User:The Duke of Waltham
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| His Grace The Duke of Waltham | |
 Portrait by Sir Archibald Windsor (1998)
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| Born | Christopher Andrew Chandler 1 January 1980 Boston, Lincolnshire, England |
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| Residence |  Waltham Hall, Lincolnshire, England |
| Nationality | English British |
| Occupation | Businessman, scholar |
| Title | President of Waltham Frozen Foods |
| Known for | Too many achievements to be described here |
| Term | 2000–present |
| Predecessor | Charles Nailo |
| Religious beliefs | Anglican |
| Parents | The Lord Andrew Chandler Melissa Parker-Brydges |
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Christopher Andrew Chandler, 5th Duke of Waltham, GCP (born 1 January 1980), is a British peer, Wikipedian, herald, architect, city-planner, author, historian, biographer, philosopher, amateur psychoanalyst, public-relations expert, Internet legislator, and scholar, as well as Wikipedia's resident sarcastic nobleman.
The son of prominent barrister Lord Andrew Chandler (1957–1988), Waltham succeeded to the dukedom in January 1990, on the death of his uncle, Theodore Walter Chandler, who had no issue.[1]
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[edit] Personal life
Tedious meetings with boring members of the upper class aside, the Duke of Waltham has no personal life whatsoever.[2] He is dedicated to his many hobbies and splits his time between them and his plans for world domination (although the latter could as well be counted as one of the aforementioned hobbies).
For most of the year, His Grace resides at his family seat in Lincolnshire, the 17th-century Waltham Hall; he also spends much time in his London townhouse, and occasionally holidays in his other residences in Great Britain. However, he owns many other houses around the world, most of which he has not visited once, even though he spends huge amounts of money annually for their upkeep. Most of that money ends up funding the Duke's overseas servants' secret raucous parties.[citation needed]
[edit] Career
Although it has traditionally been of paramount importance for most members of his class not to do anything even slightly resembling work, the Duke of Waltham has broken all conventions and has undertaken many significant academic projects, all of which have been duly hailed as absolute successes in their fields (despite their actual outcome). Some of those groundbreaking works include:
- the creation of fictional histories and geographies for the cities His Grace has created in SimCity 4;
- extensive analyses of the fundamental problems of democracy (which have resulted in the conclusion that "people just don't know how to vote the right people to lead them, so they never do");
- the Newbies Regulation Act, a piece of legislation applied in a number of prestigious Internet forums as their Ultimate Law and the basis of all their regulations; and
- ideas for the establishment of world peace after the domination of the world through Wikipedia (see the relevant section below).
Undertakings like the above listed ones have helped thousands of people globally and have earned the Duke considerable reputation worldwide.
The Duke also highly enjoys making psychoanalytical diagnoses based on educated guesswork under the alias of Dr Sigmund Fraud, charging exorbitant fees and having much fun in the process. In addition to said outrageous prices, he profits even further by subsequently blackmailing his customers, from whom he has cunningly extracted numerous intimate and embarrassing secrets; as he is no real psychoanalyst, he breaches no etiquette by acting in such a manner.
Currently, His Grace is authoring his latest novel, A Beautiful Wikipedian, the plot of which revolves around a successful sysop whose world collapses when he realises that he is schizophrenic and that Wikipedia does not really exist.
[edit] Work in Wikipedia
Although he has not contributed to Wikipedia as much as other editors have, Waltham is preparing plans to make many and memorable contributions to the noble encyclopaedia that will ensure his great popularity and good reputation, and will eventually lead to his being elected as the Supreme Ruler of Wikipedia (a post he intends to create as soon as he deposes Jimbo through the use of a combination of mass hypnosis and famous-sounding quotes).
For the time being, however, the Duke is mostly interested in succession boxes, and he is an esteemed member of The Right Honourable Wiki-Project on the Standardisation of Succession Boxes, which has fascinated him and the scope of which has found him very agreeable. His Grace is also spending time in such trivial janitorial tasks as typographic and grammar correction, link redirecting, article restructuring, wikification, and others. Finally, redirects and categorisation are of a certain appeal to him, and he considers offering a part of his precious resources to these sectors of operations in the future.
[edit] Peerages
Apart from the Dukedom of Waltham, His Grace holds the subsidiary titles of Marquess of Humbermouth, Earl of Boston, and Lord Cleethorpes. Although the marquessate—the only one of these titles in the Peerage of Great Britain—has come into the family by marriage, the earldom and barony have been specially created for members of the Chandler family, which shows just how important this family is. In other words, show the proper respect to the Duke (and give him many, many shiny barnstars).
The courtesy title used by the Duke's eldest son and heir is Earl of Boston; the style of Lord Boston's eldest son and heir is Lord Cleethorpes.
This is all you will need to know; further information about any of these peerages can be found nowhere else on Wikipedia, nor will it ever be in the future.
[edit] Arms
The Duke of Waltham is entitled to several tens of quarterings, this accumulation being a product of many good marriages. The last two Dukes have been displaying four of them in their arms, which can be seen on the left; the blazon is the following:
Shield: Quarterly first Azure a chevron between three towers Argent second per fess wavy Vert and Gules in chief three roses Argent barbed and seeded proper and in base two fleurs-de-lys Or third Gules a lion rampant Or gorged with a collar gemel Azure holding in its dexter forepaw a torch Sable enflamed and holding in its mouth a sprig of maple proper fourth Azure a Bend engrailed between two escallops Argent all within a bordure quarterly Or and Argent.
Crest: On a wreath Argent and Azure upon the battlements of a tower Argent a boar passant Ermines langued Gules armed crined unguled and winged Argent the underside of each wing charged with a cross Gules and supporting with its dexter forehoof an escallop Argent; mantled Azure doubled Argent.
Supporters: On either side a sea-lion the upper parts Argent the nether part Azure finned Argent langued Gules the dexter ducally crowned and the sinister crowned with a naval crown Or each charged on the shoulder with an escallop Azure that of the dexter supporter charged with a fleur-de-lys Or and that of the sinister with a rose Argent barbed and seeded proper all upon water barry wavy Argent and Azure.
Motto: UTENS DIVITIAS MARIS (Latin for "Building on the wealth of the sea")
His Grace's badge, which is used more freely than the arms, is the following:
Badge: A sea-lion sejant Azure goutty d'eau finned Argent breathing fire proper ducally crowned and resting the dexter foot upon a tower Or.
[edit] Awards and other distinctions
In January 2002, the Duke of Waltham was appointed by Her Majesty The Queen a Knight Grand Cross in the Most Southern and Most Noble Order of the Penguin.[3] The Duke also holds several honorary positions in various institutions and learned societies around the realm and the Commonwealth, and is affiliated with many prominent organisations active in a variety of different fields. Most importantly, he is Master of the Worshipful Company of Evil Grin Manufacturers (yes, Evil Grins™ are a commodity).
Although His Grace has yet to receive any notable awards from Wikipedia for his undoubtedly invaluable services to the Community, he has already established the connections necessary for the acquisition of said distinctions. You can rest assured; when the awards appear on this page, you will know that the agreed upon monetary amounts will have been deposited in the proper (bank) accounts.
[edit] Current undertakings
Since early in his Wikipedia career, Waltham has been a notable participant in the WikiProject concerning the standardisation of succession boxes and the replacement of the old-type boxes with the new, improved models. His work in said WikiProject has already yielded satisfying results, and has resulted in the implementation of several drastic changes.
Furthermore, His Grace is involved in inter-Project politics, and is a self-appointed Counsellor. He aims to help with the organisation of the Council's resources and supply it with ideas that might help promote the closer co-ordination of WikiProjects.
The Duke is currently supporting the effort to introduce new mark-up for hard spaces, which is organised here. Hard spaces are an important feature that improves page layout, and this effort attempts to spread its use by making it easier to edit text with hard spaces.
Apart from the above, of course, there is the ongoing attempt of the Duke to take over Wikipedia (and the world), hearing about which you have undoubtedly grown tired of and which is always first in his list of pending tasks. That is, until it is removed altogether when this goal is achieved (and not if it is achieved, as some very stupid people have at times commented).
Here it should be noted that there is no Cabal on Wikipedia. Despite the attempts of some pathetic dim-witted buffoons to expose the existence of such a clandestine organisation within the ranks of Wikipedians, the truth is that "the Cabal" is nothing but yet another disguise for The Conspiracy, the real power behind the scenes. But you haven't learned this from this page, so please be as kind as to forget immediately what you have just read.
Don't say you haven't been warned.
[edit] See also
[edit] Notes
- ^ Appleton, Stephen C. "Shrimp magnate dies", The Times, 17 January 1990.
- ^ Waltham, Christopher Andrew, Duke of (2006). My Autobiography of Myself (2nd ed.). Random House.
- ^ "Honours for England: Midlands and the East", BBC News, 31 December 2001. Retrieved on 6 November 2005.
| Political offices | ||
|---|---|---|
| Preceded by The Great Khan as Omnipotent Dictator of SBS |
Benevolent Dictator of SBS November 2007 – present |
Incumbent |
| Honorary titles | ||
| Preceded by Sir Stephen Cole Bertram |
Master of the Worshipful Company of Evil Grin Manufacturers 1996 – present |
Incumbent |
| Peerage of the United Kingdom | ||
| Preceded by Theodore Walter Chandler |
Duke of Waltham 1990 – present |
Incumbent |
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