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James I
Birth name Iacobus Vibius Papilla
Papacy began April 19, 2005
Papacy ended April 21, 2005
Predecessor Pope John Paul II
Successor Benedict XVI
Born 22 January 1282
Colchester, Essex, England

His Holiness Antipope James I (Latin: Jacobus PP. I), born Iacobus Vibius Papilla on 22 January 1282 in Colchester, Essex, England, was elected the 4,782nd Antipope of the Roman Catholic Church on April 19, 2005. After a two-day bacchanal, he abdicated, and the throne was given to Joseph "Cardinal" Ratzinger, who took the name Benedict XVI.

Contents

[edit] Life of the Holy Father

[edit] Early Life

It is unclear how James I became Pope, given that he has, in fact, been dead since AD 1354. According to the Really Really Secret, No-we-mean-it-stop-arsing-about-and-help-lift Archives of the Vatican, St. Vibius "Papilla" was born without pain or trauma to his mother, the divine saint Debra Vibia, in the late days of January in the Year of Our Lord Twelve Hundred and Eighty-Two. It is said that Saint Debra had received word of her child's holiness by means of a dream in which six lambs, each one more deformed than the next, passed before her pregnancy and were healed; the saint's father, Donald Vibius, conamed "Christopher", later reported having a similar dream, albeit not from his wife's point of view. When the child was not yet 22 months old, demons pushed him from the cliff where he had been playing; while angels were quick to shield the child from death, he did suffer a fracture which left a bump under his right knee, and for which he was cruelly nicknamed Papilla. There are also stories that he held a rattlesnake at bay whilst on a boat in the River Auroche; the snake, although ready to strike, seemed held back as if by unseen force, while the child simply reached out his hand to grasp the snake.

His father and mother, both artists, were often required to move given their somewhat extemporaneous lifestyle; they proceded to live throughout the holy city of Sassaparvo, eventually settling in the Western Wood before the saint's sixth birthday. It was at this time that the saint's father became a very skilled carpenter, making many adornments for our most Holy Mother Church, for which he received much praise.

The little saint attended schooling with others of his class, where he often was found leading them in holy devotions and children's masses. It was as this time that the most holy saint performed his first miracles, curing those children of their minor aches and brusies. Here he also learned to read and write, showing great promise in both skills. He also developed a love for music, especially the more rousing hymns.

[edit] The Knights Templar Years

Shortly after leaving the institution in the Western Wood, the holy man took up orders with the Knights Templar on the assumption that he would needs be a soldier for God against the Heathens. Instead, he discovered the corruption and filth which filled up to the very corners of that order, and, railing against their doomed beliefs, found himself in short order imprisoned in the Monastery of San Giovanni outside Ravenna. One highlight of this period was the instantanious friendship with the famous Saint Carlos del'Artes, whose work in illuminations and manuscripts went unrivalled for many thousands of years. These were also the years in which he entered the Hosptialiers, and during which he developed a love for nature and the natural philosophies, including those of the Moorish school and Roger Bacon, whom he met, through his student Brother William of Baskerville, at Oxford.

[edit] The Monastery of St. Christopher Cynocephalous

In his fortieth year, the saint came upon the Monastery of the Order of Saint Christopher Cynocephalous, a small double-house in the mountains surrounding the Po, where he was accepted and made welcome. There he studied art, natural philosophy, and the Latin Masters, among other subjects, and in good stead made fast friendships with St. Ross of Vienna, St. Erica Silvestra and St. Jason Isodoris. At this time he also began teaching Natural Philosophy at the University of Mantua, then staffed by some of the wisest men in all of Chistendom: the knights Davide Houllette and Andreus Ambulator; the Irish fathers Sean and Ian Argylle; and the indominatable Bishop Artuos, through whom he met the patroness of Mantua, Lady Anastasia, at whose behest he was wont to have many adventures.

[edit] Death and Afterlife

When he had reached the ripe age of seventy-six, the Saint passed from us into the hands of God. He was entombed in the crypt of St. Christopher Cynocephalous, where it was reported (by the Venitians) that miracles could be had for the sum of sixpence per miracle, a shilling for tomb-scrapings and a half crown for fragments of his skeleton.

He was recognised as a Saint by the church in 1383, and his feast-day was set at 22 January.

[edit] Works

  • De collectione parvae paridum astragali, quomodove visum meum abscondui
  • Dies mardis Deo
  • Missae ad illem malum nequamque Iasonem Isodorem
  • Liber rogationum in naturam plusquam parvissimarum rerum, adcumque instructiones de aedifacitione microscopis (Lost)

[edit] Churches Named for Him

The Church of St. Papilla, in Milton Keynes, was named for him, as was an abbey near Bournemouth-on-Sea that was, alas, destroyed by the Puritans for its "naughty bits".

[edit] Papacy

The Papacy of St. Vibius Papilla is not known for much, except for a two-day Medician bacchanal, a papal bull prohibiting frivilous papal bulls, and the excommunication of the entire Discordian papacy.

[edit] Election to the papacy

On April 19, 2005 Saint Papilla was elected as the successor to Pope John Paul II on the second day of the papal conclave after four ballots, three drinks, two orgies and a dwarf-tossing. Coincidentally, April 19 is the feast of St. Leo IX, a German pope and saint. What meaning this may have for the Saint is not understood.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the College of Cardinals, Saint Papilla had appeared on the balcony and addressed the crowd thusly:

Fratelli e sorelle carissimi; queridísimos hermanos y hermanas; bien chers frères et sœurs; liebe Brüder und Schwestern; dear brothers and sisters:
Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum.
Habemus Papam:
Eminentissimum ac Reverendissimum Dominum,
Sanctus Iacobus Vibius Papilla
qui sibi nomen imposuit Iacobus Primus

Which translates to:

Dear brothers and sisters, dear brothers and sisters, dear brothers and sisters, dear brothers and sisters, dear brothers and sisters:
(here the new pope paused to give the record player a bump)
I announce to you a great joy:
We got Pope!
The most Eminent and Reverend Lord,
Saint Jacob Vibius Papilla
who has taken to himself the name of James I.

Following this, before he gave the traditional Urbi et Orbi blessing, the blessed saint said the following, in bad Norman French:

Dear brothers and sisters, after the great Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals have elected me, a man already dead for several centuries, as Pope.
This is thought to streamline the process, as Popes have traditionally been near death for centuries; electing a corpse--albiet that of a saint--seemed logical at the time.
But man, we'd had a few. If anyone has seen the Sacred Underpants of the Most Reverend Father, we want them back. And another case of Retsina. And would someone come and clean the sick out of the chapel of St. Benedict? Thanks.

He then gave a blessing to the people, and fell down the stairs.

[edit] Choice of name

The choice of the name James (Latin Iacobus) has no significance whatsoever. However, Pope James did note that his name was the same as the apostle called "beloved," and "closest to Jesus." Citing scripture, Pope James mentioned that he was, in fact, "tighter than a v****'s a*** with Our Lord and Saviour."

[edit] Abdication

After two days, the Saint remembered that he was dead. Saying a little mass, he commended himself to heaven with some pious ejaculations. Following this, the College met again and elected Pope Benedict XVI.

[edit] Never Mind the Bollocks

For those of you still lost, the preceding was a most glorious fabrication.

In principio, I am a white male in his mid-twenties, and currently a master's candidate in the Department of English at the University of Arkansas. Eventually I'd like to move on and get my PhD in something fun, like Medieval Literature and/or Anglo-Saxon/Scandihoovian Lit. One day, if they would let me, I would like to be the Master of Jesus (thank you, Lynda Coon).

I'm an Anarchist Pacifist Pro-Labour scholar. My own heroes include Grizz Hayhurst, Utah Phillips, Dick Feynman, and Robert A. Heinlein; along with M. Aurelius and the Hávamál, these men form the core of my philosophical views (in what proportion depends on how I'm feeling at the time).

I tend to lurk in the Medieval, Literary, and Historical sections of Wikipedia, though I will occasionally fix wonky prose and grammar. I'm also slowly working on putting up a copy of Boethius' De Arithmetica at Wikisource.