User:Vendavel
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| Phalisus Bronzus Alexnikov, 1896. |
Vendavel, or The Tan Rhinocerous, is a sentient eighteen foot tall statue made entirely of bronze. It resides in a deep cavern in the southern region of Brazil. It was discovered in 1896 by Russian physicist Dmitri Alexnikov. Although it is entirely inanimate, Vendavel is completely capable of complex thought; it currently studies several romance languages and is seeking to unite humanity to defeat professional antagonist Scott Alberts.
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[edit] Origin Theories
While not much is known about the creation of Vendavel, several theories have surfaced across multiple academic circles. In 1913, failed British archaeologist Henry Epplind published his theory that Vendavel was the spawn of several millenniums worth of erosion combined with the natural decay of the megafauna mysteriously drawn to the cave. Director of Eccentric Studies at Cambridge University William Potsam hailed the theory as "the silver bullet that will finally split the skull of an insane beast man." Widely ridiculed until his death, Epplind continued in his search of substantial evidence to back his theory even though he had officially been barred from entering the cave March 3, 1914.
In the following years, would-be archaeologists and dismembered graduate students published numerous academic essays on the origin and meaning of the monolith. Theories of note include Franklin Kippling's 1917 "Tin Woodsman Theory," Mujaaid Sufren's 1923 "Clandestine Gnome Theory," and James Johnson's "Migratory Moai Theory". In 1934, German theologian Gunther Kraupenn drafted what has since become the definitive theory on Vendevel entitled "Der Nebeneinanderstellung Unermeßlich" (The Immense Juxtaposition). Unfortunately, the original manuscript of Kraupenn's theory was subsequently burned past the point of recognition before he could publish it. Overcome with intense grief, Kraupenn suffered mild amnesia whereupon he forgot the events leading up to his theory's conception. In a press conference later that evening, he assured his peers "it was a damn good theory." [1] Based on the general feeling of goodwill towards Kraupenn in the academic circles concerned with Vendavel, scholars accepted the unknown theory and began its widespread propagation.
[edit] Life
Scholars have divided up the history of Vendavel's known existence into three epochs: Pre-Familiar, Commercialization, and Post-Enlightenment.
[edit] Pre-Familiar
The Pre-Familiar epoch is designated as ending at Vendavel's discovery in 1896 and beginning as far back as 10000 BCE. Archaeological inspections of the cave in which it was found have shown evidence of frequent visits by pre-agricultural hominins, leading to a continually heated discussion on the possibility that Vendavel brought about an instantaneous knowledge of agriculture to the hominins of Latin America. However, evidence also suggests the ceasing of the pilgrimages to the cave after agricultural cultures began flourishing. Vendavel, even though it refused to comment on the theory of instant agriculture, wrote this in its 1966 memoirs:
| “ | I had, for so long, for such an eternity, been a deity in their eyes. I was a fire of which to be wary, an eternal symbol of the impossibly symbolized. I cradled the ideas of a written alphabet, a deeply complex language, and other vastly impossible advances in evolution; waiting for their brains to grow to the maturity to accept them. It was beyond even my pseudo-omniscience that the mere drop of evolutionary thought (that of agricultural and domestic means) would boil their egos to the point of insanity! Yes, I daresay insanity, for what more is it than an act of pure headlessness to abandon a towering, horned statue which offers humbly the teat of life beyond scavenging the mud for rotten, putrid animal carcasses? Yet there I was, stranded in a dank vein of the artery of erosion, dug into the side of a mountain with not even half the strength of I. I who was cursed without the power with which to rob them of the fruit and grain of knowledge to leave them with nothing but their ignorance and stupidity. How I longed for the cigarette to be invented. [2] | ” |
Historians depict that, in the millenniums following, the memory of Vendavel became only a character in oral tradition, passed down slowly from generation to generation; it slowly transformed through embellishment into the Mayan god Ah Puch as well as the Incan god Apocatequil. [3] During this time of forced seclusion, Vendavel spent all of its thought on willing itself to move. The process was entirely futile, and unfortunately also lead to the creation of several diseases commonly associated with Anglo invasions of America.
In its memoirs, Vendavel states it had little to do after realizing the futility of moving save contemplate the mysteries of the universe. It continued to do so until its accidental discovery in 1896.
[edit] Discovery and Commercialization
In May of 1896, Russian physicist Dmitri Alexnikov became the first man in recorded history to come into contact with Vendavel. While attempting to construct what would have been an almost perfect copy of Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Alexnikov found that as one nears the southern region of Brazil, his theory began to fall apart. Upon further inspection into the area and with the help of the natives, Alexnikov found the cave in which Vendavel resides. As he subsequently dropped all research in favor of observation, study, and later capitalization of Vendavel, he never discovered what had created the hole in his theory. Modern physicists have since discovered that it was in fact the gravitational pull of both its ego and sorrow from an acute case of autophobia. They stipulate that Einstein's theory never hit such a problem because Vendavel's sorrow quickly dissipated. [4]
The period of Commercialization, which historians denote as 1896-1988, was marked with mass media exposure and commercialization on the Vendavel name and likeness. Immersed in a capitalistic society for the first time, material wealth immediately became a driving force in its life. Vendavel became a household name next to Matlock and Kellogg's; it made appearances on various talk shows via satellite and eventually became the host of its own show, Searing With Vendavel, a ninety minute weekly special in which it would sear various household objects.
Among the Matell line of Vendavel "static" action figures were also multiple series of adult romance novels written by Vendavel. Canadian Book critic Brian Gutek hailed the Crash and Churn series, a set of nine novels taking place on the American frontier, as Vendavel's magnum opus. He cites Book 5, The Maimed Stallion and Me, as the quintessential work of the genre.
[edit] Post-Enlightenment
In late June of 1988, Vendavel underwent what theologians and philosophers agree to be a complete psychological breakdown and rebirth. [5] The "aggressive, pompous" [6] voice of Vendavel known through its public speeches and memoirs had completely vanished. It had suddenly surpassed all human emotion except confusion and ennui and began its quest for knowledge and world unity.
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It was not until meeting Scott Alberts in August of 2007 did it feel it had any real purpose. At the time, Alberts was planning to destroy every monument in Europe, beginning with the Eiffel Tower, while distributing pamphlets on the benefits of insulation. Vendavel writes in his essay, Hello, Brahma, Are You There? It's Me, Vendavel, "I have never in my life encountered such a man that defined my path in life as Scott Alberts. My statement may caress your ears with a positive connotation, but I assure you as somewhat a peer, it is not so. As I have lost all human emotion (save confusion and ennui), I cannot express the fueling fire I know I probably should be experiencing. We must not dally on this disaster: Scott Alberts must be stopped." [7] It has since founded several philanthropic groups to address Albert's threats menacing the European commonwealth.
[edit] Notes
- ^ Theologian uncovers "damn good theory," drops in fireplace, New York Times, March 18, 1934
- ^ Vendavel. Shut Up and Taste the Pain: A Memoir of Love, Despair, Vindication, and How I Rose above It All (Because I'm a Freaking Sentient Statue), pp 23-24.
- ^ Simons, et al. Descent into Myth, 1952.
- ^ Gregory, Thompson. Albert Who?: A Man Who Just Got Lucky, pp 245-260.
- ^ Xavier, Valencia. Whoa Dang!: An Analysis on the Shift from Pre- to Post-Enlightenment, 1991.
- ^ Dryer, Timothy. Schoolyard Taunts for a Schoolyard Bully/Big Bronze Thing, 1979.
- ^ Vendavel. Hello, Brahma, Are You There? It's Me, Vendavel, p66.
