Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/John Martin Scripps

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[edit] John Martin Scripps

I have written this article on a British serial killer in about a week, based primarily on a book I borrowed from my local library. However, the book includes a lot of trivial information that I tried to keep out of the article, but in the process I may have omitted information that may still be important or valuable even after 12 years. I am also afraid that in my desire to write a good article the prose may be too sensationalist. Please advise me on how this article can be improved, including any information that needs to be added or removed, to reach Featured Article standards. If this article makes it to FA, it will be the first crime biography FA. :) Resurgent insurgent 04:30, 19 May 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Review by Psychless

Review by Psychless Type words or read things!

Lead:

  • The nationalities of the victims should be removed. They are mentioned later in the article and not that important.
  • "several" should be removed or replaced with "three". "various countries" could be replaced with a better phrase

Early Life:

  • First sentence should be revised to: John Martin Scripps was born in Letchworth, Hertfordshire, England to Leonard and Jean Scripps. His father was an East End lorry driver and his mother a Fleet Street barmaid. Just my opinion on how it should be structured, if nothing else just add the links.
  • Cancun → Cancún, Mexico also Montreal → Montreal, Quebec, Canada
  • abscond is an obscure word and a more commonly known word or phrase should replace it
  • Please give Ken Cold's full title, not the abbreviation and/or a wikilink to the appropriate article on it.
  • Period after revenge instead of semicolon. More information on how he persuaded her to divorce him and his relationship with her after that would be nice. It has also been stated that her hometown is in Mexico (if you follow my suggestions that is) so "in Mexico" should be removed.

Imprisonment for drug trafficking:

  • switched to → started
  • had he not escaped → had he not escaped again
  • I think the sentence: "He was trained to bone out fore quarters and hind quarters of beef, sides of bacon, carcasses of pork, and how to portion chicken.", is unnecessary as the sentence that talked about his butchery training is enough in my opinion.
  • The part about Maria and her child seems to belong somewhere else. Also who is the father of her child? His relationship with her needs more explanation like said above.

Victims:

  • The title of this section should be changed as it is talking about the murder of the victims. Not the victims themselves. Their needs to be more of a beginning to the section also.
  • Third sentence could use less detail. The exact goods he was purchasing is irrelevant.
  • I don't think the wikilinks to human legs, knees, torso and thighs are necessary.
  • The sections Timothy MacDowall and Others? could be merged together into one section called Unconfirmed Victims.

Appeal and hanging:

  • "you are told every day that you are not a member of the uman rase." Capitalize "you" and provide a short explanation of "uman rase" not just linking it to human race.

Overall: Wikify links like: May 2007 or May 1991. This is a really good article. Good Job on including the Persondata template. The things I pointed out are very small changes that will be easy to fix. I suggest first trying to get GA status. If successful try for A-class in WikiProject Biography. If this article can succeed in both (you will probably get a review of the article on both steps) it will have a very good chance of becoming a Featured Article. So implement my suggestions and try for GA. Good Luck! If you have any questions come on down to my talk page. --Psychless Type words or read things! 22:05, 19 May 2007 (UTC)

Reply by Resurgent insurgent
Lead:
    • Fixed.
    • Fixed by replacing "several" with "three" and omitting "various countries" altogether.
Early life:
    • Changed as suggested.
    • Changed as suggested.
    • "Abscond" replaced with "ran away from jail" (a bit too colloquial perhaps?)
    • Link replaced with unlinked "Police Constable".
    • Fixed, and whole new section on Family added that has all the information on the Martin-Maria relationship I can find. Unfortunately, no source I can find states how Maria was persuaded to leave Ken.
Imprisonment for drug trafficking:
    • Fixed.
    • Fixed.
    • Deleted the quote altogether, as it was just restating the preceding summary and in a not very interesting way.
    • Relationship with Lara moved to Family section.
Victims:
    • Section title changed to Murder of tourists.
    • Sentence shortened to just say he was "buying electronic goods".
    • Links all removed.
    • Sections merged as suggested.
Appeal and hanging:
    • "You" capitalised, and I added "[misspelling of human race] after "uman rase". Is that what you had in mind? I'm loathe to put [sic] anywhere because the notes were misspelt in so many places.
Overall
    • I am reluctant to wikilink dates similar to "July 1992", because I must confess I'm the type who doesn't find these links relevant to the context.

But now that I added in a new section and split out the escape into its own section, you might want to review a second time. Thank you for your patience! Resurgent insurgent 19:14, 20 May 2007 (UTC)

[edit] LuciferMorgan

  • ""I will call you the moment I check into the hotel to give you the contact number. If you do not hear from me on March 10, it would mean that I would have a seat on the plane to return to South Africa and would arrive home on March 11. But if I do call you on March 10, that would mean that I have not managed to get a seat and would return on March 12.""

The above is a quotation, so needs a citation. All quotes need citations. LuciferMorgan 12:16, 20 May 2007 (UTC)

  • "Quigley later testified, "[Martin] was instructed in butchery over a six-week period in March and April 1993. He was trained to bone out fore quarters and hind quarters of beef, sides of bacon, carcasses of pork, and how to portion chicken.""

This is another quote which needs citing. LuciferMorgan 12:16, 20 May 2007 (UTC)

Reply by Resurgent insurgent
    • The first quote has been given a inline cite, and the second one has been removed for being a simple restatement of preceding text that lacked "spice" value. Resurgent insurgent 19:14, 20 May 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Second Review by Psychless

A throrough GA reviewer suggests wikilinking dates similar to July 1776. Just note that if you do get her as a reviewer (I feel sorry for you if do) she will expect them to be wikilinked. Anyways, onto the review.

  • In the infobox the country name needs to be in his birth place.
  • Death place should be: Changi Prison, (insert city where the prison is here), Singapore
  • Update Persondata accordingly
  • Wikilink murder in infobox and death penalty in lead.

Arrest:

  • Wikilink Changi Airport

Trial:

  • When describing his statement should you make it sound more like a statement? Would that make it more or less NPOV?
  • judge needs to be capitalized

Conclusion: As you can see these are extremely minor things. Nominate it for GA is my opinion. Go to my talk page if you have any questions. --Psychless Type words or read things! 21:18, 20 May 2007 (UTC)