Walter Koskiusko Waldowski
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| M*A*S*H character | |
| Painless Pole | |
|---|---|
| Rank | Captain |
| Gender | Male |
| Hair color | Black |
| Eye color | Brown |
| Home city | Hamtramck, Michigan |
| Film portrayer | John Schuck |
| Television portrayer | None |
| First appearance | M*A*S*H: A Novel About Three Army Doctors |
| Last appearance | MASH |
Captain Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, DDS was a fictional character in Richard Hooker's 1968 novel M*A*S*H, and in the 1970 film of the same name.
Waldowski was played in the film by John Schuck. He was mentioned briefly (but not seen) in the pilot episode as a member of the camp, but was otherwise not in the TV series.
[edit] In the movie
Although seemingly a minor character in the M*A*S*H lexicon, Waldowski's plight in the film was a major plot thread and was the source of the theme song, "Suicide Is Painless". One night, the doctors arrange to have the character Lieutenant Dish (Jo Ann Pflug) "inadvertently" find Waldowski lying in a coffin. He has taken a pill given to him by the doctors, believing it to be lethal, and is now awaiting his own demise. By the next morning, he has literally put the proverbial "big smile" on her face, and he turns up for breakfast at the mess tent, calm and completely free of anxiety.
[edit] Nickname
The character's name and situation form an elaborate series of plays-on-words.
- Being Polish and being a presumably "painless" dentist, "Painless Pole" is an apt nickname.
- Being "the best equipped dentist in the Army" is to be taken two ways, as it is made clear from the dialogue that he is a sexually well-endowed man, referencing a colloquial alternative meaning of "pole".
- Because of a single incident where he failed in bed ("I must be a fairy!"), he wants to end his life. His fellow doctors pretend to help him by giving him a placebo (the "black capsule") that they tell him will eventually bring about a peaceful death. The song's title thus refers to both the method of suicide and to the dentist's nickname.
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