There's Something About a War

"There's Something About a War" is the 36th episode of the ABC television series, Desperate Housewives. The episode was the 13th episode for the show's second season. The episode was written by Kevin Etten and was directed by Larry Shaw. It originally aired on Sunday, January 22, 2006.

Due to time constraints, the opening credits were cut.

Plot

At church, Gabrielle quietly plays with a baby which causes Carlos to ask her if she has reconsidered having a baby. Gabrielle reminds him that she has just suffered a miscarriage and would like to postpone her pregnancy plans for a while until she has made a final decision. As they argue, Father Crowley announces the return of Sister Mary Bernard who has arrived back in the United States after being gone for two months, to Gabrielle's surprise. Later Carlos tells Sister Mary that Gabrielle will not reconsider her position on a baby. Sister Mary offers to help Carlos by giving him a packet on Catholic annulment. Carlos gives the brochure to Gabrielle who believes that she cannot be "blackmailed into having a baby". Gabrielle visits Father Crowley in the church and asks if Sister Mary can be transferred. Father Crowley asks Gaby why which leads Gabrielle to complicate matters by saying that Carlos and Sister Mary are having an affair and that in his sleep he murmurs her name. Father Crowley asks if she has serious reasons to think they're having sex together. Thinking a little, she says yes. Father Crowley looks mortified and leaves the confessional. Gabrielle stays in the confessional and confesses to another priest that she lied. The next day, Carlos tells her that Sister Mary is being transferred to Fairbanks, Alaska and she doesn't know the reason. Gabrielle returns to the church to gloat and say goodbye. As Gabrielle leaves, Sister Mary throws a scrub brush at her which causes a fight. Gabrielle punches Sister Mary and Sister Mary grabs her by the hair. Sister Mary is pushed into candles and her arm catches fire. Gabrielle quickly extinguishes the fire and Sister Mary bites her on the arm. They tumble on the floor and a priest breaks up the fight. School children and Sister Greta watch the fight from a distance. When she arrives home, Carlos yells at Gabrielle about what she has done. The baby discussion then reignites and Gabrielle tells Carlos that she is not "a uterus in high heels". Carlos accepts Gabrielle's offer to not divorce and Gabrielle tells Carlos she has accepted his offer and wants to have a baby with him.

Susan arrives home from a date with Dr. Ron and asks him to come inside. Dr. Ron hesitates when he still feels as the two are still doctor/patient and not boyfriend and girlfriend. Susan asks him if this relationship is going to work and the doctor assures Susan that he is deeply attracted to her but wants to take it slow. Susan and Dr. Ron kiss and then he leaves. The following day, Susan goes for a check-up with Dr. Ron who informs her that she needs a splenectomy because of her wandering spleen and that he will be the attending surgeon. A nurse congratulates the doctor since it will be his first time. This causes Susan to hesitate since she would feel much more comfortable with another surgeon and if Dr. Ron does do the surgery it will be the first time he sees her naked. Susan tells Dr. Ron her feelings about this over dinner but this revelation causes his feelings to be hurt and he leaves. Susan visits Dr. Ron the following day to tell him she will not compromise for a man's approval anymore. Dr. Ron tells her that she was completely right about everything and that he sent her an apology note, flowers and wine that afternoon. He adds that he could not possibly be her doctor and recognizes that "they make those rules for good reason". Susan gives a sigh of relief and kisses Dr. Ron.

Lynette gets help with Tom on an advertising project regarding frozen yogurt. When Lynette tells him that the firm acquired the yogurt account, Tom feels proud seeing as he was one of the minds behind the campaign. Lynette asks if he has anyone to recommend from his old firm seeing as a position is opening. Tom says that he does have someone in mind. Lynette asks who that man is and Tom says his name is Tom Scavo, i. e. himself. Lynette laughs at this seeing as it is a recipe for disaster. Tom thinks that is not the case and that with both their salaries they can afford a high class nanny plus she can take advantage of the new company day care. Lynette does not want this but Tom has his mind made up. Surprisingly, Tom shows up on an interview as "Tom Cavos" and immediately wins over the support of Lynette's boss Ed. Lynette says that she'll agree to see Tom working if he can never again feel resentment over Lynette against his former promotion and that she will be forgiven. Tom tells her that he already has. Tom kisses Lynette and thanks her for the job.

When Bree finds Matthew Applewhite in Danielle's bedroom, this causes sadness and anger from Danielle when Bree walks the both of them to Betty's. Betty slaps Matthew. Later, Bree finds Danielle crying in her room about how Bree is destroying her life now that Bree's life is over. Bree tries to make everything better by buying pizza and agrees to let Danielle date Matthew as long as it's okay with Betty. The following day, Bree visits Betty who thinks that they should not interfere with Danielle and Matthew's relationship but when Bree discovers Caleb lurking in the upstairs window she panics and tells Betty she has to leave. Remembering that she has seen the man's face before from both the newspaper and Gabrielle's break in she alerts her friends that she has serious dirt on the Applewhites. Danielle overhears this and tells Matthew. They exchange stories which include how Bree covered up Andrew's hit and run accident involving Juanita Solis. Before the poker game, Betty visits Bree to warn her that if she breathes a word about Caleb's existence she will inform the Solises and the police about Andrew's crime. Bree is forced to lie to her friends and tell them that Betty is a master card player and will be joining their weekly game.

Cast

Although credited, Mike Delfino (James Denton), Julie Mayer (Andrea Bowen), Andrew Van De Kamp (Shawn Pyfrom), Paul Young (Mark Moses), Zach Young (Cody Kasch), Preston Scavo (Brent Kinsman), and Porter Scavo (Shane Kinsman) do not appear in this episode.

Title reference

The episode title is that of the song "There's Something About a War", which was written for, but cut from, Stephen Sondheim's musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

International titles

• French: La vérité si tu parles (The Truth If You Speak)
• German: Die Kunst des Krieges (The Art of War)
• Italian: Il Fascino Discreto Della Guerra (The Discreet Charm Of The War)
• Hungarian: A hadviselés művészete (The Art of Warfare)
• Polish: Sztuka walki (The Art of Fight)