Urgum the Axeman

The Urgum the Axeman trilogy is a set of books written by British author Kjartan Poskitt. The character first appeared in the Murderous Maths series by Kjartan Poskitt. The story centres on Urgum, the last of the true barbarians, (a breed of "savages") who lives with his wife Divina, his daughter Molly, and his seven savage sons in Golgarth Cragg. He is the fiercest barbarian the Lost Desert has ever known. There are three books about Urgum. They contain lots of humour, and the third book, Urgum and the Googoobah, was awarded the Roald Dahl Funny Prize. The story takes place in the Lost Desert, where the people are divided into two groups – the savages, who have to fight for survival, and the softhands, the civilized people who spend all their time reading and relaxing and behaving like genuine softies. They are quite snobby, and wear smart blue or green clothes and hats.

Urgum the Axeman

This is the first book in the Urgum trilogy, published in 2006. It centres on the twin barbarian gods, Tangor and Tangal, getting worried that their barbarian champion is always trying to find something dangerous to do, in doing so killing himself and coming up in the afterlife to join Tangor and Tangal and feast for eternity. Dying is considered a glorious thing to barbarians. Tangor and Tangal try to prevent this happening by moving time forward ten years. When he gets back home from his so-called unicorn hunt with his sons, which in reality, he spent a few days on (with everything having moved forward ten years), to his astonishment, his wife has produced a ten-year-old daughter called Molly. At first Urgum loathes her, but then finds out that she's tougher than he thought. His wife has completely re-decorated the cave, and installed a new lounge and bathroom. Urgum finds that things have completely changed while he was away.

Urgum and the Seat of Flames

This is the second book in the Urgum trilogy. Tangor and Tangal are afraid that their barbarian is getting too soft. Using a special machine called the "Turbo Evolver" and make an animal called a gorgo, a half-bird, half-gorilla, to issue a challenge to Urgum. They create a whole bunch of them and proclaim one the leader, called "Orgo the Gorgo". The gorgos and Urgum meet up in the "Battle Market". Later on, Urgum enteres the Savvy awards, to see who will be Savage of the Year. Orgo enters one of the experiments that the barbarian gods created in the Turbo Evolver, called a poppo (half-porcupine, half-hippo. In the end, a duel is begun, and Urgum and Orgo remove their trousers. Urgum is made to wear the "Flaming Pants of Shumbitt", while Orgo cheats by wearing metal underpants. At first, has an advantage, but Urgum soon beats him. Later, in the "Gloating Room", Urgum soon realises how much he really cares for Orgo, and gives him his Savvy award as he dies. In the end, Orgo is shown in the Hallowed Halls of Sirrus, entering Tangor and Tangal's cave, asking to be fed for eternity. Tangor and Tangal sheepishly get all the required foodstuffs for him to eat.

Urgum and the Googoobah

The prince is in danger of being kidnapped and the Princess decides to leave him with Urgum for him to look after until the danger has passed. Urgum later finds out about the baby, and when he does not get his lunch, he lies about an ancient barbarian tradition, that the weakest boy would be cast out and killed as a sacrifice. That made one mouth left to feed. The prince, called Googoobah due to the noise he makes ("Googoobah!"), is carried by Urgum to Sacrifice Rock. He ends up sending Googoobah over to his best friend Mungoid, knowing deep down that what he was about to do might not be right. Urgum ends up getting Googoobah back, then Divina decides to enter him in a baby gala. He has to get a blue cardigan, but creates a fight to the death in the market, while Divina meets Suprema. Meanwhile, Mungoid, in a date with Grizelda, overhears a kidnapping plot. Mungoid runs to warn Urgum, but by then Googoobah has come second. He is kidnapped anyway, because the baby that came first was 83-year-old and clearly couldn't be the prince. This forces Urgum to assemble a barbarian army to rescue Googoobah. He later discovers that Googoobah is the prince and returns him to his mother.

Characters

• Urgum is the main character in the series, and the last of the true barbarians. He fears neither death nor man. His best friend is Mungoid the Ungoid, who is a different breed of savage. His wish is to be to die gloriously so he can feast for eternity with his gods Tangor and Tangal in the afterlife. The barbarian gods much resent his coming, as that means they will have a lot of washing-up to do, and considering Urgum's apettite
• Molly is the second main character in the series. She is Urgum's ten-year-old daughter, and in some ways the toughest in the family. Her favourite brother of the seven sons is Robbin, as clearly shown in the book.
• Divina is Urgum's wife. Unlike her husband, she is a softhand, different from the other softhands, and cares for her husband. She can count, unlike Urgum, and gave up everything to live in his cave. She always wins arguments with Urgum, thanks to the power of her left eyebrow - when she raises it, Urgum completely surrenders and does what she wants. She is described in the books as being the "wifest wife the Lost Desert has ever known".
• Mungoid the Ungoid is Urgum's best friend. He has a crush on Grizelda the Grizly, his next door neighbour. He rides an ox instead of a horse. In "Urgum and the Googoobah", he and Grizelda go out on a date, and in the end he leaves.
• Grizelda the Grizly is Mungoid's next door neighbour. She is renowned for her flaming red hair, which Mungoid admires. She loves being whistled at every time she rides past. She is hardly friends with Mungoid, and has a quick temper and is usually grumpy.
• Ruff is the proud and arrogant eldest son of Urgum. He often makes claims that are untrue, and is the stupidest of Urgum's sons. He is also the shortest of the seven savage sons, causing him to be teased by his younger brothers. He is not loved by anyone in his family. He can be bossy but all his brothers ignore. He prides himself on being a mini-version of his father. The books describe him as Urgum's "number one son".
• Ruinn is the second son. He is the skinniest and tallest. He has long hair that covers his eyes, and he is often the ringleader of the teasing his elder brother suffers from.
• Rakk n' Rekk are Siamese twins and are prone to sibling rivalry. They often argue and fight with each other over who their father likes best, who is tougher or who is scarier.
• Robbin is the fattest of Urgum's sons and wears a Viking-type helmet. He is Molly's favourite brother and has a big apettite.
• Raymond is Urgum's fifth son. He once fell in a razor-snake pit, and was chopped up into pieces. He prayed to the gods to revive him, and ever since, all his body parts have been living in a selection of leather bags. Robbin carries all of Raymond's bags on his back.
• The Other One is Urgum's seventh and last son. He is the most ignored, and not even his brothers know his real name.
• Glamora is one Divina's old friends, and as well as Suprema, is snobby and selfish. She enjoys the opportunity to sneer at Divina when she is in a pickle.
• Hunjah the Headless is the patheticest barbarian the Lost Desert has ever known. He is depicted as a stupid man and illustrated with different appearances in each book. In the first book, he has a ragged beard and hair, in the second book, he has a fair amount of hair that makes up his beard, and in the third book, he has a white frilly beard. This could be because he is aging. He is often shown wearing a softhand uniform. He has been laughed at many times by Urgum because of his ridiculous jobs, often for softhands.
• Olk is the great guardian of Golgarth. Divina is the only one that can tell him what to do, and the only one that can change the password. He will drone "PASSWORD!" and the individual will have to say the password to get through. Even Urgum is afraid of him. He has a great sword positioned over his shoulder. The bones of people who tried to get into Golgarth without the password are scattered near him and their skulls are stuck on poles that lead out of Golgarth. It is called Smiley Alley because of the way the skulls smile.

Places in the Lost Desert

• Laplace Palace is where all the softhands live. It includes a spa.
• Golgarth Basin is where Urgum and his friends live.