Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/2008

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[edit] John McCain

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it's already attained "good article" status, and I think it potentially could become a featured article. It receives a great deal of visitors, and will probably receive much more attention from the public in the coming year.

I think the text of the article is in pretty good shape, but a general review of the whole article would be appreciated. One particular issue that I would like to see addressed is the black-on-black image at the top of the article (and to the right). At my request, the Wikipedia Graphics Lab yesterday created an alternative image (at right) by changing the background color to a lighter color.[1] I believe that the Graphics Lab Image is a big improvement, at least until a better image is obtained. If the current black-on-black image is retained, will that affect our chances of getting the article featured?

Thanks, Ferrylodge (talk) 04:28, 9 May 2008 (UTC)

Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Wikipedia:Peer review/John McCain/archive1.

[edit] Insane Clown Posse

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
It's been a while since the last time I had a peer review done on an article, but I did some major work on this article and want some feedback in order to find out what needs to be done to get this article up to FA status.


Thanks, Ibaranoff24 (talk) 12:42, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

[edit] User:Yannismarou

  • The lead looks to me a bit over-cited. Have in mind this.
  • Cleaned up the lead's citations. (Ibaranoff24 (talk) 09:19, 8 May 2008 (UTC))
  • "Bruce and Utsler have also collaborated with many famous hip hop and rock musicians.[11][12] Insane Clown Posse have dedicated followers, known as Juggalos and Juggalettes.[13] Bruce and Utsler founded the independent record label Psychopathic Records with manager Alex Abbiss. The label produces and distributes works by Juggalo musicians, in addition to Bruce and Utsler's own music." This part of the lead looks a bit choppy and like trivia. It needs better prose and better prose-connection between the various issues you treat.
  • "Bruce, Utsler and Hill formed a gang" Do we know more about this gang. What wat it doing exactly?
  • "and are known both for the dark and violent content of their lyrics", "has been criticized for the dark and violent content and perceived immaturity of their lyrics". Both sentences in the lead; a bit repetitive.
  • "Insane Clown Posse went back on the road with House of Krazees. Halfway through the tour, House of Krazees disbanded. Two ... " An example of choppy prose which is common place throughout the article.
  • Rewritten. In the process of finding other examples and correcting this problem. (Ibaranoff24 (talk) 09:19, 8 May 2008 (UTC))
  • The article is well-cited, and includes some critical assessments of the group's music, which is positive. You could have also critical assessments of each album separately, as I have seen in other articles, and not only to refer to what these albums have done to the charts.--Yannismarou (talk) 07:40, 8 May 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Emmy Noether

I've reconstructed this article (about the most important woman mathematician of all time, according to Einstein and others) with the goal of making it an FA. The math and physics stuff is still trickling in (though I think we're nearly where we need to be), but the biography is pretty complete. (I have no skill in math or science, so while I welcome comments/questions on those matters, other folks may have to respond.) Thanks in advance to everyone who takes a look. – Scartol • Tok 14:47, 17 April 2008 (UTC)

Comments from Karanacs

I'm totally impressed with the quality of the writing. Good job :) There are a few things I had questions about:

  • He received a doctorate from the University of Heidelberg in 1868 – the first in his family to do so - the first to receive a doctorate? The first to receive a degree from the University of Heidelberg? This level of higher education was fairly rare, I think, so this might not be necessary to include.
  • It's the former, but I agree that we can take it out. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Is Fritz's birth year known? The other two brothers have a birth year listed.
  • Added. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Do you know what exactly this means " she worked at the University of Erlangen's Mathematical Institute, without pay"? Did she just continue to do research and make use of their facilities or did she have actual duties (beyond subbing for her father)? Is there any information about why she chose to stay there?
  • She taught. I changed the wording here and in the instance below. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • There should be a citation after each quotation (even it that means duplicating citations in subsequent sentences). This one didn't have a specific citation "What will our soldiers think when they return to the university and find that they are required to learn at the feet of a woman?"
  • Done and done. I assumed the citation at the end of the exchange was understood to cover this too, but it makes sense to be over-cautious. Lemme know if you find any others. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • She spent many years working in an unpaid role. Is it known whether she was supported by her parents or had her own money?
  • She got money from her parents. Fixed. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Is this referring to a specific instance or was this a regular occurrence? "When "outsiders" visited Noether's lectures, it took only thirty minutes for them to leave in frustration or confusion" It seems a little odd to me, but I have a feeling if it was explained further it would just bog down the paragraph.
  • I tried to fix it without the bog: "Outsiders" who occasionally visited Noether's lectures usually spent only thirty minutes in the room before leaving in frustration or confusion. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • "Her colleagues have expressed frustration at the fact that she was never elected to the Göttingen Gesellschaft der Wissenschaften (Academy of Sciences) and was never promoted to the position of Ordentlicher Professor" - which colleagues?
  • Her biographer, Auguste Dick, says: "What definitely was unfair, however, is that Emmy Noether was not elected into the Gesellschaft der Wissenschaften (Gottingen Academy of Sciences). This opinion is held by leading mathematicians even today, including some who did not belong to Noether's circle." Given the high esteem in which mathematicians from Hilbert to Einstein held her, I think it's reasonable to find this statement fair, even if we don't have precise names. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Why did she need to negotiate with the Rockefeller Foundation before going to Bryn Mawr?
  • It's a terrifically long and complicated story. Someone from Oxford apparently though Noether would be unhappy at Bryn-Mawr, but then it became clear that Oxford wasn't prepared to provide the necessary funding. Bryn-Mawr got a grant from the Rockefeller Foundation, which I realized isn't mentioned in the article. I've added it. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I don't understand this - "Several results in algebraic geometry, such as the Brill–Noether theorem, the Noether–Lefschetz theorem, and several other Noether theorems, are named after her father Max Noether." - Were those Max's theorem's or Emmy's? This sentence makes it sound as if those were Max's, but the previous sentence was speaking of her work.
  • Agreed. Clarified. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I wonder if some of the mathematical concepts need to be explained a bit better. Most non-mathematicians won't know what Galois theory is, for example. The sections on Galois theory and invariant theory especially left me a bit lost. I could follow the others for the most part.
  • Okay, I'll have to bring in one of the math people for this. I confess a near-total ignorance on the math bits. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Ref 68, the Moon Duchin reference for "The Sexual Politics of Genius", doesn't list a publisher

Karanacs (talk) 15:50, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

  • Added. – Scartol • Tok 17:36, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

Thanks again for your review! – Scartol • Tok 17:37, 5 May 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Thoughts from Jay Henry

It's so well done (and subsequently so over-my-head-technical) that I'm afraid I can be of little help. (You're too good for me!) Some scattered thoughts nonetheless.

  • I like the {{harvnb}} templates.
  • Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about them. G-Guy makes a good case, and I suppose the hyperlink capability is good, but I really don't like sifting through all the template code. I think they're more well-suited to articles dealing with math and science than the humanities. (That's just me.) – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I think we could possibly tighten the lead by shortening or removing "Noether provided a valuable contribution to the world of physics in 1915" as this is basically subsumed by the subsequent claim "one of the most important mathematical theorems ever proved in guiding the development of modern physics"
  • I think you're right. Done. – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Did she always speak with a lisp, or just as a child? If she had a lifelong lisp it's somewhat more telling.
  • The sources only mention it in relation to childhood. I added the phrase "during childhood" to clarify. – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I think it's okay to link important people in the lead and then on their first appearance in the body as well. I tend to think this is more helpful to the reader, although if you prefer to minimize blue links, I don't feel strongly about it. Hilbert and Klein in the start of Emmy_Noether#University_of_G.C3.B6ttingen made me think of this.
  • Yeah, they're linked in the section just above, about her work at Erlangen, when she visited Gottingen. Do you think we should also link (or link instead) at the start of the Gottingen section? – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Ah, no. Just me being oblivious. It's perfectly appropriate as is. --JayHenry (talk) 04:44, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
  • When World War I ended, the German Revolution of 1918-19 brought a significant change in social attitudes, including more equal rights for women. "More equal" always makes me think of Animal Farm in that it's somewhat infelicitous. Perhaps just "more rights"?
  • Yes, agreed. Changed. – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • Three years later she was made an "unofficial associate professor", which – despite its official title – still did not provide her with a salary. Is "unofficial associate professor" really an official title? Seems like we need a different word than official in the second instance. Perhaps formal? Or, "despite the recognition... did not provide her with a salary."
  • "unofficial associate professor" is what the letter from the Prussian Minister read. I've added some more context to explain this more clearly. – Scartol • Tok 15:50, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • sometimes discussing advanced concepts with the latter through commentary on postcards. I wasn't sure what this meant. As in, they would mail them back and forth? Or sit down together at a table and scribble equations on them?
  • Mail them. Clarified in text. – Scartol • Tok 21:43, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • In other instances she allowed her colleagues and students to receive credit for her ideas, helping them develop their careers rather than demanding tribute. This could possible benefit from an example.
  • I agree, but the sources don't offer any. (Although two insist it's true.) I might strike it, but I think it's a valid claim, just one of which we can't give concrete examples. – Scartol • Tok 21:43, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I think that's okay. I suppose it mostly goes to show that she was effective at making sure she didn't receive the credit. --JayHenry (talk) 04:44, 8 May 2008 (UTC)
  • He began referring to her as der Noether. How common is the knowledge that der is the masculine definite article in German? I guess we can probably assume most readers of this article will know that?
  • I think it's fair to mention why this is significant. I've added a phrase to clarify. – Scartol • Tok 21:43, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • I assume that Noether showed a devotion to the subject and her students that went beyond the regular school day is not supported only by once lecturing at the coffee house?
  • Okay, I added a mention of the post-purge meetings she held in her home. Thanks again for your careful attention to detail, JH! – Scartol • Tok 21:43, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
  • In the summer of 1934, she returned to Germany to see Artin this leaves me with the impression she was still there when the tumor was discovered. Or had she only visited Germany and was back at Bryn Mawr when it happened?

These are all minor nitpicks, none of which would prevent supporting at FAC. I can't really vouch for the math and would want to hear from someone who could. What an interesting person... how'd you get turned onto this topic, Scartol? --JayHenry (talk) 05:33, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Another thought: did Emmy herself ever reflect at all upon being the only woman in her field for much of her life? --JayHenry (talk) 05:37, 6 May 2008 (UTC)

Thanks so much for your review, Jay, and for your flattering feedback. She really didn't (from what I've found) comment about being one of the only women in the field (and certainly one of the only at her level). She seemed to take things like this in stride. (Whether it was bemused patience or simmering, angered biding of time, or oblivious subservience, I can't tell – but I strongly suspect the first.)
Why Emmy? I'll be honest: I went to the library (that big one you told me about) and just looked around for someone to research. Since I know nothing about math, I thought I'd expand my horizons in that field. My initial thought was to learn about a mathematician from what is now the Middle East, but I had trouble finding biographies about anyone. I stumbled upon Osen's book about Women in Mathematics, skimmed the bit about Noether, and found books to add to the stack. The rest is history. (Because the math and physics stuff has required me to rely on other folks so heavily, I'll probably stick to other fields in the future – I appreciate tremendously the assistance I've gotten, but I hate feeling so helpless while working on major sections of a piece.)
I should note that I was struck by the synchronicity of following Emma Goldman with another important woman whose name starts with "Emm-". Pursuant to my discussion with WillowW, I plan someday in the future to FA-ize the article about Emmeline B. Wells, to complete the Emm* name hat trick. (But first I'm going to take it easy and chillax with another Balzac article.)
Thanks again. I'll make the corrections you noted soon. – Scartol • Tok 15:45, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
Ah the perils of synchronicity. That's what got me into my badly failed Featured Topic candidacy. I've always wanted to find some obscure (at least to me) subject like you've done here and whip it into shape. As for the next project... I probably would go with a different Emm* though in the long term, I'm not sure appearance over substance is a viable life strategy. --JayHenry (talk) 01:29, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
And then there is my abnormal desire to make them each a different Emm- name. As for Featured Topic, I'm sorry to hear that yours was unsuccessful. It will be many years before I have enough articles about La Comédie humaine to make it a FT. (As you know, there are about 100 books in the series.) Three down, ninety-seven to go! – Scartol • Tok 04:14, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
Of course, you'd really have to do Emmental (cheese) to complete the double hat trick. --JayHenry (talk) 04:44, 8 May 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Jack Kemp

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has failed its second WP:FAC. The article is very thorough and well-cited. However, this guy is a Reaganite and Ronald Reagan took 6 WP:FACs and 2 WP:PRs (not to mention 2 WP:GACs to achieve WP:FA. I am not a political scholar, but I imagine some people bring thier own persuasion into the promotion process for political figures. I have felt that at the conclusion of each WP:FAC process, I have substantially addressed the concerns raised, but the reviewers failed to reconsider their opinions in time for the FA promotion. I am not entirely convinced that much needs to be done to the article when I compare its quality to my other 5 successful WP:FAs, but I bring it here on the advice of User:SandyGeorgia.

Thanks, TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 19:54, 4 May 2008 (UTC)

Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Wikipedia:Peer review/Jack Kemp/archive1.

[edit] Thomas Cranmer

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I am requesting a peer review in preparation for FAC. Any comments, suggestions, or criticisms are welcome. RelHistBuff (talk) 10:28, 29 April 2008 (UTC)

Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Wikipedia:Peer review/Thomas Cranmer/archive1.

[edit] Jan Willem Spruyt

This article is part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. This is a new article about a nineteenth-century State Secretary and Acting State President of the Orange Free State. As created, it is more than a stub and I am looking for at least a class=Start in both listed Projects. Michel Doortmont (talk) 09:13, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Checked date links; remaining ones seem to be relevant for context. Michel Doortmont (talk) 20:33, 10 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Although the man lived from 1826 to 1908, he was not a very well-known public figure, and left public life around 1871, which makes it unlikely that public images will turn up. Providing an image, if any are available, will constitute original research. Michel Doortmont (talk) 15:04, 10 April 2008 (UTC)
  • This article is a bit too short, and therefore may be capable of expansion.[?]
  • Article is now expanded with extra info, although some parts of his life history remain a bit thin. No specific sources seem available to solve this at short notice. At least his whole life is dealt with. Michel Doortmont (talk) 20:33, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 09:44, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

  • Checked on suggestions, none seem to be applicable at this stage. Michel Doortmont (talk) 20:33, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Request for B-status

With the improvements and expansion I want to suggest that the article may qualify for B-status. Your opinions and action please. Michel Doortmont (talk) 20:33, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

  • Just saw your update of the article and B-status request. The article is now definitely beyond Start-level, so I have asseseed it as B-status. Makeshift Thackery (talk) 09:57, 21 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Request for GA-status review

The article has been further improved. Although it is a short article, it is my feeling that the quality is as good as it can get, and that therefore it could qualify for GA-status in its current form. Apart from the peer review and B-status handled here I have therefore also lodged a review request for GA-status. Who will assist? Michel Doortmont (talk) 09:53, 21 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Cornelius Hermanus Wessels

This article is a new submission in a series of Orange Free State biographies of historical political persons. Originally presented a stub, with just name info, the article now contains a full biography, info box, images (rare!) and references. We are therefore looking for a B-rating in both WikiProjects the article is in. Also we are looking for reviewer's comments and assistance to bring the article to GA-level (and eventually A- and FA-level). Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:08, 6 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Checked all dates and deleted superfluous links. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:32, 10 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Please consider adding {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Added {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} box. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:32, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 09:40, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

  • Checked for other suggestions, no imperative additions or changes to be made at this moment. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:32, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

Re-request for classification as class-B article. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:32, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Jay Presson Allen

I have written a few biography articles lately, but can't seem to get any above B-Class. I am hoping to find out what I need to do to this one to move it from B-Class to Good. Thanks for any advice you can give me. EraserGirl (talk) 01:42, 4 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Please expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The lead should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should summarize the whole of the article rather than just be three-sentences.[?]
  • Please see if there are any free use images that fall under the Wikipedia:Image use policy and fit under one of the Wikipedia:Image copyright tags that can be uploaded. To upload images on Wikipedia, go to Special:Upload; to upload non-fair use images on the Wikimedia Commons, go to commons:special:upload.[?]
  • The script has spotted the following contractions: wouldn't, couldn't, wasn't, weren't, didn't, wouldn't, wasn't, hadn't, weren't, didn't, doesn't, didn't, wasn't, hadn't, wouldn't, wasn't, if these are outside of quotations, they should be expanded.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 11:38, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Charles J. O'Byrne

I made a stub and then flushed it out in a day, and I think it has potential to go to GA or higher. It has been through a copy edit and proofreading by the League of Copyeditors, now I would like to get feedback and collaboration on what needs to be done to further improve this to FA (aside from getting it from 20k to 50k). MrPrada (talk) 00:43, 4 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] J. B. M. Hertzog

This article is about a prominent South African politician and statesman. It is in need of additions and references. We are looking for a B-classification and are in need of assistance. Michel Doortmont (talk) 14:11, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

The main thing is that this article is clearly too short for a Prime Minister of a major country, and needs to be expanded.[?] Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 11:29, 7 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Christiaan de Wet

This article about an important South African politician and Boer leader is part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. Looking for assistance to bring it up to B-level and possibly GA-level. Michel Doortmont (talk) 13:32, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • Too short for B-Class, and a lot of work needed for GA status. No lead, no sections, no structure, no citations. Have you read these excellent tips, which are actually a guide to bring an article to B-Class status?
  • "Thenceforward he came to be regarded more and more as the most formidable leader of the Boers in their guerrilla warfare.". By whom? Cite or it is POV and OR.
  • "De Wet is mentioned in Kipling's poem Ubique [1]." External jumps like this one should be avoided. urn them into proper citations.
  • A review here can really be helpful, if the article gets more expanded and more comprehensive.--Yannismarou (talk) 12:53, 28 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Pieter Jeremias Blignaut

New article on colourful South African Afrikaner statesman of the late 19th century. This article is part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. Looking for B-status at least. Michel Doortmont (talk) 11:40, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Blignaut turned out to be the right man for the job." Maybe POV and bit uncyclopedic.
    Removed sentence.
  • "it was therefore only natural". Maybe peacock.
    I changed the phrasing to avoid misunderstanding of the meaning of "natural" here.
  • It cannot be B-Class, because of the lack of citations. IMO it should also be further expanded with the addition of more material in the main article.
    There is a problem here: although a political person of substance (interim head of state), there is not that much more to tell about him. Besides, sources are not plentiful. Conclusion: (1) inline citation can be expanded, but will mainly refer to same sources, although more detailed; (2) addition of material in the main article is hard, there is not that much more. Will give it a try.
  • In "See also", we avoid to place articles already linked in the main text.
    Removed entire section as all links were repeats.
  • "External links" is empty!
    Is not: wikisource reference is here. Would you propose to put this elsewhere, and if so, where?
  • For an assessment request, prefer Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Assessment.--Yannismarou (talk) 12:37, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
    Will do next time.

Thanks for the effort. Have another look in a couple of days, when I have dealt with the references. Michel Doortmont (talk) 21:32, 29 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Ayumi Hamasaki

This article about a Japanese singer had a lot of speculation/personal opinion and almost no references when I started editing it. Since then, I've provided about 90% of the references, removed unconfirmable statements and personal opinion, and added necessary sections. I'm hoping to eventually turn it into a featured article. I'm especially hoping for constructive criticism concerning the lead section and flow of the article, but any feedback is appreciated. Thanatous (talk) 04:06, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • As I said in Tenacious D's review above, you do not have to overcite in the lead. Especially obvious facts (is a Japanese singer-songwriter and former actress) and facts or assessments cite in the main text do not need citing in the lead. Read carefully here. The size, content and prose of the lead looks to me fine.
  • "Hamasaki began her modeling career at the age of seven, modeling locally for institutions such as banks to earn money for the family. At the age of fourteen, she moved from Fukuoka to Tokyo to take various modeling". A bit repetitive.
  • "take various modeling stints as well as acting jobs in such productions as doramas like". You mean "doramas" or "dramas"?
  • "n April, Hamasaki, ..." Of which year? 2003?
  • "As Hamasaki is not a professional composer, she frequently employs others to compose her songs. As she explained, "I'm not a professional; I lack even basic knowledge about writing music." However, when she was writing her song "M," she felt that none of the melodies composed by her staff appealed to her, and she decided to compose the melody herself.[10] As she felt..." Again, try to vary a bit your prose forms.
  • I would place "See also" before "footnotes", so that citations and footnotes are one after the other.
  • In "Image and artistry", I would like more critical approaches of her music; not what she and her fans think of her art.

The article is comprehensive, well-written and well-cited. Well-done! (Your username is "thanatous"; do you know that in Greek "thanatos" [without the "u"!] means death?!)--Yannismarou (talk) 12:29, 28 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Richard Dawkins

I would like to submit this article for peer review, as I feel that it has undergone profound improvement recently. My hope is that it will achieve Featured Article status. I feel that it is excellently sourced, nicely laid out, and well written. It was recently nominated for FA status, but turned down due to some referencing issues (inconsistency of format being the main one). However, I think that these issues have been solved, and would like to get some outside opinion before re-submitting it as an FA candidate.--AC+79 3888 (talk) 10:07, 6 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

There were only two very minor points generated by the program. It looks like a very strong article to me.

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 06:59, 11 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Mahamat Nouri

This is the biography of the leading Chad rebel commander. I want to ask a review of this article so to see how far it is from a potential A-class category, and what is most necessary to be done. The great lack, as all may notice, is the lack of images; there's little I can do, unfortunately, as free images of prominent Chadians are in general extremely rare (there's only one in wikipedia, and it's that of the current President of the country).--Aldux (talk) 18:46, 26 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Kirill Lokshin

Quite nice, overall. A few minor suggestions:

  • There's a lot of redlinks in the article; any chance of getting some of the more prominent ones stubbed out?
  • Are there images available of any of the events, particularly in the civil war? Maps could potentially work here, if nothing else can be found.
  • Should there be succession boxes for his political posts, or are they all single-holder things?

Keep up the good work! Kirill 12:36, 3 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 13:36, 3 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Jacobus Nicolaas Boshoff

This biography on a South African Boer politician from the nineteenth century has been completely rewritten, as part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. We are looking for a class=Start in both Projects listed, with a view to class=B. Review comments are heartily invited. Michel Doortmont (talk) 14:29, 21 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Consider removing links that have been repeated in close proximity to other links to the same article, as per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (links) and WP:CONTEXT. Guides recommend having greater than 3% words in links, but be sure not to overlink words just to add more links.[?]
  • Checked and removed superfluous date links; remainig are those that provide context. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:53, 10 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Please consider adding {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Added {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} box. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:53, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 13:30, 3 April 2008 (UTC)

  • Checked for further suggestions; none applicable at the moment. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:53, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Re-request for B-status

In view of above edits I re-request B-status for this article. Michel Doortmont (talk) 12:53, 10 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Jacobus Groenendaal

This article is part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. This is a new article about the first nineteenth-century State Secretary of the Orange Free State. As created, it is more than a stub and I am looking for at least a class=Start in both listed Projects.Michel Doortmont (talk) 23:15, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • An image may be hard to come by and acquiring one will most likely construe original research. Michel Doortmont (talk) 13:27, 2 April 2008 (UTC)
  • It is now confirmed that Groenendaal died in 1860, which makes it highly unlikely an image will turn up. Photographs in the 1850s were still Daguerrotypes, which are now very rare. I can not imagine a drawing or painting turning up, although it is not impossible. Michel Doortmont (talk) 16:08, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • You may wish to consider adding an appropriate infobox for this article, if one exists relating to the topic of the article.[?]
  • This article is a bit too short, and therefore may not be as comprehensive as it could be. Please see if anything can be expanded upon.[?]
  • This article is about a relevant historical office holder, but of secondary importance. It may therefore be slightly problematic to add information without original research. Will check Suid Afrikaanse Biografiese Woordenboek for an entry and relevant references. Michel Doortmont (talk) 13:50, 2 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Checked literature and added a considerable amount of information. Michel Doortmont (talk) 16:08, 8 April 2008 (UTC)

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 12:43, 2 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Request for B-status

It is my feeling that the article now qualifies for B-status. If you agree, make it happen! Michel Doortmont (talk) 16:08, 8 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Josias Philip Hoffman

This article is part of a series of Orange Free State biographies. This biography on a South African Boer politician from the nineteenth century has been completely rewritten. However, information from published sources is scarce. Therefore, we are looking for a class=Start in both Projects listed, with a view to class=B. Review comments are heartily invited. Michel Doortmont (talk) 22:25, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Please consider adding {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} added.
  • This article is a bit too short, and therefore may not be as comprehensive as it could be. Please see if anything can be expanded upon.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 12:40, 2 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Francis William Reitz

This article on a South African politician was a stub with hardly any info in it. It is now completely rewritten, with references and sources, portrait and infobox links to WikiSource etc. Currently a B-status is looked for, with GA-status or above hoped for, when the remaining section of Reitz as cultural figure is completed, and some more editing has further improved the article.Michel Doortmont (talk) 13:11, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

B-status has been issued by an independent reviewer.Michel Doortmont (talk) 18:22, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • For FA status, you would need to expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The lead should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should adequately summarize the article.[?]
    • Issue addressed in conformity with guidelines; former short lead dated from original much shorter article. Michel Doortmont (talk) 22:57, 3 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months and days of the week generally should not be linked. Single years without accompanying dates, decades, and centuries should only be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Please consider adding {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
    • Issue addressed, {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} inserted.
  • There are a few occurrences of weasel words in this article- please observe WP:AWT. Certain phrases should specify exactly who supports, considers, believes, etc., such a view.
  • Please make the spelling of English words consistent, at present both American or British spelling appears to be used. Examples include: honor (A) (British: honour), honour (B) (American: honor), neighbour (B) (American: neighbor), meter (A) (British: metre), defence (B) (American: defense), organise (B) (American: organize), ization (A) (British: isation), isation (B) (American: ization), travelled (B) (American: traveled).
  • There were a few words in American English, which I changed to British English. As the article is about a South African historical topic a conscious choice was made for British English. Maybe a third person should go over the text again and copy-edit on this issue. Michel Doortmont (talk) 21:02, 3 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Please clear the [citation needed] markers by inserting appropriate references where necessary. For GA-status, you would need further footnotes detailing from which source the material in the article is taken.
    • Added citations to all factual statements and removed [citation needed] markers; issue solved, but re-review is welcome, Michel Doortmont (talk) 00:16, 4 April 2008 (UTC)

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 12:32, 2 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Good Article (GA) nominee

All of the above comments have been worked on rigourously and subsequenly the article was put up for Good Article (GA) status. Please assist in making this happen! Michel Doortmont (talk) 00:30, 4 April 2008 (UTC)

  • Checked article manually and agree with nomination for GA-status; peer review was rigorous, corrections and additions were also. GA-status given. Makeshift Thackery (talk) 08:07, 16 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] John McManners

This was my first article. I am hoping to see what others think and for suggestions on how it could be improved.Forhist100 (talk) 04:23, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • The prose is problematic. Some examples: "He served with the Northumberland Fusiliers, and was commissioned soon after enlisting. He served in the Western Desert Campaign and was at the Siege of Tobruk. He also served with the 210 British Liaison Unit (Greek Mission) in Alexandreia to help prepare Greece for restoration of constitutional government." Choppy and repetitive. When you complete the article, ask a copy-editor to go through it or ask help from the League of Copyeditors.
  • The first four sections have no inline citations.
  • In "Published Works" all the paragraphs are stubby! This is not nice for the prose.And you should also improve your narration, the way you go from one book to the other for instance. Don't forget you tell the story a reader should follow and, why not, enjoy.
  • For your references you could use a series of templates, such as Template:cite book, Template:cite book, Template:cite news, Template:cite web, and Template:cite encyclopedia.

It would be nice if you could further expand the article with more information.--Yannismarou (talk) 14:42, 22 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 14:06, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Desmond Tutu

Am hoping for comments and feedback on what to improve in this article in order for it be classified as a Good Article. The article last had a peer review in 2005 - and significant changes and expansions have taken place since then. I'd also like some feedback on the percieved weaknesses of the article. I've been putting some work into the article and I'd like to know if there any significant problems with it. Thanks. --Cazo3788 (talk) 17:00, 17 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • MoS issues:
  • Inconsistencies in wikilinking years and dates. Single years should not be linked; a rule the article not always follows.
  • "Tutu was diagnosed with prostate cancer.[12]" Get rid of sucj external jumps. Provide proper citations.
  • I have a problem with the structure of the biography. What does "background" mean? Background of what? And why is "Background" divided from "Political work"? And what is "Personal life" doing in the middle? If I may propose something the structure could be "Early years", and then one or more sections about his political activities with the proper sub-sections. "Personal life" could be part of "Early years" or a separate section at the end of the biography.
  • Repetitions and overlaps:
  • I see there is an "Awards" section. Why then you speak again about his awards in the last two paragraphs of "Background"?
  • "On 16 October 1984, Tutu was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel Committee cited his "role as a unifying leader figure in the campaign to resolve the problem of apartheid in South Africa." "After the fall of apartheid, he headed the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, for which he was awarded the Sydney Peace Prize in 1999."How many times am I going to read in the article the same information?!! Repetitions! Repetitions!
  • "In 2003 he became the patron of Sabeel Ecumenical Liberation Theology Center located in Jerusalem.". And more repetitions!
  • "Criticism of Tutu" should either be merged in "Political views" or remain a separate section and become more comprehensive, not just treating two issues. After all, reading "political views" you see there criticisms as well, e.g concerning his stance towards Israel. Overlaps!
  • "Personal life" as it is now is full of stubby paragraphs. Improve the prose. This is a telegraph, not proper encyclopedic prose: "He has been married to Leah Nomalizo Tutu since 2 July 1955. They have four children: Trevor Thamsanqa Tutu, Theresa Thandeka Tutu, Naomi Nontombi Tutu and Mpho Andrea Tutu, all of whom attended the Waterford Kamhlaba School in Swaziland." And repetitive: "In 1996 ... In 1998 ... In spring 2007."
  • The article lacks citations. Try to have at least one inline citation in each paragraph.
  • "He vigorously opposed the "constructive engagement" policy of the Reagan administration in the United States, which advocated "friendly persuasion." I would like to elaborate a bit on this issue.
  • "Though he was most firm in denouncing South Africa's white-ruled government, Tutu was also harsh in his criticism of the violent tactics of some anti-apartheid groups such as the African National Congress and denounced terrorism and Communism. Tutu's opposition was vigorous and unequivocal, and he was outspoken both in South Africa and abroad, often comparing apartheid to Nazism and Communism." In these two sentences you repeat the same points a bit "clumsy" and without the proper analysis (and without citations).
  • I feel that his activities between 1975-1984 are inadequately analyzed.
  • Stubby paragraphs at the end "Political work". By the way, IMO the heading of the section is not nice. Maybe "political activities" or something else in the context of an overall restructuring.
  • "The Nobel laureate has expressed support ..." Better "Tutu has ..." And IMO it is not nice to start new section with "he ..." as you do in "Personal life". Better "Tutu ..."
  • In "Politics and political views" the article treats a lot of issues without a proper structure. Why "Indonesia" is chosen to be analyzed first and then G8 or Israel? You need a less seamless, coherent and comprehensive structure. And check the imbalance concerning the extent of "Politics and political views" compared to previous sections. An article needs the proper balance between the sections, this biography seems to lack.
  • Compared to the extent of the stubby "G8" the quote is IMO too long. If it is so important put it in an inbox; otherwise turn it into prose.
  • "Social psychology" sub-section is in the wrong section! This paragraph is not about politics, but about his scientific writings.
  • "Tutu has spoken of the significant role Jews played in the anti-Apartheid struggle in South Africa, has voiced support for Israel's security concerns, and has spoken against tactics of suicide bombing and incitement to hatred.[10] He is also an active and prominent proponent of the campaign for divestment from Israel, [11] and has likened Israel's treatment of Palestinians to the treatment of Black South Africans under apartheid." But prose, which does not present properly the two aspects of Tutu's stance: understanding of Israel's concerns, but compassion for Palestinians who suffer under Israeli occupation as well. And again the imbalance: Compared to the other subsections of "Political views", "On Israel and relationship with the Jewish community" is too long. "Beit Hanoun" should be incorporated in the previous sub-section. If it gets too long, create a sub-article per WP:SS.
  • I think the quote in "On homosexuality" gets also too long. And in "On homosexuality" again why almost no prose? Turn the quote into prose. The use of such long quotes should be careful. Check other FA biographies to see how quoted and inboxes are used.
  • Should "Chairman of The Elders" be a separate section? I thing it should be merged in another section concerning his political or general activities.
  • "Honors" is too long and has no prose. You could create a separate article-list, and have here just a short paragraph of prose per WP:SS mentioning his most important awards.
  • "Popular culture" and "Quotes" are listy and trivia sections, which are not recommended in biographies. Incorporate as much as you feel necessary in the main text, and get read of the rest placing them in Wikiquote.
  • "In "Bibliography" I don't see in many books ISBNs. Use Template:cite book to create a consistent list.--Yannismarou (talk) 14:29, 22 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months, days of the week generally should not be linked. Single years without accompanying dates, decades, and centuries should only be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Per WP:WIAFA, this article's table of contents (ToC) may be too long – consider shrinking it down by merging short sections.[?]
  • The quotes section should be removed. Quotes should be integrated, where relevant, with the text or moved to wikiquotes.
  • Please make the spelling of English words consistent with either American or British spelling, depending upon the subject of the article. Examples include: honor (A) (British: honour), honour (B) (American: honor), organise (B) (American: organize), recognise (B) (American: recognize), criticize (A) (British: criticise), criticise (B) (American: criticize), ization (A) (British: isation), travelled (B) (American: traveled), curb (A) (British: kerb), programme (B) (American: program ).

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 14:00, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Edgar Lee Hewett

Several changes were made to this article since the last peer review, based on peer review recommendations. Requesting a second peer review to help move this article along to WP:GA status.SqlPac (talk) 16:14, 15 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • MoS inconsistencies. Do not wikilinkg single years only full dates: year-month-date. Instead of -- , use —.
  • Try to have at least one citation in each paragraph.
  • "Hewett's time at the head of the Normal School can be viewed as generally successful." By whom? Sources?
  • "a practice that, in the eyes of Hewett's many critics, would characterize and compromise much of his later writing as well". Who were these critics? Cite.
  • "Roosevelt's first use of the Antiquities Act was not to protect." Why italics?
  • "a base for his increasingly professional (if still controversial)". Why controversial?
  • "Another factor had to do with Hewett's own personality. He had many supporters, but also many critics, and some of the latter complained that his real goal was to ensure that he, Edgar L. Hewett, D.Sc., Director of the School of American Research, would have access to, and control of, the Plateau's sites -- while his rivals would not." But you don't refer to his personality, his character, but to the accusations of his critics (having to do with his motives and not with his personality). If there are any interesting features of his personality leading to these accusations, mention them.
  • "Hewett remarried in 1911, to Donizetta Jones Wood, who would survive him." This is not about his academic life. Maybe you should place it somewhere else. Possibly when you speak about his first wife's death.
  • "His 1943 book Ancient Life in the American Southwest, cited below, amounts to a rehashing of a lifetime of archaeology without contributing anything new, and most of it could have been written at least 20 years earlier. Its tone also strikes the modern reader as annoyingly patronizing to (yet still respectful of) the people he studied, but Hewett was, after all, a product of his times." The whole phrasing here looks to me uncyclopedic and hardly in terms with WP:POV.
  • Maybe a "Legacy" section, speaking about what's left to us from his work and efforts would be useful. If there is anything left ...
  • In line sources (for example the one in citation 10) are not properly formated. Make use of these useful templates: Template:cite web, Template:cite news, Template:cite encyclopedia, Template:cite journal, Template:cite book.
  • I see no pages in citation 3.
  • The article is a bit poor in terms of pictures. Could there be any improvement?
  • "Hewett's interest in Frijoles Canyon was timely, for Adolph Bandelier had just started to describe, through both scientific papers and his novel The Delight Makers, prehistoric life on the Pajarito Plateau." Is the prose here OK? "Prehistoric life on the Pajarito Plateau" refers to The Delight Makers?

In general, the article looks comprehensive, informative and the prose seems to be fine.--Yannismarou (talk) 17:20, 15 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program:

  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months, days of the week or single years without accompanying dates should not be linked generally. Single years without accompanying dates, decades, and centuries should only be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Autoformatting of dates, years with full dates should be linked; for example, if January 15, 2006 appeared in the article, link it as January 15, 2006.[?]
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 13:52, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Marisol Deluna

From a peer review, I'm looking for feedback on how to improve this article to a B-class quality article. I thought it was at least B-class when I submitted it for reassessment just yesterday, but apparently it is not. What do I need to do in order to improve it to a B-class article? --Mr. Brown (talk) 16:06, 9 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • The lead is too short. Check WP:LEAD.
  • The article is full of short-stubby paragraphs that make it look listy. This not a nice prose. Make the article's prose flow, and have proper paragraphs. As it is the prose now, I am not sure if the article is even ready for a copy-editing.
  • Some sections have no inline citations.
  • "The ability to tell a meaningful story without depending on "cookie cutter" imagery throughout her collection is what make her designs so clever." "Her designs are considered timeless and worn in a variety of styles to suit women of all generations."According to whom? Try not to get POV, and provide sources for your assessments.
  • "She believes her clients appreciate fashionable items that have meaning on a personal level yet create betterment for others." "She believes that site visits allow teaching art to orphans, introducing inner city students to fashion career options, mentoring at settlement houses, public schools, women's organizations and for those in need of guidance to begin their own companies." This may be a personal preference, but I do not like new sections to start with "she" or "he". Write "Deluna believes her clients ..."
  • "Mentorship", "Philanthropy" and "Marriage" are stubby. Merge or expand.--Yannismarou (talk) 15:22, 10 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Augustus Jones

I've worked this article up to B-class status, but apart from a little feedback while it was on the front page, I've gotten very little feedback. I'm aiming to push it to Good Article status at the moment, with maybe an eye towards FA after that's done, if I can. Any feedback would be appreciated, but especially layout, flow and appropriate depth. Mr Lemon (talk) 19:21, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

For FA, you would need to expand the lead, and probably expand or merge the very short sections. DrKiernan (talk) 12:20, 2 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Janet Jackson

Article was recently promoted to GA. I would like a review to ensure promotion when nominated for FA. Also, during GAN the review suggested the Legacy and Personal Life sections be independent from the Biography section, but I thought it looks better when those sections were sub categories of the Biography. I'd like a second opinion. Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 23:11, 4 April 2008 (UTC)

Comments from Matthewedwards (talk · contribs)
  • All date ranges, such as "From 1979-1980" should be ndash-es, not hyphens, per WP:DASH
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Add "Nevada" to Las Vegas, for readers unfamiliar with the city
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Those TV shows under "Early life and career debut" should be wikilinked where available
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • The image caption "The Jackson siblings in the MTV/Grammy award winning music video "Scream"" makes it sound like it was one award body, rather than two
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • "Jackson was criticized for the explicitness of the photograph." should be citeable, and cited.
  • "had heady socially-conscious message" → "had a heady..." or "...messages."
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • Five non-free images seems excessive
  • "not under the ruse it was a "wardrobe malfunction";" Some mention of her previously calling it this should be included before its use here
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • "expressed "sentiments of nonsupport from the label."" What does this mean?
  • Don't think there's any need to wikilink to birthday or party. Everyone knows what these are
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • "Though Discipline was widely expected to be Jackson's "comeback" album—compared to the The Breakthrough of Mary J. Blige and The Emancipation of Mariah Carey" Does this mean that The Breakthough and The Emancipation are not comeback albums, or that they are, in which case "compared to" would be better as "much like" or similar. Note that personally, I don't think of those two albums as "comebacks" as they never left, however, if they are, they should be cited.
note: the article in the citation for this sentence discusses the three albums. Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 07:42, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • I would shorten the discogrpahy section to listing just the albums, and then {{main}} to Janet Jackson discography, and put the rest of the information there.
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 08:10, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • The DVD/VHS section could go there too
Y DoneBookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 08:10, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
Y Done Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 08:10, 8 April 2008 (UTC)
  • For your question regarding the Legacy and Personal Life sections, I would put Personal life into the Biography section, but alot of the stuff currently in the Biography section seems more fitting if it were in a Career section, and the Legacy could be a subsection of that.

That's all from me for now. Let me know if you want a follow-up, re-review or have any comments or questions that need addressing. -- ṃ•α•Ł•ṭ•ʰ•Ə•Щ• @ 00:14, 8 April 2008 (UTC)

I would say that Personal life should be a part of the biography section, but I'm not sure about Legacy.

Thanks for the review! Bookkeeperoftheoccult (talk) 08:10, 8 April 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Douglas Bruce

This turned into a lengthier article than I expected on one of the more... interesting... characters in contemporary Colorado politics. I hope to pull this article up to GA and then FA status after a bit of polishing, but, at the moment, I'm mainly interested in how well the more colorful aspects of Douglas Bruce's career are covered. -- Sethant (talk) 05:30, 26 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Review by Psychless

This is an excellent, informative article. I'm glad to see an article on a state politician go beyond stub status! In terms of content, I'd like to read more about his younger years and personal life, but I understand that that information may just not exist in published sources. Here are my suggestions:

  • The first sentence contains a list of the schools he graduated from. If you want to keep it in that format, you should remove the two "then"s
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
Y Done He did, and in looking for that info, I found a page with a young picture of him --Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Replace " -- " with "—". Note the absence of space on both sides.
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Does the 38th Assembly district still include those two cities? If it does, you should write "includes" instead of "included". If it doesn't, you should consider adding "at the time" at the end of the sentence to clarify this.
The 38th is now Santa Clarita and Simi Valley, so no. Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Is there any information on his switch from Democrat to Republican? That's a very big ideological switch.
I think the narrative makes it clear that he wasn't a typical Democrat, and he didn't become a typical Republican, either. Aside from what's included, there isn't much information about his career as a Democrat, alas.--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "A third and final attempt in 1992" could be cut down to "A third attempt in 1992"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "tangling vocally" is very ambiguous. Don't be afraid to say he was shouting at the other person. If that's what he did, it's still NPOV. (This term was used in the lead as well.)
No, not shouting; I've changed that phrasing to "trading barbs;" and described an often-quoted incident from that campaign.Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "Bruce ran unsuccessfully for the Colorado State Senate again in 2000" sounds better than "Bruce ran unsuccessfully again for the Colorado State Senate in 2000" to me.
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Is the "during his senate campaign," part necessary in "In June 2000, during his senate campaign,"? I'm not sure how the issue is relevant to his senate campaign other than it happened in the same time frame.
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "Bruce was elected to the El Paso County, Colorado county commission" -> "Bruce was elected to the El Paso County, Colorado, county commission"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • The first sentence of the 2004 election section is a run-on. The second sentence should start with "In the general election, he defeated".
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "Bruce was frequently the lone vote in opposition to measures" -> "Bruce was frequently the only opposition to measures"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "He cast the lone vote against" -> "He cast the only vote against"?
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • References should always come after punctuation.
I can't immediately find instances where this occurs, but I'll be happy to correct any with this improper formatting.-- Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • I'm assuming he called it "handouts for deadbeats".
My use of quotations marks echoes the original news source.--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • This is a suggestion for the entire article: Make sure your quotation mark use adheres to Wikipedia:MOS#Quotation marks. (I don't want to point out each misuse.)
I've fixed some instances, but I don't find prevalent problems as you seem to allude to. Can you be a little more specific? -- Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • I'm not quite sure why Amendment 38 is linked. Would there ever be an article on the amendment? If so, I don't think that would be the correct title.
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Does there need to be a comma in "of county staff, and told Bruce"? I don't think the "told Bruce ... " part is an independent clause. Also, should there be a [the] in the quote?
I've replaced that quote with a paraphrase which reads less awkwardly; it was the original quote.-- Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Should challenge be changed to challenges in "Bruce also lost legal challenge"?
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • In the second paragraph of the swearing in controversy, remove the comma after "Speaker Romanoff" and remove "both"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "was not recognized by Speaker Romanoff during the morning session" is not an independent clause so remove the comma before "but". Or you may add "he" before "was not recognized" and keep the comma.
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "Javier Manzano, a Rocky Mountain News photographer" -> "Javier Manzano, a Rocky Mountain News photographer,"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • I think "Bruce later accused the photographer of "violating the order and decorum" of the house and refused to apologize." sounds better than "Bruce later accused the photographer of "violating the order and decorum" of the house, refusing to apologize." (The situation is hilarious no matter how you word it :).)
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • How did Manzano respond to the controversy? Did he?
He testified to the House panel, but didn't press charges. Now included. Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "Bruce has also announced his intention to stand" -> "Bruce announced that he will stand"
Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • "and is expected to face a challenge both for the Republican nomination (from attorney Mark Waller) and in the general election (from Democrat Allison Hunter)" -> "and expects to face a challenge for both the Republican nomination (attorney Mark Waller) and the general election (Democrat Allison Hunter)." (Forgot the period! Also note that our Mark Waller is a doctor)
Since revised with new developments.Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)
  • The "free-ness" of the image is questionable. You may want to look around and see if you find this picture anywhere else.
A free-er, albeit lower-quality, image now adorns the infobox.Y Done--Sethant (talk) 20:19, 20 March 2008 (UTC)

Please leave a note on my talk page if you have any questions or comments. Good luck. Psychless 19:50, 26 February 2008 (UTC)

For the references issue, see the third paragraph of Policy positions. Also, I'm fairly sure the style for mdashes (—) is to have no space on either side. Other than those minor things, it's a great article. Psychless 17:13, 22 March 2008 (UTC)
Mdashes fixed! I'm afraid I still don't see the issues with placement of quotation marks or references that you allude to; I've gone through the whole article several times with the Manual of Style open to double-check the formatting. Perhaps if you gave specific reference numbers I could locate the mistakes more easily. -- Sethant (talk) 20:07, 22 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Cap Anson

Myself and Fabrictramp (collectively operating as "TC&FCNSCFIBBA‎") are making an effort to bring this article to GA/FA status. We want a neutral third party to evaluate how far we've come and what needs to be done prior to submitting it as a GAC/FAC. Caknuck (talk) 02:11, 26 February 2008 (UTC)

  • Please consider adding {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] DrKiernan (talk) 11:57, 26 February 2008 (UTC)
Y Done--Fabrictramp (talk) 14:54, 26 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Early life" is short. Not easy I suppose to find more data about this period and his parents.
  • "He is one of only a few players to score six runs in a game, a feat accomplished on August 24, 1886." Maybe you could cite that.
  • In "Albert Spalding and James Hart" I get the impression that the prose is not as good as it was in the previous paragraphs. I see some stubby paragraphs and samples of choppy prose ("Anson first met Albert Spalding while both were players; Spalding was a pitcher for the Rockford Forest Citys, Anson played for the Marshalltown, Iowa team.[8] Spalding convinced the 18-year-old Anson to come play for the Forest Citys at a salary of $65 per month.")
  • "In 1907, Anson made another attempt to come back to baseball, acquiring a semi-pro team in the Chicago City League, which he would call "Anson's Colts".[6][3] Anson initially had no intention of playing for the team, but in June 1907, at the age of 55, Anson started playing some games at first base in an attempt to boost poor attendance." "Anson was named vice-president of the American Bowling Congress in 1903, and led a team to the five-man national championship in 1904.[2] Anson was forced to sell the billiards hall in 1909 when faced with mounting financial problems that led to his bankruptcy.[18] Anson was also an avid golfer." Again not the best prose IMO: repetitive a choppy. Maybe an overall copy-editing would help.
  • Why citation 6 has no pages, although it is a printed source?
  • I think the "See also" section is too long. Do we really need all these links, and couldn't some of them be incorporated in the text.--Yannismarou (talk) 15:35, 10 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] William King (Royal Navy)

I would like to submit this article in the hope that I could gradually upgrade its rating to that of a Featured Article. Bill King is the oldest surviving submarine commander of the Second World War, an author, and a solo cirumnavigator.

DocDee (talk) 07:01, 19 February 2008 (UTC)


[edit] from Roger Davies

A very promising piece that would benefit from extensive revision to its structure. Here are some initial thoughts.

Family
  • Very informative but the large amount of wikilinking and large number of citations is distracting.
  • Although it's informative and well-researched, is the all the detail about his father necessary? Perhaps break some of it out into a separate article?
  • I know it's implicit but it might be worth characterising the family into which King was born: upper middle class, prosperous etc
  • Funnily enough, preparatory school does need a wikilink, I think.
  • Again, all the detail on King's wife strictly necessary in this article? It places her socially and establishes what an interesting person etc but that could easily be done in fewer words. She is clearly notable in her own right so perhaps a separate article on her with a hatnote link to her.
World War II
  • There's some backfill here which would be better in a separate section - "Early naval career" (or similar) - covering the period roughly 1927 to 1939.
  • During World War II, King served in three submarines of the Royal Navy should really be the opening sentence of this section.
  • The gallantry awards might be better in an awards and honours sub-section.
Sailing feats
  • Again the chronology darts about.
  • No mention of his writing activities. I'd be tempted to turn the bibliography section into narrative and make a section of it.
Structure
  • I think it needs to deal with events more chronologically. I found the jumping around between school and marriage then back to early naval career difficult to follow.
  • Greater use of separate sections will help this considerably. Perhaps: Family background and childhood / Early naval career / World War II / Post-war and marriage / Sailing / Solo circumnavigation / Writing career / Later life.

If you decide to restructure it, it will need a close look afterwards. I'm happy to do this if you like. If you have any questions, just ask. Keep up the good work, --ROGER DAVIES talk 05:48, 22 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Minor style points

  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article—see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Surely unnecessary - this would duplicate information already provided in the Infobox Military Person ? DocDee (talk) 21:43, 5 March 2008 (UTC)
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Build the web, years with full dates should be linked; for example, if January 15, 2006 appeared in the article, link it as January 15, 2006. This also allows permits auto-formatting of dates according to viewer's preferences.[?] Note this only applies to full dates, not when you're just mentioning the year or month (they should be left unlinked).
  • Most of your dates are in the form month-first. Day-first is more usual for British-related articles, and it should be standardised throughout the article.
  • Hyphens in date ranges should be dashes (e.g. (1939–40) not (1939-40))—see WP:DASH for more information.
  • Please stick to either Harvard references (e.g. "King lost radio contact during the race (Holm 1974:270).") or footnotes. Try not to mix styles. I recommend footnotes, given that most references are in that format. DrKiernan (talk) 13:33, 25 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Max Mosley

Current GA article looking for comments to help it improve towards FA. Subject is the president of the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, which promotes motor vehicles worldwide and is the international governing body for motorsport. The man himself has been a barrister, racing driver, team owner and sporting administrator. His father was Oswald Mosley (pre-war leader of the British Union of Fascists), and Max had some early political involvement with his father. Likely problems are neutrality and explanation of racing terminology for those new to it. Thanks in advance. 4u1e (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Diniz's comments

A few things which occur to me upon reading the article:
    • The FIA is the governing body for Formula One and other international motor sports - should motor sports be linked to Auto racing?
    • From an early age Mosley had an involvement in politics; in his teens he arranged parties for the Union Movement, his father's post-war party. - "parties" as in social functions or political organisations? A bit confusing with the same word used in the next sentence. - agreed trying 'social activities' instead.
    • In this role he drew up a legal document which is now known as the first Concorde Agreement, this agreement was put in place to settle a dispute in Formula One between Fédération Internationale du Sport Automobile (FISA) which was the ruling body of Formula One and the teams. - Try "In this role he drew up a legal document which is now known as the first Concorde Agreement. This agreement was put in place to settle a dispute in Formula One between the Fédération Internationale du Sport Automobile (FISA), which was the ruling body of Formula One, and the teams."
    • Jean-Marie Balestre should be linked in the opening paragraph. - done
    • There is often controversy surrounding Mosley's presidency of the FIA which has led to speculation on his retirement, Mosley himself announced his retirement in 2004 - another sentence break needed.
    • Both Nazi and Germany can be linked in the Family and early life paragraph. - linked as Nazi Germany
    • Their children were refused entry to several schools, due to a combination of their wildness and their parents' reputation, and were initially tutored at home instead. - a source for this sentence would be nice.
      • Covered by Dorrill p.598. I'm keen not to have refs after every sentence, but I know others feel differently! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • He met his future wife Jean Taylor at Union Movement party, they were married in 1960. - replace the comma with a semi-colon.
    • While Mosley was at University, his wife was given tickets to a race at Silverstone. - this makes me curious to know what type of race it was. Is there any possibility of finding it out?
      • It's not mentioned in any of the sources I've looked at. Tommy? 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
        • Not that i've seen Tommy turrell (talk) 20:18, 19 February 2008 (UTC)
    • racing alongside Piers Courage.[16] - who was killed in a Formula One accident two years later. - needs fixing.
    • The name March is a contrived acronym based on the initials of the founders, the 'M' stands for Mosley.[5]. - double full stop, and the comma could also be replaced by a semi-colon.
    • In motor sport teams that manufacturer and race their own cars are called a works team (also known as a factory team), a customer team runs cars that are manufactured by someone else. March producted cars for there own works team and for customer teams. - very clumsy section.
      • Better?
    • The factory also sold 40 cars to customers in various lower formulae - "40" can be replaced with "forty". - done
    • Mosley was invited to the meetings of the Grand Prix Constructors' Association (GPCA) as a representative of March, the GPCA was the forerunner of Formula One Constructors Association(FOCA). - another sentence break needed, plus a space before the bracketed abbreviation.
    • Terry Lovell, in his biography of Ecclestone, has suggested that the FIA president appointed Mosley to this role not only because of his legal ability, but "saw in Mosley the necessary diplomatic and political skills that made him perfectly suited to the establishment of the FIA." - I think this would read better if "also because he" were to be inserted before the beginning of the quotation.
    • Mosley was heavily involved in the conflict between FOCA and FISA for control of the sport: the FISA-FOCA War. - a bit redundant, as "the conflict between FOCA and FISA" can be linked to "FISA-FOCA War".
      • Cunning! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • "We were absolutely skint." - the wiktionary link can be formatted to avoid showing the hyperlink arrow.
    • A revised version, signed in 1998, still governs F1 today. This current Concorde Agreement expired on December 31, 2007 and a new one is under active discussion. - a degree of contradiction here.
    • Mosley returned to Formula One in 1986 - when did he leave, if he was involved with FOCA after March?
    • In the section on Simtek, is it worth mentioning that the team would go on to compete in F1?
      • Possibly slightly off-topic, as Mosley wasn't involved at that point. The fact that Ratzenburger drove for Simtek is mentioned later, so the information is there, if not explicit. 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • ``Now they can judge me in a year's time." - two different styles of quotation marks used.
      • Blimey - eagle eyes! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • The main article link below the FIA heading should link to Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, not FIA (redirect).
    • the use of treaded tyres to reduce cornering speeds - treaded-->grooved?
      • Do you know, I just couldn't remember what they were called. Cheers! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • which were first introduced into Formula One by the McLaren team but are currently banned by the FIA - missing full stop.
    • The Tobacco advertising section could also mention the scandal over Bernie Ecclestone's donation to the Labour Party, which is related to this topic.
      • True - will take a bit more time. 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
    • After the 2007 Formula One espionage controversy Mosley has said he thought that McLaren had been less than honest but denied that he had a problem with Ron Dennis. [62] - space between end of sentence and reference superscript.
    • The Criticism section focusses entirely on the 2005 US GP and the 2007 season - could other elements such as the criticism of the way in which rule changes are forced through on "safety grounds" or U-turns on policy such as the engine development freeze/KERS, or how "rule clarifications" are used to ban devices used by teams often after they have been passed by the race meeting scrutineers, e.g. mass dampers?
      • Yes - finding decent sources tends to be the problem. Will look. 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)
Just a few (minor) points to consider. ;)-- Diniz (talk) 20:02, 13 February 2008 (UTC)
In motor sport teams that manufacturer and race their own cars are called a works team (also known as a factory team), a customer team runs cars that are manufactured by someone else. March producted cars for there own works team and for customer teams - Sorry I have to put my hand up and take responsiblity for this mess!Tommy turrell (talk) 22:09, 13 February 2008 (UTC)
Cheers for the work, Diniz! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Cainnech of Aghaboe

I am new to this and need feedback. At the moment it is tagged with Cleanup from November 2007 and All pages needing cleanup and has a Start-Class rating on the quality scale. I want to know where to go from here to improve the article. --Okeeffe.christopher (talk) 06:55, 8 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Review by DrKiernan

Firstly, I think you've done a good job of adding references, but I do have some comments:

  • The title of the article is different from the name used in the article.
Used Cainnech name throughout article. Unless other names are relivent. Okeeffe.christopher (talk) 19:18, 8 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "settled at Glengiven in what is now County Londonderry under its chief" I don't understand this sentence.
Section has been rewritten and should be clearer. Okeeffe.christopher (talk) 19:38, 8 February 2008 (UTC)
  • The sections should be placed in chronological order.
  • "He converted his foster-brother, Geal-Breagach, who assisted him in founding a monastery at Drumachose, two miles southeast of Limavady." Repetition.
Removed
  • "Patron of" and "Other information" sections should be removed and the pertinent information integrated elsewhere in the article.
  • Amalgamate the "Notes", "References" and "Sources" sections into one section with commonly formatted references.
Now contains a References section and a Bibliography section Okeeffe.christopher (talk) 20:03, 8 February 2008 (UTC)
  • The image Image:San canizio kilkenny.jpg is missing a source.
  • I am unable to distinguish which parts of his life come from contemporary sources, and which are later inventions. This should be made clearer.
  • The article could be expanded by setting the scene: what was the status of the church at the time? Who were the main leaders? What were the trade routes? How was the economy structured? And then this could be related back to the importance of sheep, his ties with Scotland, the early church, etc. DrKiernan (talk) 10:42, 8 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Rikki Fulton

The article wasn't fleshed out before I re-wrote it. I added most of the references and built upon the existing text to create a more detailed biography of Fulton. I hope to find out what people think could be added to the article and what parts need improved. I hope to add a lot more references from Fulton's autobiography, to try and mix the types of references found. -- My Name Is URL (talk) 23:53, 3 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Review by DrKiernan

I'm concerned about the fair-use rationales on the two non-free use images: they may be too weak. The licensing on the other image is highly suspect. If the image (Image:Francie&josie.jpg) is free use, then the fair use rationales don't apply because there is a free use image with which they can be replaced. Maybe you can get around that by saying "no free use equivalent depicting him out of character" or something of the sort on the fair use items. If the image is not free use (as I strongly suspect) it's been uploaded with the wrong licensing tag, and it needs to be corrected or deleted. This is a complex issue (see Wikipedia:Image use policy and related pages). The rule of thumb is avoid any images that you think are suspicious and only use free-use ones if possible. Make any fair-use rationales as tight as possible including any and all arguments for the image's use. For example, you can only include cover art (like the autobiography) if the article contains critical commentary on the item, but you only really mention the book in passing, and the picture on the front cover is the same as the picture in the top-right corner of the article, indicating that one or other of them could replace the other. If you insert extra citations from the autobiography which adds considerably to the article or discuss how his version of events in his book differs from other sources then I feel this requirement would be satisfied.

Minor points: Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] Can you say for what he received his OBE? Was it for "services to entertainment", or did he do charity work? If the latter, include it in the article.

I would lose the external link: IMDB is already in the references and its use is controversial anyway (see Wikipedia:Citing IMDb). Personally, I don't consider it a reliable source as, like wikipedia, anyone can contribute to it and references are hardly ever given. DrKiernan (talk) 13:04, 6 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Barbara Gittings

I'm looking for feedback on this article about the gay rights activist from Philadelphia. I plan to submit for GA and would be interested to know if a FA may be possible for her. She rocks. --Moni3 (talk) 17:37, 27 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Marjory Stoneman Douglas

Douglas, the proverbial little old lady who wears a big hat, pearls, and tells you to go to hell. The simultaneous Grandmother of the Everglades and Anti-Christ, depending on who is doing the describing, is a fascinating writer and environmental activist. I'm looking for input from other editors on how to improve the article. I nominated it for GA on the same day, but sometimes that process takes a while, so I'm hoping you fine folks can give me some suggestions to make that smoother. I appreciate the effort you put in reading the article. It was most fun to research and write. --Moni3 (talk) 19:56, 26 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (numbers), there should be a non-breaking space -   between a number and the unit of measurement. For example, instead of 100 pounds, use 100 pounds, which when you are editing the page, should look like: 100 pounds.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Build the web, years with full dates should be linked; for example, if January 15, 2006 appeared in the article, link it as January 15, 2006.[?] All examples of this are in the references so I don't know whether you want to bother or not.
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”
    • Avoid misplaced formality: “in order to/for” (-> to/for), “thereupon”, “notwithstanding”, etc.
  • The script has spotted contractions outside quotes: didn't, didn't, didn't, they should be expanded.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 08:00, 29 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Joe Rice

One more in the series of Colorado legislators, a former mayor and Iraq veteran with quite an extensive private record before being elected to the state house. It was improved significantly after being featured recently in DYK, and will likely be sent up for good article review after completing peer review. -- Sethant (talk) 05:24, 25 January 2008 (UTC)

Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] The dates in the references are date first, but the dates in the article are month first. I would standardise so they are all month first. Good article. DrKiernan (talk) 08:17, 25 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Gregory R. Ball

I noticed this stub about a fairly notable and colorful State Legislator and had serious concerns about NPOV and UNDUE regarding the controversy section. In researching him, I found a great deal of information and I've tried to include as much as is notable and covered by two or more publications. I would like to get the article to a point where it can be featured as a GA. Obviously it must be vetted for accuracy, POV, and to some extent, the prose. I look forward to hearing your comments and implementing them. MrPrada (talk) 05:44, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Carom

Well done so far. A few comments:

  • If you're aiming for featured status, I would expand the lead. It should provide an overview of the entire article.
    • Y Done I expanded it to the requisite 3 paragraphs for a 40k article
  • There's an image tacked on at the very bottom, it should really be incorporated into the body of the text somewhere.
    • Y Done The wikiquote was supposed to go there, and the image in the se ealso section.
  • The links in the "see also" section should be incorporated into the main body of the text and the section should be removed.
    • Question. Is this in the MoS? I've seen other articles (especially ones on the State Assembly) that have "list of members of the State Assembly" in a See Also section. I was assuming this was the standard for all of them, so I'll leave it for now unless I hear otherwise.
  • No, it's not MOS. It's a convention that's arisen amongst the editors working on military history articles, so it's more of a preference than anything else. However, there is one MOS issue - articles linked in the main body of the article should not be re-linked in the "see also" section, so make sure not to duplicate any of them. Carom (talk) 00:40, 9 March 2008 (UTC)
  • A copy edit is needed, both to clean up some grammar, and to check for typos (like "chicken suite").
    • Partially done. I'll submit it to the league of copywriters to double check my work.
  • There's a few places where I would use different wording - "Ball did not dispute that he ran hard for his seat" is an example of the kind of phrasing that should really be cleaned up.
    • Y Done

Hopefully these comments are helpful. Carom (talk) 12:50, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

    • Definitely. Thanks a lot! MrPrada (talk) 21:42, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] AndyZ

  • LA script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 20:47, 29 February 2008 (UTC) —Preceding unsigned comment added by Geometry guy (talk • contribs)
    • Y Done

[edit] Rockfall

  • The "First term" section is enormous and hard to navigate. I notice that much of it is his position on various issues. Perhaps this could be moved to a separate section for better reference? Regardless, I feel that this needs breaking up into some sort of subdivision.
    • Y Done I split it up into four sections. I had originally planned on doing so, I guess I forgot, heh. :)
  • Very well referenced, definitely up to scratch on that score.
    • Thanks!
  • Given that he is notable for his political career, I am curious as to how he comes under the military history project, but that is another matter...
    • He was an Air Force Captain who worked in the White House. So far I haven't found too much data on that, but when I do I will expand the section. Its under MILHIST primarily for that reason.
  • In the Courage Cup section, there is no description of what the Courage Cup actually 'is'. That entire section could perhaps be expanded.
    • Y Done
  • The media file after the 2006 election section: would it not be more appropriate to place this at the end of the article, as seems to be the norm with such audio quotes?
    • Hmm, I wanted to place it as close as possible to the "Most dysfunctional legislature" section of the article. Is there an MoS for audio quotes?

Hope that is helpful. Rockfall (talk) 15:29, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

Very. Thank you! MrPrada (talk) 21:42, 6 March 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Grover Cleveland

I was hoping to submit this for FA, but wanted someone else to review it first to help make sure it's ready to go. Coemgenus 15:08, 24 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Some minor points

  • Repetition of the family surname in "Cleveland was the fifth of nine children born to Richard and Ann Cleveland" and "The Clevelands had five children: Ruth Cleveland (1891–1904); Esther Cleveland (1893–1980); Marion Cleveland (1895–1977); Richard Folsom Cleveland (1897–1974); and Francis Grover Cleveland (1903–1995)." is slightly tedious.
  • The sections on Supreme Court appointments and Utah's admission to the Union are very short. I would either turn them into infoboxes or merge them with other sections.
  • The secondary sources lack publisher information, but the section is already lengthy, so I don't know whether adding them would be worthwhile.
  • I enjoyed reading the article, it held my interest all the way through. DrKiernan (talk) 15:29, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Huldrych Zwingli

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I am requesting a peer review before taking the article to WP:FAC. OK, reading a long article on a sixteenth century theologian might sound pretty dull. But then maybe this article might convince you otherwise. If not, then at least tell me why!

Thanks, RelHistBuff (talk) 17:47, 6 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Semi-automated review

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 02:25, 9 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] John Carter

Lead might be a bit long, particularly the first paragraph's content regarding the subject's academic career, unless there's evidence that he is in some way notable for his academic career, which doesn't seem indicated. It would probably help if you indicated Wildhaus was in Switzerland. Not sure if Henry Wolfllin really merits being included by name, as there seems no content on him at present. Linking citations directly to content being sourced, rataher than always at the end of the paragraph, might help as well. For FAs, it generally helps to have at least two reference citationss per paragraph, by the way. Might bear some pruning in some sections, but I'm not knowledgable enough about the subject one way or another to be sure of that. John Carter (talk) 22:36, 17 February 2008 (UTC)
Thanks for your comments. I reduced the lead section. The universities are mentioned because they were centres of particular types of studies (humanism in Basel for example) and scholars mention these centres as early influences on Zwingli. I debated about giving out the names of Wölfllin and Bünzli, but since both Gäbler and Potter named them, I thought that wouldn't do much harm. As you noticed, each paragraph has a cite because each are summaries of several pages of text from the sources. When there are two cites to a paragraph, it means the two sources gave the same content. Sometimes there are statements that came from only one source. In that case I added a cite on the sentence. If there are specific statements that ought to be cited individually, then please point them out and I will add the cites. As for pruning, the article is not overly long compared to other FAs, but perhaps "Early years" and "Music" are candidates for some editing. --RelHistBuff (talk) 10:41, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Although his name is practically forgotten". What do you mean by that? He is well-known. Do you mean that there are not as many followers of his religious views nowadays as Lutheranists and Calvinists.
The clause is taken straight out of Gäbler. I believe his statement referred to the fact that the average person who worships in a Christian church (whether Catholic, Lutheran, Reformed, etc.) would instantly recognise the names of "Luther" and "Calvin". But "Zwingli" would often draw up a question mark. Concerning his "followers", the legacy section gives some explanations. To explain, you may notice that there are "Lutheran" churches, but no "Calvinist" churches. Those who follow Calvinism are called Reformed churches and they trace their heritage to several sources. Zwingli is considered to be the pioneer. However his impact on the church order, confession, liturgy, and theology comes largely through Bullinger and Calvin. But Zwingli's name is largely forgotten, which is unfortunate! There is a nice, complete explanation on the Reformed Church of Zürich's website (unfortunately in German only, under Zwinglis heutige Bedeutung) --RelHistBuff (talk) 07:55, 19 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "He perfected his Greek and took up the study of Hebrew. He read widely from classical, patristic, and scholastic sources. He exchanged scholarly letters among a circle of Swiss humanists. He studied the writings" I don't like that much the prose here. A bit choppy and no variety of expressions.
  • Similar comments here: "He specifically rejected the veneration of saints and called for the need to distinguish between their true and fictional accounts. He casted doubts on hellfire and asserted that unbaptised children were not damned. He questioned the power of excommunication. He attacked the claim that tithing was a divine institution."
  • "his was nearly two years after Martin Luther published his Ninety-five theses. The council of Zürich refused Sanson entry into the city. The authorities in Rome were anxious to contain the fire started by Luther. The Bishop of Constance denied any support of Sanson and he was recalled." Again a bit choppy IMO.
  • Some of your captions could be a bit more informative. E.g. in the photo of "First rifts (1522-1524)". How old is he here? Who pictured him?
  • Again:"Luther and Philipp Melanchthon arrived shortly thereafter. Other theologians also participated. The debates were held from 1-3 October.".
Many thanks for your comments. I will work on these. I really appreciate more criticism on the prose (as you can see in my introduction above)! --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:02, 19 February 2008 (UTC)
I think I have taken care of all five items now. --RelHistBuff (talk) 15:51, 20 February 2008 (UTC)
  • I don't know if you need the "See also" section. Some if these links could be within the text. E.g. zwinglianism.
I hesitate wikilinking Zwinglianism. As stated in the legacy section, there is no agreed definition of "Zwinglianism". It was someone else who put a redirect of Zwinglianism to Theology of Huldrych Zwingli. The Theology article and an article on Zwinglianism are really not the same! I much prefer using "Theology of Huldrych Zwingli" because it makes no claim what is "Zwinglianism", but simply describes his theology. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:50, 19 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "Although his name is practically forgotten, Zwingli's legacy lives on in the basic confessions of the Reformed churches of today.[62] He can rightfully be called, after Luther and Calvin, the "Third Man of the Reformation." Besides my question on the substance above, this is exactly the same wording you use in the lead. Not a nice repetition.
Changed the lead now. It was a bit of laziness on my part as I hurriedly wrote the lead after working on the article. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:15, 19 February 2008 (UTC)

In general, a very nice article.--Yannismarou (talk) 18:45, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

Thanks! If you see more bad prose, please don't hesitate to comment! --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:57, 19 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Roger Davies

Overall.
  • Very comprehensive article, I thought.
  • It would be good to see more material characterising Zwingli, to help bring him to life. We learn from the article that he was enjoyed music and was popular with children. Is there more on this? Did he have a sense of humour? A temper?
I added some details in the Legacy section --RelHistBuff (talk) 14:05, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Citations: I'm not sure about citing at the end of paragraphs. With so much material covered in a paragraph, it's unclear what is referenced to whom. I'd prefer to see more citations at sentence end.
I will add cites as I add content and if there are any controversial statements I will also add cites to the sentences. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:08, 28 February 2008 (UTC)
About content
  • Wasn't Zwingli père the village magistrate?
Yes, he was. I will add that fact. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:08, 28 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Zwingli placed himself solidly on the side of the Roman See. Perhaps expand to include his early attacks on the moral corruption of the clergy. These, I think, touched popular concerns and the pope - playig to the gallery - responded with promotion.
  • In return, Pope Julius II honoured Zwingli by providing him an annual pension. I thought Julius appointed him as a papal chaplain with an annual papal stipend. If so, this could explained and run on the following sentence.
I looked up the sources and there are two events. While Zwingli was in Glarus (before Julius II died in 1513), the pope gave him an annual pension of 50 gulden for his support, i.e., Zwingli supported sending mercenary troops from Glarus to Julius II, so in effect he was part of the pension system that he would eventually disown. Zwingli was also appointed papal chaplain, but that was in 1518 when he was in Einsiedeln, Schwyz. The office was assigned ritual duties, but only if he was in Rome, which Zwingli never was. --RelHistBuff (talk) 18:31, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Zwingli found himself in a difficult position. Perhaps explain what this was?
I put in "papal partisan" to describe Zwingli. Basically, it was the shift from the pope to France that forced Zwingli to leave. I hope it is clear now. --RelHistBuff (talk) 09:57, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
  • he began to exegete the Gospel of Matthew, reading through the book serially. Perhaps a more accessible explanation? Exegete > appraise? What does "serially" mean in this context?
Fixed. --RelHistBuff (talk) 16:27, 28 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Perhaps mention the death of his brother (1520?) I thought this, along with the plague, were spiritually (re)defining moments?
The death of Andreas Zwingli by the plague is mentioned in the sources (Gäbler said that he died in Glarus). Gäbler mentioned it in an earlier chapter, separate from describing the Zürich outbreak and the Pestlied, so it is somewhat hard to link the two events as a defining moment. --RelHistBuff (talk) 10:14, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Wasn't Zwingli given favoured status to preach the "true scriptures" in Zurich at about this time?
  • I thought the connections between the reformation with social reform and redistribution of resources were very helpful to contextualise the Reformation, especially as it is often discussed in isolation. Perhaps more material to remind us of the socio-economic context: increasing
Another reviewer had mentioned about providing a context section. I am preparing one now. There were a lot of political issues running in the background as well. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:12, 28 February 2008 (UTC)
Added new context section. Hopefully it helps the reader to see the whole picture. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:13, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
Added a sentence with a cite about his concerns for the poor in the legacy section. --RelHistBuff (talk) 14:11, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
  • The theology section struck me as choppy.
Yes, it was only recently put together. Will improve this. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:08, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

Very promising article. Well done, --ROGER DAVIES talk 07:15, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

Thanks a lot for your comments! I will respond to each item as I get through them. --RelHistBuff (talk) 08:08, 28 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Princess Helena of the United Kingdom

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I've listed this article for peer review because I wish to get it up to FA status, so any comments against the FA criteria will be useful. :) Thanks, PeterSymonds | talk 14:39, 22 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] SGGH

Hey, I have responded to your request on my talk page. My points below are ordered in the same way as what they refer to is in the article.

Specifics

  • The first two paragraphs should be combined I feel, they are too short when apart.
    • I see what you mean. I've combined 2 and 3 instead, as paragraph 1 is meant to be a short and snappy general info/notability paragraph. I've used the same in other royal articles I've written, but if you feel it should be changed I'll see what the British Royalty director says about it.
  • I feel the opening sentence should read "The Princess Helena (Helena Augusta Victoria: Princess Christian of Schleswig-Holstein by marriage..." and make sure the semi colon currently there is changed to a colon, which I assume is what is meant to be there?
    • Hmm, interesting. I've changed it.
  • Wikilink Germany in its first instance
    • Addressed.
  • "In her teenage years" - is there a way to be more specific?
    • Addressed.
  • Wikilink England and Scotland
    • Addressed.
  • "nature of the relationship is largely unknown" this ought to be cited
    • Addressed.
  • What is a helpmeet?
    • Unofficial secretary. I've changed it.
  • "Princess Helena began an early flirtation with her father's former librarian, Carl Ruland." (first line of marriage controversy") that sentence ends abruptly, may want to merge it with the second sentence and re-jiggle it.
    • Addressed.
  • Take a look at WP:DASH to make sure you are using all the dashes correctly
    • I'll work on these.
  • Re-paragraph "Engagement and wedding" I would, these two sentence paragraphs ought to be combined into others.
    • Addressed.
  • "Simple life" is a bit of a general, intangible title for a section?
    • Addressed.
  • "caused distress to the royal family." at the end of "simple life" are there any specifics?
    • Addressed. Unfortunately I don't have specifics; but I've quoted the royal circular. The circular doesn't go into detail.
  • "British Nurses' Association" in "Nursing" section, is there a wikilink for this?
    • No. I would start it but I haven't got time right now. Also I'm no expert on nursing so it might not be wise :)
  • "one contemporary newspaper" in the needle work section, you could name the paper as long as you kept "contemporary" in there.
    • Oops, book. I've added the author but I can't find anything about him. Chomet
  • Perhaps change "author" to "writing"? If you are an author, your interests are "writing" not "author" and the section title just feels like it should be the name of the interest not the role of the subject. Just a feeling, go with what you think is right but I wonder if you get the same feeling as I do.
    • Quite right. Addressed.
  • "Quiet life" has the same issues as a section heading as "simple life" does
  • On my screen, the location of the image of the grave at the end of "later years" interferes with the Saxe-Coburg template in the section below, leaving it an inch or so from the edge of the page. You just need to move the grave image up and perhaps make it larger.
    • How odd. I've moved the photo up, but I've not specified a size as its supposed to resize itself in other browsers.
  • In the arms section, perhaps more on what the symbols mean?
    • I have no idea! I'll contact Ipankonin (talk · contribs) who specialises in that sort of thing (and put all the arms on the pages)

General points

  • The lead a good five or so more citations I feel, and the overall article could do with ten or so. If you feel personally that you have over-cited your article, that's probably a good indicator that you have cited just right.
    • Five refs in the lead? I don't see how its necessary because everything's referenced further on. Let me know what you think should be referenced in the main article.
  • Read WP:CAPTION ideally the information in the caption should lend more understanding than a mere 5 word summary of the image.
    • I'll work on these.
  • The references section, you may wish to organise it into website and written sources, as per (and I pick ones I have written only because I know it exhibits this organisation) Operation Camargue or Mozambican War of Independence
    • Added an external links section.

That's all I can find at the moment, it is an excellent article, you cover everything I can think of and write well, lots of images. Don't feel that it's a problematic article just because I haven't mentioned what's good about it. Everything above is minor. Hope this helps, SGGH speak! 15:25, 22 February 2008 (UTC)

I've already corrected the few minor things that I found issue with. You shouldn't have any major problems at FAC (assuming no major part of her life was omitted). Great article. --mav (talk) 17:56, 23 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Frank Drowota

I have added bio details from a new source. Wondering whether this one would still be considered a stub or not. I'll see what anyone says before removing that designation.

Tom Wood (talk) 21:57, 13 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • This article has no images! Please see if there are any free use images that fall under the Wikipedia:Image use policy and fit under one of the Wikipedia:Image copyright tags that can be uploaded. To upload images on Wikipedia, go to Special:Upload; to upload non-fair use images on the Wikimedia Commons, go to commons:special:upload.[?]
  • You may wish to consider adding an appropriate infobox for this article. [?]
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • This article is a bit too short, and therefore may not be as comprehensive as WP:WIAFA critera 1(b) is looking for. Please see if anything can be expanded upon.[?] For example, are there any notable cases or legal decisions that he was involved in? Any details of his active service?
  • This article would benefit from footnotes, or inline citations, so that each statement can be referenced to a specific source. The cite.php format is recommended by WP:WIAFA, but this can be complicated. Put simply, enclose inline citations, with WP:CITE or WP:CITE/ES information, with <ref>THE FOOTNOTE</ref>. At the bottom of the article, in a section named “References” or “Footnotes”, add {{reflist}}.[?]
  • There are too few incoming links to the article. See if you can add links to this article from other ones.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 11:37, 23 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Annie Russell

Hello Reviewers!

Shortly after joining Wikipedia a few months ago, I began to look for a stub article that I could work on and improve. I did not have much luck at first, but I stumbled upon the Annie Russell article, which hadn't had a sizable edit for quite a while.

So, as this is/was my first attempt at improving upon an article on Wiki. (Yes, I realize my IP address is the one that did the two huge edits, but that's an entirely different story). In any event, I want to get this article up to GA status, and hopefully learn a thing or two about the whole grooming/editing process in addition to learning more about Wikipedia for future edits. Thank you for taking the time to read and assess!! Galaxy250 (talk) 05:04, 23 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

Good work. I think you should expand the lead per WP:LEAD so that it includes mention of her most notable performances and summarizes the whole of her life, rather than used as a prelude to give details of her childhood. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 08:49, 23 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Geoffrey Pyke

I have extensively re-written this article and I think it is shaping up rather nicely. Perhaps, GA status.

Can other contributors find additional sources and/or suitable images?

Gaius Cornelius (talk) 14:30, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • You may wish to expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The article should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should adequately summarize the article.[?]
  • This article has no images! Please see if there are any free use images that fall under the Wikipedia:Image use policy and fit under one of the Wikipedia:Image copyright tags that can be uploaded or used. To upload images on Wikipedia, go to Special:Upload; to upload non-fair use images on the Wikimedia Commons, go to commons:special:upload.[?]
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  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 14:56, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Robert McGill Loughridge

I've been working on this article for a while now and I would like to make this a Featured Article. I think it's close to being a FA candidate, but I'd like to get someone else's point of view on how to make it better. Thanks Alot,--Cal (talk) 08:13, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Semi-automated review

:Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] DrKiernan (talk) 08:37, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

  • Added Person Data along with all perameters--Cal (talk) 20:10, 22 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • Inconsistent wikilinking of years. In general: We do not link single years; only full dates. Check WP:MoS. -I removed all wiki-links to single years.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "Loughridge professed his religious faith with he was twenty-two". "With" or "when"? -Fixed the spelling and changed it to "when".--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "the building was admirably arranged, for a boarding school for both boys and girls". "Admirably" according to which source? -Fixed quotation and citied the quote.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • Stylistic and maybe subjective: The first paragraph of "Tullahassee Mission" looks huge to me and not well-balanced with the other two of the section. Maybe you could divide it. -Divided the first large paragrahp into two smaller ones.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "The Tullahassee Mission continued to grow and do a job in educating the children of the Creek Nation until July 10, 1861, when it was suddenly closed." Why? Any explanation? -Gave reason and explanded why.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "A large and magnificent brick building". Again, avoid such strong expressions like "magnificent", and in case you insist on using them, cite them. -reworded the sentence.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • "Even through all of the good and bad times, ..." I don't like this kind of expressions. This is an encyclopedic article; not a fairy tale. -I agree, reworeded the sentence to be more like an encyclopedia article.--CPacker (talk) 23:54, 18 February 2008 (UTC)
  • The article relies most on one source, which is, by the way, an autobiography and not a secondary source: Loughridge R.M. "Autobiographical Sketch" (1891) (for which by the way I don't see full data neither pages). Try to vary a bit more your sources if possible! I know it is tough but it would help.--Yannismarou (talk) 18:13, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Stigand

I would welcome any suggestions that would help me take this article to Featured Article status. Ealdgyth | Talk 03:54, 18 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "He was definitely of mixed English and Scandanavian stock.". I don't see why "definitely" is necessary in this sentence.
  • "On April 3, 1043[5] he was consecrated bishop.[6] " Why two citations in such a short sentence? Combine them in one. The same here: "At a Council held at Winchester at Easter 1070,[34] the bishops met with papal legates from Alexander II.[35]"
  • Not all your sources are properly formatted. For instance in this source: "Walker, Ian Harold: The Last Anglo-Saxon King Wrens Park Publishing 2000 ISBN 0-905-778-464 p. 49" you don't use the Template:cite book as you do in the previous source. As a result, the placing of the pages is not consistent.
  • "Since Stigand retained Winchester, he was definitely a pluralist." Again this "definitely", and this time without any citation. Maybe you should rephrase.
  • "He had been an avaricious man and a great pluralist, holding the bishopric of Winchester after he became archbishop of Canterbury, in addition to several abbeys." First "avaricious" is POV - say that he is characterized as "avaricious" by the X or Z historians. Secondly, I think you have already said in the lead and in the main text that he held the bishopric of Winchester after he became archbishop of Canterbury. Don't be repetitive.

Nice article and well-researched!--Yannismarou (talk) 17:59, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Mar Roxas

Article (Edit|History) • Article talk (Edit|History) • Watch article • Watch peer review

I've listed this article for peer review because I want to ensure that this article is in neutral point of view. I also want to suggest on what parts of the article are in need of improvements and in need of revisions. I also want this to be listed as a Good Article and hopefully as a Featured Article.

Thanks,

Kevin Ray (talk) 04:55, 17 January 2008 (UTC)

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[edit] Patti Smith

Article (Edit|History) • Article talk (Edit|History) • Watch article • Watch peer review

"History" section in biography is small. --Vlad (talk) 23:43, 14 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Semi-automated review

Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] JS 08:26, 15 January 2008 (UTC)

Done --Vlad (talk) 04:17, 16 January 2008 (UTC)
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[edit] 4u1e's comments

  • Are the last two sentences of the first para of 'Early years' the right way round? She worked in a factory before or while at school?
  • "In 1967 she left New Jersey for good, moved to New York City and met photographer Robert Mapplethorpe while working at a book store." Suggest the sentence should break after "City", and merge the rest into the next sentence: she didn't move there with the express purpose of meeting him, surely?
  • The two music samples spread out of their box and overlap the text on my setup (Firefox v2 on Windows XP. 1280 x 1024 resolution).
  • "However, several of its songs, notably "Pissing in a River", have stood the test of time," You might need a stronger ref for this, or a re-word to simply state that she still performs them.
  • Ref 11 doesn't seem to support the text preceding it.
  • Is it necessary to repeat "Sonic" at Fred Smith's second appearance?
  • " Her son had a band called Back In Spades." This sentence doesn't seem to have any link to those before or after it, can a more suitable home be found for it?
  • What is CBGB?
  • "She took the stage at 9:30 p.m. (EDT) and closed for the night (and forever for the venue) at a few minutes after 1:00, after performing a medley of "Horses" and "Gloria", and finally her song "Elegie", while reading a list of punk rock musicians and advocates who had died in the previous years" Couple of things that confuse me here. Firstly, she was on for 3½ hours, but the sentence reads as if all she did in that time was a medley of Horses/Gloria/Elegie. Secondly, she performed Elegie while reading list of deceased punk musicians? If she wasn't singing, how was she performing?
  • Are the last two paras of 'Re-emergence' too long in relation to the coverage of the rest of her career? Particularly in the last para, a lot of space is given to a single performance.
  • "All the other inductees to the Hall that night joined: Sammy Hagar and Mike Anthony of Van Halen, the Ronettes, Grandmaster Flash and Furious Five and R.E.M. including Bill Berry on drums." This doesn't make sense. What is meant?
  • 'Current events': reads like an advert. Can the tone be neutralised a bit?
  • "Smith has been an active supporter of the Green Party" Is she still a supporter? If so suggest: "Smith is a long-time supporter of the Green Party."
  • In general a good, informative article, which could be improved by some tightening up on referencing, and more precise use of words. Well, that's what I think, anyway. Cheers. 4u1e (talk) 18:21, 13 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Smith is perhaps most widely known for the song "Because the Night". I am not sure if "perhaps" here should be used.
  • Three paragraphs in the lead, and the first first one stubby. Why not just two concise paragraphs?
  • "She was influential in the birth of the punk movement with her 1975". You could link some music years: 1975.
  • We do not know the names of her parents?
  • "In 1988 she released album Dream of Life. In 1994 Fred Smith died. Shortly afterward ... " A bit choppy IMO.
  • "She toured briefly with Bob Dylan in December 1995". Month-year not linked - month-year-date linked. Single years are only linked in special chronologies, such as x year in music. But here ("From March 28 to June 22, 2008 the Fondation Cartier"), where you should link, you don't! Read WP:MoS.

I enjoyed reading the article. Maybe some further expansion with more assessments of her music and style throughout the article would help.--Yannismarou (talk) 17:29, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Dirk Nowitzki

Recently, I rewrote the Dirk Nowitzki article from scratch, centering around the biography of this NBA basketball player. Chensiyuan helped me with his copyedits. I want to make it a FA in the future, and hope to find a fertile source of constructive criticism here. —Onomatopoeia (talk) 11:59, 11 January 2008 (UTC)

To be precise I didn't copyedit all that much, just did some minor cleaning up (formatting, refs, wc, etc.) and wikilinked where appropriate. An experienced copyeditor would be appreciated here. Chensiyuan (talk) 15:31, 11 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Semi-automated review

This is what the bot said:

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program, and might not be applicable for the article in question.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. —Onomatopoeia (talk) 10:03, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Regarded as one of the best European players in basketball history". By whom exactly? Cite or this is POV.
  • "he stated that "Dirk Nowitzki is the greatest German basketball talent of the last 10, maybe 15 years". Always cite quotes. The same here "Nowitzki said: "I was so frustrated I even contemplated going back to Germany… [the jump from Second Bundesliga to the NBA] was like jumping out of an airplane hoping the parachute would somehow open.""
  • "In addition, his best friend Nash became a valuable point guard, and with Finley scoring more than ever, pundits were calling this trio the "Big Three" of the Mavericks." What pundits? Cite.
  • I am not sure if the "NBA career statistics" are well-placed there. In most articles, statistics go after the end of the whole main text. But I suppose this is not the strictest rule in the world!
  • "Nowitzki was born into an athletic family. Both his mother Helga and his father Jörg-Werner were professional handball players who represented Germany in international games." I read exactly the same sentence in the beginning of the article!

Very nice article, and I liked a lot the prose (although I got a bit tired and bored in "Mark Cuban and the "Big Three" (1999–2004)" reading about one play-off game after the other!), which is something I don't often say about athletes' bios!--Yannismarou (talk) 17:47, 18 February 2008 (UTC)

  • Thanks for the feedback, it is appreciated and will be incorporated into the article. —Onomatopoeia (talk) 10:07, 21 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Tyrone Wheatley

This article just passed at WP:GA. I want to take it to WP:FAC ASAP. Please prvoide feedback here to help toward that end.TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTD) 14:42, 8 January 2008 (UTC)

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[edit] Ellen Roberts

Another in my series of Colorado legislators. This one turned out a bit longer than most because there was quite a bit of excellent coverage about her from local news outlets. After going through peer review (and acquiring a free image), I plan on sending it up for good article review. -- Sethant (talk) 03:24, 6 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Joseph Szigeti

I've been working on this article for a while now and my eventual goal is to get it up to Featured Article status. I think it's getting close to being a potential FA candidate, but I'd like any input on how to make it better. Thanks, K. Lásztocskatalk 19:51, 3 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • The lead of this article may be too long, or may contain too many paragraphs. Please follow guidelines at WP:LEAD; be aware that the lead should adequately summarize the article.[?]
  • The first section looks a little crowded with the images and music sample.
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months and days of the week generally should not be linked. Years, decades, and centuries should only be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 18:00, 4 January 2008 (UTC)

Thanks. Anything else? K. Lásztocskatalk 04:38, 7 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Bernie Ward

The article, Bernie Ward, is a good candidate for good article status. When I first began editing the article after it was mentioned at WP:WQA, the article was in a pretty sorry condition. There were numerous BLP errors, lapses in citations, POV-pushing, and many other deficiencies. These have been corrected through much work and discussion.

The primary concern at the moment is if enough weight has been placed on Bernie Ward's history outside of the recent criminal allegations. For this to be promoted to GA status, the weight needs to be distributed equally, and I would like confirmation on that, or if there is an error, please provide a method of correction.

Thanks, Seicer (talk) (contribs) 06:23, 3 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program.

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[edit] Jonathan Pryce

I've worked a lot on this article and i would really like to make it a FA, therefore, feedback is most cordially requested.

Yamanbaiia(free hugs!) 01:12, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • See WP:DASH for the syle guidelines on use of hyphens and dashes.
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Please make the spelling of English words consistent with either American or British spelling, depending upon the subject of the article. Examples include: favorite (A) (British: favourite), isation (B) (American: ization), modeling (A) (British: modelling), programme (B) (American: program ).

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 12:10, 3 January 2008 (UTC)

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Ruhrfisch ><>°° 02:08, 5 January 2008 (UTC)
These are all ok, but thank you Ruhrfisch.Yamanbaiia(free hugs!) 02:14, 5 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] James Chichester-Clark, Baron Moyola

This article is an important one. Am initially hoping to get it rated B or GA and ultimately featured. Suggestions on how to progress the article will be useful to all involved in WP:UNIONISM - Traditional unionist (talk) 17:53, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program, and might not be applicable for the article in question.

  • For FA status you would need to expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The article should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should adequately summarize the article.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months and days of the week generally should not be linked. Years, decades, and centuries can be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]Y Done
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”
  • Please ensure that the article has gone through a thorough copyediting so that it exemplifies some of Wikipedia's best work. See also User:Tony1/How to satisfy Criterion 1a.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 11:55, 3 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Connie Talbot

I've listed this article for peer review because I feel it is around good article level, and wondered if anyone had comments before I nominate. I started editing the article because I had followed Britain's Got Talent, then started referencing it to adhere to WP:BLP concerns that were raised. I then realised I had started it, so I may as well 'finish' it, and so wrote it up to the current standard. I have no specific concerns, but any comments anyone has are extremely welcome. Thanks, J Milburn (talk) 15:57, 26 December 2007 (UTC)

Since the nomination, I have nominated for good article status. Comments are still very welcome, and it will probably be a while until it is reviewed anyway, due to the backlog. J Milburn (talk) 17:18, 3 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Review by DrKiernan

The following suggestions were generated with the aid of a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • I would shift the fair use image, to the top right corner of the article, inside the infobox.[?]
    • N Not done An image in the infobox would have to be a free image. The fair use image is specifically to show what she looked like during Britain's Got Talent. There has already been a fair fuss about that image, and it's really going to have to stay where it is to comply with our fair use rules. I have contacted someone (not sure if it is a webmaster, publicist or whatever) and requested a free picture, so fingers crossed! J Milburn (talk) 18:37, 28 December 2007 (UTC)
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Build the web, years with full dates should be linked; for example, if 15 January, 2006 appeared in the article, link it as 15 January 2006.[?]
  • As per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), dates shouldn't use th; for example, instead of (if such appeared in the article) using 30th January was a great day, use 30 January was a great day.[?]
  • Please ensure that the dates are all in the same format; some are day first, others are month first. For a British-related subject matter, they should all be day first.
    • Y Done

Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 17:56, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

    • Thanks for the review! J Milburn (talk) 18:37, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Skeeker

I've never reviewed anything before so I'm not sure if I missed anything important, but, the only thing I can see that should be fixed is: "show singing The Wizard of Oz's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow".[3]", the link to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" is a redirect, maby put this in place: "[[Over the Rainbow|Somewhere Over the Rainbow]]". I'm not sure if redirects are bad, but I personally like the original link, and the T in "The" shouldn't by capitalised. I hope I can help a little, I've never reviewed before this, but it is an interesting article and looks good.
Thank you,
Burningclean [Speak the truth!] 03:31, 30 December 2007 (UTC)

    • Y Done Fixed to correct, and correctly formatted, title. Thanks for the review! J Milburn (talk) 14:07, 30 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] M3tal H3ad

  • but was eventually beaten by - no need for "eventually" (redundant!)and i don't like the word "but", how about - although was beaten by...
  • she was signed temporarily with Sony BMG, but the label then dropped her. - saying temporarily and being dropped by the label is redundant?
    • Y Done Removed "temporarily". J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)
  • which was released November 26, 2007 in the UK. - released on November...?
  • The first single from the album, "Over the Rainbow"/"White Christmas", has been released, saying a single is released is redundant
    • Y Done That comes from the fact information was added as it was published. J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)
  • "lost out" doesn't give the encyclopedic vibe
  • "£1 million-link the pound or euro? sign
  • Simon Cowell is linked twice closely and his fullname is used twice in succession
  • Rainbow Recording Company, an offshoot of record label Rhythm Riders made specifically for Connie,[2] was due to release Connie's first album on November 26, 2007,[9] and it was later reported that the album was named Over the Rainbow, and the first single, "Over the Rainbow"/"White Christmas", was due to be released on December 3, 2007. This is one sentence :O suggest splitting after November 26, 2007
  • November 16, 2007. full date need linking
  • was certified Gold in early - I'm not sure here but should "gold" be capitalized?
    • Y Done Though I have linked to this article, I have realised that I should be linking to the British equivilent, here, and the BPI doesn't capitalise on its website, so I will remove the capitalisation. J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)
  • on This Morning - on the daytime television show This Morning, just like the nightclub thing with Metallica ;p
    • Y Done I suppose that's fine, as I had linked to the programme above. J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)
  • is the same song that she sang at her grandmother's funeral.
  • Over The Rainbow links to Over the Rainbow
    • Y Done Skeeker mentioned that, seems I missed the discog section... J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)
  • Categories in alphabetical order
    • Y Done That's never occurred to me... J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

You should of left me a message on my talk page ;p M3tal H3ad (talk) 05:39, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

    • I will next time! Thanks very much for the review. J Milburn (talk) 13:59, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Ruhrfisch

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:04, 5 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Read it, but it didn't help much. Dates are fine, working on an image and have had a few people read through it. J Milburn (talk) 11:48, 5 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Emilio Garcia Gomez

  • 1. Suggestions for improving the article.
  • 2. The initial review was helpful in that it caused a reworking of the article: the "Life and Works" section was divided into two sections, and the sequence in which the information was presented was refashioned. This has improved the article's clarity and ease of comprehension. So, it should be elevated regarding the quality assessment. Elfelix (talk) 22:13, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript review

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 17:49, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Lena Phoenix

What I hope to achieve with this peer review.

  • Resolve the issue of the article's notability requirements
  • Make improvements to bring the article up to Biography WikiProject's B-Class, or better, by receiving suggestions from the reviewers or by improvements done by other contributers
  • Get the article's Class formally assessed

Navy.enthusiast (talk) 11:50, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript reviewer

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

  • Needs expansion! Please see if anything can be expanded upon.[?]
  • Instead of just linking to the reviews, summarise them and use the external links as footnoted references. Be sure to include both good and bad reviews.
  • As done in WP:FOOTNOTE, footnotes usually are located right after a punctuation mark (as recommended by the CMS, but not mandatory), such that there is no space in between. For example, the sun is larger than the moon [2]. is usually written as the sun is larger than the moon.[2][?]
  • Please see Wikipedia:Image use policy, I don't think your sayso that Lena sent you the image by e-mail is sufficient. She may need to send an e-mail to wikipedia confirming that the image may be used.
  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings), avoid capitalizing words in section headings unless they are proper nouns or the first word of the heading.[?]
  • Please reorder/rename the last few sections to follow guidelines at Wikipedia:Guide to layout.[?]
  • Please ensure that the article has gone through a thorough copyediting so that it exemplifies some of Wikipedia's best work. See also User:Tony1/How to satisfy Criterion 1a.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 17:45, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Lonnie Mack

Although I'm not the main editor, the article has in fact been written mostly by one person, a neophyte editor: Slp512. My role has just been formatting and generally tidy-up duties.

Personally I think it has the makings of a GA article at the very least, as such I'd be grateful for suggestions from the experts :) --WebHamster 15:39, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript reviewer

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program, and might not be applicable for the article in question.

  • Consider adding more links to the article; per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (links) and Wikipedia:Build the web, create links to relevant articles.[?]
  • If there is not a free use image in the top right corner of the article, please try to find and include one.[?]
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings), headings generally do not start with articles ('the', 'a(n)'). For example, if there was a section called ==The Biography==, it should be changed to ==Biography==.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings), headings generally should not repeat the title of the article. For example, if the article was Ferdinand Magellan, instead of using the heading ==Magellan's journey==, use ==Journey==.[?]
  • There are a few occurrences of weasel words in this article- please observe WP:AWT. Certain phrases should specify exactly who supports, considers, believes, etc., such a view. For example,
    • Matt is considered a pivotal figure
    • should be provided with proper citations.[?]
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”
  • The script has spotted the following contractions: didn't, isn't, if these are outside of quotations, they should be expanded.
  • As done in WP:FOOTNOTE, footnotes usually are located right after a punctuation mark (as recommended by the CMS, but not mandatory), such that there is no space in between. For example, the sun is larger than the moon [2]. is usually written as the sun is larger than the moon.[2][?]
  • Please ensure that the article has gone through a thorough copyediting so that it exemplifies some of Wikipedia's best work. See also User:Tony1/How to satisfy Criterion 1a.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 17:33, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] As I Lay Dying (band)

Rewritten in the past 2 days by myself, would like helpful comments to fix any errors for GA status. M3tal H3ad (talk) 05:36, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] LuciferMorgan

  • Comments
  • "As I Lay Dying began touring to promote the new record making appearances at Hell on Earth, Winter Headline Tour, Ozzfest, and a tour with Slipknot and Unearth." - The word "by" is missing.
  • "At the fee of $US75,000 the band could of chose to perform on the headliners stage but refused the offer as they thought it was not worth the money.[12]" - "Could of chose" should be "could have chosen".
  • "William York of All Music Guide thought the band "doesn't really add anything new to the mix from a musical standpoint", with the release, although praised it for being "solid enough and well executed, and the production is adequate".[8]" - Why is there an unnecessary comma after the first quote? Isn't necessary.
  • "Sherwin Frias of Jesus Freak Hideout had similar sentiments and commented "As I Lay Dying didn't exactly break many boundaries in making this record", although praised that "each track is executed so well (and with such precision) that nary a song misses its target".[9]" - "Praised that"? The sentence doesn't work.
  • "In June of the same year Shadows Are Security was released, and album debuted at number 1 on the Top Independent Albums, and was the band's first release to enter the Billboard 200 at number 35.[7]" - Firstly, the sentence is too long. Secondly, it's awkward. It could be "Shadows Are Security was released in June of the same year..". For those unfamiliar, is this their third studio album? Fourth? Fifth? Remember, not all of us are familiar the group in question.
  • "In 2007, As I Lay Dying started recording a new album titled An Ocean Between Us. The album was released on August 21, 2007, and debuted at number 8 on the Billboard 200, and number 1 on the Top Rock chart, with sales of 39,000 in tis first week.[15]" - "Tis"? Sentence needs splitting into two sentences.
  • "Scott Alisoglu of Blabbermouth.net described the albums as "a well-rounded and often thrashy metalcore album, as the band has struck an effective balance between aggression and accessible melodies".[17]" - Albums?
  • "The band was awarded "Ultimate Metal God" by MTV2's "All That Rocks",[20] and was nominated for a Grammy Award in the category of "Best Metal Performance" for the song "Nothing Left" off the album An Ocean Between Us." - Another very awkward sentence.

These problems are just from a quick scan of the article. You need to start proof reading your work, so that basic mistakes are spotted. Also, you really need to find a copyeditor to collaborate with. Such articles of this quality may pass the more lenient GA, but the writing wouldn't be embraced at FAC. LuciferMorgan (talk) 14:07, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

I do proof read but as Tony says "fresh eyes" spot out obvious errors. It would be awesome if i re-wrote articles and another user came and copyedited when i was finished, but we all know about the HMM project... and thanks again for the comments. M3tal H3ad (talk) 03:24, 23 December 2007 (UTC)
All truthful words. It is difficult trying to find a copyeditor, I agree. LuciferMorgan (talk) 11:34, 23 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Linda Kasabian

Two editors have made extensive edits to improve this article. The writing style is improved, the content is more extensive and thorough with a more neutral perspective, some incorrect biographical information was corrected, and copious in-text citations have been added where appropriate. Also, several new sections have been added. The list of references has been expanded. Overall, the article seems to be a much better representation of Wiki standards.

I would like to see the tags at the top of the article (that there are no in-text citations, and that the tone might not be appropriate for wikipedia) deleted and also to see the rating of the article go up. Currently it is start class but that was in reference to a prior version. I would also like to hear suggestions on how the rating can increase if any reviewers still think the article needs improvement.

Thank you! Unscathed310 (talk) 02:28, 22 December 2007 (UTC)Unscathed310

[edit] Javascript reviewer

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program, and might not be applicable for the article in question.

  • Please expand the lead to conform with guidelines at Wikipedia:Lead. The article should have an appropriate number of paragraphs as is shown on WP:LEAD, and should adequately summarize the article.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), months and days of the week generally should not be linked. Years, decades, and centuries can be linked if they provide context for the article.[?]
  • You may wish to consider adding an appropriate infobox for this article, if one exists relating to the topic of the article. [?] (Note that there might not be an applicable infobox; remember that these suggestions are not generated manually)
  • Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Context and Wikipedia:Build the web, years with full dates should be linked; for example, if January 15, 2006 appeared in the article, link it as January 15, 2006.[?]
  • As per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (dates), dates shouldn't use th; for example, instead of (if such appeared in the article) using January 30th was a great day, use January 30 was a great day.[?]
  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings), headings generally do not start with articles ('the', 'a(n)'). For example, if there was a section called ==The Biography==, it should be changed to ==Biography==.[?]
  • Watch for redundancies that make the article too wordy instead of being crisp and concise. (You may wish to try Tony1's redundancy exercises.)
    • Vague terms of size often are unnecessary and redundant - “some”, “a variety/number/majority of”, “several”, “a few”, “many”, “any”, and “all”. For example, “All pigs are pink, so we thought of a number of ways to turn them green.”
  • I have changed some of the footnote placements, in relation to punctuation. Footnotes usually are located right after a punctuation mark (as recommended by the CMS, but not mandatory), such that there is no space in between. For example, the sun is larger than the moon [2]. is usually written as the sun is larger than the moon.[2][?]
  • Please ensure that the article has gone through a thorough copyediting so that it exemplifies some of Wikipedia's best work. See also User:Tony1/How to satisfy Criterion 1a.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 17:27, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • The lead is too short.
  • Very few info about her family.
  • "it seems he had cut her out of the South America trip." It seems according to whom? Which is your source? I have some serious doubts about the whole writing style, which is not always encyclopedic. See also this excerpt as an example of what I mean:"She fell into a hippie lifestyle, wandering all over the country from commune to commune experimenting with psychedelic drugs. She married, divorced, married again, and gave birth to a daughter in 1968. When her second marriage to hippie Robert Kasabian seemed doomed, Linda moved back." This is an encyclopedic article; not a fairy tale!
  • "In July 1969, Linda decided against attending the July 4th Malibu Beach Love-In and instead followed Gypsy, Tanya in tow, to the Spahn Ranch in the Chatsworth area of Los Angeles, where she met and soon fell in love with Charles Manson." Uncited.
  • "The tiny, quiet hippie mother with long blonde hair and green eyes was immediately greeted with peace and love upon her initiation to the Spahn Ranch community." Wow!!! Again the tone is not encyclopedic.
  • "Everyone hugged her, and it was made clear that she and her daughter would be taken care of, provided she proved loyal." How was this made clear? There are various examples of such problematic phrases.
  • "This is thought to be the most likely reason that Linda, a newcomer, was called upon for an important mission." Your source?
  • "In popular culture" is listy.
  • Cite the books properly using italics for the titles. ALso mention pages and use Template:cite book and other helpful templates: Template:cite journal, Template:cite web, Template:cite journal.
  • "She lived on a hippie commune and attained employment as a cook. She was called back to Los Angeles several times after the first trial. She took the stand again during the trial of Tex Watson in 1971, and also during two re-trials of Leslie Van Houten in 1977. She divorced Robert Kasabian and remarried." Just an example of choppy prose.
  • "Though not of the same ilk as her former associates, she is reported to have led a troubled life. " Reported by whom.
  • The last paragraph of "Involvement in the Tate-LaBianca murders" is completely uncited.
  • "Unfortunately for the defense, the petite, 5'1" Kasabian refused to break under intense cross-examination, and her testimony matched all of the physical evidence in addition to being supported by subsequent prosecution witnesses." Uncited and on the verge of POV.

These are just some examples of the many problems this article faces. It still needs much more work in order to become a proper encyclopedic biographical article. I'm not even sure it fulfils B-Class criteria.--Yannismarou (talk) 19:19, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Evanescence

I'd like to know if this article can become FA, and if not, what does it need? I'd also like to know what are the positive and negative things of the article. Armando.Otalk · Ev · 3K 22:51, 20 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] LuciferMorgan

It's main obstacle would be criterion 1a, since it needs a copyedit. Some of the sentences are overly long. LuciferMorgan (talk) 19:23, 24 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] M3tal H3ad

  • Remove Grammy-winning from the first sentence as its POV - glorifying the subject and you mention grammys in the second paragraph
  • Evanescence was founded by singer, pianist and songwriter Amy Lee and former lead guitarist and songwriter Ben Moody - He was not a "former" member when he joined
  • Meanwhile, Evanescence signed on with their first major label - reword "signed on"
  • Fallen spent 43 weeks on the Billboard Top 10 - when was it released, what was its peak position
  • has been certified 6x Platinum;[10] and has sold more than 15 million copies worldwide,[2] including 6.6 million in the United States - this sentence drags on and platinum implies its sold 6 million, link to RIAA certification
  • try beef up the Anywhere but Home section with chart positions and reviews (album sections could do with reviews)
  • Lineup changes - each paragraph starts with "On DATE... try mix-it up a bit
  • You refer to members with their second name after the first mention, currently it changes from Amy Lee, to Lee
  • References in other media is a trivia section
  • You will need a style section if you want FA, describe the band's sound, quotes from critics, use of piano and organs, how the band's sound changed from Fallen to Open Door etc
  • Change the Grammy Award color for 2008 to #ffffcc as done here

Other than that it looks pretty good, good work M3tal H3ad (talk) 05:18, 28 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "The songs were edited by both artists, and they shared equal credit." I would cite that.
  • "References in other media" is listy.
  • I would like more analysis of their music, style etc.

IMO it is a GA but not yet up to FA status. To achive that it will need more profound analysis.--Yannismarou (talk) 18:47, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Dan Gibbs

Dan Gibbs, on a newly-minted state senator, is the latest in my attempts towards building good articles on Colorado legislators. I'm still working on obtaining images, but I'd appreciate more feedback than the single automated response I got for my peer review request of John Kefalas last month. -- Sethant (talk) 01:07, 20 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "born c. 1976". Why c.? We do not know exact date?
    • That's correct; there doesn't appear to be a published source with his actual birthdate; I've had to extrapolate it based on his age given in various articles. -- Sethant (talk) 18:39, 1 January 2008 (UTC)
  • A picture would be nice for the article, but I know it is tough to find one because of copyright issues.
    • I've requested one several times, but haven't yet gotten a response. -- Sethant (talk) 18:39, 1 January 2008 (UTC)
  • "A native of Gunnison, Colorado, Gibbs' parents were both public school teachers and later school principals." I am not sure since I am not a native English speaker but is it "a native" or "natives of" correct? You are referring to the parents, aren't you?
    • Actually, I was referring to Gibbs. Rephrased. -- Sethant (talk) 18:39, 1 January 2008 (UTC)
  • "however, he defeated Republican Ken Chlouber by a 2:1 margin[9] to represent House District 56, encompassing Eagle, Lake and Summit Counties, including the skiing communities of Vail and Breckenridge.[9]" You do you mention twice in the same sentence the same citation. Once is ok!
  • "He now represents represent." I don't think it is necessary to link "now" here.
    • Fixed, as well as the duplicated word. -- Sethant (talk) 18:39, 1 January 2008 (UTC)
  • Check WP:REF so as not to repeat the same citation. What I mean. E.g. references 21-25 are actually the same. They should be presented as the same citation. There is no reason to repeat them in different numbers. Just read here (Naming a ref tag so it can be used more than once) and you will understand what I mean.--Yannismarou (talk) 18:58, 31 December 2007 (UTC)
    • Actually, references 21 through 25 are all different news articles. They may have looked the same because they were all written by the same article, but, you'll notice, the links, titles, and dates are all different. Thanks for all your comments! -- Sethant (talk) 18:39, 1 January 2008 (UTC)
      • Oups! You are right! My mistake!--Yannismarou (talk) 13:42, 2 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Hayley Westenra

From this peer review I am hoping to get this article up to the level of FA. It is already a GA and I want to know what needs to be improved and added/expanded upon to improve it. Andrew D White (talk) 23:25, 19 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

Just some trivia:

  • "for Her Majesty The Queen". You link the term "Her Majesty" but not the queen, Elisabeth, herself!
  • "At the Sydney Opera House she received a rare standing ovation.". I would cite that.
  • "On 5 September 2006, Westenra was named as one of the ten outstanding young people in the world by the Junior Chamber International." Citation for that. Is it maybe in the next phrase?
  • "Westenra is known as a vegetarian/pescotarian, and is currently nominated for PETA's 'Sexiest Vegetarian' for 2007.[33][34][35][36]" Two many notes in a row. This is something personally I donot lke, but this may just be subjective. Check how Sandy combines notes in Tourette syndrome.
  • The two last paragraphs of "Beyond her initial success" I think do not follow the story of the rest of the chapter and they look a bit like trivia put there, because there was nowhere else to be placed. But again I do not know if there could be any better structure in this or in a separate chapter.

Very nice indeed! I think this article is on the track to be FA! And I do not see any serious copyright problems with the pictures. Good chance in FAC!--Yannismarou (talk) 14:24, 25 December 2007 (UTC)

Ok I added the source for the standing ovation and the Junior Chamber International. Good thing I still remembered where I got these pieces of information. I guess I missed putting them in. I'll look at the other stuff that you noted. Andrew D White (talk) 22:28, 4 January 2008 (UTC)
So here is a question. Should I leave it how I now have it linked now (Her Majesty linked to majesty and The Queen to Elisabeth) or just to Elisabeth? I looked at the talk page and discovered why we have so many sources on that one sentence. Its because we wanted to make sure that we showed that she is known as a vegetarian/pescotarian. Without all of the sources it seemed that it could seem under sourced to say known. I agree with you the last two pararaphs do seem a bit out of place but alas I have not been able to come up with better placement for them. Maby someone else has a good idea of how to make them flow. Andrew D White (talk) 14:45, 7 January 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Killswitch Engage

Completely re-written the past 2-3 days, would like helpful comments to get it to GA. Thanks. M3tal H3ad (talk) 07:35, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] LuciferMorgan

Comments There are too many long sentences, ones that would stop this progressing beyond GA status. They need cutting into two sentences. For example;

  • "Receiving mostly positive reviews, Jon Caramanica of Rolling Stone called the album a "stunning collection, retaining much of their signature musical brutality", and Ed Rivaria of All Music Guide commented "riff upon riff are piled sky-high into each number that follows, it's the unpredictable rhythmic shifts used to build and then relieve internal pressure that fuel the Killswitch Engage power source".[18]"
  • "The End of Heartache was released on May 11, 2004, and peaked at number 21 on the Billboard 200 with sales of 38,000 in its first week,[15] and peaked at number 39 on the Australian album chart following an Australian tour with Anthrax.[16]"
  • "The album's first single, "My Curse", peaked at number 21 spot on the Hot Mainstream Rock chart, "The Arms of Sorrow" entered at number 31."

These are just examples, indicative of a wider problem. Ceoil is busy right now at FAR, and then will be copyediting Undisputed Attitude. Following that, I think you should request a thorough copyedit from him. Despite making the odd typo, his copyediting skills are quite good.

  • "A cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" originally recorded for a Kerrang! compilation album titled High Voltage,[25] peaked at number 13 number 19 on the Mainstream Rock charts.[26]" - "Number 13 number 19"? I don't understand this, so this may be a typo that needs correction.
  • "The DVD went gold on April 8, 2006 for sales over 50,000.[17]" - Where it did go gold? Germany? France?
  • "Cosmo Lee of Stylus Magazine commented "the album is astonishingly badly sequenced", although thought it contributed to the album being "less emotionally heavy-handed, and a lot more fun.[23]" - Where are the quotation marks at the end of this sentence?
  • "Severson who works as a website developer at Roadrunner Records, handed Killswitch Engage to several Roadrunner Record representatives." - "Severson who works"? Don't you need a comma between "Severson" and "who works"?
  • "Mixed in March, the album was titled Alive or Just Breathing after lyrics in the song "Just Barely Breathing",[5] and increased the band's exposure and peaking at number 37 on the Top Heatseekers chart.[6]" - "Peaking"? Don't you mean "peaked"? Furthermore, this is yet another example of an overly long sentence.
  • "As of November 27, 2007, As Daylight Dies has sold more than 300,000 units.[24]" - In the US maybe, but not worldwide. Your source is Billboard, so therefore can only make statements as regards US sales. In short, this is a misleading statement.

Needs work if you wish to take this to FAC. LuciferMorgan (talk) 09:54, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

Wow, I'm getting real sloppy..thanks for the comments as always :) M3tal H3ad (talk) 13:36, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
Taking note of your last comment, do you think it could be an FA? with more work of course. M3tal H3ad (talk) 13:57, 18 December 2007 (UTC)
If I'm to be brutally frank, your main weakness has always been prose. With a great copyeditor, all of your GA articles could be FA (including The Blackening. If this specific article went to FAC, there'd be a few objectors based on the writing. That's why I suggested seeing if Ceoil can help. LuciferMorgan (talk) 16:17, 19 December 2007 (UTC)
  • "The album received mostly positive reviews, with Jon Caramanica of Rolling Stone called the album a "stunning collection, retaining much of their signature musical brutality".[21]" - Read the sentence. You need to replace the word "called" with "calling". LuciferMorgan (talk) 11:36, 21 December 2007 (UTC)
  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 01:20, 19 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] J Milburn

I see LM has already given a rather comprehensive review, but I'll have a read through.

  • "Killswitch Engage has attended the Ozzfest, Download Festival, Warped Tour, Reading and Leeds Festivals, and is scheduled to continue touring until April 2008." I was under the impression it was 'Ozzfest', as opposed to 'the Ozzfest', and that list doesn't seem qite right. I would recommend moving the last entry to the start, plus other tweaks- "Killswitch Engage has attended Reading and Leeds Festivals, Ozzfest, Download Festival and the Warped Tour, and is scheduled to continue touring until April 2008."
  • "record company Ferret Music took notice of Killswitch Engage and signed the band to its label." Ferret Music is the label, isn't it? Or have I missed a difference between 'record company' and 'record label'?
  • "While on tour, Leach's voice was unable last the full set according to D’Antonio." I don't like this sentence. How about "According to D'Antonio, Leach's voice was unable to last the full set while touring." Perhaps even mention the specific interview.
  • You say that reviews of The End of Heartache were mostly positive- perhaps mention some of the criticism?
  • "The award was given to Motorhead for "Whiplash"." Motörhead!
  • "released on the WWE Wreckless Intent album" Album name should be in italics.
  • "Decibel Magazine contributor Nick Terry" Link to Decibel Magazine.
  • "said "To call As Daylight Dies addictive" Again, album should be italicised (despite the fact it is a quote).
  • "cover of Dio's "Holy Diver" originally" We have an article at Holy Diver (song) that would be worth linking to.
  • In fact, we also have articles at My Curse (song) and The Arms of Sorrow (song) that would be worth linking from that section.

I realise that is a rather short review for me, but I don't really see anything else that needs fixing. Conversely, it doesn't seem to be featured, and I can't quite put my finger on the problem. This makes a great good article, but isn't quite at featured, and I am not honestly sure what could be done. In any case, another article which has benefited immensely from your attention- well done. J Milburn (talk) 23:34, 20 December 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for your comments as always. I guess i would need a style and lyrical themes section for FA, and go into more detail with each album. M3tal H3ad (talk) 03:19, 21 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Charles Faulkner

I am submitting this article for peer review. I hope to achieve GA status. In the event that this article has achieved this standard, I would like some feedback as to how to bring the article up to the next level (FA status).

Thank you.

Brinabina (talk) 08:55, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Javascript reviewer

The following suggestions were generated by a semi-automatic javascript program.

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas. Thanks, DrKiernan (talk) 13:36, 14 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

*The lead is ok, but why do you have to link "book"? I don't think it is necessary.

Y Done I have removed the link. I think the idea here was to link to the wikipedia bibliography of his works, but I was unsure of how to do this. I have the same problem later on in the article. It would be nice. I have searched for the info on how to link to a subsection of an article (even the same one) but I seem to be wading through a lot of other information and I just can't find it... help?

*"The methodology described in the book described ways of affecting immediate and positive life changes by reprogramming speech, movement and thought patterns.". You see the prose problem here?


Y Done Oh, yes, I seem to have missed that one. My bad. It reads much better, now. If you have further suggestions for improvement on this or any other sentence please let me know.

*You have a separate subject "Education", while you also speak about his education in "Biography". Overlapping?

N Not done I think of the biography as a general overview that includes the subsequent topics, but does not go into any one of them at length. I understand this to be Wikipedia's style. Perhaps I can further generalize the earlier reference, or further specify the latter. Alternately, I can eliminate any reference to his education in the biography, altogether. What do you suggest?

*"The skepticism stems, in part, from the fact that NLP is largely based on cognitive linguistics which emerged from later work on generative semantics--the "losing" side of the heavily debated "Linguistics Wars" in academic circles of the 1960s and 1970s. Furthermore, this credibility debate is compounded by the previous lack of empirical research supporting NLP's effectiveness." I would cite that.

N Not done Ah, yes, I believe this is another one of those places where I wanted to link within Wikipedia (to a subsection) and couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how.

*"Linguistics Wars" is also undercited.

N Not done Same.

*“If you want academic credibility, if you want respect from the established entities, whether they are psychological or medical or whatever, well, you have to play their game. If game sounds too flippant, then you have to meet their values. Have to meet their standards of evidence.” Citation?

Y Done Yes, this one slipped by me and I neglected to cite it. I actually have the source somewhere and can't quite find it at the moment. If I can't place it, then I'll just delete it from the article. It's a pity, as it's a good quote.

*In "References" we put the material we used in notes. Otherwise it is "further reading". I don't think it is clear what is exactly your "References" section. And why Koppel is in "Further reading", although he is referred in "Notes"?! Some fixing is needed in these sections.

  • External links go after "further reading".

Duly noted. I will review these sections and make changes, as needed.

*I am not a specialist on the issue, so I will not elaborate on the ideas of Faulkner and how they are presented in the article. I will just point out the necessity to follow the POV policy. I express some scepticism about the source (note 9) used in the first paragraph of "achievements". It is a site where no author is sigining Faulkner's short biography. I am not quite sure if such a source is "reliable", but I hope I am wrong.

I tried to be especially careful to maintain a NPOV. I feel that any biography used as a source for this article can be considered reliable because they can be cross-referenced with reliable sites (such as Faulkner's own and those belonging to established Societies or organizations who are accountable for the information they present to the public). However, I will reread your posted link and review the citation extra carefully to be sure that I am correctly following Wikipedia's guidelines.

In terms of structure, IMO the "Achievements" section is not exactly an "achievements" sections! It includes the whole career, ideas, works of Faulkner being something broader than mere "achievements". Maybe it should be renamed or divided in two sections. Again this may just be a personal preference.


Y Done I agree that the title is too narrow. I am looking into some alternate choices... leaning towards splitting the section into two and coming up with narrower titles. Thanks for the suggestions.

In general the article is good IMO and goold well go through GA. For FAC I am not yet sure ...

--Yannismarou (talk) 15:40, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

Thanks, I appreciate your thorough and honest feedback.  :)

Brinabina (talk) 18:23, 26 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Bryan Ferry

In April 2007, the Ferry article was reviewed, and it kept its B-status because "No linline citations, several sections marked as stubs, and a short lead keep this B class.". Since then, lots of references were added, sections rewritten, information added.

I believe Bryan Ferry's article could become an A-class article. Because there is no (copyright-free) image of Bryan Ferry available, and some other things still remain unsolved (what did his father exactly do? how many albums did ferry sell?), it is currently not A-status. But the article has improved a lot since the last review. I would like to have a new peer review for the Bryan Ferry article, to see how far the article is from an A-article (or Good Article).--Pie.er 13:47, 30 November 2007 (UTC)

[edit] DrKiernan

Please add {{persondata|PLEASE SEE [[WP:PDATA]]!}} along with the required parameters to the article - see Wikipedia:Persondata for more information.[?] DrKiernan 09:35, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
Added! --Pie.er 11:04, 3 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • Yes, the luck of a picture is a flaw, but not a definite obstacle for upgrading. But aren't there any free-use pictures?
  • The lead needs some expansion per WP:LEAD to summarize the article.
  • "Before Roxy Music (before 1971)" is stubby and the prose is choppy.
  • The way "Early Roxy Music (1971-1976)" is written is more about Ferry's relationships that about his music!
  • "After lengthy ("debilitating"[cite this quote])". This needs fixing.
  • "Following his split from Lucy, British newspapers photographed Ferry with Katie Turner, 35 years younger than Ferry, naming her as his new 'girlfriend'.[18][19][20][21]" Maybe you should think about merging these notes as I did in El Greco or Sandy did in Tourette Syndrome.
  • Get rid of the "See also" section incorporating its only link into the main text, if you think this link is necessary.
  • I see no analysis or critical approach of Ferry's music, just an exposition (detailed indeed) of his career and albums, but this is not enough.
  • You could also think about including samples of songs of him in the article as I have seen in other music-related articles.--Yannismarou (talk) 16:05, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Max Boyce

This is an article on the Welsh comedian/performer Max Boyce. I've virtually written the whole article from scratch (or from a very poor stub at least) - I did all this a few months ago, but never bothered to get it reviewed till now. Whilst I'd dream of having it featured, the dearth of sources on his life (his 'biographies', factually speaking, are useless...) probably means that looking towards Good Article status is more realistic in the short term. I'm hoping for reviewers to point out any mistakes/oversights/POV, etc. and any suggestions about how to expand or re-work the article if possible. Many thanks! Rob Lindsey (talk) 09:20, 30 November 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • "Boyce is one of the most successful and enduring entertainers in Welsh history." Cite please.
  • I would expand a bit the lead per WP:LEAD.
  • Don't we know the names of his parents?
  • "Nevertheless, Boyce's performance was warmly received by the crowd, as can be heard in the final recording." I would also like a citation for this assertion.
  • "Songs such as "Hymns and Arias" soon became popular with rugby crowds, a fact which has played a significant part in his ongoing popularity." Again citation needed.

In general I liked the article! I am not a specialist on the issue, but I think that it is well-written.--Yannismarou (talk) 16:17, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] The Wiggles

I would like this article to have a higher rating, from B to A and eventually to FA status. There has already been a general assessment of it, but I feel that it needs more input. It's an important topic, since as the article states, The Wiggles is the highest-grossing entertainers in Australia, and have influenced countless children and their families worldwide. --Figureskatingfan (talk) 05:43, 22 November 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

  • The lead is short. Check WP:LEAD.

"Using his connections with the Cockroaches, Field arranged with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) to distribute their album in Australia. Their manager suggested that they tour.[3][8] Their public debut was at a pre-school in Randwick." Some choppy prose.

  • I am not sure about "Cultural References". The section looks listy, like trivia. Couldn't it get some proper prose?
  • "Honours" could also become a proper paragraph of prose.
  • Don't put in "See also" articles you have already linked above, such as List of The Wiggles songs.

References look fine to me. With some more tweaks I think the article could get GA status and then FA.--Yannismarou (talk) 15:50, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Metallica

Article on the biggest/most influential/successful heavy/thrash metal band ever. Over the past week i have completely re-written the article, which previously looked like this. I hope to take it to FAC in a week or two and hope you will be able to provide useful feedback. It just needs a copyedit by some "fresh eyes", and any information you could think of to be added to the Legacy section would be appreciated. Thanks.

[edit] WesleyDodds
Thank god someone has decided to clean that mess up. Before I start listing a bevy of comments, I urge you to dig through the online archives at time.com and nytimes.com for more resources. Those two sites have proved invaluable to me time and again, but most music editors aren't aware of how extensive those archives are, or that they even exist. Now:
  • Sentences should be shifted around in the lead. List the band members in the first paragraph, or a least the fact that Hetfield and Lars formed the band. Push the Napster controversy farther down. WesleyDodds (talk) 07:01, 7 December 2007 (UTC)
  • It's a definite stretch to list Ozzy as a related act. Trujillo was part of a solo artist's backing band, not the artist himself.
  • You don't need to list the precise release dates for albums. All you really need is the year; at most list the month and year.
  • No need to mention which particular card Burton pulled; just say he lost and had to sleep in the bunk.
  • When you wikilink to the Black Album, link to its proper name (Metallica) not the phrase "self-titled".
  • Clarify that John Marshell stepped in to replace Hetfield on guitar for the rest of the tour. The way it's written it makes it seem that he took over that very show (which actually ended with the band leaving the stage, Guns 'N Roses acting like jerks, and the fans rioting).
  • You don't need to mention the details of the Load album cover.
  • Definitely try to add more about the reaction to the band's change of image and sound when Load came out. My Ian Christe heavy metal book covers this a bit, discussing how long term fans thought they were selling out or "going alternative".
  • Add a little more to the section dealing with Newssted's departure. Move the mention that he joined Voivod into that section and move his comment about the therapy sessions into the St. Anger section. You don't need to mention the hazing again.
  • Legacy section: a lot of nu metal bands have mentioned Metallica as an influence, so look for quotes from them. I'm having trouble thinking of any other bands mentioned by them, but I know Alice in Chains are good friends. Dimebag Darrell probably had a lot to say about Metallica (there's a story I've heard that Pantera dropped their glam direction when Darrell showed Hetfield his home with all his glam metal posters, and Hetfield spit on them.)
  • I'm not sure the Dave Mustaine feud needs its own section. Try and rework that information into the rest of the article.
I think it is notable enough to warrant its own section - the two bands have been bashing each other in interviews their entire career.
  • You're going to definitely need a Musical Style section. This should be pretty easy to write if you have access to enough references (and there are tons). I have several Metallica-centered articles in my Guitar World back issues, but I don't think I'll have time to review them any time soon. Maybe in January I can help you out there.
It looks pretty good so far. Aside form my comments about, watch out for redundant wikilinks and only link full dates. I'l check back later to see how things are going. WesleyDodds (talk) 07:01, 7 December 2007 (UTC)
Thanks for the comments. I'll see what i can do but regarding the Newsted section what sort of information do you want added? M3tal H3ad (talk) 07:29, 7 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] J Milburn

Irritated, as I just lost everything I typed over about three quarters of an hour thanks to my college's dependence on the 'wonderful' Internet Explorer.

In any case, I will attempt to write it out again, but I'll do it in sections this time.

Lead
  • Periodical should be in italics.
  • "Napster became a pay to use service." Perhaps rephrase to "pay-to-use", the sentence threw me at first.
  • "seven Grammy Awards" - Link to Grammy Award?
  • "Mustaine were kicked out of the band" Perhaps "were later kicked"- it gives the impression it was pretty instant.
  • "without the members consent." Apostrophe!

Sorry, that's all I have time for. Internet access is currently limited, and if I am not online before tomorrow evening, I won't be able to review until next weekend. J Milburn (talk) 15:56, 7 December 2007 (UTC)

Ok, managed to find some reliable Internet access, on a computer with Firefox, so I will give a full review now.

Early days
  • "Metallica recorded its first original song titled "Hit the Lights", for the Metal Massacre compilation." This says that the song was the first song called "Hit the Lights", not the first original song. Perhaps "Metallica recorded its first original song, which was named "Hit the Lights", for the Metal Massacre compilation."
  • Image caption- "The band's Power Metal demo would take its name from this card." Demo name should be italicised.
  • "at the Whiskey A Go-Go" What is it? A music festival? A pub?
  • "the year he accepted, only if the band would move to San Francisco" Perhaps "the year he accepted, on the condition that the band would move to San Francisco"
  • "at The Old Waldorf," Again, what is it exactly? Without a link to an article, an explanation is needed.
  • "concert promoter Johnny 'Z' Zazula offered Metallica to play live shows" This doesn't make sense- perhaps "asked Metallica to play live shows" or "offered Metallica live shows"
  • "was at The Stone in" Again, a description of what this actually is.
  • "Burton was released on Megaforce." Do you mean to link to the film? If so, perhaps "was released on the 1982 film Megaforce."
  • "on April 16, 1983 at The Showplace Dover, New Jersey." Again, what's the showplace? Also, it there should be something separating 'Showplace' and 'Dover'- a comma, 'in', or both.
Kill 'Em All and Ride the Lightening
  • "distributors' refusing to release" That apostrophe is misused. It should either be "distributors' refusal to release" or "distributors refusing to release"
  • "and "Blitzkrieg" from the band Blitzkrieg." It doesn't make it clear whether this was a cover- it implies that a song by Blitzkrieg was added to the album, not to mention the fact it links to a song by a KMFDM side-project.
  • "the Seven Dates of Hell tour" What's the consensus on tours? Leave as is, italics, or speech marks?
  • "now considered collector's items." Should be "collectors' items"- the items belong to multiple collectors.
Master of Puppets
  • "Returning to the U.S marked" should be "U.S. marked".
  • "at Castle Donnington in England," If you mean the village, you have misspelled it- but we also have an article Donington Park, which is where the concert will have taken place. Finally, you may want to link to the specific section section.
  • "of All Music Guide consider the album" Needs a comma after 'Guide'.
Death of Cliff Burton
  • "who would sleep on which bunk. Burton won and chose to sleep in Hammett's bunk." The first mention of 'bunk' should have the link, not the second.
  • "Troy Gregory of Prong" - Should link to Prong (band) and Troy Gregory.
...And Justice for All
  • "The Damaged Justice tour followed to promote the album." A reference for that would be nice. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
  • "extensively "remixed" with" Why the speech marks?
  • "The "remix" video was" Same as above.
  • "submitted to MTV" A link to MTV would be good.
  • ""ADD Video," which" What's ADD Video, and should it be in speech marks? Also, even if the speech marks are correct, the comma should be outside of them.
Metallica (The Black Album)
  • The brackets in the title shouldn't be italicised- it should be "''Metallica'' (''The Black Album'')" rather than "''Metallica (The Black Album)''".
  • "was "bubbling like on the Toxic Avenger"." The title is The Toxic Avenger, as opposed to Toxic Avenger, and the film name should be italicised.
  • "three live CD's, three home videos," No need for the apostrophe.
Load, ReLoad, and Garage Inc.
  • "headlining Donington Park"- Links to a DAB page- you want to link to Donington Park.
  • "The short tour was titled 'Escape from The studio Tour 1995'." Why have you put this tour in inverted commas?
  • "of plexiglass, not all fans were happy with the cover" Maybe "of plexiglass, but not all fans were happy with the cover"
  • "called Blood and Semen III." As the name of a piece of artwork, I think that should be italicised.
  • "got their haircut" That should be "got their hair cut" or "got haircuts".
  • "collector's item." Again, should be "collectors' item"
Napster controversy
  • "The lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, no individuals were named." Perhaps "Though the lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, no individuals were named." or "The lawsuit named three universities for copyright infringement, the University of Southern California, Yale University, and Indiana University, but no individuals were named."
  • "making it a pay to use program." Again, "pay-to-use" is probably a better phrase.
Newsted's departure and St. Anger
  • St. Anger in the section title should be italicised.
  • "over 1000 hours of footage" For consistency, that should be '1,000'.
  • ""behind his back" but to help him" There should be a comma after the closing of the speech marks.
  • "Following three months of auditions Robert Trujillo formerly of Suicidal Tendencies, and Ozzy Osbourne's band was chosen as the new bassist." The commas are all over the place in this sentence. I would recommend "Following three months of auditions, Robert Trujillo, formerly of Suicidal Tendencies and Ozzy Osbourne's band, was chosen as the new bassist."
  • You link to Pitchfork instead of Pitchfork Media. Also, as a periodical, it should be italicised.
  • "and the song was used as the official theme song for WWE's SummerSlam 2003." I can't remember the name of this mistake, which is bugging me, but despite sharing a name, the song and album are not the same. As such, you should say "and the song "St. Anger" was used as the official theme song for WWE's SummerSlam 2003."
  • "Mudvayne, Deftones, Linkin Park, and Limp Bizkit, and the" Why do you not link to Linkin Park?
Legacy
  • "Machine Head, Bullet for My Valentine, Chimaira, Mastodon, Mendeed, and Trivium" Why are they not all linked to?
  • "Metal Militia: A Tribute to Metallica, A Metal Tribute to Metallica, and Tribute to the Four Horsemen." Check the italics on that phrase.
  • "Beatallica faced legal troubles when the Sony Corporation who own The Beatles Catalogue ordered a" should be "Beatallica faced legal troubles when the Sony Corporation, who own The Beatles' catalogue, ordered a" (changed capitalisation, comma use and apostrophe use)
  • "Metallica appeared on The Simpsons eighteenth season premier The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer on September 10, 2006.[75]" Single line paragraphs are frowned upon. Off the top of my head, I can't think of them appearing in anything else.
Section still needs to be expanded
  • Also, shouldn't there be an apostrophe after 'Simpsons'?
  • The name of the programme should be in italics, while the name of the episode should have speech marks.
  • We have a few articles that could be linked to in this section- A Tribute to Metallica: Metallic Assault and "Say Your Prayers, Little One": The String Quartet Tribute to Metallica came up on a quick search. That said, the first may need deleting, I will take a look at that after I have finished this review.
Dave Mustaine fued
  • "He wishes that Metallica would of helped him with his addictions instead of kick him out." That doesn't make sense. How about "He later said that that he wished Metallica had helped him with his addictions, rather than kicking him out of the band." A reference would be nice, too.
  • "He has a strong disliking to Metallica guitarist Hammett," Again doesn't make sense. How about "He has a strong dislike of Metallica guitarist Hammett,"
  • "Mustaine comments" When? Who to?
  • "Were not enemies and were not friends and I think it is best kept that way. Back in those days we were all drunk and having a good time, but he took it too far. He was a real excessive person who had to take everything too far, which included drinking and drugs"" The lack of apostrophes makes my eyes hurt. Perhaps we could edit them in? Maybe using square brackets.
Awards and recognition
  • "a medley of "For Whom the Bell Tolls, "Enter Sandman", and" You don't close one of the sets of speech marks.
Band members
  • Is it worth mentioning the technicians who performed live?

Overall, another great job. The prose in the section on Mustaine is a bit dull, but I can't really put my finger on what is wrong with it- perhaps it should be rewritten. Also, it may be worth expanding the fair use rationales on the images. I'll take another read through once you have gone through this review. J Milburn (talk) 14:54, 8 December 2007 (UTC)

Thank you very much for all the comments, i will see what i can do with the Mustaine section later. M3tal H3ad (talk) 03:13, 9 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Cricket

  • Early Days:

First paragraph uses the word "form" (or derivative) three times which is a little redundant, maybe replace one or two with a synonym. ♫ Cricket02 (talk) 19:38, 10 December 2007 (UTC)

  • Kill 'Em All and Ride the Lightning
Hetfield traveled over Europe to find a comparable amp. Traveled "over" Europe? Maybe to or through Europe? ♫ Cricket02 (talk) 03:24, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] APR

  • A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR t 02:42, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Princess Louise, Duchess of Argyll

Article (edit) • Article talk (edit) • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I wish to get it to FA status. I will respond to comments as quickly as possible. Thanks, PeterSymonds | talk 18:44, 4 February 2008 (UTC)