User:Orla Monaghan

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Contents 1 Orla Monaghan 1.1 Early Life 1.1.1 Traumatic Move 1.1.2 Irish Upbringing and Early Education 1.1.3 Secondary Schooling 1.2 Maturation 1.2.1 Sexuality 1.2.1.1 Straight and Narrow 1.2.1.2 Debatable 1.2.2 Growth Spurts 1.2.3 3d Level Education 1.3 Early Career 1.3.1 Menial Tasks 1.3.2 Her First Break 1.4 The Accident 1.4.1 Injuries 1.4.2 Cancelled Modeling Contract 1.4.3 Depression Spiral 1.4.3.1 Suicide Attempts 1.4.3.1.1 Attempt 1 1.4.3.1.2 Attempt 2 1.4.3.1.3 Attempt 3 1.4.3.1.4 Attempt 4 1.5 The Comeback! 1.5.1 Death

[edit] Orla Monaghan

Orla Monaghan, a famous Irish musical star who has repeatedly overcome adversity is heralded as one of Ireland's last living true cultural gems.

[edit] Early Life

Orla, unbeknown to many, is in fact a citizen of Great Britain. Born in the predominantly Irish slums of South-East London she found solice from her hardship through song. Orla came to love the close-knit community she found there, making friends with a girl named Sarah, and spending her days collecting rubbish.

[edit] Traumatic Move

However, all was not to stay so blisful for young Orla as the rubbish collecting market began to under-go a process of modernisation in the aftermath of the industrial revolution. Her family was made redundant, like many families in the area, and were forced to seek work and emigrate to Ireland. Orla was but 10 years of old. She sang of the trauma of leaving her dear "friend" Sarah, in one of her most famous balads- "Queen of the Dump".

[edit] Irish Upbringing and Early Education

Back in London, her common "Paddy-Brit" accent had seen her suffer a painful lack of integration into the predominantly protestant primary school "Saints of Saint Taylor". Ironically, Orla, with her strong British accent found integration into the Irish educational system particularly difficult and accused of being a British spy by many young children. Hence one of her greatest songs reflecting on her childhood- "The Spy Who Never Loved Me".

[edit] Secondary Schooling

Orla's isolation remained consistent during her six years of secondary schooling. She began to withdraw into herself, lost all interest in personal hygene and began to experiment with older men in a bid to find some sense of self-worth.

[edit] Maturation

Orla suffered from chronic inflammatory bowel disease which saw her onset of puberty come much later than that of her peers, having her first period at age 17.

[edit] Sexuality

The biological changes she began to undergo saw an equal change in her social maturation. She began to become extremely sexually preditorial- a common side effect of bowel-disease-related-delayed-puberty.

[edit] Straight and Narrow

Orla initially mimiced her female peers and began to engage in illicit engagements with boys. She sings in "Millenium Madness"... "it was mad, it was mad, skantly skanly clad, it was mad"... a line which was the subject of much cultural outrage at the time, and now the subject of much academic analysis. An article entitled "The songs of teenage desire" by Maeve Binchy in The Irish Times describes the song as "one of the bravest, most influential subtext-rich lines ever sung by an Irish throat".

[edit] Debatable

However, Orla soon began to find men unable to enirely satisfy her sexually veratious appetites. Due to the cultural mores and taboos surrounding homosexuality in post-famine Ireland, little is known of Orla's lesbian engagements, though some scholars suggest some hints can be gleamed from a line in "Don't stop this Madness" which goes "My pals and I, we drank we fell, we fumbled in the dark. Her eyes were sweet, her arse was fine- (whisper) Ruth, Ruth Ruth".

[edit] Growth Spurts

Another side effect of her bowels was that she grew "massive fun-bags" as she sang in "The loss of Youth- the gain and game of Life". Photos of the time compared to those today seem to indicate that the breasts may not have been entirely natural, though there is debateable evidence to suport it.

[edit] 3d Level Education

Orla commenced an Arts degree at the National University of Ireland, Galway (NUIG), but soon dropped out in late second year due to what some believe was the first of her abortions.

[edit] Early Career

Indeed Orla's original profession was far from the glammour that she was to enjoy some years down the line.

[edit] Menial Tasks

Her main job was working in a newsagent on the popular Quay Street in Galway. She would spend some 14 years here, in the same job, in the same postion, repeatedly performing the same tasks. In "That bloody Shop" she sang "I wanted more, I knew it true, but my broken heart was black and blue". Scholarly writings suggest that her many abortions had taken a hard toll on her confidence as a person- divided between two different aspects of herself; a dovote-catholic and a woman of questionable sexual virtue. Her song "Slag-Saint" speaks volumes.

[edit] Her First Break

While humming a tune she had written, a shop customer overheard her and took an instant interest. Little did she know that he was none other than chief executive producer Phil Spencer. A flurry of interest was to begin in Orla with the backing and finances of Spencer. A gruelling routine of recording, concerts and record promotions saw Orla rocket from obscurity to the number 4 postion on the Irish charts with "I'm a tit... for Love".

[edit] The Accident

Tragically, only 2 years after releasing her first single, during her third tour of Ireland she suffered a massive electrical shock on stage in a bar in Galway called Stanos. The exact details of the accident remain shrouded in mystery, though some say that Orla had rejected the advances of her now "out" friend Nora who had become wildly obsessed with her. Others claim that Orla was an attention-seeking bitch and staged the whole thing. The ensuing Garda investigation was called off early, leaving the issue unsolved.

[edit] Injuries

In any event, Orla's injuries were horrendous. Now let's not get it wrong, Orla was no prize-winning pig-oil-portrait. She was alright. Not bad by any stretch of the word, despite rumours that she needed an hour and a half's make-up before she was fit to see. The live cable which she stood on was carrying an estimated 4,000 volts which climbed her leg, entered her, and discharged through her eye into the microphone. Her face, it is claimed by some witnesses, "expolded" all over the first two rows. She was rushed to hospital where large parts of her buttocks were grafted to her face. The result was less than pleasing for Orla who reportedly said dispondently upon viewing the results "It looks like you stitched my arse to my face".

[edit] Cancelled Modeling Contract

Orla's modeling contract with an Aran Sweater catalogue was swiftly revoked- this was perhaps the greatest blow.

[edit] Depression Spiral

Things went from bad to worse for Orla, who sat in darkness alone, occasionally pleasuring a stranger or two for cash. The ensuing abortions were to take a further toll on Ms. Monaghan's state of mind.

[edit] Suicide Attempts

Orla soon realised that the best option for her was to end it all. Unfortuately her plans were over-elaborate and under-thought-out.

[edit] Attempt 1

She established a chain of small fireworks whereby one would ignite the next in sequence, to form an impressive domino-effect. The plan went wrong and four children were lost.

[edit] Attempt 2

She attempted to gas herself with her head in the oven a-la-Plath. She had forgotten to remove the chicken and the smell of it cooking made her decide to eat and THEN kill herself. The chicken was delicious. She ate a great deal of it. She felt too unwell to keep her head at an angle to her body. Fearing a vommity-oven she decided to postpone the deed.

[edit] Attempt 3

She decided to be more pragmatic and hang herself. While attaching the noose to the roof she slipped and detached her anterior cruciate ligament. Foiled yet again.

[edit] Attempt 4

Orla was determined this time. She procured a handgun, placed the barrel in her mouth, enjoyed it slightly, and pulled the trigger. Orla awoke two years later to much media attention. In what was described as a fluke "100,000:1 event" the bullet grazed her spinal collum and deflected out the side of her head and through her kitchen window. The bullet met two children, both of whom were lost. The court decided that given the accidental nature of the deaths and Ms. Monaghan's life expectency (Oh yeah, Orla was rendered a parapelegic by the gunshot) that she would not be charged with Manslaughter. She was sentenced to a "humaine death" for murder.

[edit] The Comeback!

While on death row Orla released what would be her last song- "Bloody kids". It was an international smash taking in an estimated €2.4 million. Orla, unable to spend the money, graciously donated it to The British National Party (BNP).

[edit] Death

Orla was executed hillariously by combining all four of her unsuccessful suicide attempts.

Tragically, she never got to see her dream realised- a Britian without Blacks.