Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Faten Hamama

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[edit] Faten Hamama

Before starting work on rewriting this article it was a stub. I would like this article to be reviewed. I would appreciate any comments, advice, or notes. I would also like to request an assessment of the article, I think no major necessary improvements are possible, because not much info is available. ↔ ANAS - Talk 16:25, 14 November 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Gzkn

Helping out in Yannismarou's "sole domain" :). You've done a great job researching everything! Congrats on fashioning this out of a stub! In general, the structure is good, and references are present. However, whole paragraphs and key sentences still need citations (see WP:CITE). In general, aim for at least one citation per paragraph. The prose needs some work too. Consider better, more descriptive words than "big", "huge", "very", etc. I would rate this B-Class for now. Specific comments: Lead

  • "her big contributions" <-- big is probably unnecessary there (or use a better word)
Done
  • "for her role to help emphasize the role" <-- repetition of "role"
Done
  • "Hamama was born in 1931 and..." <-- no need for that in the lead as you already have her birth year in parentheses.
Done: It wasn't me actually. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • " a very long time" --> "a long absence"
Done
  • In general, the lead is OK, but skips from 1940 to 1996! What about those other 56 years of her life? :) Also, it's a bit listy at the end of the first paragraph (she won this award, and then this award, and then this other award, etc.). Consider reading WP:LEAD. A lead should hit all the major points of an article and basically offer a summary to the reader.
Done: OK, I wrote about that period. I tried to make it less listy for the awards, I removed some (less notable) and rewrote the paragraph. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)

Biography

  • wikilink Assia Dagher and get rid of "(1908–1968)"
Done
  • "movie and when the audience" --> "movie; when the audience"
Done
Done
  • wikilink Mohammad Kareem and get rid of the "(1896–1972, known as the pioneer of Egyptian cinema)"
Done
  • wikilink Mohammad Abdel Wahab...in general, wikilink famous names
Done
  • "translating "Happy Day", 1940"; also anywhere else a similar construct appears, you can safely delete "translating"
Done
  • "4 years later", "2 years later", etc. --> spell out numbers less than 10 ("Four years later", "two years later")
Done
  • "After her huge success" <-- previous sentences don't describe any such "huge" success. Consider adding some info on how successful those films were (box-office, critically). Then that transition will work.
Done: They are huge successes but I think you would understand that sources are extremely hard to find, it is definitely not as easy as finding reliable cites for an American actress for example. Anyways, I changed this line. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • "This movie attracted attention from media and Hamama became famous for her melodramatic role and was only 15 then." <-- This sentence gives us a good example of how to improve the prose. The "was only 15 then" is modifying Hamama, so we should put it closer to the subject instead of at the end of the sentence. I would suggest this: "The film attracted widespread media attention, and Hamama, who was only 15 at the time, became famous for her melodramatic role."
Done: Yeah, you're right, thanks! ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • "...were all huge successes in the Arabic box office." Needs source. (In fact, anytime there's a claim of a big success, you'll need a source).
Done
Done: Turned out to be The Prix International award. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • ""Date with Life") which she starred" --> "in which she starred."
Done
  • "This particular movie earned her the title of the "lady of the Arabic screen" and to this day and after her latest work Wajh al-Qamar, she is the highest earning Arabic actress" Source?
Done
  • The first para of Controversy in the late 1960s is confusing. What was she harassed about? Political pressure to do what?
Done: She herself hasn't revealed details, I made it much clearer, hopefully. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • "This is why most of her films have been the brightest offerings in the history of the Egyptian cinema and it was not a coincidence that the most prominent and brilliant Egyptian filmmakers produced their greatest films with Faten Hamama." Haha, while this may or may not be the case, unfortunately Wikipedia requires a NPOV. Also, without a cite, this qualifies as original research.
Done: Why is it unfortunate though? :D ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
  • Would the Hamama and Omar Sharif section be better in the Personal Life section? Gzkn 02:49, 17 November 2006 (UTC)
Done: I took care of this. I made the Hamama and Omar Sharif more focused about details on her career, and removed the personal life details from there. I also expanded the Personal life section with some details and references. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)

Thank you very much for the review Gzkn! I appreciate your patience and time my friend. I fixed every thing and worked on every comment. The article is completely cited. Perhaps you should consider the "References" too, some are full biographies and are reliable. I improved the prose and added better descriptive words. I also improved the lead paragraph. Is it worthy of a better assessment now? Thanks again! :) ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:34, 17 November 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

This is a nice effort, but it needs some more work. This is my review:

  • Inline citation go always straight after the punctuation mark and not before. Please check WP:MoS for such stylistic details.
Done
  • And try to have the citations at the end of your sentences; not in the middle. Place them in the middle, only if you think it is absolutely necessary.
Done: I'm afraid it is necessary in parts of the article. I took care of the others, though.
  • "considered by many a legend and a major icon in Arabic cinema for her contributions to the cinema industry in Egypt and for her role to help emphasize the importance of women in cinema and the Arabic society." Citing the lead is not necessary, if you cite the same things below, but I think that this "considered by" begs for a citation.
Done
  • More stylistic mistakes! We don't wikilink years (e.g. 1939), only full dates (e.g. May 28, 1939).
Done
  • "In the series, Hamama played the role of a prominent TV presenter and portrayed and criticized many problems in the Egyptian and Arabic society[3] and was awarded the Egyptian Best TV Actor of the year" I find many "ands" here.
Done
  • I find "Early life" a bit stubby. Can you add some more details?
Done
  • I have a problem with your sources. I checked all your footnotes and only two are in English. First of all, aren't there any printed sources about her? They are not a prerequisite for FAC, but they are highly esteemed. After all we don't speak about a person of 25-30 years, about whom printed sources are not usually available. She is over 70s and, obviously, a highly esteemed person in her country. Secondly, arab sources are Ok. But not 80% being arab! More English citations would be welcome. After all, they are easier verified by a FAC reviewer than the Arab ones.
Done: I replaced many Arabic (not "arab") sources with English sources, 60% of the sources are English now. I hope you understand it is difficult to find English sources for everything, there are barely Arabic ones. Besides, most of the Arabic cites are for awards and movies, which by the way are available in other sources I provided, in English. And you can always use online translators for confirmations. :) I have added printed sources with confirmed ISBNs. Any other comments on the references? What are your thoughts on the current style of the references section? :)
  • And something else: you make a distinction between "Footnotes" and "References". OK! But I don't understand your distinction! Usually, in references we put with full data the printed (and sometimes online) sources we used in footnotes. However, your references are not used in "footnotes"; if I'm wrong tell me. Is this "References" section really an "External links" section?
Done
  • Alphabetize categories at the end of the article.
Done
  • Have you thought using the Template:Cite web for your online sources and external links? I think it is nowadays recommended by FAC reviewers.
Done
  • You have only two red links. Again not a prerequisite for FAC, but I think it would be nice to make them blue! Just create two stubs.
Done:I added 5 stubs to remove those red links. All blue now. :)
  • The first paragraph in "Hamama and Yousef Wehbi" is uncited.
Done
  • I suggest that you also add at least one citation for each paragraph in "Hamama and Omar Sharif".
Done
  • "Hamama left Egypt from 1966 to 1971 because she claimed she had been continuously disturbed by the Egyptian intelligence. She refused to cooperate. The Egyptian authorities made her suffer, she wasn't allowed to travel or participate in festivals and was only able to leave Egypt after a huge controversial debate". I think this paragraph should be rewritten. What are the problems according to MPOV? i) After "suffer" I don't think comma is the right punctuation mark, ii) the second sentence is too short and for me breaks the flow of the prose. And there is also information missing: why did the Egyptian intelligence disturb her? When you say that she refused to cooperate what you mean? Previously, you tell us that she was disturbed, not that the British intelligence asked her to co-operate. And what did they ask from her?
Done
  • What problem did Nasser have with her? I'm afraid the whole "Controversy in the late 1960s" is obscure and needs more info, analysis and expansion.
Done
  • "In her following movie, Oreedo Hallan (أريد حلاً, "I Need a Solution"), she controversially criticized the rules of marriage and divorce in Egypt." Controversially? What does this mean? Again you don't cite and you don't explain what you mean. What was the controversy? Were there any enemies of her or supporters? Tell us some more things! It looks an interesting topic like her problems with the Egyptian intelligence and Nasser.
Done
  • Is Hamama pro democracy and critical towards the regime in Egypt? Her problems with Nasser and your edit that "she played critical roles with messages of democracy as in the 1972 movie Imbarotiriyat Meem" give us some hints, but again no further explanation is offered.
Done
  • "Nevertheless, her films were all successful box office blockbusters." According to whom? Referencing needed here.
Done
  • "In spite of that she was able to magnetize fellow actors as well as her audiences, which is why she was successful in a lot of her films." This is an uncited assessment. If you don't cite such assessments, you give the wrong impression of original research.
Done
  • "Most critics agree that Hamama became full-fledged after her movie Dua'e al-Karawan (دعاء الكروان) in 1959, which was chosen as one of the best Egyptian productions and was based on a novel written by the prominent Arabic writer Taha Hussein, Hamama played the role of a complicated, double charactered, psychotic woman" This sentence is not OK. Something is wrong with it.
Done
  • This list with "Honors and awards" is too long for me. I'm afraid you'll be criticized in FAC. According to me it is better to create a seperate article and in this article either to make a prose summary of it (I prefer this solution) either to include a shorter list with the most important awards.
Done: I started such an article to both the awards and filmography. I will also write a prose summary for the awards and a shorter list for the filmography.
  • All your photos are fair-used tagged. If you had 2-3 of them, it wouldn't be a problem. But you have 7 of them all tagged. I'm not a specialist in photo copyrights, but I've read some FAC reviewers criticizing such an extensive use of fair-use tagged photos. Maybe, you should take a second opinion for this specific matter.
I can't believe it but, done: I contacted the official site's administrator and asked for permission to use the images under the CC Attribution license and he accepted and even provided me with better images. Permission can be reviewed here
Thanks Yannismarou. I will work on everything and hopefully make the article a better one. I appreciate your help and am grateful for the review. ↔ ANAS - Talk 12:00, 19 November 2006 (UTC)
I took care of everything! ← ANAS Talk 09:40, 24 November 2006 (UTC)