Phaic Tăn

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Phaic Tăn

Phaic Tăn: Sunstroke on a Shoestring
Author Tom Gleisner; Santo Cilauro; Rob Sitch
Country Australian
Language English
Subject(s) Fictional country
Genre(s) Travel; comedy
Publisher Jetlag Travel
Publication date 2004
Pages 256
ISBN 1-74066-199-0
Preceded by Molvanîa
Followed by San Sombrèro

Phaic Tăn is an imaginary country created by Australians Tom Gleisner, Santo Cilauro, and Rob Sitch, and is the basis for a parody travel guidebook Phaic Tăn: Sunstroke on a Shoestring. It is the effective sequel to Molvanîa which was also published by Jetlag Travel and written by Tom Gleisner, Santo Cilauro, and Rob Sitch.

Contents

[edit] Country profile

Phaic Tăn is said to be situated in Southeast Asia. Place names in Phaic Tăn initially seem to be Vietnamese or Thai, but they form English language puns, hence the capital is called "Bumpahttabumpah" ("bumper to bumper"). "Phaic Tăn" can be read as "Fake Tan". Also, the districts are the mountainous "Pha Phlung", the fertile "Sukkondat", the hyper "Buhng Lunhg", and the exotic "Thong On."

The Kingdom of Phaic Tăn is a composite creation of a number of stereotypes and clichés about Southeast Asian countries.

The country was formerly a colony of France, but was liberated in the early 20th century through student and Communist uprisings. A Marxist dictatorship under Chau Quoc continued until his death in 1947, which prompted the country to launch into a lengthy civil war. Eventually a CIA-backed coup ("Operation Freedom") made the country into a military dictatorship which it remains to this day. The country has a popular royal family, though the current king has been deposed no less than 25 times.

Like Molvanîa, the humor of the book comes from the guide's attempts to present Phaic Tăn as an attractive, enjoyable country when it is really little more than a squalid, third-world dump. The country is frequently plagued by monsoons and earthquakes and many armed militia groups still patrol the streets.

The Phaic Tanese language is a tonal language with four tones, sharing similarities with Chinese, and on average is spoken with 192 syllables per minute.

The Phaic Tăn people are presented to be extremely superstitious, and obsessed with the concept of luck. The index of the book contains a list of almost 6,000 numbers the Phaic Tănese consider lucky, plus two considered unlucky (3 and 6). Turning left while driving is also considered unlucky, which causes a lot of traffic problems. Also unlucky is asking for a non-exotic massage, having more than 5 holes in Quic Pot, and to lose a lottery.

The Phaic Tăn website features a spoof soap opera called Pyangtru Yix Qaugen (Hospital of Hearts) in which the characters (Doctor Lahbkot, 3-star General Kpow and his much younger millionairess wife) speaks in what appears to be a dialect of Chinese spoken in Taiwan and parts of Fujian, Vietnamese and some heavily accented garbled sounds made to resemble Korean, subtitled in a stilted form of English, with curious turns of phrase and double entendres. This is a parody of the English subtitles often encountered on kung fu movies, or an attempt at Engrish.

[edit] Geography and provinces

According to the book, Phaic Tăn is a country situated in South-east Asia. It is shown in the book's map as being bounded to the south by the Lhong Chuk Sea and the Pong and Kut Rivers to the north and east respectively.

Phaic Tăn is depicted as being roughly 650 kilometres abroad from east-west at its broadest point and the same distance from its far geographical north-east tip to the Pong Delta in the country's south-east.

The country is divided by several rivers, including the Sirikan, Upper Kut and the Nahkthong. The country's major rivers are the Pong and Nahkthong, which both finish in the Pong and Nahkthong Deltas respectively.

The capital of Phaic Tăn is Bumpattabumpah, which is situated in a roughly central position on the Pong River and at the west end of the Upper Kut River. Bumpattabumpah is Phaic Tăn's largest city, and presumably the most populous.

According to the book, Bumpattabumpah means 'water convergence' and refers to the fact that the city is situated where the country's main river, the Pong meets untreated effluent from a sewage treatment plant further upstream. Also, Bupattabumpah was previously named 'Phxux Xauan' but was changed because a survey revealed that less than 12% of the population were able to pronounce it.

An in-book map of Bumpattabumpah shows the names of its suburbs, all English language puns: Qic Phuk, Phlat Tiht and Dud Bhonk. Many of the names of the roads throughout the city are also English puns, as is the name of the city's, and country's major airport, Phlat Chat Airport.

Phaic Tăn is made up of four provinces (going in order clockwise), Sukkondat, Pha Phlung, Buhng Lung and Thong On. The provinces are connected by roads, but not by rail, as rail gauges vary throughout the country and sometimes even on the same line.

Sukkondat is traditionally Phaic Tăn's poorest province, due to the infertility of its soil, lack of natural resources and high number of casinos. An agricultural province, farmers harvest hay in order to camouflage their true primary crop, opium. The capital of the province is Sloh Phan, which is located about ninety kilometres north-east of Gunsa Wah, Phaic Tăn's tallest peak, at 2150 metres in height. Despite the fact that that Sukkondat receives less than 2% of all visitors to Phaic Tăn every year, this statistic hasn't stopped its local Tourism Bureau from declaring the province 'the place to be'.

Pha Phlung in the country's northeast is mountainous and renowned for its rainforests, waterfalls and mud-slides. Pha Phlung is traditionally known as the 'Land Of A Thousand Tigers' and while actual numbers may be closer to seven (counting five in the Lom Buak Grand Circus), nature walks through Pha Phlung are an excellent way to see nature and wildlife up close. The capital of this wet and humid province is Nham Pong.

According to the book, Buhng Lung is a busy province where all car horns have cruise control, set to go off every ten seconds. The Pong Delta is located in the south-east of the Buhng Lung province. The capital city of Bumpattabumpah is located in the north of the province. High smog levels in the capital city mean that office blocks require no window tinting, a result of heavy amounts of air pollution. In 1997, developers announced plans to build the tallest office block in the world. Construction actually began but only a short while after the foundations were dug the Asian economic crisis hit, meaning the project was completely shelved. Bumpattabumpah now boasts the largest unfenced hole in the world.

Thong On is an exotic province of which Pattaponga, located on the coast of Kru Kut Bay, is the capital. The coast is composed of many beaches. Of particular note is Zou Kow Bow Beach, which is said to have the whitest sand of any beach in the world. Accordingly, the beach sand's whiteness was formed in the 19th century by the rare combination of global warming and a huge spill from a tanker carrying laundry bleach.


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