Wikipedia:Peer review/Duncan Edwards/archive1

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[edit] Duncan Edwards

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I only initially began work on this article because I happened to be in Dudley and decided to kill some time photographing places associated with the player, but now that I've spent some time on it I reckon its close to FA status. I modelled it mainly on the existing FA on Gilberto Silva, but would appreciate comments on what I might still need to work on............ ChrisTheDude (talk) 19:01, 25 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Comments from The Rambling Man (talk · contribs)

As ever, a lovely bit of work. To my comments...

  • I noticed when I checked the references you use englandstats.com. Is there any reason why you couldn't use the FA's official website? I seem to recall they have a page for every match including, as a minimum, the line-ups of each team...
    • done
  • "to 31 Elm Road " - little bit too trivial for me, actual street addresses...
    • done
  • "and was also on the school's morris dancing team." - could be confusing a degree, you've mentioned his own school and the Dudley schools team. Perhaps "he also represented his school..."? Not a big deal. Actually, having said all that, is his morris dancing a big deal or, again, is it a little trivial? Did he have a big decision to make - "Manchester United or Morris Dancing?"?
    • done, but see below for further comment......
      • added a bit about the "morris v football" dilemma, and even managed to work in a link to ESFA as well :-)
  • Any way of linking into English Schools Football Association? Just a suggestion really, no big deal.
    • The problem there is that the ESFA page doesn't even mention the national schools XI. I suppose I could re-word the relevant sentence to something like "the national schools team organised by ESFA", but that sounds really clunky to me......
  • "Edwards began his Manchester United career in the youth team and was amongst the team that won the first ever FA Youth Cup final in 1953,[19] but on April 4, 1953, shortly before the final, he made his first team debut in a Football League First Division match against Cardiff City, which United lost 4–1.[20] " - too much. Split, somehow! Perhaps it's a "first ever FA Youth Cup final in 1953 despite already making his first team debut earlier in the year. Playing Cardiff in the ..."? I don't know. Could you merge the second sentence with the "Aged just 16 years and 185 days, he was the youngest player ever to play in the top division.[21] " sentence which is split from this lot? It just reads a little too heavily for me right now.
    • done
  • "ageing nature of his team" - I know exactly what you mean but all teams have an ageing nature! Rephrase I think.
    • done
  • "to the Continent " a little colloquial.., perhaps mainland Europe?
    • done
  • "made 7 appearances " - you know what I'm going to say? seven
    • done
  • "which included a 10–0 win over Anderlecht which remains " - "including a 10–0 win over Anderlecht which remains..." - removes one which.
    • done
  • "captain. [45][46]" - space before citations must go.
    • done
  • Full stops in captions that are not fragments.
    • done
  • "Both Edwards' parents outlived him, his father dying on June 27, 1978 at the age of 70 and his mother on April 15, 2003 at the age of 93.[63]" not 100% convinced of the relevance really. Most people who die young are outlived by their parents?
    • done, binned it
  • Ooh, those tables are pretty grim (the style, not the content). Have a look at James Milner - his article has nicey tables.
    • done
  • "Outside football Edwards was a teetotaller " - read funny to me, so inside football he may not have been?! I'd start with "Edwards was a teetotaller and outside football he was....".
    • done

Excellent stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Let me know when you're at FAC! The Rambling Man (talk) 10:57, 27 February 2008 (UTC)

  • Cheers for the comments, I'll get onto them ASAP. On the morris dancing point, apparently he did have to choose between representing his school/county/can't remember at the national championships and attending his trial for the England schools football team, so yes there was a bit of dilemma there which could be said to be relevant to his career. I'll emphasise that in the article when I'm at home as I can then cite the page in the book ChrisTheDude (talk) 13:13, 27 February 2008 (UTC)
  • definitely all done now! ChrisTheDude (talk) 20:29, 27 February 2008 (UTC)
    • Cool. I'm certain this will be an interesting FAC. While I'm sure (right now) it'll make it, I'm certain the Man Utd experts may have plenty to offer. As far as I'm concerned, as a neutral (but interested one, at that), it's a quality article. Great, great work. The Rambling Man (talk) 20:35, 27 February 2008 (UTC)
      • Yup, neutral but interested pretty much sums up my take on the subject. As mentioned above, I literally only began working on this article because I'd taken the photos whilst killing some time in Dudley..... :-) ChrisTheDude (talk) 20:41, 27 February 2008 (UTC)
        • Well perhaps you should spend some disinterested time in a number of other places! I'm not massaging your ego any more. This is a nice bit of work and I'm already looking forward to your next opus. The Rambling Man (talk) 20:44, 27 February 2008 (UTC)

[edit] Comments from Struway2 (talk · contribs)

Very quick technical ones.

  • Spelling of sister's name is inconsistent (Carol/Carole).
    • done - think I must have been thinking of my mother-in-law when I typed "Carole", as that's her name......
  • You may want to have a quick look at WP:MOS#Images. Images in portrait format should have the 'upright' parameter, and you need a good reason for specifying a width where the 'thumb' parameter is present.
    • done - goes to show you're never too experienced to learn things you never realised about WP :-)
  • Caption of book cover image shouldn't have full stop as it isn't a complete sentence.
    • done
  • Would the reflist look better in two columns?
    • done

Interesting article, though I do find rows of footnote numbers detract from readability (this isn't a criticism of your article, it's a general whinge about all well-referenced articles; I understand perfectly well the need for loads of footnotes, I just wish the superscript numbers weren't so intrusive) cheers, Struway2 (talk) 10:41, 29 February 2008 (UTC)