User:Xnux/Backstory
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This is the backstory of Xnux, a Wikipedian who is notable for contributing many musical navigational templates.
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[edit] Early Days
[edit] Pre-creation
As 1994 slowly progressed through the roads of time, a new video game was unleashed unto the world on February 2: Sonic the Hedgehog 3. This game would prove to be an critical and commercial success for Sonic Team. Nintendo was not happy. They had not released any game that could compare to the success in Sonic the Hedgehog 3 that year. Nintendo knew that they needed to react quickly if they were to keep their popularity. Unfortunately, Super Metroid would not be released until months later. Because Nintendo was lazy, they decided to blatantly copy off of Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and hope that the current generation of kids was too dull to tell the difference.
Nintendo wanted to play off the popularity of the new videogame character Knuckles the Echidna. They would create Knuckles sprites, give them a palette swap, give their character a new name, create a Sonic-esque game, and release their creation to the masses. Easy, right?
Wrong. There weren't emulators for the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis back then, so Nintendo could not simply 'copy' the sprites. Nintendo contemplated on how they would get their Knuckles sprites. They reached a dead end. So, a geeky Nintendo employee (which is pretty much everyone who works at Nintendo) hacked into Sonic Team's sonic-secret database and uncovered an interested fact: Knuckles the Echidna was actually based on a real mutant animal that Sonic Team owned. In fact, all of the Sonic characters were based off of mutant animals. Except [[|Doctor Eggman|Dr. Robotnik]]. He was based off of the average American.
So, instead of just creating their own Knuckles sprites, Nintendo devised an elaborate plan to bust into the Sonic Team headquarters in Japan, steal the Knuckles-like animal, extract his DNA, use that DNA to construct an entirely new Knuckles-like animal with advanced cloning technology, making sure that the animal was different from the original in some way, take many different pictures of that animal, and finally use photograph-to-pixel conversion techniques to create sprites that were near replicas of the actual Sonic games. Instead of merely creating their own sprites. Smart, huh?
Nintendo carried out that plan quite successfully on February 29. Once the DNA was acquired, it was placed in a cloning machine in a Nintendo building in Kyoto. The clone, which had been given the name Xnuckles, was slowly being created.
[edit] Creation
It took two days for the machine to construct the body of Xnuckles. On March 1, Nintendo prepared to hook up another machine to the cloning machine; this machine would bring Xnuckles to life. This life-machine started up and was 99% of the way to bringing Xnux to life when a something catastrophic happened. A Nintendo employee was enjoying a Mountain Dew on a balcony one floor above the cloning machine when he suddenly lost his grip on his drink and the Mountain Dew bottle fell directly into the cloning machine.
The machine reacted chaotically with the Mountain Dew. The bottle was melted, and it subsequently melded Xnuckles' two eyes together and gave the eye a jet black color. The drink itself was abosrbed into Xnuckles' fur, giving it an emerald green color. Then, as Xnuckles came to life, he went beserk. After destroying the cloning machine he was inside, he destroyed nearly everything in sight with his fists. Over $7 million worth of equipment was damaged, and 14 Nintendo employees were killed. The only Nintendo employee inside that particular building who survived was Gunpei Yokoi, who would later direct the creation of Super Metroid.
[edit] Osaka Days
[edit] The Art of the Sword
Xnuckles fled to Osaka and hid out in the alleyways, not sure where to go. He passed the time by pickpocketing food from bystanders or money to purchase food. On March 7, he attempted to pickpocket a Japanese man that looked unusually focused. This was not a smart decision on Xnuckles' behalf. The man noticed Xnuckles attempting to steal his money and chased Xnuckles into an alleyway with a katana. Xnuckles, frantic, grabbed an iron bar lying on the ground next to him.
Xnuckles' pursuer swiped his katana, but Xnuckles managed to block the swipe with his iron bar. The man kept attempting to slash Xnuckles with his weapon, but Xnuckles masterfully blocked each blow. The man was very impressed by this, and offered to teach Xnuckles how to use a sword. However, there was a problem: Xnuckles did not speak any Japanese. In fact, since Xnuckles had not been taught anything, he could not speak any language.
The man realized this, so he decided to teach the strange creature the art of the sword purely by demonstration. He showed Xnuckles a proper cutting technique with his katana, then pointed at Xnuckles. Xnuckles poorly attempted to replicate the motion, not sure what the man was trying to do. The man shook his head in disapproval, and then adjusted Xnuckles' arms to the correct positions. He then guided Xnuckles' arms through the motion. Xnuckles, realizing that the man was trying to teach him, reattempted the cutting technique, this time doing it flawlessly. The lessons had begun.
For the next week, the man came back to Xnuckles' alleyway everyday at 12:00 p.m., bringing a hearty luncheon for the two of them. After lunch, the man would show Xnuckles more sword techniques purely by demonstration and trial and error. By the end of the week, Xnuckles was extremely skilled in the art of the sword. The man gave Xnuckles a thumbs up to show that he had completed the lessons successfully, and presented to him a graduation gift: a katana made from steel. Xnuckles bowed to the man in thanks. The man then left the alleyway.
[edit] Nintendo Wars
On March 15, Nintendo decided to take revenge on Xnuckles. They sent Agents Pikachu and Wario to dispose of Xnuckles, equipped with Type 14 8 mm Nambu Pistols and tantō, Japanese daggers. The Agents wandered around the Kansai region of Japan, finding no trace of Xnuckles. As the Agents were about to give up hope in Osaka, they noticed something green in an alleyway. They investigated the alleyway to discover Xnuckles wielding a katana!
The Agents immediately fired their pistols at Xnuckles. To their surprise, Xnuckles deflected the bullets easily with his katana, and then started running at Sonic-like speed. The Agents went in separate directions and chased after the runaway echidna. However, they simply could not find him, as Xnuckles was craftily hiding under a manhole. The Agents gave up looking in the alleyway and continued looking out in the streets of Osaka.
Xnuckles waited for the Nintendo Agents to leave and tried to remove the manhole above him, but for some reason it would not budge. He navigated through the Osaka sewers until he found another manhole. He was able to lift this manhole easily and found himself in an Osaka street. Unfortunately, he found himself directly next to the Nintendo Agents.
Xnuckles kicked the Agents in the pods and ran like hell. The Agents, after recovering from the painful blows, ran after him, firing their pistols. The people on the street watched in amazement, and because they did not make an effort to run away, many of these people were hit comically by stray bullets. Xnuckles thought that he was doomed to be shot until he saw a cruise ship heading out of a port. That could be his ticket out of here!
Xnuckles jumped on the head of a random bystander and used the head to propel himself into the air. The Agents did the exact same thing. All three of them managed to grab ahold of the bars on the ship. Agent Pikachu took out his dagger and attempted to swipe at Xnuckles' throat. Xnuckles swayed back to avoid the swipe, then kicked the dagger out of Agent Pikachu's hand. Xnuckles then punched the Agent in the face, causing the Agent to lose his grib on the bars and fall hilariously into Osaka Bay.
Xnuckles and Agent Wario climbed onto the cruise ship and unsheathed their blades. They engaged in a katana/tantō fight for the ages, much to the amusement of the people on the cruise ship. While fighting, Agent Wario started to wonder, "Why am I trying to kill him with a sword when I could just shoot him?" Agent Wario quickly grabbed his Nambu pistol and fired it at Xnuckles' face.
Xnuckles blocked the bullet with his katana, but the sheer force of the bullet knocked the katana out of his hands. The blade flew halfway across the cruise ship and landed comically in someone's crème brûlée. Xnuckles was now defenseless in front of an armed, trigger-happy Nintendo Agent. Before the Agent could finally rid Nintendo of its costly experiment, something unexpected occurred: Agent Wario crumpled to the ground. Behind the Agent was a seemingly-normal teenage boy wielding a chair.
Xnuckles was stunned. He had no idea what had just happened, and he couldn't ask the teen about it. Eventually, the boy said, "I thought you could use some help. My name's Sethro." Eventually, Sethro discovered that the funny green echidna that looked peculiarly like Knuckles the Echidna didn't know any English. So, Sethro figured that he might know monotreme-speak, a language that echidnas and platypuses (yes, it's platypuses, not platypi). Sethro only knew monotreme-speak because he was in a Knuckles fan club.
So, Sethro asked Xnuckles "How are you?" in monotreme-speak, which sounded like "Eee eh e'eh?" Xnuckles realized he knew this language, and replied back, "I need to get my sword." So Xnuckles went to over to the crème brûlée his katana was lodged in, the crème brûlée's eater still in shock. Seeing a green, anteater-looking thing pull out the katana didn't exactly help to relieve the shock either. The owner of the crème brûlée promptly went to bed after that.
[edit] The Cruise
For the remainder of the cruise, Xnuckles and Sethro became acquainted. Sethro introduced himself as someone who "lived life in the pursuit of knowledge" and "indulging in the less-appreciated arts." In other words, Sethro was a hardcore nerd. Sethro's real name was Seth Clayton Lovejoy, but he hated that name, so he called him Sethro Tull as an obvious homage to Jethro Tull. He loved videogames, progressive music, and everything to do with Sonic the Hedgehog. Xnuckles could not really introduce himself, as he knew very little about himself.
Sethro discovered this when he asked for Xnuckles' name. Xnuckles himself did not know, so Sethro became determined to discover what his name was. The only details Xnuckles could reveal about himself were his creation, hiding in the alleyways, the Japanese man, and the Agents chasing him. Sethro thought deeply about this, and suddenly snapped to a conclusion. "Nintendo must have captured the animal portrayed in the Sonic games, brought it back to their headquarters, cloned the animal, then caused an anamoly during the cloning process, fusing and darkening your eyes and turning your fur green!" ...Xnuckles could only think of one word after hearing this, and its English translation would probably be "WTF?"
So, Sethro took Xnuckles to his room on the ship and took out his laptop. By effortlessly hacking into Nintendo's database, Sethro discovered that the files for the experiment that created Xnuckles. This confirmed Sethro's theory, and Sethro discovered that the green echinda's name was Xnuckles the Echidna. Xnuckles thought the name didn't sound that bad, but he was then informed by Sethro that that name was extremely similar to Knuckles the Echidna. So, following Sethro's advice, Xnuckles thought of himself from then as Xnux the Echidna. Xnux liked the name much better.
Most of the time, Sethro and Xnux partied on the cruise ship. At night, Sethro taught Xnux English and how to play Dungeons & Dragons. Xnux also learned more about Knuckles the Echidna, his clone and, therefore, biological twin. Xnux found it very strange to be related to a videogame character (well, sort of). All in all, Xnux had a very good time on the cruise ship, and he did not have any more run-ins with Nintendo (Agent Wario had been captured by authorities).
[edit] Australia
[edit] Super Circuit
The cruise's two-week journey finally ended at Adelaide, Australia. Sethro decided to adopt Xnux and take him to his house in Scoresby. Sethro had a somewhat nice car that played nothing but Rush and King Crimson. The drive to Scoresby was pretty long, but Sethro enjoyed talking to Xnux about various videogames. By the end of the trip, Xnux knew precisely how many Final Fantasy titles there were.
However, not everything was all fine and dandy. Sethro forgot to mention to Xnux that Nintendo's Australian headquarters were in Scoresby. So, driving to Scoresby when Nintendo was hunting for Xnux was pretty much the same as running into an enemy base unarmed during a war. Sethro and Xnux realizes this when Nintendo agents in Mario Karts started to pursue them and throw Koopa shells at them. Fortunately, Sethro had been in chase scenes like this before, so he was well-prepared. He simply used a Star and sped up. Simple, huh?
So, Sethro managed to outdrive Nintendo's agents with his superior driving skills. However, whenever they would lose some agents, twice as many agents seemed to come out of nowhere somewhere else. Soon, a whole armada of Nintendo-ites were breathing down Sethro and Xnux's necks. Sethro come to the conclusion that they would no longer be able to lose them by driving. He reluctantly resorted to an emergency procedure: he activated the car's self-destruct mode.
Sethro and Xnux immediately rolled out of the car and started running away. Before the Nintendo employees could react, Sethro's car exploded, annihilating the majority of the Mario Karts. The rest of the Karts drove away in fear. Meanwhile, Sethro guided Xnux towards his unsuspicious house in the suburbs. They didn't stop to breathe until they were inside and the door was locked.
[edit] Home Sweet Home
Xnux was guilty for having to make Sethro destroy his car, so he repeatedly tried to make up for it. Sethro kept on assuring him that it was not a big deal; he didn't get out of the house much anyway. Sethro held his house in much higher regard. It was a nerd's sanctuary, containing mountains of videogames, Tool albums, and a computer equipped with every World of Warcraft enhancement device known to man. It was here that Xnux would gain most of his knowledge.
For the next several weeks, Sethro and Xnux gamed undisturbed by Nintendo. However, this would not last for too long. Sethro realized that Nintendo had found them when he read an e-mail that said:
"We know you are hiding Xnuckles (green echidna) in your house. Either give him up to Nintendo before midnight, or we will come get him ourselves. Nintendo"
Sethro knew Xnux was no longer safe in Australia. Fortunately, Sethro had a seafaring uncle who was just about to depart from Adelaide to Guam. Sethro quickly called his uncle, and he agreed to smuggle Xnux into Guam. So, an hour later, Sethro's uncle arrived at the house and hid Xnux in his truck. They drove to[to be continued... when I feel like it]
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