Jewish views of marriage
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Jozef Israëls: A Jewish wedding 1903
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Judaism traditionally considers marriage to be the ideal state of personal existence; a man without a wife, or a woman without a husband, is considered incomplete.[1]
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Betrothal (shiddukhin)
In Jewish law (halakha), betrothal (Hebrew: shiddukhin) or engagement is defined as the mutual promise between a man and a woman to contract a marriage at some future time and the formulation of the terms on which it shall take place.[2] The promise may be made by the intending parties or one made by their respective parents or other relatives on their behalf. (Kiddushin 9b) The betrothal does not in itself affect the personal status of the parties, nor does it give either party the right to claim specific performance.
Traditionally, engagements for marriage are generally brought about by a third person, often a professional match-maker ("shadchan"). The process is called Shidduchim (Hebrew: matches). The shadchan receives a "brokerage-fee" fixed by law or agreed upon by custom, as a rule a small percentage of the dowry. It is paid by either of the parties, or each paid one-half, at the betrothal or after the wedding. The rabbi, as a person enjoying special confidence, is sometimes employed as an intermediary. Although the marriage preliminaries are the concern of the parents, their children are not forced into marriage over their objections. The Shidduchim system is therefore a system of arranged introductions rather than arranged marriages although in some traditional circles it comes to a system of arranged marriages.
Today, in some orthodox circles many young people find their marriage partners without their parents' involvement, and even if they do follow the shidduch system, many engaged couples do not enter into formal betrothals. However, the parents of the couple are still usually involved in the marriage arrangements.
Marriage (kiddushin and nissu'in)
In Jewish law, marriage consists of two separate acts, called kiddushin (or erusin, the engagement ceremony) and nissu'in, the actual wedding. Kiddushin changes the couple's personal status, while nissu'in brings about the legal consequences of the change of status. In Talmudic times, these two ceremonies usually took place about a year apart. The bride lived with her parents until the actual marriage ceremony, which would take place in a room or tent that the groom had set up for her. Later in history, the two ceremonies took place as a combined ceremony, and the marriage ceremony started to be performed publicly.
There are three ways for a Jewish couple to effect kiddushin (Mishna, Tractate Kiddushin 1:1):
- With money (kesef) or with an object of value, such as a ring or a coin, for the purpose of contracted marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, and she actively accepts;
- Through a contract (shtar) in the presence of two witnesses, containing the declaration of kiddushin (see below); or
- By sexual intercourse with the intention of creating a bond of marriage; a method strongly discouraged by the rabbinic sages and intended only for levirate marriages.
Though all methods are halachically valid, the favoured practice since ancient times has been for kiddushin to take place only with kesef (i.e. "with money") - giving an object of value - which is almost always a ring, but can be a coin.
Halachically, a Jewish marriage is a personal act between a man and a woman. The actual marriage is the declaration of marriage (consecration) by the man and acceptance by the woman. The function of the rabbi is to act as the advisor to the couple, and the guests are the witnesses. The civil law of many countries requires the rabbi also to act as an agent for the State during the marriage ceremony, and for two independent witnesses to sign the wedding certificate.
Wedding
- See also: Jewish wedding
The traditional Jewish wedding is based on the Jewish principles of contract and the transfer of property or of rights.
Most Jewish marriages today use kesef ("money") for kiddushin. This involves the groom placing a ring on the bride's right index finger. The acceptance of the ring by the bride will indicate her agreement to the marriage. Traditionally there is no requirement for a verbal response by the bride. It is adequate that she signifies acceptance by closing the hand with the ring.
A ketubah is read publicly and witnesses are required for both the signing of the ketubah and the ceremony.
The woman in turn accepts the ring from the man, accepts the terms of the marriage contained in a ketubah ("marriage contract").
At the giving of the ring the groom (chatan) makes a declaration:
Often, the two witnesses who sign the ketubah say aloud "Mekudeshet".
Finally the couple are joined in matrimony under the chuppah, in the ceremony of nissuin, symbolizing their setting up house together. Very often the huppah is made of an outstretched tallit (Jewish prayer shawl), but it can be any sort of canopy.
The ceremony reaches its climax with both the bride and groom drinking wine. The groom then steps on a glass to break it. The origin of this custom is shrouded in mystery, and various understandings of this custom exist:
- The source seems to be from the Babylonian Talmud, tractate Berakhot 31a; it has a story about the wedding of Rav Ashi's son. When the celebrants began to get carried away, Rav Ashi brought out and broke a crystal glass in front of them. The interpretation by the Tosafot (early medieval Talmudic commentators) is that even during moments of great celebration, one must maintain proper decorum. It may be related to the belief that it is best to temper one's joy, in order to avert inviting bad fortune.
- The breaking of the glass represents the Jewish community's continuing sorrow of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem; no celebration is totally complete without the Temple.
- Among Kabbalists (adherents of Jewish mysticism), this custom is said to be a reminder of the broken fragments of Creation, and our need to engage in Tikkun Olam, the repairing of the world on a spiritual level.
Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism have created new customs governing the wedding ceremony. Today, most non-orthodox Jewish women respond by giving a ring to the groom, and recite an appropriate passage, such as the famous verse from the Song of Songs, Ani l'dodi v'dodi Li ("I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me", Song of Songs - Psalms 6:3). Objections to the Talmudic formulation center around the idea that marriage is the acquisition of a woman by a man.
Chuppah
A chuppah (the Jewish wedding canopy) has become a traditional feature in Jewish weddings. It consists of a cloth or sheet — sometimes a tallit ("prayer shawl") — stretched or supported over four poles, and is sometimes held or carried by attendants to the ceremony location. The most popular explanation is that it symbolizes the home which the couple will build together.
A traditional chuppah, especially within Orthodox Judaism, is set up so that there is open sky exactly above the chuppah. If the wedding ceremony is held indoors in a hall or a synagogue, sometimes a special opening is built to be opened during the ceremony. Many Hasidim prefer to conduct the entire ceremony outdoors.
In a spiritual sense, the covering of the chuppah is meant to represent the presence of God over the covenant of marriage. As a man's kipa (skull cap) served as a reminder of the Creator above all, (also a symbol of separation from God), so the chuppah was erected to signify that the ceremony and institution of marriage has divine origins.
Before going under the chuppah the groom, amidst joyous singing of the guests, covers the bride's face with a veil. This ceremony is called Badeken or Bedekung (meaning "the covering"). The origin of this tradition is in the dispute of what exactly is the chuppah. There are opinions that the chuppah means covering the bride's face, and that by this covering the couple is getting married. This opinion is based on Genesis 24:65: "Then she took her veil and covered herself" in which Rebekah meets Isaac. Some are strict to make sure that the witnesses will see the covering, for them to actually be considered as witnessing the marriage.
The Ketubah
The ketubah (the Jewish marriage contract) has become another feature of Jewish marriages. It lays out rights of the wife (to monetary payments upon termination of the marriage by death or divorce), and obligations of the husband (providing food, shelter, clothing, and sexual satisfaction to the wife).
The over-riding purpose of the ketubah is the protection of the wife in the event of her financial support ceasing as a result of divorce or the death of the economic breadwinner. The rabbis in ancient times used to prohibit the marriage of the woman "without the protection of the ketubah". The amount stipulated in the ketubah is a replacement of the biblical dower or bride price, which was payable at the time of the marriage by the groom to the bride or her parents.[3] The ketubah became a mechanism whereby the amount due to the wife (the dower) came to be paid in the event of the cessation of marriage, either by the death of the husband or divorce. It may be noted that the biblical bride price created a major social problem: many young prospective husbands could not raise the bride price at the time when they would normally be expected to marry. So, to enable these young men to marry, the rabbis, in effect, delayed the time that the amount would be payable, when they would be more likely to have the sum. The mechanism adopted was to provide for the bride price to be a part of the ketubah. The ketubah amount served the same purpose as the dower: the protection for the wife should her support (either by death or divorce) cease. The only difference between the two systems was the timing of the payment. It is the predecessor to the wife's present-day entitlement to maintenance in the event of the breakup of marriage. Another function performed by the ketubah amount was to provide a disincentive for the husband contemplating divorcing his wife: he would need to have the amount to be able to pay to the wife.
Nowadays, Conservative Judaism incorporates in their ketubot a paragraph which allows, as an option as a "prenuptial agreement", a directive that if the couple ever gets a civil (non-religious) divorce, they must also go to a Bet Din ("Rabbinical court") and follow its directives, which may order the husband to give his wife a get, a Jewish divorce. This is known as the "Lieberman Clause."
Matrimony
Marital harmony
Marital harmony, known as "shalom bayit," is valued in Jewish tradition.
Sexual relations
Sexual relations are expected between husband and wife. This obligation is known as "onah."[4] A husband is responsible for providing his wife with sexual relations (Ex. 21:10), as well as anything else specified in the ketubah. Marital sexual relations are the woman's right, not the man's. A man cannot force his wife to engage in sexual relations with him, nor is he permitted to abuse his wife in any way (a practice routinely permitted in Western countries until quite recently). [5], [6]
Ritual purity in family life
The laws of "family purity" (taharas hamishpacha) are considered an important part of an Orthodox Jewish marriage. This involves observance of the various details of the menstrual niddah laws. Orthodox brides and grooms often attend classes on this subject prior to the wedding.
Controversy over intermarriage
According to the National Jewish Population Survey 2000-01, 47% of marriages involving Jews in the United States between 1996 and 2001 were with non-Jewish partners. Rates of intermarriage have increased in other countries in the diaspora as well. Jewish leaders in different branches generally agree that possible assimilation is a crisis, but they differ on the proper response to intermarriage.
- All branches of Orthodox Judaism refuse to accept any validity or legitimacy of intermarriages.
- Conservative Judaism does not sanction intermarriage, but encourages acceptance of the non-Jewish spouse within the family, hoping that such acceptance will lead to conversion.
- Reform Judaism and Reconstructionist Judaism permit total personal autonomy in interpretation of Jewish Law, and intermarriage is not discouraged. Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis are free to take their own approach to performing marriages between a Jewish and non-Jewish partner. Many but not all seek agreement from the couple that the children will be raised as Jewish.
There are also differences between streams on what constitutes an intermarriage, arising from their differing criteria for being Jewish in the first place. Orthodox and Conservative streams do not accept as Jewish a person whose mother is not Jewish, nor a convert whose conversion was conducted under the authority of a more liberal stream.
Marriage in Israel
- See also: Marriage in Israel
Civil marriage does not exist in Israel, and the only institutionalized form of Jewish marriage is the religious one, i.e. a marriage conducted under the auspices of the rabbinate. Specifically, marriage of Israeli Jews must be conducted according to halakha, as viewed by Orthodox Judaism. This implies that people who cannot get married according to Jewish law (e.g. a kohen and a divorcée, or a Jew and one who is not halachically Jewish) cannot have their union legally sanctioned. This has led for calls, mostly from the secular segment of the Israeli public, for the institution of civil marriage. There are many people affected by this law. In the Land of Israel today, there are approximately "300,000 Israelis who cannot marry because one of the partners is not Jewish, or his or her Jewishness cannot be determined."
Some secular Israelis travel abroad to have civil marriages, either because they do not believe in the Orthodox view of Judaism or because their union cannot be sanctioned by halakha. These marriages are legally binding in Israel, though not recognized by the rabbinate as Jewish.
While people of different religions may be citizens of the State of Israel, all legal marriages performed in Israel must be sanctioned by religious authorities of one faith or another. Couples of mixed religion, for example a Christian and a Jew, or a Muslim and a Jew, cannot legally marry in Israel.
Divorce
Orthodox Judaism
Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a get. The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. If a man refuses to grant his wife a divorce, she assumes the status of an agunah (literally, "chained" or "anchored" wife); she is unable to remarry until the divorce is granted. A similar but rarer situation, in which the wife refuses to accept a get, similarly prevents the husband from remarrying, but there are some subtle differences between these scenarios.
Since the enlightenment, local Jewish communities have lost their autonomous status and were assimilated into the nation in which they lived, and Jewish authorities lost their civil powers to enforce Jewish marriage and divorce laws. However, this change resulted in rabbis losing the power to force a man to give his wife a get, and Jewish law does not allow a woman to give a get to the husband. Without a get, a Jewish woman is forbidden to remarry and is therefore called an agunah (literally "an anchored woman").
Conservative Judaism
Conservative Judaism, follows halacha though to a lesser degree then Orthodox Judaism. The Conservative movement allows certain changes to be made in the Ketubah (wedding document) to make it egalitarian, though this is controversial. Both Conservative and Orthodox traditions have approaches to prevent the possibility that a woman might not be able to obtain a Jewish divroce from her husband. Conservative Judaism adds a clause in the ketuba to prevent any possibility of the woman ever becoming agunah (famously known as "the Lieberman clause"); Orthodox approaches favour the use of arbitration and pre-nuptial agreements
After doing research on this problem in conjunction with other rabbis, Professor Lieberman developed what came to be called "the Lieberman clause", a clause added to the ketubah (Jewish wedding document). In effect it was an arbitration agreement used in the case of a divorce; if the marriage dissolved and the woman was refused a get from her husband, both the husband and wife had to go to a rabbinic court authorized by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America and heed their directives, which could (and usually did) include ordering the man to give his wife a get.
At the time this clause was proposed it has some support in the Modern Orthodox community, and Orthodox leader Joseph Soloveitchik gave this proposal his approval. They began work on a joint rabbinic committee that would insure objective standards of marriage and divorce for both Orthodox and Conservative Judaism. However, objections from ultra-Orthodox rabbis torpedoed this effort at cooperation, and the proposed joint effort faltered.
Most of Orthodox Judaism then rejected the Lieberman clause as a violation of Jewish law, and have devised a separate prenuptial agreement external to the ketubah which has a similar effect - this agreement states that if the husband refuses to grant the get, he will be required to pay an enormous ongoing fee until he grants the get. This agreement is done in such a way that the husband, upon granting the get, will not be considered to have done so under duress (which would invalidate the get), but instead he has a free-will choice to either grant the get or keep paying money (but the fee is usually large enough that he effectively has no choice but to grant the get, unless he wishes to go bankrupt). In addition, this agreement is considered a legal contract by civil courts, so that if the husband refuses to pay the money or grant the get, and the rabbinical courts are unable to enforce the agreement, the civil courts can enforce it. There are sources for this in ancient Tenayim documents. In a recent development the Rabbinical Assembly, the international assembly of Conservative rabbis, has also promoted the use of a separate prenuptuial agreement, to be used in place of the Lieberman clause. This is not because they have concerns about its legitimacy, but rather about its practical effectiveness.
Neither of these arrangements, however, address the agunah problem in the case of a missing husband.
Reform Judaism
Reform Jews usually use an egalitarian form of the Ketubah at their weddings. They generally do not issue Jewish divorces, seeing a civil divorce as both necessary and sufficient; however, some Reform rabbis encourage the couple to go through a Jewish divorce procedure. Conservative and Orthodox Judaism do not recognize civil law as overriding religious law, and thus do not view a civil divorce as sufficient. Thus, a man or woman may be considered divorced by the Reform Jewish community, but still married by the Orthodox or Conservative community.
See also
Judaism's view
- Role of women in Judaism
- Shidduch (finding a marriage partner)
- Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
- Niddah (rutual purity laws)
- Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- Yichud (prohibitions of seclusion with the opposite sex)
- Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
- Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife)
- beshert (a person's destined soul mate)
- Jewish wedding
Non-Jewish views
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- Buddhist view of marriage
- Christian views of marriage
- Confucian view of marriage
- Islamic marital jurisprudence
- Hindu view of marriage
References
- ↑ Babylonian Talmud - Yebomoth 62b.
- ↑ The Principles of Jewish Law, Ed Menachem Elon, ISBN 0-7065-1415-7, p 353.
- ↑ See also Exodus 22:15-16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-29.
- ↑ Judaism 101: Kosher Sex
- ↑ See section: The Marital Relationship
- ↑ [1]
External links
- The Jewish Wedding on Chabad.org
- Brief explanation of Jewish wedding
- Guide to Jewish Weddings
- Brief overview of Orthodox jewish wedding
- An explanation of the laws and customs of a Jewish Wedding
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