Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Metallica

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[edit] Metallica

Article on the biggest/most influential/successful heavy/thrash metal band ever. Over the past week i have completely re-written the article, which previously looked like this. I hope to take it to FAC in a week or two and hope you will be able to provide useful feedback. It just needs a copyedit by some "fresh eyes", and any information you could think of to be added to the Legacy section would be appreciated. Thanks.

[edit] WesleyDodds
Thank god someone has decided to clean that mess up. Before I start listing a bevy of comments, I urge you to dig through the online archives at time.com and nytimes.com for more resources. Those two sites have proved invaluable to me time and again, but most music editors aren't aware of how extensive those archives are, or that they even exist. Now:
  • Sentences should be shifted around in the lead. List the band members in the first paragraph, or a least the fact that Hetfield and Lars formed the band. Push the Napster controversy farther down. WesleyDodds (talk) 07:01, 7 December 2007 (UTC)
  • It's a definite stretch to list Ozzy as a related act. Trujillo was part of a solo artist's backing band, not the artist himself.
  • You don't need to list the precise release dates for albums. All you really need is the year; at most list the month and year.
  • No need to mention which particular card Burton pulled; just say he lost and had to sleep in the bunk.
  • When you wikilink to the Black Album, link to its proper name (Metallica) not the phrase "self-titled".
  • Clarify that John Marshell stepped in to replace Hetfield on guitar for the rest of the tour. The way it's written it makes it seem that he took over that very show (which actually ended with the band leaving the stage, Guns 'N Roses acting like jerks, and the fans rioting).
  • You don't need to mention the details of the Load album cover.
  • Definitely try to add more about the reaction to the band's change of image and sound when Load came out. My Ian Christe heavy metal book covers this a bit, discussing how long term fans thought they were selling out or "going alternative".
  • Add a little more to the section dealing with Newssted's departure. Move the mention that he joined Voivod into that section and move his comment about the therapy sessions into the St. Anger section. You don't need to mention the hazing again.
  • Legacy section: a lot of nu metal bands have mentioned Metallica as an influence, so look for quotes from them. I'm having trouble thinking of any other bands mentioned by them, but I know Alice in Chains are good friends. Dimebag Darrell probably had a lot to say about Metallica (there's a story I've heard that Pantera dropped their glam direction when Darrell showed Hetfield his home with all his glam metal posters, and Hetfield spit on them.)
  • I'm not sure the Dave Mustaine feud needs its own section. Try and rework that information into the rest of the article.
I think it is notable enough to warrant its own section - the two bands have been bashing each other in interviews their entire career.
  • You're going to definitely need a Musical Style section. This should be pretty easy to write if you have access to enough references (and there are tons). I have several Metallica-centered articles in my Guitar World back issues, but I don't think I'll have time to review them any time soon. Maybe in January I can help you out there.
It looks pretty good so far. Aside form my comments about, watch out for redundant wikilinks and only link full dates. I'l check back later to see how things are going. WesleyDodds (talk) 07:01, 7 December 2007 (UTC)
Thanks for the comments. I'll see what i can do but regarding the Newsted section what sort of information do you want added? M3tal H3ad (talk) 07:29, 7 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] J Milburn

Irritated, as I just lost everything I typed over about three quarters of an hour thanks to my college's dependence on the 'wonderful' Internet Explorer.

In any case, I will attempt to write it out again, but I'll do it in sections this time.

Lead
  • Periodical should be in italics.
  • "Napster became a pay to use service." Perhaps rephrase to "pay-to-use", the sentence threw me at first.
  • "seven Grammy Awards" - Link to Grammy Award?
  • "Mustaine were kicked out of the band" Perhaps "were later kicked"- it gives the impression it was pretty instant.
  • "without the members consent." Apostrophe!

Sorry, that's all I have time for. Internet access is currently limited, and if I am not online before tomorrow evening, I won't be able to review until next weekend. J Milburn (talk) 15:56, 7 December 2007 (UTC)

Ok, managed to find some reliable Internet access, on a computer with Firefox, so I will give a full review now.

Early days
  • "Metallica recorded its first original song titled "Hit the Lights", for the Metal Massacre compilation." This says that the song was the first song called "Hit the Lights", not the first original song. Perhaps "Metallica recorded its first original song, which was named "Hit the Lights", for the Metal Massacre compilation."
  • Image caption- "The band's Power Metal demo would take its name from this card." Demo name should be italicised.
  • "at the Whiskey A Go-Go" What is it? A music festival? A pub?
  • "the year he accepted, only if the band would move to San Francisco" Perhaps "the year he accepted, on the condition that the band would move to San Francisco"
  • "at The Old Waldorf," Again, what is it exactly? Without a link to an article, an explanation is needed.
  • "concert promoter Johnny 'Z' Zazula offered Metallica to play live shows" This doesn't make sense- perhaps "asked Metallica to play live shows" or "offered Metallica live shows"
  • "was at The Stone in" Again, a description of what this actually is.
  • "Burton was released on Megaforce." Do you mean to link to the film? If so, perhaps "was released on the 1982 film Megaforce."
  • "on April 16, 1983 at The Showplace Dover, New Jersey." Again, what's the showplace? Also, it there should be something separating 'Showplace' and 'Dover'- a comma, 'in', or both.
Kill 'Em All and Ride the Lightening
  • "distributors' refusing to release" That apostrophe is misused. It should either be "distributors' refusal to release" or "distributors refusing to release"
  • "and "Blitzkrieg" from the band Blitzkrieg." It doesn't make it clear whether this was a cover- it implies that a song by Blitzkrieg was added to the album, not to mention the fact it links to a song by a KMFDM side-project.
  • "the Seven Dates of Hell tour" What's the consensus on tours? Leave as is, italics, or speech marks?
  • "now considered collector's items." Should be "collectors' items"- the items belong to multiple collectors.
Master of Puppets
  • "Returning to the U.S marked" should be "U.S. marked".
  • "at Castle Donnington in England," If you mean the village, you have misspelled it- but we also have an article Donington Park, which is where the concert will have taken place. Finally, you may want to link to the specific section section.
  • "of All Music Guide consider the album" Needs a comma after 'Guide'.
Death of Cliff Burton
  • "who would sleep on which bunk. Burton won and chose to sleep in Hammett's bunk." The first mention of 'bunk' should have the link, not the second.
  • "Troy Gregory of Prong" - Should link to Prong (band) and Troy Gregory.
...And Justice for All
  • "The Damaged Justice tour followed to promote the album." A reference for that would be nice. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
  • "extensively "remixed" with" Why the speech marks?
  • "The "remix" video was" Same as above.
  • "submitted to MTV" A link to MTV would be good.
  • ""ADD Video," which" What's ADD Video, and should it be in speech marks? Also, even if the speech marks are correct, the comma should be outside of them.
Metallica (The Black Album)
  • The brackets in the title shouldn't be italicised- it should be "''Metallica'' (''The Black Album'')" rather than "''Metallica (The Black Album)''".
  • "was "bubbling like on the Toxic Avenger"." The title is The Toxic Avenger, as opposed to Toxic Avenger, and the film name should be italicised.
  • "three live CD's, three home videos," No need for the apostrophe.
Load, ReLoad, and Garage Inc.
  • "headlining Donington Park"- Links to a DAB page- you want to link to Donington Park.
  • "The short tour was titled 'Escape from The studio Tour 1995'." Why have you put this tour in inverted commas?
  • "of plexiglass, not all fans were happy with the cover" Maybe "of plexiglass, but not all fans were happy with the cover"
  • "called Blood and Semen III." As the name of a piece of artwork, I think that should be italicised.
  • "got their haircut" That should be "got their hair cut" or "got haircuts".
  • "collector's item." Again, should be "collectors' item"
Napster controversy
  • "The lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, no individuals were named." Perhaps "Though the lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, no individuals were named." or "The lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, but no individuals were named."
  • "making it a pay to use program." Again, "pay-to-use" is probably a better phrase.
Newsted's departure and St. Anger
  • St. Anger in the section title should be italicised.
  • "over 1000 hours of footage" For consistency, that should be '1,000'.
  • ""behind his back" but to help him" There should be a comma after the closing of the speech marks.
  • "Following three months of auditions Robert Trujillo formerly of Suicidal Tendencies, and Ozzy Osbourne's band was chosen as the new bassist." The commas are all over the place in this sentence. I would recommend "Following three months of auditions, Robert Trujillo, formerly of Suicidal Tendencies and Ozzy Osbourne's band, was chosen as the new bassist."
  • You link to Pitchfork instead of Pitchfork Media. Also, as a periodical, it should be italicised.
  • "and the song was used as the official theme song for WWE's SummerSlam 2003." I can't remember the name of this mistake, which is bugging me, but despite sharing a name, the song and album are not the same. As such, you should say "and the song "St. Anger" was used as the official theme song for WWE's SummerSlam 2003."
  • "Mudvayne, Deftones, Linkin Park, and Limp Bizkit, and the" Why do you not link to Linkin Park?
Legacy
  • "Machine Head, Bullet for My Valentine, Chimaira, Mastodon, Mendeed, and Trivium" Why are they not all linked to?
  • "Metal Militia: A Tribute to Metallica, A Metal Tribute to Metallica, and Tribute to the Four Horsemen." Check the italics on that phrase.
  • "Beatallica faced legal troubles when the Sony Corporation who own The Beatles Catalogue ordered a" should be "Beatallica faced legal troubles when the Sony Corporation, who own The Beatles' catalogue, ordered a" (changed capitalisation, comma use and apostrophe use)
  • "Metallica appeared on The Simpsons eighteenth season premier The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer on September 10, 2006.[75]" Single line paragraphs are frowned upon. Off the top of my head, I can't think of them appearing in anything else.
Section still needs to be expanded
  • Also, shouldn't there be an apostrophe after 'Simpsons'?
  • The name of the programme should be in italics, while the name of the episode should have speech marks.
  • We have a few articles that could be linked to in this section- A Tribute to Metallica: Metallic Assault and "Say Your Prayers, Little One": The String Quartet Tribute to Metallica came up on a quick search. That said, the first may need deleting, I will take a look at that after I have finished this review.
Dave Mustaine fued
  • "He wishes that Metallica would of helped him with his addictions instead of kick him out." That doesn't make sense. How about "He later said that that he wished Metallica had helped him with his addictions, rather than kicking him out of the band." A reference would be nice, too.
  • "He has a strong disliking to Metallica guitarist Hammett," Again doesn't make sense. How about "He has a strong dislike of Metallica guitarist Hammett,"
  • "Mustaine comments" When? Who to?
  • "Were not enemies and were not friends and I think it is best kept that way. Back in those days we were all drunk and having a good time, but he took it too far. He was a real excessive person who had to take everything too far, which included drinking and drugs"" The lack of apostrophes makes my eyes hurt. Perhaps we could edit them in? Maybe using square brackets.
Awards and recognition
  • "a medley of "For Whom the Bell Tolls, "Enter Sandman", and" You don't close one of the sets of speech marks.
Band members
  • Is it worth mentioning the technicians who performed live?

Overall, another great job. The prose in the section on Mustaine is a bit dull, but I can't really put my finger on what is wrong with it- perhaps it should be rewritten. Also, it may be worth expanding the fair use rationales on the images. I'll take another read through once you have gone through this review. J Milburn (talk) 14:54, 8 December 2007 (UTC)

Thank you very much for all the comments, i will see what i can do with the Mustaine section later. M3tal H3ad (talk) 03:13, 9 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Cricket

  • Early Days:

First paragraph uses the word "form" (or derivative) three times which is a little redundant, maybe replace one or two with a synonym. ♫ Cricket02 (talk) 19:38, 10 December 2007 (UTC)

  • Kill 'Em All and Ride the Lightning
Hetfield traveled over Europe to find a comparable amp. Traveled "over" Europe? Maybe to or through Europe? ♫ Cricket02 (talk) 03:24, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] APR

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 02:42, 11 December 2007 (UTC)