Disengaging from an abuser using the no contact rule or grey rock method

Two popular psychology self-help strategies are believed to be useful in disengaging from cluster B abusers (including narcissists and psychopaths):

no contact rule^[1]^[2]^[3]
grey rock method or grey rock technique (US spelling "gray").^[4]^[5]^[6]

The no contact rule is the longer established concept of the two.

No contact rule

The no contact rule is usually considered to be the best strategy to disengage from an abuser. It is used in various contexts including by children of narcissistic parents to escape from narcissistic abuse.^[7]

But it may not be possible, for example, if the abused has to work with the abuser or is divorced from the abuser but has shared child custody. Low contact and/or the grey rock method may be less satisfactory but pragmatic alternatives.^[1]

Hoovering

Even with no contact by the abused, an abuser may try to "hoover" the abused back if he or she knows how to contact the abused.^[5] Various techniques may be used, including:^[8]^[3]

Pretending that the relationship is not over
Sending unsolicited gifts (see positive reinforcement)
"Apologising" for his or her behavior
Indirect manipulation such as shared custody children being made to manipulate on the abuser's behalf (see flying monkeys and triangulation)
Declaring love (see love bombing)
Sending random messages and "ghost" phone calls (see gaslighting)
Faking vulnerability and the need for "help" (see victim playing)
Baiting with drama.

Grey rock method

It is believed that this term was first used in 2012 but interest has only mushroomed since 2016.^[5]^[9] The grey rock method uses boredom to deny narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention to the abuser for example by:^[5]

speaking with a monotonous voice
giving short, matter of fact answers to questions
talking about boring inconsequential subjects
not engaging with the abuser's taunts
not making eye contact with the abuser
not giving away personal information
not displaying any interest in the abuser.

Thus the abused tries to blend into the background like a metaphorical grey rock in the landscape. "Keeping your head down", "keeping a low profile" and "lying low" are related expressions. Without the abuser getting narcissistic supply, stimulation or attention, he or she is likely to go elsewhere to try to get it. It is important that the abuser does not work out that the abused is putting on an act or it could badly backfire. It should not be taken to an extreme level. ^[5]^[6]

References

1 2 Tudor HG (2016) No Contact: How to Beat the Narcissist
↑ Lue N (2013) The No Contact Rule
1 2 Saeed K (2015) How To Do No Contact Like A Boss!: The Essential Guide to Detaching from Love That Hurts
↑ Maley J How to deal with a narcissist like Donald Trump The Sydney Morning Herald 3 Feb 2017
1 2 3 4 5 Atkinson A, Tindall J (2017) Navigating No-Contact with a Narcissist: A Recovery Roadmap for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
1 2 Atkinson A Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely) (2016) queenbeeing.com
↑ Little A (2016) No Contact - The Final Boundary: Surviving Parental Narcissistic Abuse
↑ Luna A 8 Signs You’re the Victim of an Abusive “Hoovering” Narcissist lonerwolf.com
↑ The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths lovefraud.com

External links

Gray Rock--How To Go Gray Rock With a Psychopath and Their Flying Monkeys (2017)
What is the Gray Rock Technique? (2016)
Hart J Coparenting with a Narcissist the Gray Rock Technique (2016) (see coparenting)
How to Starve a Narcissist: Grey Rock Method (2017)
Learning No Contact, Gray Rock And Mirroring To Survive Divorcing A Narcissist firstwivesworld.com (2016)
Hoovering outofthefog (2015).

Narcissism
Types	Collective Egomania Flying monkeys Healthy Malignant Megalomania Narcissistic personality disorder Spiritual Workplace
Characteristics	Betrayal Boasting Egocentrism Egotism Empathy (lack of) Envy Entitlement (exaggerated sense of) Fantasy Grandiosity Hubris Magical thinking Manipulative Narcissistic abuse Narcissistic elation Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury Narcissistic mortification Narcissistic supply Narcissistic withdrawal Perfectionism Self-esteem Self-righteousness Shamelessness Superficial charm Superiority complex True self and false self Vanity
Defences	Denial Idealization and devaluation Distortion Projection Splitting
Cultural phenomena	Control freak Don Juanism Dorian Gray syndrome Metrosexual My way or the highway Selfie
Related articles	Codependency Counterdependency Dark triad Disengaging from a narcisssist Ego ideal Egomania (film) Empire-building God complex History of narcissism Messiah complex Micromanagement Narcissism of small differences Narcissistic leadership Narcissistic parent Narcissistic Personality Inventory Narcissus (mythology) On Narcissism (Freud essay) Sam Vaknin Self-love Self-serving bias Spoiled child The Culture of Narcissism (Lasch book) Workplace bullying

Psychopathy
Contexts	In fiction In the workplace
Characteristics	Anti-social behaviour Bold Callous Diminished empathy Disinhibited Grandiose Impulsive Lack of guilt Manipulative Pathological lying Remorseless Shallow affect Superficially charming
Related topics	Antisocial personality disorder Conduct disorder Dark triad Disengaging from a psychopath Flying monkeys History of psychopathy Juvenile delinquency Machiavellianism Macdonald triad Narcissism Psychopathic Personality Inventory Psychopathy Checklist Sadistic personality disorder Sexual sadism disorder Sociopathy
Notable theorists	Hervey M. Cleckley George E. Partridge Robert D. Hare

Abuse
Types	Abuse during childbirth Anti-social behaviour Bullying Child abuse (neglect, sexual) Cruelty to animals Domestic abuse Elder abuse Gaslighting Harassment Humiliation Incivility Institutional abuse Intimidation Neglect Persecution Professional abuse Proxy abuse Psychological abuse Physical abuse Religious abuse Sexual abuse Stalking Structural abuse Verbal abuse more...
Related topics	Abusive power and control Child grooming Complex post-traumatic stress disorder Dehumanization Denial Destabilisation Disengaging from an abuser Exaggeration Isolation Lying Manipulation Minimisation Narcissism Psychological projection Psychological trauma Psychopathy Rationalization Traumatic bonding Victim blaming Victim playing Victimisation

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