The Toronto Song

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“The Toronto Song”
Single by Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie from the album Con Troupo Comedius
Genre	comedy
Writer(s)	Wes Borg, Joe Bird, Neil Grahn , Cathleen Rootsaert

"The Toronto Song" is a comedy song by Canadian comedy group Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, often incorrectly attributed to The Arrogant Worms. It is one of many songs (including “The White House Burned (The War of 1812)”) the Trolls did that is often attributed to the Arrogant Worms. Originally on the Con Troupo Comedius cassette tape, The Toronto Song also appears on the CD Skit Happens, a greatest hits collection of Three Dead Trolls skits. Before the tape, the song had spread across Canada but most listeners didn't know the song's name. It was (and still is) often believed to be called “The Ontario Song” or “Ontario Sucks”.

The song starts with the Trolls (who are from Edmonton, Alberta) saying how much they hate the city of Toronto, its people and landmarks. They then realize they hate all of Ontario, and finally all of Canada (minus Alberta but including Calgary). The criticisms of other parts of Canada ranges from practical ("Prince Edward Island is too small") to the absurd ("Manitoba's population density is 1.9 people per square kilometer. Isn't that stupid?").

The song refers to elitism many Canadians believe to exist in Toronto, often derided as the "centre of the universe". The end lyics "Cuz Alberta doesn't suck / But Calgary does" refers to the rivalry between the cities of Edmonton and Calgary. The Trolls do make fun of their province by saying Alberta's great because the province has "lots of cows, and trees and rocks and dirt". They also mention "the Ontario Zoo", which does not actually exist. Toronto does have a zoo, but it is called the Toronto Zoo.

The song was recorded with only a couple guitars. Later, a remake of the song, entitled "The Toronto Song 2001", had a full band performing the music and included a guitar solo and different banter.

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