Mixed-orientation marriage

A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between partners of differing sexual orientations. The broader term is mixed-orientation relationship and both terms are often shortened to MOM and MOR respectively.

The people involved in such a marriage may not be romantically or sexually compatible, for example if the marriage is between a heterosexual male and a homosexual female. If one of the partners is asexual, the marriage may involve romantic love but not sexual activity.

Asexual-sexual marriage

The marriage of an asexual to a sexual is one in which the asexual partner either does not experience sexual desire or attraction, or experiences low desire or attraction.[1] These marriages are often based on romantic love, however they experience challenges around sexual relations. For the asexual partner, the word "compromise" is used by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) community to label the act of consenting to have sex with their partner for their partner's benefit.[2] Sex simply does not occur to the asexual and, for this reason, it is most frequently up to the sexual partner to initiate. There are unresolved questions surrounding such marriages, such as whether the asexual partner has the right to demand the sexual partner be monogamous.[3]

Bisexual-heterosexual marriages

It is a myth that all mixed-orientation marriages fail, approximately one third of such couples stay married. Open communication both within and without the marriage are cited as factors which support marriage, as well as the presence of children. Bisexual-heterosexual marriages face external misunderstandings regarding the bisexual spouse's sexual orientation as either gay or straight, while peer support is cited as a helpful factor. Successful bisexual-heterosexual marriages "expanded their concept of sexual orientation to encompass dual attraction and assume marital sex as a given."[4]

Marriage between homosexual and heterosexual partners

A study on 26 gay men (which also included research on bisexual men) found that internalized homophobia is a factor that leads such men into mixed-orientation marriages.[5] Marriages between a homosexual man and a heterosexual woman have a high probability of failure.[6]

Joe Kort, a counselor specializing in mixed-orientation marriages, said "These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they're on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don't mean any harm."[7] While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage.[8] Research indicates that some people identify as exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grow toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.[9]

One study states that heterosexual women in mixed-orientation marriages may be attracted to homosexual men and proceed to marry them.[6] Kort said that "straight individuals rarely marry gay people accidentally."[10] He theorized that some heterosexual women find homosexual men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.[7]

Lavender marriage

A mixed-orientation marriage in which the sexual orientation of the partners is not compatible can serve to cover up one's sexual orientation, sometimes for purposes of maintaining or advancing one's career, especially a highly public career. In this case, it is sometimes called a lavender marriage in popular writing.[11] The heterosexual companion is in this case sometimes called a beard in slang.

Some persons cite spiritual reasons for getting married.[12][13] One married homosexual man said his "spiritual identity" had always been "marriage and family."[8]

Communication

Heterosexual wives of homosexual men who did not know of their husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or blame themselves for not having known. Fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism often makes it difficult for them to seek support from family and friends.[14] Findings suggest that heterosexual wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving.[15]

Sexual relationship disorder

A person who is either in a mixed-orientation marriage or wishes to enter into one may go to therapy or support groups to deal with issues involved in that type of marriage.[16] "A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage."[17] "Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy."[18] Research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage.[19] Therapy may include helping the client feel "more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns."[20] "Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families."[21]

Approximately one third of marriages end immediately when the bisexual or homosexual spouse reveals his or her sexual orientation, whereas another third end after a short period of time. The remaining third attempt to continue the marriage successfully. In this case, the most successful marriages reassess their relationship in light of the sexual orientation.[22]

Some bisexual men express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a mixed-orientation marriage,[23] with openness and communication being a key factor.[24]

Support groups are available for those involved in a mixed-orientation marriage. The New York Times states "Although precise numbers are impossible to come by, 10,000 to 20,000 wives of gay husbands have contacted online support groups, and increasing numbers of them are women in their 20s or 30s."[7]

Divorce

Divorce is one possible resolution for the homosexual partner, potentially with remarriage to person of the same sex. Gay and lesbian people who come out late in life may have children from a previous heterosexual marriage.

In media

The theme of mixed-orientation marriages in literature dates back at least to 1889 with the publication of A Marriage Below Zero by Alfred J. Cohen (writing under the pseudonym Chester Allan Dale). Cohen's heterosexual female narrator was married to a homosexual man. Cohen believed that women should be aware of the sexual orientation of a potential husband so they would avoid marrying a homosexual man.[25] Lesbian pulp fiction sometimes included married women exploring their attraction to other women. Other examples of the theme include Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx, which features two married cowboys in love with each other.

The filmed version of Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention,[7] but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as Oprah, have also addressed this situation.[26] Some of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages include:

References

  1. ↑ "Asexual Visibility and Education Network" (HTML). Retrieved 2015-03-22.
  2. ↑ "Sexual Compromise & Support" (HTML). Retrieved 2015-03-23.
  3. ↑ "Is it fair for an asexual person married to a sexual person to insist on a monogamous relationship?" (HTML). Retrieved 2015-03-22.
  4. ↑ Buxton, Amity Pierce (2004-07-01). "How Mixed-Orientation Couples Maintain Their Marriages After the Wives Come Out". Journal of Bisexuality (Routledge) 4 (1-2): 57–82. doi:10.1300/J159v04n01_06. Retrieved 2015-05-01.
  5. ↑ Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages: Attitudes, Behaviors, Childhood Experiences, and Reasons for Marriage
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 Büntzly G (1993). "Gay fathers in straight marriages". J Homosex. 24 (3–4): 107–14. doi:10.1300/J082v24n03_07. PMID 8505530.
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 7.3 Butler, Katy (March 7, 2006). "Many Couples Must Negotiate Terms of 'Brokeback' Marriages". New York Times.
  8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 Moore, Carrie A. (March 30, 2007). "Gay LDS men detail challenges". Deseret Morning News.
  9. ↑ Coleman E (1985). "Bisexual women in marriages". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 87–99. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_08. PMID 4056398.
  10. ↑ Kort, Joe (September 2005). "The New Mixed Marriage: When One Partner is Gay". Psychotherapy Networker.
  11. ↑ "Lavender marriage".
  12. ↑ Stack, Peggy Fletcher (August 5, 2006), "Gay, Mormon, married", The Salt Lake Tribune
  13. ↑ "No Easy Victory". Christianity Today. March 11, 2002.
  14. ↑ Hays D, Samuels A (1989). "Heterosexual women's perceptions of their marriages to bisexual or homosexual men". J Homosex. 18 (1–2): 81–100. doi:10.1300/J082v18n01_04. PMID 2794500.
  15. ↑ Gochros JS (1985). "Wives' reactions to learning that their husbands are bisexual". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 101–13. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_09. PMID 4056383.
  16. ↑ Rust, Paula C. (2000). Bisexuality in the United States: a social science reader. New York: Columbia University Press. ISBN 0-231-10227-5.
  17. ↑ Wolf TJ (1987). "Group psychotherapy for bisexual men and their wives". J Homosex. 14 (1–2): 191–9. doi:10.1300/J082v14n01_14. PMID 3655341.
  18. ↑ Schneider JP, Schneider BH (1990). "Marital satisfaction during recovery from self-identified sexual addiction among bisexual men and their wives". J Sex Marital Ther. 16 (4): 230–50. doi:10.1080/00926239008405460. PMID 2079706.
  19. ↑ Matteson DR (1985). "Bisexual men in marriage: is a positive homosexual identity and stable marriage possible?". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 149–71. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_12. PMID 4056386.
  20. ↑ Coleman E (1981). "Bisexual and gay men in heterosexual marriage: conflicts and resolutions in therapy". J Homosex. 7 (2–3): 93–103. doi:10.1300/J082v07n02_11. PMID 7346553.
  21. ↑ Buxton AP (2005). "A Family Matter: When a Spouse Comes Out as Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual". J GLBT Family Studies 1 (2): 49–70. doi:10.1300/J461v01n02_04. ISSN 1550-428X.
  22. ↑ Jerry J. Bigner, Joseph L. Wetchler Relationship therapy with same-sex couples
  23. ↑ Brownfain JJ (1985). "A study of the married bisexual male: paradox and resolution". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 173–88. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_13. PMID 4056387.
  24. ↑ Coleman E (1985). "Integration of male bisexuality and marriage". J Homosex. 11 (1–2): 189–207. doi:10.1300/J082v11n01_14. PMID 4056388.
  25. ↑ Fletcher, Lynne Yamaguchi (1992) The First Gay Pope and Other Records. Boston, Alyson Publications. ISBN 1-55583-206-7. p. 93
  26. ↑ My Husband is gay

Further reading