Flirting

"Would you take offense if I had the gall to plant a kiss on this beautiful shoulder?"
"You'll figure that out soon enough after the deed." (poster by Henri Gerbault)

Flirting or coquetry is a social and sometimes sexual activity involving verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, suggesting an interest in a deeper relationship with the other person. In most cultures, it is socially disapproved for a person to make explicitly sexual advances, but indirect or suggestive advances (i.e., flirting) may at times be considered acceptable. On the other hand, some people flirt playfully, for amusement.

Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony. Double entendres, with one meaning more formally appropriate and another more suggestive, may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity etc. Verbal communication of interest can include the vocal tone, such as pace, volume, intonation. Challenges (teasing, questions, qualifying, feigned disinterest) serve to increase tension, test intention and congruity.

Flirting behavior varies across cultures due to different modes of social etiquette such as how closely people should stand (proxemics), how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth.^[1] However, ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt found that in places as different as Africa and North America, women exhibit similar flirting behavior: prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile.

Human mating

In order to bond or to express sexual interest, people flirt. According to social anthropologist Kate Fox, there are two main types of flirting: flirting for fun and flirting with intent.^[2] Flirting for fun can take place between friends, co-workers, or total strangers that wish to get to know each other. This type of flirting does not intend to lead to sexual intercourse or romantic relationship, but increases the bonds between two people.

Flirting with intent plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, hair-touching, or verbal signs, such as chatting up, flattering comments, and exchange of telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact.

Increasingly in the 21st century flirting is taking forms in instant messaging, and other social media. In 2011 Tagged conducted a summer-long survey based on "winks" by metro area, with the surprise leader being Pittsburgh.^[3]

Marilyn Monroe flirting with Cary Grant in the film Monkey Business

Purpose

People flirt for a variety of reasons. Flirting can indicate an interest in a deeper personal relationship with another person. Some people flirt simply for amusement, with no intention of developing any further relationship. This type of flirting sometimes faces disapproval from others, either because it can be misinterpreted as more serious, or it may be viewed as cheating if either person is in a monogamous relationship with someone else. Some couples set up rules and boundaries for their partner so one will know what's accepted and what's not.

Etymology

The origin of the word flirt is obscure. The Oxford English Dictionary (first edition) associates it with such onomatopoeic words as flit and flick, emphasizing a lack of seriousness; on the other hand, it has been attributed to the old French conter fleurette, which means "to (try to) seduce" by the dropping of flower petals, that is, "to speak sweet nothings". While old-fashioned, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, but the English gallicism to flirt has made its way and has now become an anglicism.

Cultural aspects

Flirting varies a great deal from culture to culture. For example, for many western cultures one very common flirting strategy includes eye contact. However, eye contact can have a very different meaning in some Asian countries. In such countries, men may stare at women who might get in trouble if they return the glance. Furthermore, Chinese and Japanese women are not expected to initiate eye contact which would be considered rude and disrespectful.^[4]

The Flirtation by Eugene de Blaas. A study of body language: a man flirting

The distance between two people is also important when flirting. People from the "contact cultures", such as the Mediterranean or Latin America, may feel comfortable with closer distances whereas a British or Northern European person will need more space. Touching, especially of the hand or arm, is also part of flirting.^[5]

During World War II, anthropologist Margaret Mead was working in Britain for the British Ministry of Information and later for the U.S. Office of War Information,^[6][7] delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians,^[8] and vice versa.^[9] She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.^[6]

Communications theorist Paul Watzlawick used this situation, where "both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash", as an example of differences in "punctuation" in interpersonal communications. He wrote that courtship in both cultures used approximately 30 steps from "first eye contact to the ultimate consummation", but that the sequence of the steps was different. For example, kissing might be an early step in the American pattern but a relatively intimate act in the English pattern.^[10]

Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much Shunga art, the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century.

European hand fans

The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially England and Spain. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even etiquette books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan which was published by William Cock in London in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near your heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".^[11]

In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today, ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without their family or chaperon finding out. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.^[12]

Types

A study in body language: Haynes King's Jealousy and Flirtation

Flirting may consist of stylized gestures, language, body language, postures, and physiologic signs which act as cues to another person. Among these, at least in Western society, are:

• Banter (conversation)^[13]
• Blowing a kiss
• Casual touches; such as a woman gently touching a man's arm during conversation^[13]
• Coyness, affectedly shy or modest, marked by cute, coquettish, or artful playfulness (e.g. pickup lines).
• Eye contact,^[13][14] batting eyelashes, staring, etc.
• Flattery (regarding beauty, sexual attractiveness)
• Footsie,^[13] a form of flirtation in which people use their feet to play with each other's feet.
• Giggling, or laughing encouragingly at any slight hint of intimacy in the other's behavior
• Imitating of behaviors (e.g. taking a drink when the other person takes a drink, changing posture as the other does, etc.)
• Maintaining very short distance during casual talking.
• Online chat, texting, and other one-on-one and direct messaging services while hinting affection
• Protean signals, such as touching one's hair
• Sending notes, poems, or small gifts
• Singing specially selected love songs in presence of the person.
• Smiling^[14]
• Staging of "chance" encounters
• Teasing
• Tickling
• Winking
• Eyebrow raising^[14]

The effectiveness of these several interactions has been subjected to detailed analysis by behavioral psychologists, and advice on their use is available from dating coaches.

See also

• Anti-Flirt Club
• Making out
• Public display of affection

References

Further reading

• Rich Ferguson (2010). Tricks to Pick Up Chicks: Magic Tricks, Lines, Bets, Scams & Psychology. Ingram. ISBN 1-4505-6018-0. 

External links

Wikimedia Commons has media related to Flirting.

Wikiquote has quotations related to: Flirting

Wikisource has original text related to this article: A nineteenth century perspective on flirting

• SIRC Guide to Flirting
• Nonverbal Courtship Patterns In Women: Context and Consequences
• Psychology Today - Flirting Fascination – Reviews several studies on flirting
• Just 18% of women can tell when men flirt