Unconditional love
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Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in a religious context to describe God's love for humankind.
Some secular authors make a distinction between unconditional love and conditional love. In conditional love: love is 'earned' on the basis of conscious or unconscious conditions being met by the lover, whereas in unconditional love, love is 'given freely' to the loved one 'no matter what'. Conditional love requires some kind of finite exchange whereas unconditional love is seen as infinite and measureless. Unconditional love should not be mistaken with unconditional dedication: unconditional dedication refers to an act of the will irrespective of feelings (e.g a person may consider they have a duty to stay with a person); unconditional love is an act of the feelings irrespective of will.
Harold W. Becker, author and founder of The Love Foundation, Inc., defines Unconditional Love as "an unlimited way of being." From his book of the same title, Becker goes on to say that "the greatest power known to man is that of unconditional love. Through the ages, mystics, sages, singers and poets all expressed the ballad and call to love. As humans, we searched endlessly for the experience of love through the outer senses. Great civilizations have come and gone under the guise of love for their people. Religions have flourished and perished while claiming the true path to love. We, the people of this planet, may have missed the simplicity of unconditional love. ...Simply stated, unconditional love is an unlimited way of being. We are without any limit to our thoughts and feelings in life and can create any reality we choose to focus our attention upon. The qualities of love are endless and the expressions are infinite. The power of unconditional love is within each of us."
Unconditional love of self is the concept of loving yourself regardless of external conditions. This includes not denying yourself/your feelings in favor of others. Ultimately in this action a person will have to move away from others who do not love them without condition or teach them to. This idea could be considered imperative to increasing the amount of love one feels. If a person is looking outside him or herself for love they may never find unconditional love or even enough love to be happy. Unconditional love of self is considered the foundation for unconditional love because of this. Once a person is able to love him or herself without condition they will be able to love others without condition. Some gurus/teachers would describe this as an overflow effect as if the person is overflowing with love or agape. Unconditional love of self is most often used in conjunction with Self-acceptance as a way to bring the self to a place of well-being and self understanding.
For many people this is not very easy to understand, probably because people have used the term to demand more love from a person than possible for that person to give. And when the person in demand was unable to fulfill the expectations of the other they were accused of not loving without condition. This is a false definition that would actually be more synonymous with guilt or guilt-trip. It is difficult/impossible to define unconditional self love or unconditional love when people put expectations on it that can ultimately end up in disappointment . A couple of sayings are in place to keep this straight.
1. "Loving is sharing, and not demanding." 2. "When two people argue, that is self love."
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[edit] Unconditional love within marriage
Psychotherapist David Schnarch compares traditional views of unconditional love versus 'conditioned' love in marital relationships. He believes that genuine love in committed relationships requires conditions. He questions the idea that unconditional love is indeed 'true' love within intimate relationships. He calls for a kind of 'rising in love' where each lover establishes conditions vis a vis the other lover that improve (or end) the love relationship. This differs from the more conventional constructs of love where people 'fall into love' unconditionally. Schnarch focuses on passionate love as essential to committed sexual relationships and paradoxically as a condition for personal growth as well.
In this kind of analysis much depends on what the author or his subjects regards as "true" love — there is no universally agreed definition. Lady Heather Mills in replying to accusations that she was "a gold digger" in marrying former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney said that she "fell in love unconditionally" as well as highlighting her charitable work.[1]
[edit] Unconditional love as a tool for authoritarian control
Authors Kramer and Alstead assert that the concept of unconditional love is false, misleading, and a pervasive cause of authoritarian control in religion, relationships and families. They believe that unconditional love, along with what they perceive to be the closely related religious concept of 'unconditional forgiveness,' are false concepts used to perpetuate ongoing cycles of injustice and abuse. To them, the entire concept of Christian unconditional love is embedded within one of the "most authoritarian, thus conditional, structures on the planet" and is therefore far from condition-free.
They claim "that in order to get Christ's love, one has to believe in him; in order to be forgiven, one must not only repent and plead for it, but one must acknowledge the authority that designates what the wrong-doing is." In their view, Christ's love depends upon obedience to his authority. Therefore, to them, Christ's love is, in fact, highly conditional despite being called 'unconditional'. However, they have confused the concept of "Christ's love" with the concept of Christian salvation; in the Christian faith, God's unconditional love is freely given to everyone, but there are conditions for salvation.
They make a similar analysis of so-called unconditional forms of love and compassion in Eastern 'Oneness' religions.
[edit] Religious perspective
In Christianity the term is commonly encountered but vaguely defined. It may be used to indicate God's love for a person irrespective of that person's love for God. The term is not explicitly used in the Bible and advocates for God's conditional or unconditional love, using different passages or interpretations to support their point of view, are both encountered. It may be considered to be closely associated with another non-explicitly biblical, but commonly encountered and vaguely defined, saying: "God loves the sinner, but hates the sin". Once again people have argued, based on variant interpretations of biblical texts, that God does not love the sinner nor the sin, nor give love without merit.
Whilst the phrase has never been used in its official teachings documents the then head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope John Paul II was recorded as saying during a homily in San Francisco, in September 1987, that God "loves us all with an unconditional, everlasting love". He explored issues touching upon this theme in his work Dives in Misericordia (1980) in which the parable of the Prodigal Son becomes a framework for exploring the issue of God's mercy. The civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was quoted as saying “I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality”.
Neopaganism in general, and Wicca in particular, commonly use a traditional inspirational text, Charge of the Goddess , affirming that the Goddess's "law is love unto all beings".
[edit] As a Level of Consciousness
"Unconditional Love" , in Dr. David R. Hawkin's map of consciousness, is reported to be a "calibratable" level of 540 , on arbitrary scale of 1 to 1000, an exponential scale where 600 represents enlightenment. This is also described as the level of joy. According to Hawkins, as the conditions to lovingness are removed and it is made unconditional, it starts to be experienced as inner joy. Less than 1 percent of the population reaches this level of consciousness. This is a very high, yet attainable level of consciousness for most people.
[edit] Reference Works
- Kramer, J. and Alstead D., The Guru Papers: Masks of Authoritarian Power, 1993, ISBN 1-883319-00-5
- Schnarch, David, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, 1998, ISBN 0-8050-5826-5
- Schnarch, David, Constructing the Sexual Crucible; An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy,
- Schnarch, David, Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship.
- Stendal, On Love: The Classic Analysis of Romantic Love
- Tennov, Dorothy, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, 1999
- A discussion project
