Wikipedia:WikiProject Films/Peer review/Transformers (film)

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[edit] Transformers (film)

It's awesome that this article is GA before it's even out in the UK and I can see it. Any suggestions for this recent film? Copyedits? Clarifications? Alientraveller 20:07, 11 July 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Comments by LordHarris

  • Good work and ive got just a few points. Firstly in the lead, Cullen voiced Optimus in the 1980s cartoon, and returned by fan demand. I think this needs a reference to support. I assume its: Todd Gilchrist. "Exclusive: Peter Cullen Interview", IGN, 2007-06-08, the same reference for him slipping on an old pair of shoes but I think you should cite the fan demand.
  • The following sentance seems a bit disjointed: To save money, Michael Bay cut his fee by 30%, chose to shoot in the United States with a crew he was familiar with,[46] doing more camera set-ups per day than usual[3] for an eighty-three day shooting schedule.[32] Couldnt this be two sentances? Starting a new sentance after the 46 reference. So for example To save money, Michael Bay cut his fee by 30% and chose to shoot in the United States with a crew he was familiar with. During the shoot he did more camera set-ups per day, than usual[3], for an eighty-three day shooting schedule.[32]
  • Again with the following sentance: He practically made the film in computer animatics as a close guide for the five editors during the speedy shoot What do you mean by practically, either he made all of it or part of it? LordHarris 12:09, 13 July 2007 (UTC)
Last two points are fixed. Alientraveller 20:25, 15 July 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Comments by Erik

The content looks great to me. I spy mostly copy-editing issues that need to be fixed.

  • "Transformers is a 2007 live action film based on the Transformers franchise, directed by Michael Bay and executive produced by Steven Spielberg." Re-word so it doesn't sound like that Bay and Spielberg weren't responsible for the franchise, but for the film.
  • "It stars Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky..." The film or the franchise? (Probably both, but in this case, "film" should be mentioned.)
  • "...map to the Allspark, the center of the war between the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons." This makes Allspark sound like a place where the war takes place. Can some more detail be provided to indicate that it's an object?
  • "Though not a fan, Bay was convinced by Spielberg to direct..." Specify what Bay wasn't a fan of, even though it may seem obvious to us. It may not be familiar to new readers.
  • "Bay had support from General Motors and the United States military during filming, keeping the budget under $150 million." Re-word to have an action verb, such as, "General Motors and the United States military lent their support to Bay during filming..." (The action verb would be lent; it's a technique of writing to keep the reader engaged.)
  • Under Cast's Shia entry: "...maturing into a soldier." Is this really accurate wording? It could be interpreted as literal, which wasn't the case.
  • "...and has a criminal record as she refused to turn him to the authorities." Put "she" in between "and has", and write "him" as "her father" to make sure "him" is not confused with Sam.
  • "Simmons is leading a team..." rewrite as "Simmons leads a team..." for consistency's sake.
  • "Both she and her husband act as comic relief." This seems unnecessary, considering that a lot of characters were goofy, like Simmons.

I'll need to stop here 'cause I need to go somewhere, but I hope you can get an idea of what similar changes can be made to the article based on my suggestions. —Erik (talk • contrib) - 19:13, 25 July 2007 (UTC)

Cool, done, but I felt the Mikaela description was ok. Alientraveller 20:14, 25 July 2007 (UTC)

More observations:

  • "TV series voice actor Frank Welker auditioned, but was rejected as..." -- rewrite as, "TV series voice actor Frank Welker had auditioned, but he was rejected because..."
  • "Welker voiced Megatron..." → "Instead, Welker voiced Megatron..."
  • "In 2002, Hasbro began developing its properties..." Rewrite to briefly mention that Hasbro is a toy company, as not everyone will know of its background.
  • "...when the U.S. invaded Iraq..." How about mentioning the year of the invasion for the sake of long-term chronology, to compare to the film's production?
  • "Tom DeSanto joined the project as..." Replace as with because.
  • Is Generation 1 supposed to be in italics? The article doesn't seem to indicate that, but it's italicized here.
  • "...deciding to focus on the Creation Matrix." In what way? For the premise of the film?
  • "DeSanto chose a human point-of-view in his treatment to engage the audience,[24] in various storylines resembling a disaster film, as Murphy wanted it to feel realistic.[7]" This is kind of choppy. How about something like, "DeSanto chose a human point-of-view in his treatment to engage the audience.[24] Various storylines were included to resemble a disaster film because Murphy wanted the film to feel realistic.[7]"
  • "After they were rejected..." → "After the producers were rejected..." (Since we started a new paragraph, the subject should be re-identified.)
  • "DeSanto met with Mike DeLuca" → "DeSanto met with producer Mike DeLuca" -- identify new figures briefly if possible to an unfamiliar reader. Spielberg should be fine, though, as he has a lot of positions and his direct role is identified as an executive producer in the next sentence.
  • "...had the Ark spaceship." Replace had with an action verb, such as included or featured.
  • "Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman" → "Screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman"
  • "...were hired in February to start over." Write to be more clear, such as to start a new script.
  • "Spielberg pitched it to them as about 'a boy and his car'..." → "Spielberg suggested to the writers an approach about 'a boy and his car'..." Just to clarify the "it" and "them"
  • "Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee and Starscream were included in all their scripts,[29] but Sam and Mikaela were the focus of the first draft,[33] and the Transformers had no dialogue." This is a run-on sentence, there's two separations -- "and" and "but". Try to break it down into several sentences.
  • "...the writers felt that even if it could look ridiculous..." → "the writers felt that even if the Transformers speaking could look ridiculous..." Identify the "it" since it's a bit far from the "dialogue" mention now.
  • "...made him curious, and visiting Hasbro made him gain a new respect..." → "...made Bay curious, and upon visiting Hasbro, the director gained a new respect..." Just more subject identification.
  • "Bay also wanted it to feel..." → "Bay also wanted the film to feel..."
  • "...naturally, and make..." Remove the comma.
  • "Orci cut the Ark..." → "Orci removed the Ark from the script..."
  • "...to travel',[37] and Arcee..." End sentence after "travel", start new with Arcee. Also suggest identifying Arcee, like "The female Transformer Arcee..."
  • "...with the soldiers based on G.I. Joe." → "based the soldiers on G.I. Joe." (action verb)
  • "...the Autobot Prowl..." Maybe a brief identification of Prowl, such as "...the law enforcement-based Autobot Prowl..."?
  • "Designs began in June 2005..." What designs? Mention that it's of the Transformers, since a lot of components can be designed in a film -- storyboards, costume, et cetera.
  • "...three-dimensional,[35] as well as reflect their alien origins." → "three-dimensional[35] and to reflect their alien origins."
  • "...stays the same size, which explains their choice..." Write stayed and explained, since we're writing from out-of-universe here.
  • "...truck form was rejected as it would..." → "...truck form was rejected because it would..."
  • "Don Murphy wanted to retain Bumblebee's Volkswagen Beetle form,[44] but Bay rejected it to avoid comparisons with Herbie the Love Bug,[45] and chose the Chevrolet Camaro instead, which he described as having a friendly quality.[6]" Another run-on sentence with "but" and "and". Try to break into two sentences.
  • "Bumblebee is a 1977 Yellow Chevy Camaro..." Should be past tense since it's OOU, and say "was based on", perhaps.
  • You mention "morphing" twice in Design, I noticed, and you might want to briefly explain that to readers unfamiliar with how Transformers morphed in the cartoons.
  • "The official names were confirmed in August 2006,[40] although Bay himself was not fully aware of these official names,[46] and this led to Brawl being referred to as Devastator, his on-set name.[49]" While this isn't a run-on sentence, it's a bit long and could be broken into two.
  • "During post-production, fans expressed concern over Megatron's head design, so a last-minute tweak was done to satisfy them." Can it be specified what the issue with the head design was, and how it was fixed?
  • "...cut his fee by 30%" How about directing salary?
  • "...with a crew he was familiar with..." Redundant "with". Try, "...with a familiar crew..."
  • "...at that time." → "...at the time."
  • "Such co-operation..." → "The cooperation..." (Is co-operation UK spelling? It's cooperation in the US.)
  • "A pre-shoot took place on April 19, 2006, before principal photography began on April 22..." → "A pre-shoot took place on April 19, 2006, and principal photography began on April 22..." Using "before" seems unnecessary, it's a pre-shoot.
  • "...making them the first film crew to shoot there since 9/11." → "...making the film crew the first to shoot there since 9/11." Just shuffle the words to avoid "them" before you actually identify who.
  • "...it finally finished..." → "...it concluded..." Using "finally" makes it sound like they had issues staying on schedule or something.
  • "...with Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg conceived..." → "...and Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg provided..."
  • "Three versions of each car were created by General Motors..." Just to clarify, are we talking about all the Transformers vehicles, all the Autobot vehicles, or all the Autobot vehicles classified as a car? It hasn't been said in the article what cars GM provided besides the Pontiac Solistice (The Cast section doesn't really mention which ones are from GM, either).

Man, I'm gonna take a break now... haha. —Erik (talk • contrib) - 19:25, 26 July 2007 (UTC)

The last step is beyond me, I'll let you edit that. So there's a lot of shuffling due to this copyedit, especially since citations don't tell me the whole story. But that's what the DVD's for I guess. Alientraveller 20:04, 26 July 2007 (UTC)