Wikipedia:Wikistory (Sentence)
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[edit] Wikistory (started 13th April 2006)
Pluto was very pleased with his new red boots. Unlike his equally new iPod they kept his feet dry in the rain. "Life is definitely looking up" he thought to himself as he headed south towards home. Unfortunately he had not factored meeting Gloria into these thoughts. That woman - Gloria - try as he did, he could not forget her - or her auburn hair - damn, damn, damn!
Gloria, meanwhile, was chuckling gaily to herself as she transplanted seedlings in her greenhouse. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly Malcolm Hardee appeared naked and riding a stolen tractor! "Oh my!", exclaimed a now rather flustered Gloria. Hardee was singing to himself and failed to notice the looming Ha-ha until it was too late. Tumbling rapidly A over T with arms flailing wildly he made a comical sight at which Gloria could not help but disolve into a fit of hysterics.
Pluto watched aghast - never before had he seen such buffoonery - and never in Devon in February. Pluto's subconcsious wondered why this last was relevant, given that it was the 28th of June and Pluto was presently standing in Herefordshire. He had also just been given a Letter close by HM Queen Elizabeth II personally, with strict instructions to keep it in his sock drawer - or he'd find himself in the Tower of London - the day was taking a very odd turn!
Oblivious to all this, Henry was on routine patrol in his job as a border guard on a bridge over the River Tamar when he was startled by a sight he'd never before seen in all his 23 years of life. A balding, fat and panting vicar partly derobed and partly wearing a damaged rubbersuit lay across a park bench - tatooed on his forehead was a mysterious message - in what looked like blue biro. Ever curious, Henry peered at the scrawled biro message, "Monday Boscastle, Tuesday Frampton Cotterell, Wednesday Ripon, Thursday Arisaig, Friday Oslo, Saturday Royal Albert Hall, Sunday P.A.R.T.Y." he read aloud to himself.
"That's it - this is the real life Da Vinci code - I can solve this - I know I can." With that, he took a crumpled notepad from his pocket and noted the details down; he then carefully wiped the vicar clean so no one else could find the clues. "Now, where to start? Well, today is Thursday so that is Arisaig...", he muttered to himself before turning to a rather suprised looking squirrel, "Where the hell is Arisaig?" he demanded.
With his atlas on his knee, Henry pulled out of his drive and headed north - "Why Scotland on a Thursday?" he mused "This must be a clue." Musing on what he knew about Scotland, (haggis, tartan, Rab C. Nesbitt) he realised life as a Devonian border guard hadn't really educated him much about what he might find. If he was going to merge in with the locals he would need to be prepared - and so he bought himself a sporran, a kilt and a deep fried Mars bar - fully equiped now he felt confident as he headed north and he was sure that he could smell heather on the breeze! As he was travelling through the Quantock Hills at the time, his assumption that he could smell Scotland was, perhaps, a little premature, but, having never been further north than Chilton Polden, probably more naive than foolish.
The CCTV camera at the Dudley petrol station, showed queer looking man in a kilt and an ill-fitting sporran, covered in what looked like melted chocolate, leaping from the old Transit van - and a member of staff cleaning the pumps heard him shout "Ock the nooh" at a startled Brummie who promptly thumped him on the nose. "By the last rolo in my aubergine patch, I shall avenge that thump on the nose!" cried the queer looking man, flashing Brummie with a torchlight. However, Brummie was not to be outdone, he utilized his most divine ability and squeezed the man with a force choke.
Defeated and confused, Henry fled - he had to get to Scotland today - otherwise it'd have to be Oslo. As Oslo was not on his map of the British Isles, not getting to Scotland was not an option Henry wanted to consider. Mile after mile he went, the transit wheezing under the strain; eventually in the Blue hour he passed Gretna green. His days of historical reenactment were over, but gloaming on the green reminded him of faux-Paris before the faux-war, while the green flash on the horizon reminded him of how he first met Gloria, lying on that authentic antique cot with a lung full of authentic German chlorine.
Anyway - enough of these memories - pressing on, stimulated by Red Bull he finally he arrived at Arisaig - it was the arse end of nowhere - what could the significance of this place be he wondered. Something was wrong in the village, that much was clear, but Henry couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly it was. Then, after walking the length of the village he noticed what it was - every building had a piece of blue jelly sellotaped to it - to the left hand side of a gound floor window! "Excuse me madam, may I...", he started to ask the first passing villager he saw, but the completely blank look he got in return suggested she could not understand his accent. He briefly toyed with the idea of affecting a Scottish accent, but since he feared he would sprain his mouth in the process, Henry decided instead to gesticulate wildly towards the nearest blue glob, trying to indicate amazement, or possibly puzzlement. Unfortunately for Henry, upon seeing an unwashed, hairy man who could not speak properly start to flail his arms around and pull faces at her, Elspeth decided the safest thing to do was to run away. "Hamish, Hamish, come quickly John Prescott is here and he's after me." she cried.
Running so hard, Henry didn't notice his cell phone vibrating until it stopped: "1 missed call." Panting, he stopped and pressed re-dial.
Lounging in the public bar of the Red Lion Inn in Hereford, Pluto was most suprised when his mobile phone began warbling the BBC Cricket theme tune at him.
"What a cointhidenth," slurred Pluto, "I just called you!"
"So what was it you wanted? I'm on the verge of solving the greatest mystery since the sinking of the Titanic here", Henry replied huffily.
"I need help getting the bananas out of the blender!" Pluto cried.
"Oh, just turn it off and turn it upside down over whatever you want to put the bananas in... say, what do you know about blue jelly?" replied Henry.
Pluto grinned, "That without using real blueberries you can never get the real taste experience...."
"No you buffoon, why would blue jelly be sellotaped to houses in a Scottish village?"
"Scotland? The Titanic didn't have anything to do with Scotland?" Or did it? suddenly a very interesting thought flashed into his mind.
"The Titanic? What has the Titanic got to do with anything?" asked a very confused Henry, unaware of Pluto thought processes. Meanwhile a large blob of blue jelly was flung at him by a wizened old man hiding behind a wall. Henry tried to chase after the man, but the stranger sped off in his Edsel. As the man fled cackling to himself, the unmistakable sweet sickly smell of an illegal smoke wafted behind him. Scraping jelly off the side of his face he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, turning his head he saw three young girls, clearly triplets, each holding an ornate carriage clock.
The eldest, a winsome looking girl of about fourteen, gently opening the back of her clock and pulled out the head of a dandelion - "Look girls" she said.
"Sssh!", exclaimed her equally fourteen-year-old and equally winsome, but 9¾-minutes-younger sister, "You know we aren't supposed to show the Dandelions of Wrath to just anyone!". But it was too late - Henry had not only heard the girls, he had now also seen it - the Dandelion of Wrath. Not that he knew what a Dandelion of Wrath was, about to ask one of three girls he stopped, remembering what had happened last time he'd tried to communicate with a local.
The images of that rainy Saturday about a year ago flooded back to him. The horror of waking up naked in Montségur with a half eaten picnic laying next to him still haunted him along with the faces of those awful leering Japanese tourists taking pictures of him. "Get some freaking veneers," he thought, as he remembered their nasty teeth. Meanwhile, the middle girl (milk bottle glasses and teeth braces) approached him with a tape measure.
"This can't be him," she said, "he's too small!" "Let me see" said the older girl, grabbing the tape measure. "Yep, far too tiny," she said. "And much too big for it to be John Prescott" They said in unison - and they all giggled.
Milk squirted gleefully out of their noses. This made Henry feel very uncomfortable - a feeling that got worse as the elder girl (Rixende) unsheathed a large Bowie knife. Suddenly a shrill voice shouted - "Rixende, put that bloody knife away - I've warned you about this before - I thought the last incident with the vicar had taught you a lesson!"
Before Rixende could reply, a Dornier Do 17 flew over and dropped three hundred pounds of used tea leaves on Buckingham Palace - (their name for Mrs McMussons tea rooms cum welding shop). It was piloted by an infinite number of monkeys using an infinite number of typewriters to ghostwrite Hamlet for Shakespeare. Mrs McMusson was having none of this and demanded a deposit before she plated up the cream teas - and refused to feed an infinite number of monkeys - whatever John Prescott said.
Naturally, John Prescott was up in arms over the situation. In fact he was so cross, he thumped the table and shouted "Mandy, Mandy, Mandy - it's all your fault." With this last expletive he went purple in the face and collapsed into a steaming bowl of egg-drop soup. "Somebody save him!" shouted Mrs McMussons. This was never going to be a good idea, due to unforeseen circumstances, which shall be discussed later.
Meanwhile, Police constable Eric McNulty seeing the extraordinary events from his passing car, pulled over to investigate. The car exploded.
"Bugger!", exclaimed Eric, "I only got this kilt cleaned yesterday!"
Then the universe imploded.
However, the universe had not anticipated what horrible ends the tiny planet of Earth had come to in recent times; it tasted like a combination of concrete and metal (the universe particularly disliked metal), and the overpowering assault on the senses made it shudder and de-plode almost as fast as it had imploded to begin with.
Although the implosion and deplosion happened too fast to be perceived by the inhabitants of planet Earth, they did suddenly find themselves seven feet east of where they thought they ought to be.
Although this was not not much of a problem for most people Kyra Phillips was then visiting her sister in-law and at the moment before the implosion standing on the end of Clevedon pier.
After this horrible implosion, thousands of shards of the Wikistory clumped together and formed dark matter. The mystery was pulling Henry in, spinning him round faster than it seemed possible, but the visible pieces just didn't add up.
Most palms are distinguished by their large, compound, evergreen leaves arranged at the top of an unbranched stem. Henry's palms were distinguished by sweat, sticky blue residue, and a few drops of milk.
Pluto awakened. "Sorry, mate, I thought I heard something about 'dandy lines of math'."
"No, I said Mandy lies in death..." said Eric.
"That would explain it" said constable McNulty, who was still nearby "...and because you, Mr Mandelson are a force of darkness might also explain why my discreet Police Stirling engine which I had carefully placed on the back of your neck is not moving!"
"Yes, I am the ultimate source of Zero Point Energy" said Mandy, "and you will never catch me pig!" With that, a strange, lingering puff of white smoke suddenly appeared, along with a weird popping noise and suddenly there was silence - and no Mandy!
Then a nearby TV sputtered into life and Fiona Bruce announced that Kyra Phillips had been found drowned off Clevedon Pier - she was found naked apart from a Northampton Saints rugby shirt and was bizarely holding a china mug printed with a picture of John Prescott. The mug was unbroken due to the it and the body being found on a huge pile of used tea leaves that had previously been dumped off the end of Clevedon Pier.
As always, the ever vigilent constable McNulty was soon on the case - fearing it might be another case of the famous "Clevedon Tea Bag" gang, he telephoned his colleague Warwick Alabaster in the serious tea-crime group at Scotland Yard. Inspector Alabaster arrived and setup interviews with the members of the infamous "Clevedon Tea Bag" gang, John Prescott, Hazel Blears, and Charles Clarke.
Meanwhile 250 miles north, after making sure that there was no blue Jelly on him, Henry sat eating a tea cake with a lovely cup of Assam tea in Mrs Doobrie's tea shop - before him lay his diary. So far the entry for thursday read : Pluto and Gloria still having problems with their relationship, vicar biro tattoo clue points to Arisaig, blue jelly sellotaped to cottages, Kyra Phillips killed by "Clevedon Tea Bag" gang (most of the the UK Cabinet?) .. Quite a quiet day for a Thurday Henry thought.
There must be a common theme - it is just all too random to actually be random he thought - and then smiled quietly to himself, as a glimmer of a pattern began to emerge. He took a long breath, threw the remains of his tea cake into his jacket pocket, and headed to the bluest, wobbliest place he could think of: the North Sea, nature's equivalent of blue jelly - he'd have to cross it anyway to get to Oslo. On second thoughts, he took the easier route and sent a return ferry ticket to Oslo so it could come to him.
On the ferry an unusually charming Nowergian going by the name of Sven siddled up to him at the bar and in a stage whisper said, "I hear that Rome is very pretty at this time of year". Henry replied "..and the fountains are particularly mellifluous this month". With that Sven slipped a small package in a Jiffy bag into his pocket and walked off whistling "Scotland the brave" two tones flat. Henry thought, two tones flat? I that's strange I was expecting him to whistle a semitone flat? It was so strange in fact, that Henry pulled out a rifle and shot Sven in the back. Constable McNulty was about to arrest him but acting on a hunch checked the Jiffy bag in Henry's pocket and the Scotland yard Lab Girls (Super efficient as ever!) confirmed immediately that it contained an extremely powerful mind altering drug that had affected Henry's mind, so McNulty just charged him with carrying a weapon without a licence and let him continue his journey.
Constable McNulty, now under the influence of the extremely powerful mind altering drug, decided he was a sabre-toothed tiger and started devouring a nearby gazelle. How the gazelle got on board a north sea ferry Henry would never know, but now recovered from the drug he continued his journey, as McNulty was taken away whilst David Attenborough haranged him.
Suddenly the intercom crackled into life "This is Olaf, your Captain, we will be entering Olso harbour in about 20 minutes time so please have your passports and other possessions ready for disemarkation. Oh yes, on the port side of the ship on the coast land there - you can just make out the Christian nudist camp which is very famous here."
Unfortunately so many people rushed to the port side, the vessel started to list dramatically. One elderly Swede was so overcome at the sight of the naked Christians on the shore that she claimed to have a vision of a naked Angel. "Angel, schmangel", said a particularly brash American who happened to be standing nearby. "That's no Angel - its my sister Elspeth! and she's meant to be a nun!"" "Well, I've seen none better than that!" said a nearby lecher who was disguised as a Pōhutukawa.
"Wow!", drooled the elderly Swede, "She can give me communion any time..."
Suddenly, the sky darkened and it turned deathly cold - everyone began to shiver and then from behind a tree emerged a figure dressed in black and carrying a scythe."lol"! explained the figure moving into the light, revealing a pimply faced 14 year old. "Don't be afraid" he lisped, "I am The Star Wars Kid."" The ferry-folk sighed with relief and, emboldened by the revelation that this dark figure was in fact not Bengt Ekerot, approached the Star Wars Kid cautiously, only to turn and flee when he began awkwardly disemboweling an embarrassingly large number of them with his golf ball retriever/scythe.
Just when all looked lost, the Star Wars Kid's light sabre broke into a thousand pieces - and a strange and haunting gurgling noise started to come from the Kid's throat. As a Like-Like crawled out of his mouth, he fell to the ground, dead.
From the back of the crowd, a lone voice shouted, "Let me through, my name is Poirot - Hercule Poirot." and an impressively moustached and rotund Belgian emerged carrying a slightly soiled umbrella. "But you're not Poirot - you can't be - he's dead." shouted a disturbed and slightly soiled catamite who had just arrived, looking rather flustered.
"Of course he's not," yelled another man in the crowd, "He's Bertie Wooster - I'd recognise that cravat anywhere". But before they could, a female vampire pwned Poirot and pwned Bertie in the balls, missing his jugular, but getting a mouthful of testicles. Gasping for air, Wooster stood up and promptly fell over again. "Anna" he cried before passing out. However, a shitty F-4 phantom crashed on everybody and killed them. "Oops," the pilot said.
The ambulance arrived quickly at the scene with blues and twos blarring. "WTF", asked the medic. Why was he flying this outdated F-15 when he should have been flying an F-22 Raptor? The answer was that his newly ordered and especially converted ambulance bi-plane a de Havilland Tiger Moth had not arrived from Biggin Hill. But then that frigging nerd from that damn show had to stink up everything and tried to hijack someone's laptop.
Amidst the Grey's-esque ferry boat chaos, Henry was torn between two equally distasteful courses of action. He could either marry the apple of his mother's eye, - the vile Edith Crouton, whose moustache was finer than his own, or instead renounce his inheritance and the title of the Lordship of Wobb - which would it be? He finally made a decision of choosing to, instead, choose his own right hand, which, in the past, had never failed him. He took off his soft kid glove to look at his favourite hand - but to his obvious horror he saw that it had become effeminate and all the hair had disappeared! At least he didn't have leprosy.
Little did Henry know that beneath him, a scant 30 microns away, A Square was checking off "Give Him Girl-Hands" on his list ("300 Things to Do To Henry for Showing Me The Truth") and cackling to himself; there was still so much to do to poor Henry. Before any of this could be put into place, Henry remembered an old saying of his Grandma Sarah: "Chicken is not the answer to your problems, so stop eating it, NOW!" At which point Grandpa Jo would whistle Summer time and slip out the back for a smoke. This is when Happy Bunny, attracted by the sound of whistling, assaulted Grandpa Jo and bit the tip of his nose off. Luckily fat-boy Parsons next door had some superglue - which was used medically and seemed to do the trick in returning the nasal extract to its proper place. "My nasal demons are at peace now, Grandpa," said Fat-Boy in a slightly nasal voice. Fat-Boy then walked over to a nearby wedding ceremony and brought his dear old Grandpa with him.
Prince Charles and Lindsay Lohan were getting married at the small nearby Tesco Express store during that World Refugee Day, when a large Boeing Airbus A380 and a Hurricane fighter clashed and exploded in the picturesque sky above. "Oh great," said Lindsay, "I thought I had just gotten out of rehab, and now this happens!"
Since the ferry (or what was left of it) had finally arrived in Oslo, Henry decided to push on with his mission to find the next piece of the puzzle. After hearing about the nearby inexplicable Slartibartfast glacier from the rather depressed, oddly mechanical looking cabby, he figured it was certainly worth a look-see, if only to get away from the cabby. In order to try and distract the cabbie, while he planned to take-off, he shouted, "Oh my god - a naked balloonist - there - in that bush". The cabby replied "Yes "I've seen it, It's rubbish." and drove off. Henry looked over his shoulder to make sure that the cabby was indeed not planning to return, breathed a sigh of relief, and continued on his way.
Henry wanted to get to the Akershus Fortress, but didn't know which way to go and only had 13 Euros left - what to do? He decided to phone his friend Anthrcer, who didn't know the first think about Norway, but he had a relaxing voice. He couldn't get through so he phoned Draicone or whatever his name is. This surprised Draicone or whatever his name is, as he didn't have a phone. After speaking to Draicone or whatever his name is, Anthrcer still didn't have a clear idea of which way to go but decided to wing it.
Lynne Truss was appalled by the quality of the punctuation in the previous sentence, and travelled to the Wikipedia headquarters to set things straight. She climbed into her car and drove off, but before she had even gone two miles, a porky man in a wrinkly blue suit yelled at her to stop her car. "Get behind me wench" he yelled, as a curious yellow dribble ran from his mouth and down his MCC tie. Meanwhile, in the Wikipedia headquarters, Oddmartian was learning how to play a new game. He seemed to be enjoying his new game, which was called Wikiladders, and he didn't realise that the reason his computer was working so slowly was that several thousand other users were also playing wikiladders. "Darn it," he said, "I should be playing Wikipoem instead." Anthrcer suspected that people were trying to advertise their Wikipedia pages, and suggested they go to User:Anthrcer for some reason or another. Wikipoem is the best game ever. Anthrcer agrees with whoever posted that, but thinks we should get back to actually telling a story. Oddmartian says that's a good idea. Bob the Llama dances and refuses to stop until the story continues. A green bunny appeared and hit Henry over the head with a DVD of 8 Simple Rules. Henry says, "Why would you do that?" The Green bunny replied "Because I am a death eater acting upon orders of Lord Voldemort". Amidst the chaos caused by the horrible dancing of Bob the Llama, the heated discussion between Oddmartian and Anthrcer, and the scuffle between the green bunny and Mad-Eye Moody, Lynne Truss finally made it to the Wikipedia headquarters, marched through the front door, and demanded that the story be continued from the point at which Henry was attempting to travel to the Akershus Fortress. Her request was rudely refused. As she walked out the door, she was shot with a taser and collapsed, screaming. Then, to add insult to injury, Bob the Llama smashed ten cherry pies in her face, one by one.
"Enough, enough, enough" shouted Lord Alanbrooke from his bath, "We must get back to the story and desist from needless meanderings." Bob the llama replied by smashing 6,000,000 fried ducklings and 1,345,858 Tickle Me Elmo dolls at Lord Alanbrooke while singing"Needless meanderings are my heroes, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!"
Stunned Henry noticed that one of the Tickle Me Elmo dolls contained a rolled up document "Velella : by-the-wind sailors and the Cult of Cthulhu" which explains that they are servants of the deep ones who dwell in Y'ha-nthlei and how they can be stuck to door frames to protect from attacks by Deep Ones.
"This is it", said Henry "My clue to getting on with this wretched story. What I need is expert help - from Thomson and Thompson." Suddenly, one of the Tickle Me Elmo dolls came to life! It started barking like a dog singing opera, and singing "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie drove my Chevy to the levee but the levy was dry" before finally spontaneously combusting into flames. Henry was so busy staring confusedly at the ashes of the 572,119th Tickle Me Elmo doll that he did not notice that the room was going up in flames. "Poatface!" yelled Poaters, a 6,000 pound 3-year-old who appeared out of nowhere. Then, Poatface started singing a hideous song about a llama who got high off of bad eggs, before he finally plopped to the ground, died, and combusted into flames himself, therefore causing the room to explode and killing everyone in it!
Henry now knew that these interuptions were mere chimeras; ignoring them he got out his mobile phone and dialled Thomson and Thompson. All of a sudden, the cell phone came to live, farted, blew up, and blew Henry to smitherines. Luckily this was just a hallucination caused by the fumes coming from the burning Tickle Me Elmo dolls, and Henry simply left by the door, which cleared his head, and saw Thomson and Thompson just arriving.
"Ah chaps" he said, "Glad to see you - can you give me a bearing for Seil Island? - I need to get there by dusk." However, it turns out that Thompson and Thompson were really suicide bombers who promptly detonated their bombs, killing Henry, and this time, it wasn't a hallucination, but a hoax by the Thompson Twins, who were well known for their practical jokes, and so Henry asked them about the mystery. Thompson and Thompson replied that it was a conspiracy organized by a gang of evil sock monkeys, and the only way to solve it would be to destroy the evil sock monkeys' headquarters in Hell, Michigan. Just then a Hell's Angel pulled up on his Harley wearing a "Hell, MI" T-Shirt and said "Hop on, I'll give you a lift". Since Oddmartian lived in Michigan, he questioned whether such a place existed.
Bravely ignoring the recent egregious nonsense, Henry pulled his compass from his briefcase and took a bearing - 340 degrees; the light was starting to fail and he knew he must push on. All of a sudden, Bob the llama appeared and stated that the next day, he was getting married to Lucy the Llama and wanted to invite (or rather, force) Henry to come. When Henry bravely refused, Bob the Llama ignored him, tapped out a Morse Code message on his walkie-talkie, and suddenly an SR-71 Blackbird with a giant magnet attached to its underside lifted Thomson and Thompson into the air by the watches on their wrists! As it turned out, the magnets were operated by Lucy the Llamas sister, Lucretia the Llama, with the sinister plan of abducting them to Lucy's wedding, which she successfully did.
Henry had a plan. He would go to Lucy the Llama and Bob the Llama's wedding, and then continue on his journey. On the way to Seil, he stopped in at a Tesco Express and bought as a wedding present, a bottle of Talisker whisky. He then proceeded to the wedding, where he watched Lucy, the only pink llama known to exist, and Bob, who was presently running for President of Llamaland, get married in a fantastic ceremony, capped off by a chorus of llamas singing "God bless the Bride and Groom".
Bored of gratuitous Llamas, he left early and went to the pub and did the crossword; 3 down "The village where Derek Nimmo is buried 6-6."", Mmm mused Henry. Ah! Easton Maudit of course, but now I've fishished that off to Clevedon. His mind wandered back to Clevedon - the summer of 1976 and the luschious Petra Arzberger - now there was a girl.... His girlfriend in fact, a very beautiful girl named Oscarlinda Ropinda Noninda Corina Mutumba Marissa Clarisa XI, who he loved very much, but knew nothing about her whereabouts at the time, so he decided to look for her. Petra that is - he Googled her name to see what would come up - what is she doing now he thought? But all he could find was a Christian rock band - and that didn't fit his memory of her at all. However, then his computer suddenly came to live, and transformed into Oscarlinda Ropinda Noninda Corina Mutumba marissa Clarissa XI, who promptly hugged and kissed him.
Now that was more like the Petra he remembered - curvaceous, with a lovely lisping German accent - Mmmmm; suddenly re was brought out of his reverie by a low flying overhead Spitfire. That circled round landed in the field in front of him revealing Constable McNulty who said "Hop in, I'm going to Clevedon", so Henry got in and enjoyed a pleasant (if terrifying) flight to Clevedon, where Henry thanked the constable and got out. However, as luck would have it, Bob and Lucy the Llama's flight from Llamaland to Bermuda for their honeymoon had made a stopover in Clevedon, and then the second leg was cancelled due to hurricanes in Bermuda, so as soon as Henry got off the plane, he saw Bob and Lucy who were furious that he missed the end of their wedding.
"Don't worry about finding yourself here in Clevedon - there's lots to do - let's go down the pier!" Squeeked Henry with excitement. So, Lucy and Bob the Llama went with Henry to the pier while they waited for notice that their flight was schedueled, whenever that would be, fortuantely they had Orbitz, so their cell phones would be notified.
While waiting, they encountered Angry Bob, and just like like Kyra Phillips he killed them both an threw them off the pier thus revealing he was a member of the "Clevedon Tea Bag" gang, Henry luckily was buying an Ice cream while this happened and was spared the sight of Lucy in a Northampton Saints rugby shirt. Henry tripped and fell into the Rift. Then, Bob and Lucy returned to life- although returned isn't the right word seeing as they are immortal, but then Connor MacLeod appeared shouted "There can be only one" and beheaded both Bob and Lucy, and rescued Henry from the rift. But alas, the beheading did not work, as Bob and Lucy were still immortal, and as a result, still had their heads.
Then the universe ended..... But alas, it was recreated by the Evil Sock Monkeys such that the devil was made out of socks and said sock monkeys ruled the world in a completely evil way, stealing socks and causing terror.
Henry's taxi arrived at six and quickly sped him away from Clevedon - he was headed for Bristol - and in particular Clifton College : he needed a games of Fives and this was the place to get it. However, his car was quickly eaten by a herd of the evil sock monkeys/.
Henry ignored User:Smartyshoe's lack of imagination and pushed on for Clifton; his heart raced as he drove up College Road, knowing that the fabled Fives court lay just around the corner in Guthrie Road - he was nearly there! All of a sudden, smartyshoe appeared and killed Henry as punishment for claiming he had no imagination, but since Henry was a fictional character he ignored SmartyShoe and continued on to the Fives court.
Ah that smell! - it brought it all back - mammoth sessions thrashing the old adversaries from Rugby and Winchester - the old rogues; he was here now - and keen to get onto the Court. He changed into his kit and pulled on his old worn Fives gloves - he was ready. All of a sudden, a magic mage appeared and teleported Henry to Texas where he was forced to watch the iRack video 10,000,000,000,000 times, but it was just another hallucination, he hoped the effects of the Blue jelly would wear off soon as these visions were becoming annoying, he shook his head and carried on towards the Fives court.
Under those familiar and worn doors, a warm light glinted; out of habit he knocked and went in. All of a sudden, a 152 year-old lady said "Young whippersnapper, get off me lawn or I'll, I forget what I'll do, but when I remember it, I'll do it, and then you won't be, what were we talking about", before the old woman shriveled like a wrinkled prune and collapsed dead, causing the police to come and arrest Henry for murdering her, although he was innocent. Yes these hallucinations were becoming annoying, Henry thought as entered the Fives court and saw his old friend PC Eric McNulty who said "You up for a game then Henry?"
"Certainly am, me old mucker" he said, as he served a low forehand to Eric's blindspot - a result of an accident at work whilst arresting a doggger on Clifton down. Then, Henry started having a hallucination that he was being attacked by Baby Bop's blanket and was so scared that he had a heart attack; McNulty had been expecting a diversionary tactic of this sort, and revived him with a kick to the head, "Good try Henners - but you'll have to do better than that - my serve I think." Obviously PC McNulty was suffering the hallucinations as well from his earlier contact with the blue jelly, as in reality Henry had won the rally easily. Then, Henry started to imitate John McEnroe by yelling and screaming, but then had another hallucination that McNulty had a heart attack, so he ran over and gave McNulty the Heimlich.
This did the trick and they were back in battle; just then the door opened and Walter Greenford - their old games master entered - he was older and fatter - but still the same old Greeners, as they had called him. All of a sudden, Henry had a hallucination that greeners had turned into an elk, and as it was hunting season, he shot him with a rifle killing him, this too was of course a hallucination as greeners had retired years before, the score in this in reality uneventful game was now five four to Henry. Then, a fish came and started singing a song about how Henry was an evil terrorist suicide bomber. Yes definately still hallucinating thought Henry as he returned McNultys serve. As he was thinking, a strange gurgling noise came from below the manhole below him, but he ignored this obvious auditory hallucination and won the next point.
He served from the back-hand a dazzler of a shot, McNulty hadn't a chance - he had won - yes won; they showered and adjourned to The Mall pub in Clifton village - it was going to be a good night! He danced. Then, while he was dancing, a gigantic herd of llamas came and swallowed Henry alive, then promptly regurgitated him, ate him, and regurgitated him; this process continued for 50 days. Obviously alcohol aggravated the blue jelly hallucinations, which probably explained the presence of Liz Hurley in the pub.
Liz was a regular visitor to Clifton and particularly Clifton College, where she had taken a shine to the school's Marshal. However, she returned to the College to find that the Marshal had been abducted by aliens! This was name given to a renegade pack of feral third formers, led by Stumpy Jock McGuire of the remove. Turning round, she became aware of a horde of angry KGB agents who were following her. The hallucinations were getting very involved now thought Henry, well back to the case, so he and McNulty finished their pints, and having found little in Oslo on Friday (as per the list), went off to the Royal Albert Hall it now being Saturday.
Inside, it was dark, but the haunting sound of Allegri's Miserere was coming from the orchestra pit; on stage the rotund figure of Johnny Vegas, in a penguin suit was skillfully waving a conductor's baton - "Weird" thought Henry. This was followed by a rousing rendition of Cage's 4'33" played so loud it hurt Sgt McNulty's ears. Seeing his reaction to Cage's piece, Henry snidely remarked about how weak McNulty's ears must be, upon which McNulty turned around and shouted, "Do you want my help in this mystery or not?"
"Sorry",said Henry, "I'd quite forgotten about your hearing problem; let's get on with this damn mystery shall we?" and passed McNulty his hip flask, containing an 18 year old Talisker whisky. The whisky spilled on the Monopoly game, ruining the Free Parking money. "Strange what's a game of Monopoly doing here, whoever is playing the car is doing well they own all of the most expensive properties and have hotels on them?" commented Henry. From a dark corner a voice said, "It's my game - I am playing Gatling-Thomas in a needle match", then stepping into the light was the unmistakable shape of Reggie Odour-Green, He then screamed, "you ruined it!" backwards, while hopping on one foot.
"It's not ruined old bean", said McNulty "It'll soon dry on this - my portable monopoly money drier." as he pulled a curious item from his left pocket. Suddenly a gigantic monster from the pit of hell came and ate him and everyone else died as well; then he attacked the city streets of New York City, where it killed 300000000000 people, and so hilarity did not ensue that day, as so many people died; shortly afterwards the monster went to China and killed everyone there with nothing more than a Chinese toothbrush from the pit of an old shed in Shanghai, so everyone in China fell to their knees, dead; then the next day a flutter of wings came to fight the monster, but it was no match, and then McNulty's grave shook, as well as Henry's, but no one else, and then the aliens that abducted the Marshal came, but then the UFO was crushed by the monster's fingers. Then, the universe was destroyed in a catastrophic fashion. Fortunately, according to the Many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, none of this actually occured within the current universe, and any further strange happenings will be regarded as hallucinations (due to that jelly) or occuring within alternate histories of the universe. Actually, they won't, because I, the narrator dude, just lied to you by saying they would. Unless, of course, such narrators suffer from from Dissociative identity disorder which invariably cause multiple personalities/story tellers to emerge, which indeed is the case. Speaking of the narrator dude, he was just killed by a suicide bomber named Hiram, which means either the story must end, or we must find a new narrator, preferably one who isn't a target of terrorists. Suddenly, a game of Monopoly appeared.
Henry emerged, shivering in fear, from his most serious hallucination yet and heard McNulty's voice in his ear shouting, "Can you get off the Monopoly board already? I'm trying to dry the money!" Henry said "Okay" and played Monopoly with his imaginary friend, who oddly McNulty could see as well? Then, President Bush came and started singing The Llama Song at hyperspeed while dancing the macarena and eating dipsy doodles dipped in goat milk.
In the darkness Henry heard an alarm clock go off - he woke suddenly to find he'd just had another horrid dream - "I must give up the sherbert" he said to himself - outside a grim January morning was dawning - as he looked out of the third floor window he found that he was back in his old boarding house at Clifton - and he was 13 again - what was happening to him? But before he had much time to ponder, he was assasinated by a tickle-me-elmo doll from the planet Zoggoldy-zoo. Then Henry woke up and was back in the Royal Albert Hall with McNulty, yes the hallucination were getting worse. Then, Prince Albert came and started to molest Henry with a long, pointy, llama ear.
Luckily "Prince Albert" was Henry's pet name for Paula Wilcox - and he didn't mind being molested by her at all - or so he thought - but as the fog lifted - it was clear that it wasn't Paula at all, but rather a fat girl in a Johnny Vegas mask - aaaaaargh! Her mask turned into a Monopoly $5 bill, and she tried to buy something from a dollar store with it. Of course, her attempts were futile since dollar stores only admit people well-versed in Vedic poetry (or Tantric in a pinch).
Bravely ignoring his ongoing hallucinations, Henry got out his compass and set off on a bearing of NNW - he was sure he was going in the right direction this time , away from this awful place and his demons. However, he started having what he thought was a hallucination that he was being attacked by Vikings from Greenland, but then realized it was really happening - but only on his Ipod in a movie entitled "Sven the swinging Viking" - irritated by the distraction he turned the wretched thing off and re-lit his pipe. "Come on, let's play Monopoly" said the pipe. henry agreed, but the pipe stole all the Monopoly money and threw it off the ship, along with the board and the shoe-shaped piece, then hypnotized Henry to jump off the boat to get it, which he did.
Meanwhile in Grendon, Henry's sister Isabelle sat having tea with the vicar - she wanted to know what he thought of the mind-body split and particlarly Cartesian dualism - she was an earnest girl! However, instead of replying, the vicar chopped her up into bite sized pieces, which he then proceeded to deep-fry and eat. Meanwile, the Diet building was being engulfed with jelly. He had just finished his improptu snack, when suddenly the Bishop of Southwark appeared from the bushes, shouting "It's what I do". However, the circumstances of shouting "It's what I do" was astronomically small, the odds of his life were even more ridicuolous as the characters from the wizard of oz fell out of the sky and crashed into the current place they were in, but they were made out of cheese. Then, Michael Jackson appeared saying "I like to molest little boys like Henry", and then proceded to molest every boy in Britain.
The Bishop ignored this silliness and straightened his crozier - "Now, where am I?" he said and fell over again. "You are in the world of people who seem to have no time on their hands and type a lot of random sentences after each other in a futile attempt to make a collaborative story."
"Alas" he sighed, "that is true, for too long now, my feeble story has been blighted by User:Smartyllama - but I am stronger than this - I know that this can be a nice sweet story." All of a sudden, however, having heard his name, smartyllama appeared with a machine gun and blew the Bishop to bits, then blamed it on Henry, who was promptly arrested by the Bishop's guards. Upon hearing the Bishop's words, however, Henry became horrified - was every attribute of his life really being controlled by some madman sitting at a computer with too much time on his hands?
Clearly this was the case - but what was to be done? He had somehow to rehabilitate smartyllama and bring him onside. So, poor Henry attemted to brainwash smartyllama, but was promptly arreseted again for mind control. He was going to have to be more subtle - luckily he had anticipated this, and had a Plan B. He would commit suicide, become reincarnated as a giant bear, and then eat smartyllama, before comitting suicide again and becoming human. It was a tedious process, but in the end, the lord would be pleased.
He would begin the process in the small village of Farndish, the spiritual home of his great mentor Widmerpool. So, he comitted suicide, but alas, was reincarnated as a fish, not a bear. Widmerpool, who was having tea with my uncle Giles at the time would have none of this effete nonsense and told me to pull myself together and act like an Englishman. Then, a giant alien llama came and destroyed the entire earth except for Cuba with a laser beam.
It was clear to them both that smartyllama was by now becoming both unhinged and rather repetitive - "Smartyllama has Wikipedia's dull-edit syndrome" Said Uncle Giles, "But I know what can cure both it and him". "A nice long trip to the Bahamas, and Jamaica, while I go to Siberia wearing only a T-shirt and shorts, and freeze to death." In his parlance, this was code for a swift half (or two) down at the Flying Goat public house. And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks. How Hedley Hopkins Did a Dare, robbed a grave, made a new friend who might not have really been there at all, and while he was at it committed a terrible sin which everyone was doing even though he didn't know it. Uncle Giles then took out a portable television set and started watching Doctor Who. But the television exploded, and created such a disaster that it upset the space-time continuum, and causing the universe to revert to before the big bang. Uncle Giles was then in alternate universe and strangley, the TV was back.
Henry sat rubbing his hurty head - and as he did so he looked at the tv set - on it, in black and white, was an early edition of Len and the River Mob - something he hadn't seen since he was at school in 1968. He then had a flashback to that time involving murder, bullies, lions and cheese. It was funny. Shortly after, a rather ponderous police officer wobbled up and attempted to arrest him for exiling people in alternate universes, but Henry escaped by tossing the TV at him and dashing off with the help of a hotwired Segway.
Free at last, Henry hit the open road - but where to go? Street?, Cogenhoe? - he decided to stick a pin in his road map.
Henry then decided to go to a music store and steal stuff from it - guitars, to be exact. He fantasised for a moment - a Gibson Les Paul or a Fender - what'd it be? He waited until the shop keeper bent over to pick up a guitar amplifier then noticed that Les Paul had a rather attractive looking G-string. That was it - he'd play Bass! But to become the ultimate Bass player hewould have to kill all other Bass players.
Just at that moment the BBC's hottie Janine Machin entered the store, whistling "British Tourist" by Mr John Dowie. He murder her for no reason with a huge gun that shot smaller guns that shot laser swords and it was all on fire but it was cold fire. Sadly, cold fire is like diving into a pool of liquid nitrogen, so John had to run! But, he failed to run in time, and drowned in the cold fire, while singing Waltzing Matilda. The sound waves came to life in the form of a weird John Dowie/Janine Machin hybrid while Henry (don't think we forgot him!) watched in awe, and the hybrid then corrupted Jimbo's userpage with extreme vandalism ON WHEELS, and finally there was a huge edit war with the great almighty one, so the sound waves sucked the air out of the room, trapped forever, to die when the room was opened and they faded...Awwww. All of a sudden, a laptop computer appeared and started playing a Youtube video about Wikipedia and a troll who posted a message saying "ROFL ROFL I AM A STUPID troll" and was tolled "you bet Djibouti that that's true" at which point the troll decided to pass out from reading such a long run-on sentence as this. Henry wiped a magnet over the Laptop causing it to spurt out, "THE GOOD VICAR WILL DIE. HE EXCOMMUNICATED MY WIFE. YOU CAN FIND HIS KILLER AT ^^^&&(&^&%%%%I-FAILURE." Henry had only a matter of time to find the killer, so time to get going to the deciphering institute in Zimbabwe.
The plane was late and only arrived at the Institute's secret airfield at La Gomba at midnight. Sadly he was going to have to walk the 5-mile institute just to get to decipering room, humming Youtube Killed The TV Star. As he walked, he made a mental list of all the songs by The Buggles that he could remember.
