List of Father Ted characters

The four main characters of Father Ted. Middle rear: Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan), left: Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon), front: Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly), right: Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn).

Father Ted is a sitcom produced by independent production company Hat Trick Productions for British broadcaster Channel 4, running for three series and a special from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998 over 25 episodes. The main characters comprised Father Ted Crilly (Dermot Morgan) and his fellow priests Father Dougal McGuire (Ardal O'Hanlon) and Father Jack Hackett (Frank Kelly), all exiled on Craggy Island living together with the fourth main character, housekeeper Mrs Doyle (Pauline McLynn). All four actors appeared from the first to the last episodes, from "Good Luck, Father Ted" to "Going to America". Pauline McLynn also played a nun in "Flight Into Terror", in which Mrs Doyle appears only briefly.

Main characters

Father Ted Crilly

Father Dougal McGuire

Father Dougal McGuire, played by Ardal O'Hanlon, is a profoundly dense, innocent and childlike young priest (he once merrily confessed that "the lights are on but there's no one home"). Dougal has not even a remote understanding of Catholicism, referring to the Vatican as "that art gallery". He also believes in Darth Vader and Phantom of the Opera. Father Ted reminds him to write down people that don't exist on a list, such as Magnum, P.I., "non-Catholic gods" and the Loch Ness Monster.

Quite how he became a member of the clergy, or how he ended up on Craggy Island, remains a mystery, although in one episode, Bishop Brennan mentions that the latter was punishment for some sort of incident at Blackrock in which a number of lives were left irreparably damaged—Dougal once protested that "they were only nuns". Whatever happened, the incident was deemed to be serious enough for the Vatican to have become involved had Brennan not gone to great lengths to prevent it. Dougal himself alludes to an incident aboard a Sealink Ferry where he pushed a large red button that he was not supposed to, though this may have happened since he was sent to Craggy Island. In "Grant unto Him Eternal Rest", Ted sarcastically suggests that he managed to enter the priesthood via a "collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest" promotion.

In the episode "The Old Grey Whistle Theft", Dougal is 25 years old, and soon to be 26. A cheerful, innocent and naive soul, he has a childlike perception of life. This rarely holds him in good stead with the priests with whom he shares the Craggy Island parochial house: the much more grounded, cynical Ted—though occasionally acting as his parent-figure (literally in one episode)—tends to regard both Dougal and his ignorance as incredibly annoying, while the blunt, short-tempered alcoholic Father Jack occasionally refers to Dougal as a "gobshite."

In keeping with his childish personality, Dougal has a great passion for rollerblading^[1] and often appears out of sync with reality. On occasions, when asleep, he dreams he is taking part in well-known television game shows, such as Countdown or Blockbusters. This aggravates Ted as he is shouting out the (ironically sometimes complicated and presumably correct) answers very loudly. He sleeps in a Republic of Ireland football shirt, and has garish He-Man bedsheets. He considers Catholicism to be some sort of "weird cult", and simply sees his career as a "bit of a laugh", rather than a pious calling. He also has no idea about how to conduct the most basic of Catholic rituals and ceremonies. His attempts at giving the death sacraments in Latin ended in his reciting the A.C. Milan football squad for 1995. Also during this scene, Dougal reveals that both his parents had died, making him an orphan. On another occasion Dougal was obliged to perform a funeral service because Ted is not available, somehow leading to an unexplained scene of utter carnage (the hearse crashed and exploded whilst the mourners were running around in a blind panic). In the episode "New Jack City," Dougal gets drunk and tells Ted "God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy!"

Aside from his profession, he also has trouble understanding basic concepts, such as optical illusions. In a renowned scene, Ted spends hours showing Dougal that a toy cow isn't the same size as one standing far away, even though they appear so to the naked eye. From time to time however, Dougal does demonstrate a level of intelligence that occasionally surpasses that of Father Ted. In the episode "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading," Dougal points out to Ted that knocking gently on the door of Rugged Island Parochial House wouldn't wake up the occupants. Instead Dougal suggests that Ted knocks loudly, which he does.

Father Dougal also has a fear of women. He has been known to hide from women, or otherwise ignore them. Ted spends time trying to explain to Dougal how to deal with women. This sometimes leads to embarrassing situations, such as giving away the parish house. However, Dougal seems to be much more relaxed with nuns. In the episode "Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest", Dougal admits that he doesn't feel as nervous with a nun as much as he does with an ordinary woman. Father Ted once warned Dougal (in episode "And God Created Woman") that he could not think of women in a conventional sense (women being attractive to Dougal) anymore now that he is a priest.

Father Cyril McDuff of Rugged Island resembles Father Dougal—ironically, Dougal thinks the former is an "awful eejit."

As testament to the character's enduring popularity, Irish bookmakers humorously began collecting bets on whether Dougal would succeed Pope John Paul II upon his death. The odds were 1,000-1^[2] (better odds than some genuine candidates), and some small stakes were actually received.

In 2011, Father Ted co-creator Graham Linehan revealed in Channel 4's documentary Unintelligent Design how Dougal was inspired by a cross between wide-eyed bartender Woody from Cheers and the roadsweeper Trigger from Only Fools and Horses.^[3] For his portrayal of Dougal, O'Hanlon drew inspiration from Laurel and Hardy and Fawlty Towers's bumbling waiter Manuel.^[4]

Father Jack Hackett

Father Jack Hackett, played by Frank Kelly, is an elderly, decrepit, foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, lecherous^[5] alcoholic priest who frequently lapses into violent behaviour, particularly when his fellow clergy deny him drink or try removing him from his armchair, where he is usually found sleeping (or, more likely, passed out). Left irrevocably damaged by his life of sloth, lechery and alcohol abuse, he rarely speaks in a coherent manner, instead expressing himself through a series of random shouted words (i.e., "FECK!", "ARSE!", "DRINK!" and "GIRLS!"). He regards Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and Bishop Brennan with undisguised contempt, although he seems to be more tolerant of Mrs Doyle; possibly because she has a fond maternal affection for him and frequently lavishes him with drink. However, when she once offered him a cup of tea, he was outraged and hurled the cup at her head. He is hinted as being mentally defective as shown when Ted calms him by showing him the colour blue or puts him to sleep by placing a box on his head. Despite this, he has been said to have executed careful plans such as hitting Ted with a car or placing a spider in his mouth (and in the episode "Flight into Terror", where he had the intelligence to escape a bad situation while the other priests were debating about it). Ted often treats him with an overgenerous level of respect, possibly because of his length of service (or out of fear of his wrath).

Jack is extremely violent, frequently lashing out at all and sundry. He apparently once kicked Dougal's bottom and also once even punched Bishop Brennan in the face, but most of his violence is reserved for Ted, who explains that 'whenever he'd hit you or whatever, he'd never do it out of spite. He'd do it because he thought it was funny...!'

During the episode "Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest", flashbacks of Father Jack's earlier life as an active (and sober) priest showed him to be a highly conservative fire and brimstone-style Catholic School preacher who enjoyed tormenting students with threats of eternal damnation and giving out heavy amounts of corporal punishment at St. Columb's. Another flashback implies that he had a less-than-healthy interest in the schoolgirls. Dougal also points out that Jack was the first priest to denounce The Beatles because "he could see what they were up to". In the episode, "Escape from Victory", Ted points out that Jack had once been on trial in Liverpool without mentioning what crimes he had been charged with, yet this episode reveals that Jack is an extremely talented footballer. Jack is held in very high regard by the other elderly priests, with one even exclaiming at his (premature) wake that Jack should have been made Pope rather than John Paul II. In "Good Luck, Father Ted", after Ted berates Dougal for saying he wishes he wasn't a priest in front of Jack, Dougal reveals that Jack once told him that "he didn't even believe in God".

While it is never explicitly stated why Bishop Brennan has condemned Jack to Craggy Island, it is mentioned in "The Passion of St Tibulus" that it has something to do with a wedding ceremony he performed in Athlone. In the episode "Tentacles of Doom", with the promise of more "drink", Ted trained Jack to say "That would be an ecumenical matter!" and "Yes!" so that he would be able to convincingly circumnavigate any questions put to him by a party of visiting bishops. Jack also has a fear of nuns, whether he is inebriated or not. He hates doing confession - partly attributed to his fear of enclosed spaces - and regards the sick and poor with contempt, referring to the needy as a "shower of bastards". It is later revealed that, according to his will, he has saved up half a million pounds. Ted partly attributes this to Jack's "never giving money to charity" and the fact that "he wouldn't wear trousers during the summer".

A recurring theme in the series, Jack's alcoholism has almost rendered him a human vegetable (although he had the presence of mind to find a bag containing an incriminating tape of Bishop Len Brennan when the latter threatened posting Jack, Dougal and Ted to places even less desirable than Craggy Island in "The Passion of Saint Tibulus"). He is constantly intoxicated and therefore permanently unaware of the people around him, except when they interfere with his daily routine of sleep and drink. Jack's drinking is not limited to alcohol, and he will drink almost any liquid he can get his hands on. Sometimes these strange choices of drink will have equally strange effects on Jack; Toilet Duck for instance causes him to experience hallucinations, and floor polish makes him temporarily appear to be dead, to the extent that he apparently actually started to decompose. However, his alcoholism has also left him with the incredible ability to tell what vintage a bottle of wine is simply from the sound of the bottles clinking together ("The Old Grey Whistle Theft").

In the episode "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading", Ted observes that Jack hasn't been properly sober for twelve years, and when he does finally leave his inebriated state for a moment, realises to his horror that he's "still on that feckin' island" (which might explain why he turned to drink in the first place). His alcoholism makes it apparent that he has little memory for the names of household objects, as he picks up a spoon and demands to know of Ted, "what the hell is this?" In the same episode when he awakens from his drunken state he is startled to find that Dougal and Ted are the only ones in the room with him, demanding, "Where are the other two?" suggesting he usually suffers from alcohol-induced diplopia (double vision).

The drink has left Jack with scant regard for his personal hygiene; he is always depicted with a ring of scabs around his mouth, an unkempt stubble and stains down his clerical collar and smock. In "Tentacles of Doom" he is given a shave of his hair, but by the end of the episode it is back. Jack's aroma seems to vary but all variations are peculiar. In the episode "Night of the Nearly Dead", Eoin McLove points at Father Jack and claims "This one here, this one smells of wee" whereas when Ted is describing Jack to the Garda in "Hell" he mentions his colleague has a 'tremendous smell of vegetables off him.' Later in the second series, in "The Plague" Ted surmises that the rabbits infesting the parochial house are attracted to Jack, saying 'I always thought Father Jack gave off a sort of furry smell.' In the final episode, "Going to America", Ted imagines Jack as a kindly, grandfather-ly figure, seated in a rocking chair and dressed in a cardigan rather than his usual dark garb. He is also notably cleaner-looking and more handsome, without the scabs around his mouth or his milky eye, and is singing amiably.

For unexplained reasons, Father Jack stands to attention (and demands the same from all others) on hearing La Marseillaise.

Mrs Doyle

Mrs Doyle, played by Pauline McLynn, is the parish priests' widowed housekeeper. Her first name is not mentioned on the show, but is given as Joan in a script. Whenever a character speaks her first name, background noise suddenly erupts, masking whatever is being said.

Mrs Doyle is a hyperactive, repressed and somewhat insane parish housekeeper with an over the top zeal for her work. Obsessed with refreshments, she is often to be found preparing copious amounts of tea, cake and sandwiches; she disdains an automated tea-making machine, stating that she "liked the misery" of making tea, and was devastated when Ted buys her it for Christmas. She eventually destroyed it and convinced Ted that she was the right person for making tea. She even stays up all night "just in case one of you needs a cup of tea!".^[6] Whenever Ted or somebody else refuses one of her beverages, sandwiches or cake she urges them on for some time, usually just by repeating "go on, go on", until the offending priest or guest finally agrees just for the sake of some peace. She then denies them the offered item[s]. In one episode, when Ted finally gives in, she decides that she is forcing him to have a cake, and tells him that he should just say no (which he had done several times), calling it a "word that Our Lord gave us to use when we didn't want any cake." She then proceeds to have the cakes destroyed.

Aside from simple domestic chores, Mrs Doyle also performs all the other tasks that need completing around the house, such as digging drainage ditches and mending the roof.^[7] In this respect, Ted takes advantage of her work ethic and treats her like a general dogsbody. She frequently suffers accidents while attending to these chores, such as falling off the roof, falling down the stairs and especially plummeting head-first out of the large window frame in the front room.

Little or nothing is known about her personal life, except that she must have been married at some point, and previously spoke of having a sister. She has a dim view of sex, once mentioning how thankful she is that "she never thinks about that sort of thing", and in this respect appears quite conservative. In "And God Created Woman", when she and Ted are discussing the work of novelist Polly Clarke, she laments how much swearing there is in modern fiction and goes on a rant about the amount of sex in Clarke's books. She also becomes spiteful, condescending and visibly jealous whenever another woman comes into the parochial house, especially those who are good-looking or command the attention of the priests. She has several women friends on the island who appear sporadically throughout the series, and all look similar and speak in the same manner.

Graham Linehan has stated that he always thought Mrs Doyle originally met Father Ted by winning the Lovely Girls competition.^[8]

Supporting characters

Bishop Brennan

Bishop Leonard (occasionally known as "Len") Brennan was played by Jim Norton. Brennan appears from the episode "The Passion of St Tibulus" until the episode "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse".

Despite supposedly being held in high regard by the Catholic community, Brennan is a foul-mouthed, lecherous, hypocritical and sometimes even violent narcissist who despises Ted (for somewhat justified reasons, as Ted did steal money from charity and lost it all gambling), frequently casting a shadow over the lowly priest's life. He was the one charged with punishing Ted, Dougal and Jack for their respective misdemeanours, damning them to a lifetime of misery on the bleak, desolate Craggy Island. Despite this, he occasionally shows a small amount of concern for Ted, such as when Ted (deliberately) falls down the stairs to distract the Bishop from the rabbits in the house.

He has several peculiar quirks that are exploited for comic effect on the show, such as his bizarre fear of rabbits (caused by an incident in a New York lift) and extravagant lifestyle (in one episode he was shown lounging in a hot tub with a glass of champagne and a beautiful woman). Dougal and Jack, because of their respective stupidity and alcohol-induced psychosis, are markedly less afraid of Brennan than Ted; Jack once even punched him in the face, causing his nose to bleed, while Dougal constantly addresses the Bishop by his first name, Len, despite having been repeatedly threatened and sworn at by Brennan as a result (his responses to this include "you address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!" or "Don't call me 'Len' you little prick! I'm a bishop!"). In the episode "The Passion of St. Tibulus", it was revealed that Brennan has a secret partner and love child in America.

Bishop Brennan visited the island on three notable occasions: firstly; when the blasphemous film The Passion of Saint Tibulus was being shown on the island. Ted and Dougal's earnest protest only attracted more attention to the film, with people flocking to the island to see it (some coming from as far away as Gdańsk). Bishop Brennan vowed to punish the three priests by exiling them elsewhere in the world, in places even worse than Craggy Island. However, the Bishop changed his mind offscreen when Jack found a video tape containing footage of Brennan with what is presumed to be his long-rumoured son and girlfriend (the boy's mother) on holiday in California, in a clear reference to the real life Bishop, Eamon Casey.

The Bishop makes his second visit to the island when Father Jack starts a habit of nude sleepwalking, and to Bishop Brennan's fury it had been witnessed by an old and respected friend of his. Brennan once again had to deal with "the cast of Police Academy", as he described the three Craggy Island priests. Unfortunately, he was totally unaware that a plague of rabbits had befallen the house. Bishop Brennan was once stuck in a lift with around a hundred rabbits, and they started to "nibble at my cape, and everything". Upon questioning Ted when his suspicions were aroused to the priests' strange behaviour (and finding some lettuce in a cage), Brennan retired to bed, only to be woken up by Ted and Dougal who were getting rid of about a hundred rabbits and a nude Jack who was sleeping in the Bishop's bed.

As the result of losing a football match to Father Dick Byrne, Ted was forced to accept a forfeit: "Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse". After Dick Byrne told Brennan that an apparition of him was appearing in the skirting boards of the guest bedroom, he arrived with his escort Father Jessop - the most sarcastic priest in Ireland. Ted eventually (after much fooling around) managed to carry out the forfeit, acting on Dougal's suggestion to kick Bishop Brennan and then act like he hadn't, the reasoning being that Ted's fear of the Bishop was so well known that the Bishop would never believe Ted would do such a thing. After the kick, however, Bishop Brennan was shocked into a catatonic state that lasted well beyond the duration of his visit, until around halfway through a trip to the Vatican for an audience with the Pope. He snapped out of it just as he was due to greet the pontiff, exclaiming "He did kick me up the arse!", shoving the Pope aside and flying back to Craggy Island in utmost anger. Ted eventually managed to convince a raging Brennan that he didn't kick him up the arse, only for the Bishop to see the massive photograph that Dougal had had placed outside the house showing Bishop Brennan being kicked up the arse by Ted. Once again enraged, Bishop Brennan got his revenge on Ted by doing the same thing to him, sending him flying ten feet into the air across the field.

In a DVD audio commentary, Graham Linehan said that he considered Bishop Brennan to be the arch-enemy of Father Jack Hackett, because Jack had the potential to become a bishop, but failed where Brennan had succeeded. Bishop Brennan is consistently addressed by other characters as "Your Grace", which is an unofficial salutation.^[9]

Father Dick Byrne

Father Dick Byrne was portrayed by Maurice O'Donoghue. He appeared in five episodes of the show, in "Competition Time", "Song For Europe", "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading", "Escape from Victory" and "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse". Dick is Ted's equivalent on nearby Rugged Island, and his bitter rival.

Ted's nemesis, Dick often manages to outwit Ted as part of their ongoing feud. It is unknown how the feud started, but Dougal once mentioned a "Scrabble fiasco" (where Father Byrne managed to get all of his words to spell "Useless priest, can't say Mass"). This feud has led to various ill-judged escapades, usually after Dick has telephoned Ted to tease him for some inadequacy or taunt him for some fault. These include fooling him on the phone into thinking that Dick sincerely believed Ted's Eurovision song would be good, and winning the annual "All-Priests Five-a-Side Over-75s Indoor Football Challenge Match." However, there are instances where Ted has got the better of Dick. Ted mentions an occasion where Dick lost a bet against him and therefore had to say "bollocks" very loudly in front of the then-Irish President Mary Robinson. Ted also beat Dick in the Eurosong competition, despite Dick's song, 'The Miracle Is Mine', being given a standing ovation and being far superior to the Craggy Island effort. Ted states that he "really hates Father Dick Byrne!"

In the 2010 Channel 4 retrospective 'Small, Far Away - The World of Father Ted', Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews said, perhaps seriously, that Maurice O'Donoghue and the rest of the Rugged Island cast were each their second choice to play the main characters on the show.

Father Noel Furlong

Father Noel Furlong was portrayed by Graham Norton. He appeared in three episodes of the show, in "Hell" and "Flight Into Terror" in series 2, and in "The Mainland" in series 3.

Father Noel is a very annoying and hyperactive priest whom Ted and Dougal hate spending time with. He runs the St. Luke's Youth Group and is first encountered during Ted's abortive caravaning holiday in "Hell". Here he invades the peaceful surroundings of the priests' rented caravan and keeps them awake at night, singing songs ("The Whole of the Moon" and "Dirty Old Town") and expressing his desire to tell ghost stories at six o' clock in the morning. He regales the helpless Ted and Dougal with tales of how members of the youth group have a habit of turning in "late" ("ten past the eleven") and succeeds in driving them out of their holiday home, which he then proceeds to tip over after having himself and the youth group perform a Riverdance routine inside it.

Father Noel turns up again in "Flight into Terror" leading Father Fay and Dougal into the cockpit of a plane. While there he inadvertently causes disaster when he allows Father Fay, who doesn't know he's a priest, but appears to believe himself to be a monkey, to see his reflection. Father Fay goes mad and jumps on the pilot sending the plane out of its path. The pilot screams at the watching Dougal to press the emergency button. The bumbling priest then presses the wrong button. This grave error results in one of the fuel tanks being emptied.

Noel's boundless energy results in him getting his group lost in the "Very Dark Caves" in "The Mainland", and, after performing a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, his attempts to start a "screeching competition" cause him to be crushed by falling rocks. His very last scene features him under the rocks with his hand sticking out, still in a very happy mood. His youth group then abandon him and head to Paraguay on Aer Lingus flights. Ted told an apparent rescue service man to save Noel, but the man turned out actually to be an uninterested dustman. In the short scene after the credits, Noel is still under the rocks, clicking his fingers and singing "Fat Bottomed Girls".

Linehan stated that he believed Noel to be asexual.

Minor characters

Father Larry Duff

Father Larry Duff, played by Tony Guilfoyle, is a friend of Ted's who always seems to be on the receiving end of some misfortune. The cause of these events is usually Ted calling him on his mobile phone. Examples of Larry's mishaps include driving off a cliff in his Ford Granada while looking for his ringing mobile ("Hell"), losing £10,000 in a TV gameshow when Ted interrupts his concentration by ringing him ("Cigarettes, Alcohol & Rollerblading"), getting hit while volunteering for a blind-folded knife throwing act, ("Tentacles of Doom") and being trampled by a herd of stampeding donkeys ("Flight Into Terror"). Occasionally Ted manages to get through to him, only to be informed he won't be arriving at a picnic as he is being investigated for weapons smuggling by the Army ("Old Grey Whistle Theft") or that he can't accept Ted's offer of rabbits as he decided to get twelve rottweilers instead ("The Plague"). Ted often mentions Larry as being "tremendous fun". He is apparently a good friend of Bishop Facks, who appears in "Tentacles of Doom". Despite his frequent injuries, he always returns unscathed in his next appearance. Despite being close friends, Ted and Larry are never seen together on screen in the entire 3 series.

The character has been referenced in Spider-Man 2099, with a statue of Larry replacing that of Francis P. Duffy in a scene depicting Duffy Square.^[10]

Father Paul Stone

Father Paul Stone, played by Michael Redmond, is an exceedingly boring priest who featured in the episode "Entertaining Father Stone" and comes to stay at the parochial house every year. He is completely unable to hold a conversation and is more than happy just to sit and do/say nothing at all, giving one-sentence answers at best. He usually brushes off any attempted social interaction by saying something along the lines of "No. I'm fine". Despite his quiet persona, Father Stone's presence dominates those around him, leading to awkward and protracted silences which suck the life out of the room, ruining Ted's birthday party as a result. His unresponsiveness makes him practically impossible to get rid of, causing Ted and the others to go to great lengths just to avoid contact with him, such as going to bed extremely early or going out to the island's sub-standard crazy golf course in the pouring rain. When Ted prays to God with the intention of getting rid of Father Stone, he is subsequently struck by lightning after joining Ted and Dougal at the crazy golf course. He gets stuck in the same position as he was when he is struck, and surgeons are unable to remove the golf club from his hands, leading Dougal to comment: "he looks like a trophy". His grandmother and parents are alive and he is known to have one brother who is a doctor. It turns out that he hero-worships Ted and once drew a portrait of the two of them together.

Father Fintan Stack

Father Fintan Stack, portrayed by Brendan Grace, is a truly appalling priest who comes to the Parochial House as Father Jack's replacement when Jack contracts "hairy hands syndrome" and is sent to St Clabbert's (known informally among the priests as "Jurassic Park"). Father Stack's unpleasant habits, in which he engages solely for his own amusement, include:

• Being casually rude
• Intimidating anyone within the house
• Eating Ted's Frosties
• Getting Dougal drunk on Jack's whiskey without Ted's permission
• Jumping up and down on a photo of Ted
• Driving Ted's car into a big wall (which is unseen)
• Playing loud jungle music throughout the small hours (the tracks used on the show were Cutty Ranks' "Limb By Limb (DJ SS Remix)" and DJ Taktix's "The Way") while randomly drilling holes in the living-room wall.
• Threatening to put people's heads through walls

His visit is abruptly cut short when he too contracts "the hair thing" after sitting in Jack's chair ("New Jack City"). Ted concludes that Stack is worse than Hitler, because not even Hitler would play jungle music at three in the morning.

Father Austin Purcell

Father Austin Purcell played by Ben Keaton, features in the episode "Think Fast, Father Ted". He is "the most boring priest in the world", according to Ted. The entire population of a village in Nigeria once sailed to their deaths on a crocodile-infested lake to escape him. He talks constantly in an annoying high-pitched voice about the most trivial and irritating topics, including central heating, insurance and "favourite humming noises". His conversation includes describing painting a house orange and building extensions on an extension, concluding "the house is in a circle now". Ted has to physically restrain Father Jack from punching Father Austin. After Ted allows Father Jack to leave he cries out 'Thank Christ' and promptly locks Ted up with Father Austin in his place. He claims to have known a woman once - "but she died soon afterwards". Purcell keeps talking even when no one is listening, at one point striking up a conversation with a sofa coverlet embroidered with Jesus' face.

In 2014, Keaton returned to the role, performing a stand-up routine and hosting pub quizzes entirely in character. Keaton also set up a Twitter page for the character, and a website where fans can purchase customised Father Purcell video greetings.^[11][12] In 2015, Keaton began a spin-off web series, Cook Like a Priest.^[13]

Father "Todd Unctious"

Father "Todd Unctious", portrayed by Gerard McSorley, appears in the episode "A Christmassy Ted". He turns up at the parochial house at Christmas claiming to be an old pal of Ted's; Ted has no recollection of Todd whatsoever. Ted is required to employ long-winded strategies to find out his name, without success. An attempt to get him to write his name fails, with Unctious claiming he once fell while running with scissors, completely severing the nerve that controls handwriting. Fortunately Mrs Doyle manages to guess his name in under an hour, after quite a number of increasingly ridiculous wrong guesses (including Neil Hannon, a reference to the Divine Comedy singer who wrote the show's theme tune). His behaviour disturbs Ted: he enjoys wandering around in nothing but his underpants, is not averse to showing Ted some of his more intimate scars, and likes shadow boxing. He turns out to be a thief who wants to steal Ted's "Golden Cleric" Award. It is also revealed at the end of the episode that Todd Unctious is not his real name.

Other priests

• Father Jim Johnson (Chris Curran), Jack's equivalent on Rugged Island. Although Jim looks relatively normal compared to Jack, his personality and alcoholic habits are much the same.
• Father Cyril MacDuff (Don Wycherley), Dougal's equivalent on Rugged Island. Dougal thinks he is "an awful eejit." He often gets confused about events, for instance, thinking that Dick's five-a-side football team has won the match ("Escape from Victory").
• Father Fintan Fay (Jimmy Keogh), an old, mad priest (the Monkey Priest of Killybashangel) who communicates in a noisy gibberish (resembling the gibbering of a monkey, hence his nickname) that, somehow, everyone can understand. He is not supposed to see his own reflection because he doesn't know he's a priest. He is well liked by other priests and his reason for getting a parachute on the crashing plane was applauded. ("Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest", "Flight into Terror").
• Father Billy O'Dwyer (Gerry O'Brien), aka The SpinMaster. Craggy Island's resident funky DJ (even though the only record he has is Ghost Town by The Specials) and gambling addict who ruins the raffle in "Think Fast, Father Ted" by stealing the proceeds to pay off his underworld debts.
• Father Liam Finnegan (James Benson), the famous "Dancing Priest". His untimely demise (from a heart attack) provided Ted with the unexpected bequest of a car (Rover 216). The car was later ruined by Father Jack after he drove it to the off-licence and left it in the path of two oncoming trucks. ("Think Fast, Father Ted"). The song he is seen dancing to is called Beatnik Fly, by Johnny and the Hurricanes.
• Father Tiernan, Father Rafter, Father Cafferty and Father Leonard, friends of Ted's who step in to fill an awkward hiatus by performing as a strange Kraftwerk-style electro group. ("Think Fast, Father Ted").
• Father Damien "Damo" Lennon (Joe Rooney), a plucky character, Dougal's role model. More of a football casual than a priest, he sports an earring, loves Oasis, smokes cigarettes and steals a whistle. ("The Old Grey Whistle Theft") He also features in the episode "Flight into Terror", sitting at the left-hand side of Father Dougal.
• Father "Frosty" Frost, Father Damo's registered keeper. ("The Old Grey Whistle Theft").
• Father Walton, an inmate of "Jurassic Park" who reached Stage 12 of the "hair thing", and was mistakenly kidnapped by Ted and Dougal in an attempt to recover Jack from the home. ("New Jack City").
• Father Joe Briefly (Patrick Duggan), an old mate of Ted's from the seminary, where he used to be known as "Himalaya Joe" because of the thick black hair growing between his toes, although apparently this was due to a medical condition. Joe lets Dougal know Ted had a nickname leading everyone know that Ted's nickname was "Father Fluffy Bottom" because "he had a big pile of fluffy white hair on his behind". ("Flight into Terror").
• Father O'Shea, a passenger in "Flight into Terror" who confessed to impregnating his housekeeper and forcing her to leave the country, thus slightly dashing his chances of winning a parachute. His chances were further dashed when he didn't stop typing his "why-I-should-get-a-parachute" speech when the time was up.
• Father Cave and Father Gallagher (Graham Linehan), a pair of young priests. It appears that Father Cave's idea of their relationship is slightly different from that of Father Gallagher, to the embarrassment of both parties. Graham Linehan appears as Father Gallagher, who after hearing that the plane is in danger of crashing, suggests they pray to God for help. This idea is met with disdain from his fellow priests. ("Flight into Terror").
• Father Flynn (Jonathan White), a not totally with-it priest. When asked to write 200 words on "why I should be given a parachute" in "Flight into Terror", he stood up and produced only a drawing of himself "in the nip, with a dog", claiming to have misunderstood what was going on before taking his seat again.
• Father Liam Deliverance (Dermot Crowley), an only partially insane priest who wreaks destruction upon the Parochial House before assisting Ted at the "Lovely Girls" competition. ("Rock-a-Hula Ted").
• Father Barty Dunne (Fergus O'Kelly), the Laughing Priest. Barty earns universal hatred and annoyance by his habit of chuckling hysterically through everything he says. ("Competition Time").
• Father Harry Coyle (Paul Woodfull), who appears as a Ziggy Stardust lookalike in "Competition Time".
• Father Paul Cleary (Tommy Duggan), an extremely aged priest who attends Jack's wake in "Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest" and refuses Mrs Doyle's "diagonal" sandwiches.
• Father Mackie and Father Jim Sutton, who also attend the premature wake.
• Father Jose Fernandez (Derrick Branche), is an old friend of Ted and Dougal. He is a priest from Cuba and he drives a red convertible Porsche 930. He visits them, leaving Dougal a VCR and Ted a Cuban fertility symbol. Speaks only in Spanish which a narrator translates, including the laughter. According to the episode DVD commentary, it is not certain whether Ted and Dougal understand Spanish or actually hear the disembodied voice. Played by Derrick Branche, who was Gupte in Only When I Laugh also starring Richard Wilson, who appears as himself in another episode. ("The Mainland").
• Father Seamus Fitzpatrick (Patrick Kavanagh), to whom Ted once lent his copy of Stephen King's The Shining, collector of (German) war memorabilia and not-so-closet Nazi. His ex-Wehrmacht housemate unfortunately confuses Valium with cyanide, spelling swift death all round. ("Are You Right There, Father Ted?").
• Father Brian Eno, an attendee at "It's Great Being a Priest '98", portrayed by Brian Eno himself.
• Father Kevin (Tommy Tiernan), a young priest whose suicide attempt is foiled by Ted at "It's Great Being a Priest '98". He is later cured of depression by "Theme From Shaft", but subsequently plunges back into the depths of it after overhearing a Radiohead song ("Exit Music (For a Film)") on a bus. ("Going to America").
• Father Derek Beeching (Eamon Morrissey) who mucks in to help with the milk-float crisis in "Speed 3". He is particularly fond of saying mass. Father Beeching and Father Clarke live at Barren Island Parochial House.
• Father Clarke (Arthur Mathews), who encourages Father Beeching to say mass during the milk-float crisis in "Speed 3".
• Father Jessup (Ian Fitzgibbon), the most sarcastic priest in Ireland and PA to Bishop Brennan. His sarcastic comments include, "No, I'm up in space, doing important work for NASA." Despite his authoritative character, Father Jack locks him in his underwear basket for attempting to chastise him. Since Mrs Doyle learns to do the opposite of everything he says, he is left locked in the basket despite pleading for help. ("Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse")
• Father Buzz Cagney (Jeff Harding), often imitated by way of fancy dress, he appears in the last episode, after seeing Ted help Father Kevin from killing himself at the "It's Great to be a Priest '98" celebration, and offers Ted a chance to work with him in a parish in America, which Ted decides to turn down upon hearing about gun violence in the country. ("Going to America").
• Father Nick, star striker alongside Father Jack in the "Annual, All-Priests, Five-a-Side, Over-75's Indoor Challenge Football Match", who dies before the big match in "Escape from Victory". He is seen lying in a hi-tech coffin that can receive faxes.
• Father Niall Haverty (Stephen Brennan) who provides Ted with the false arms and electric wheelchair for Fr Jack in "Escape from Victory".
• Father Romeo Sensini, (Conor Evans) Italian priest and football champion in the "Annual, All-Priests, Five-a-Side, Over-75's Indoor Challenge Football Match" in "Escape from Victory". He can climb two flights of stairs unassisted and he needs only one nun to help him get out of a chair.
• Father Ned Fitzmaurice,(Peter Dix) an elderly priest who adds to the injury crisis in the build-up to the "Annual, All-Priests, Five-a-Side, Over-75's Indoor Challenge Football Match". Tripped on a pavestone and one of his kneecaps fell off, forcing Ted to play him in goal. ("Escape from Victory").
• Father Deegan (Kevin McKidd), a young and despairing Glaswegian priest, fresh from the seminary, who is part of the group that gets lost in the lingerie department. ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Billy (Donncha Crowley), another of the priests who get lost in the lingerie department. He is not particularly out-of-the-ordinary although he seems to believe that a priest buying women's underwear would not look so strange. ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Terry (Neil McCaul), the lost priest who kept pointing out that it was apparently "Ireland's biggest lingerie section". ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Cleary (Joe Taylor), the lost priest who managed to injure himself with the elastic strap of a bra after messing about with it. ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Fitzgerald (Sean Barrett), a dreary character infamous for having an incredibly boring voice which is almost too dull to listen to. The trapped priests use his voice as a means of escaping from the lingerie department unnoticed. ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Reilly (Colum Gallivan), the exact opposite of Father Fitzgerald in that he has a rather more exciting voice and acts in a dramatic thespian-like manner. ("A Christmassy Ted").
• Father Williams, a priest secretly working for the Provisional Irish Republican Army who was driving Father Larry Duff to the picnic. Father Williams and Larry Duff were stopped by armed soldiers, due to the discovery of "a big box of machine guns in his house", he ran through the roadblock and was shot by the soldiers off-screen. ("Old Grey Whistle Theft").
• Father Shaft (Donegal priest) (Kevin Sharkey), a black priest who Sister Monica mistakes as being from Africa. He is in fact from Donegal. ("Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest")
• The inmates of St. Clabbert's, mad, old priests who have been transferred to St. Clabbert's Old Priests Home. They start shouting whenever a light is switched on in their presence, and seem capable of only shouting "DRINK!", "FECK!", "ARSE!" and "GIRLS!". ("New Jack City")
• The posh priest, an inmate of St. Clabbert's who says "I really shouldn't be here." ("New Jack City")

Unseen priests

• Father O'Rourke, owner of the new caravan rented by Ted, Dougal and Jack which is "twice as big as the old one". ("Hell").
• Father Jimmy Ranable, a friend of Ted's whose time under the tutoring of Jack had the greatest effect on him. Then took part in the "Drumshanbo Massacre". ("Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest").
• Father Benny Cake, a priest who according to Ted recorded a song that went to number one in England. He didn't want people to know he was a priest so he changed his name, Ted couldn't remember what he called himself but mentioned "...Anyway, I think the song was called Vienna", Implying he was actually Midge Ure from Ultravox (even though, in fact, that song only made it to number two in the UK chart) ("Song For Europe").
• Father Clippett, "they say he does a good long Mass", now takes three hours to say mass, due to having had a stroke. "Value for money", according to Sister Assumpta. ("And God Created Woman").
• Father Shortall, whom Ted and Dougal both ask Father Stone if he has seen lately. Dougal reckons he must be nearly 80 now. ("Entertaining Father Stone").
• Father Jim Dougan, responsible for introducing Ted to Father Stone before he "ran out of the building".
• Father Sweeney, friend of Father Noel Furlong who is ridiculed because he had "a very small bladder, about the size of a Terry's Chocolate Orange." ("Hell").
• Father Fitzgibbon, another priest known to Father Noel Furlong, had a cup named after him and in a bizarre coincidence his big ears made him resemble a cup. ("Hell").
• Father Hegarty, from Chicago, does not actually appear but sends a fax through the hi-tech coffin of Father Nick in "Escape from Victory".
• Father Nolan had the misfortune of being involved in a gas explosion which punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. He was so badly injured that he could only be identified by his dental records and understandably feels rather down about it. Ted briefly mentions him in "Night of the Nearly Dead".
• Father Bigley, an unseen character within the series who is awarded many peculiar attributes. He was mistakenly considered dead; it emerged that he just looked dead. He has facial blotches and "big puffy fish lips bigger than the rest of his face", possibly due to an altercation with an exploding kettle. ("Hell"). He is an avid Dana fan, he is now in a home following some suspicious fires. He also wears perfume, and performed OJ Simpson's wedding. Ted mentioned that he had a friend "who was sending arms to Iraq".
• Father Clint Power, a priest and an old acquintance of Ted. Ted was confused when he saw the feminist headline 'Clit Power' in a magazine, as he thought that the article was referring to Clint Power.

Bishops

• Bishop Lindsay, whom Dougal thought was accusing Ted when he asked where Ted was when Kennedy was shot. Never appears in the series. ("Tentacles of Doom")
  • Known collectively as "The Bishops", these three appear in "Tentacles of Doom".
• Bishop Jordan (Paddy Ward), the one with the weak heart who leaves the Craggy Island parochial house in a coffin after an unsavoury incident with sewage.
• Bishop Eddie O'Neill (Kevin Moore), the one who, upon hearing Dougal's philosophy on God and existence, renounces religion and is last seen leaving for India in a van with some pot-smoking hippie friends.
• Bishop Facks (Denys Hawthorne), the maniacally intense one who latches onto Jack and leaves in an ambulance with the Holy Stone of Clonrichert up his behind.
• Bishop Tom McCaskell (Andrew McCulloch), the Bishop who telephones Ted with the news that he has won a Golden Cleric award. Apparently a friend of Ted, he is hiding in Rome following an unspecified scandal involving a woman who is planning to "write a bloody book about it", and is contemplating a move to South America. ("A Christmassy Ted")

Nuns

• Sister Assumpta, a crazed, sadistic nun belonging to the Mattie Hyslop cult, who tortures Ted and Dougal with early wake-up calls, morning punishments, beatings and cold baths in "Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading". Fortunately for Ted, she has one fatal weakness - chocolate - and this proves to be her undoing. Ted encountered her before, as the leader of a group of nuns in "And God Created Woman".
• Sister Imelda, aka 'the Blue Nun'. Apparently disappeared with Jack during a wedding.
• Polly Clarke, best-selling female novelist who became a nun after her experiences in "And God Created Woman".
• Sister Julia, a nun who is reputedly 97 years old. ("And God Created Woman")
• Sister Margaret, a nun who asks Ted where he gets the ideas for his sermons. ("And God Created Woman")
• Sister Danita, whom Dougal had an encounter with that was "a bit too close for comfort". Mentioned in "And God Created Woman" but never appears in the series.
• Sister Monica Mulligan, an Ulster nun who comes to stay with the boys, is mistakenly accused of "touching" Ted and diagnoses Jack's death, but is unceremoniously shunted off when the details of his legacy are revealed. ("Grant unto Him Eternal Rest"). She also has a minor role as a nun at St Clabberts. ("New Jack City")
• Two nuns on plane, persistently throw paper balls at Ted in "Flight into Terror" causing him to react with rage, but a blind priest behind him laughs simultaneously (At a comedy tape he is listening to) making Ted believe that it is him throwing the paper. Pauline McLynn plays the smaller nun.
• Sister Mary Gondola, a call centre agent working for the Mattie Hyslop customer services division.
• Singing Nun, a nun working for the Mattie Hyslop organization, who joyously sings Ave Maria down the phone to Ted whenever his call is put on hold.
• Sister Concepta, one of Sister Assumpta's group in 'And God Created Woman' she gave Father Ted's mass 10/10 and Sister Assumpta dubs her as very hard to please.

Inhabitants of Craggy Island

• John and Mary O'Leary, (Patrick Drury and Rynagh O'Grady) a married couple who own and operate a shop on Craggy Island. The pair utterly hate each other and are constantly devising ways to maim and kill each other, such as Mary threatening to stick a knife "up [John's] arse!" Despite this, they act like a happily married couple in front of priests. Whenever the characters encounter John and Mary, the pair are insulting each other or in the middle or aftermath of yet another attempt to kill each other. In a DVD commentary the writers said although they liked the characters they felt were limited to one joke and were gradually used less as the series progressed. In the final series they only made one appearance.
• Tom (Pat Shortt), a violent village idiot, vivisectionist, armed robber, lorry driver etc. Tom is often to be seen wearing his "I shot J.R." t-shirt, looking at outsiders as they arrive on Craggy Island. Ted often displays a complete lack of interest in crimes or sins Tom may have committed. On one occasion when Tom confesses a murder, Ted tells him that he is much too busy to speak to him about it. Another time he sees Tom rob a post office while Ted is waiting in a car outside for him. Upon telling Tom that he hopes he isn't up to his old tricks, Tom replies "'Tis my money, Father. I just didn't want to fill in the forms". Tom has a scar, which when asked about he declared 'I was in an argument'. He then pulls down his trousers, and grinning from between his legs declares 'would you believe me own dog did that to me. Doesn't it look like a face?'. He appears in "Good Luck, Father Ted", (as the first person Terry McNamee sees upon his arrival on Craggy Island) "And God Created Woman", "Hell" and "The Plague" (as the person Ted and Dougal call on to "take care of" the rabbits).
• The Sergeant, the island's garda. He does not enjoy his job and laments that Craggy Island is boring, to the point where he actually wishes that there was a murderer on the loose. His predecessor was Sergeant Thornton, who for some reason left his handcuffs (but not his keys) at O'Leary's. He appears in "Competition Time", "The Old Grey Whistle Theft" and in "A Christmassy Ted". His name is uncertain; in "Competition Time" he is Sergeant Deegan (played by John Olohan), in "The Old Grey Whistle Theft" he is Sergeant Hodgins (also played by John Olohan) while in "A Christmassy Ted" John Quinn plays a "Police Sergeant" (even though the word "police" is not used by the Garda Síochána). It is not clear whether these are meant to be separate characters.
• Michael Cocheese (Jon Kenny), the cinema manager, an old friend of Ted and Dougal's, who lets them in for half-price.
• Fargo Boyle, owner of Chris the sheep, in the episode "Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep".
• Giant Reed and Hud Hastings, two men paid by Fargo Boyle to frighten Chris the Sheep, and who buy with their bribe money a fur coat and a crown respectively.
• Pat, an elderly gentleman who, despite the very recent death of his wife (merely hours ago), insists on going to the cinema to see the controversial movie "The Passion of St Tibulus". He also appears in Father Ted episode "Going to America" (as "Eugene"), criticising Father Ted's Sunday mass sermon.
• Mr Benson (Mal Whyte), curator of the island's picnic spot. He appears to believe himself to be living in a spaghetti western movie. His beloved whistle was stolen from him in "The Old Grey Whistle Theft", but he got it back. In the process, however, he lost all feeling in one leg, but since his memory was also affected couldn't remember which leg it was. Previously, he had an affair with his wife's sister while his wife was in hospital, then got the babysitter pregnant.
• Sean Yin (played by Ozzie Yue) and his family, who live in Craggy Island's Chinatown. Ted does an extremely silly Chinaman impression, only realising at the last minute that the Yin family were watching him through the Parochial house window. They then believe him to be a racist.
• Colm, an old farmer, who appears in the episode "Are You Right There, Father Ted?" Having heard the rumours that Father Ted is a racist, he explains to Ted that the farm keeps him too busy to devote much time to "the old racism".
• Auld Jim Halpin, an eye-witness to the heinous whistle theft in "The Old Grey Whistle Theft". In a separate incident Ted tells Dougal and a group of nuns that Jim is dying, in an attempt to avoid saying mass. ("And God Created Woman") Jim however is not dying; Dougal remembers he is outside (having come to borrow some sugar) and brings him in. He did have a cold a couple of weeks earlier though. He also went to watch The Passion of St Tibulus despite Ted and Dougal's attempt to persuade the islanders otherwise.
• Mrs Carberry, an elderly lady with extreme right-wing views who appears in the episode "Are You Right There, Father Ted?". She is supportive of Father Ted when rumours circulate that he is a racist. She has extreme views on foreign people including the Chinese and has an anti-Greek fixation, because "they invented gayness".
• The Sewage Supervisor, unnamed, he misguidedly entrusts Tom with a gigantic sewage lorry in "Hell".
• Dr Sinnott, the island's doctor, who plays a large part in the life (and death) of the community. He must put on a radiation suit to examine Father Jack.
• Imelda, (Dawn Bradfield), winner of the Lovely Girls competition. She is 19 and from Dundalk. Ted reads a series of incorrect information about her.
• Mary, runner-up in the Lovely Girls competition. She loses to Imelda in the Lovely Laugh Tiebreaker. Ted comments on her having a lovely bottom, but to be politically correct, he says "Of course, they all have lovely bottoms".
• Joan, contestant in the Lovely Girls competition. She fails to make it to the finals because, Ted tells her, "Your sandwiches exceed the required six centimeters in width."
• The Lads, attending the Lovely Girls competition. Paddy, Billy and the two other unnamed lads are there to check out the lovely girls and have a few pints of Guinness.
• Pat Mustard (Pat Laffan), a sex-addicted milkman who leaves a trail of exceedingly hairy illegitimate children all around the island. Mrs Doyle is one of many women who becomes infatuated with him. When Ted's surveillance photos cost Mustard his job, Mustard rigs Dougal's milk float with a bomb. The plan backfires, and Mustard himself becomes the victim. ("Speed 3")
• Mr Fox, the head milkman. When shown incriminating photos relating to Pat Mustard's amorous activities with the housewives of Craggy Island, he at first offers to buy the pictures, but quickly backtracks and sacks Mustard when he realises that Ted actually objects to Mustard's conduct. Left without a milkman, he accepts Dougal's offer to fill in for a while. ("Speed 3")
• Mrs Sheridan and Mrs Glynn, two old pepperpots with an unusual taste in film; they are known to favour The Crying Game and Boyz n the Hood.
• Māori man, a man who attends the Craggy Island Celebration of Cultures. He appears in a reaction shot when Ted remarks that there are no Māori on the island, after mistakenly putting up a slide of a Māori person.
• Alan, the rambling host of the King of the Sheep awards.
• Mrs Boyle, who blabbed the news of Eoin McLove's visit to every middle-aged fan of his on Craggy Island, despite vowing that if she spread the word she'd be "struck down with every disease that it is known for a middle-aged woman to suffer from". ("Night of the Nearly Dead")
• Mrs Dunne, whose husband Mr Dunne tried to wash a cup last year and burnt the house down. ("Night of the Nearly Dead")
• Mrs Collins, whose husband Mr Collins tried to make his own bed last year and lost a leg. ("Night of the Nearly Dead")
• Paddy Short, who was "lured" to the Holy Stone of Clonrichert "and then they beat him with a stick". Doesn't appear in the series. ("Tentacles of Doom")
• Paddy Jordan, who runs the Craggy Island Greyhound Track. ("The Plague".)
• The Rudest Couple, an aggressively territorial man and wife who show bitter and disinhibited annoyance at Father Ted for sitting in their picnic spot. They use the words "fup off", "backstard" and "grasshole" in order to comply with the picnic area's no swearing rule in "The Old Grey Whistle Theft".
• Eugene, in "Going to America", as he is leaving the church after mass, comments to Father Ted that his sermon "...bored the arse off me". After being asked "What the hell was it about anyway", Father Ted balks, leaving Eugene to exclaim "Ah jaysis" as he walks away. (Eugene is played by the same actor as the character "Pat")
• Mrs Gleeson and Mrs Millet, Two housewives who are clearly waiting for Pat Mustard to deliver 'more than just dairy products' and are shocked to see Dougal arriving at the door in "Speed 3".

Inhabitants of the Mainland

• Mrs Dineen, Mrs Doyle's friend whom she meets and spends an afternoon with in the teashop, only to end up being arrested after fighting over who should pay the bill.
• Mrs O'Dwyer, Mrs Doyle's friend who was "robbed", meaning that she herself was stolen.
• Mr Sweeney, whose house was broken into and who was forced into a bra by the intruder. A victim of 200 cases of "forced transvestism" in the space of one year.
• Optician, analyses Father Jack's level of eyesight using a new DRINK chart given away in a Carlsberg promotion, only to later use one given to her by Slovakian company FECKARSE Industries.
• Tour Guide, shows Fathers Ted and Dougal and Richard Wilson amongst others around The Caves. Has great difficulty in not shouting Richard Wilson's catchphrase from One Foot in the Grave to his face.
• Ronald, AA member who spots Father Jack indulging in alcohol in a pub and is last seen being carried away in an ambulance.

Celebrities

• Henry Sellers (played by Niall Buggy), jovial game-show host and ex-alcoholic, who comes to the Island to host the All-Priests Stars in Their Eyes Lookalikes Competition, after the abrupt termination of a career as a game show host in England. Ted unwittingly allows Mrs Doyle to coerce him into having a glass of sherry, after which he drunkenly trashes the parochial house and runs riot around the Craggy Island countryside. Sergeant Lewis brings him down with a tranquilliser gun at seventy-five yards. .
• Richard Wilson (star of One Foot in the Grave) as himself. Upon hearing Ted's quoting of his character Victor Meldrew's catchphrase, "I don't believe it", he violently attacks Ted and hurls insults and threats at him.
• Eoin McLove, played by Patrick McDonnell, sickly-sweet television presenter and pop singer (hits include "My Lovely Mayo Mammy"). His only popularity is amongst middle-aged women, and he is completely dependent on others to perform even the simplest tasks for him, such as opening doors. He visits the Parochial House when Mrs Doyle, implausibly, wins a poetry competition. Bizarrely, at one point he tries to justify his obtuse behaviour by saying, quite simply: "I've no willy". Based on Irish singer Daniel O'Donnell.
• Patsy, played by Maria Doyle Kennedy, is Eoin McLove's manager and dogsbody.
• Lazlo St Pierre and John Morgan, night-time and morning DJs respectively on a local radio station which Ted, Jack and Dougal listen to while driving back from Father Finnegan's. Voiced by the writers; Graham Linehan, and Arthur Mathews in yet another little cameo.
• Terry MacNamee (Gerard Lee), producer of the TV programme Faith of Our Fathers.
• Charles Hedges (played by Peter Caffrey) and Fred Rickwood (played by Jon Kenny), a gay couple; respectively, producer and presenter of "A Song For Ireland". When offstage, Fred is dirty and disheveled and his speech is entirely incoherent, yet when he appears on camera he inexplicably becomes clean, well-dressed, and charismatic.
• Niamh Connolly (played by Clare Grogan), a radical feminist pop singer based on Sinéad O'Connor, who condemns the Catholic Church for various (unlikely) atrocities during the Great Famine. She comes to Craggy Island in an attempt to create a safe haven for victims of intolerance and hypocrisy. Dougal mistakenly "sells" the Parochial House to her.
• Father Ben and Father Brendan, the stars of a TV sitcom called "Father Ben" that is much enjoyed by Ted and Dougal. It is Craggy Island's version of Father Ted and it follows the lives of Father Ben and Father Brendan, and even appears to take place in the same house. The series included a cameo appearance by Father Ted co-creator Arthur Mathews as the long-suffering Ben. In fact they both bear a startling resemblance to Ted and Dougal. In the short bit of the show that appears in the episode "The Plague", Father Brendan has shorts on his head, and Dougal remarks "That Brendan's an eejit".

Miscellaneous

• Mr and Mrs Gleason, a hapless couple at Kilkelly Caravan Park who have their caravan invaded, their lovemaking spied on, their private ablutions interrupted and their lives generally made a misery by the priests from the Island. In addition Mr Gleason is carried several miles naked through the countryside on the bonnet of Ted's car, and thrown to the ground. Mrs Gleason returns briefly during the "Speed 3" episode when Dougal delivers her milk; she thinks it will be Pat Mustard, so she is topless and screams when Dougal arrives.
• The St Luke's Youth Group, shepherded by Father Noel Furlong and comprising Gerry Fields, Janine Reilly (who Noel Furlong thinks "would love to screech"), Tony Lynch (hypothetically eaten by Father Furlong who then shouts "shut up" to his face) and Nuala Ryan. Last seen heading off on Aer Lingus flights to Paraguay, having finally escaped Father Noel.
• Mrs O'Reilly, one of the many women made love to by sex-addicted milkman Pat Mustard in Speed 3. Theresa O'Reilly has the distinction of being the only "Mrs" on Craggy Island to have her first name revealed.
• Father Peter Clifford (Stephen Tompkinson) and Assumpta Fitzgerald (Dervla Kirwan) from the BBC drama series Ballykissangel, who appear in Ted's dream in "A Christmassy Ted".
• Dermot Stone (James Beswick) and Mrs Stone (Kate Binchy), who say it is a "terrible thing" that their son has been struck by lightning, but at the same time are distressed that he survived. Mr Stone's extroverted character is in stark contrast to his son.
• Mammy (Joane Hall), Father Stone's sinister grandmother who horrifies Ted when she whispers to him that she "knows what (Ted's) "up to", frightening Ted into thinking that she knows he asked God to do away with Father Stone.
• Tarot reader, a charlatan who reads Ted's fortune when Dougal backs out in "Good Luck, Father Ted". When Ted is uncertain about crossing her palm with silver, she says: "Gimme a pound!"
• Surly youth, appears under the cliffs in "Good Luck, Father Ted", watching a few men playing bodhráns and dancing a jig.
• Laura Sweeney (Zara Turner), the senior partner from law firm, Corlas, Corlas & Sweeney, and executor of Jack's will, who punches and swears at Ted when he and Dougal laugh at the notion of her being a solicitor. ("Grant unto Him Eternal Rest")
• Mr Pearson, Ted and Dougal tried to stay with him for a second week of their holiday last year but his, it turned out, was not a guesthouse. ("Hell")
• The fellow from England, touched the Holy Stone of Clonrichert and grew a beard. Never appears in the series. ("Tentacles of Doom"),
• Mwengwe, Ted and Dougal's friend from Addis Abbaba. Mentioned in Cigarettes Alcohol and Rollerblading. He is supposed to have a satellite antenna in his house.

Pets and other animals

• Sampras, Dougal's pet rabbit, named after Pete Sampras (because of some bizarre perceived connection between tennis and rabbits that Dougal does not explain).
• Ronaldo, Dougal's escape-prone, cycling hamster (named after the Brazilian striker Ronaldo).
• Chris, Fargo Boyle's multiple winner of "King of The Sheep" who suffers a crisis of confidence and starts burping.
• Big Brendan, another burping sheep who won the King of the Sheep in 1983, but Ted was convinced it was a "fluke."
• The Ants, a colony of giant ants living in the field that the Parochial House is in, which Dougal investigates with binoculars.
• Éamonn, the rabbit that Dougal bets £10 on at the Craggy Island Greyhound Track when Ted tries to race the rabbits in "The Plague".
• The Beast of Craggy Island, a fictional beast which is scaring everybody on the Island. Ted and Dougal later find out a Stereogram hanging from a tree is responsible for the noises believed to be made by the beast. ("Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep")
• Brick, Father Jack's very own pet brick which he lovingly cares for, only to have a sudden change of heart and hurl it at Ted.

References