Nice guy

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"Nice guy" is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture for a male with certain personality traits and behaviour.[1]

Contents

[edit] The "nice guys finish last" view

A common stereotype is that "nice guys finish last."[2] The phrase is attributed to baseball manager Leo Durocher. Leo was pretty quiet after the Cubs blew a big lead to the Mets in 1969. ;[3] though Durocher was originally referring to the opposing team rather than to male/female relationship dynamics. The full quote is, "All nice guys. They'll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last."[4]

The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men: in other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks", or "bad boys" in the end. Desrochers (1995) claims that many "sensitive" men do not believe that women want "nice guys" due to their personal experiences.[5] According to McDaniel (2005), popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy." Urbaniak & Killman (2003) write that "Although women often portray themselves as wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, the nice guy stereotype contends that, when actually presented with a choice between such a 'nice guy' and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally-closed, 'macho man' or 'jerk,' they invariably reject the nice guy in favor of his "so-called" macho competitor."

An opposing perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for romantic relationship. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." Women have differing opinions about whether "nice guys finish last" sexually or not. Herold & Milhausen (1999) found that 56% of 165 university women agreed with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships. Herold & Milhausen (1999) claim that "while nice guys may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships." However, an immediate conclusion which may be drawn from this is that the longer-term, committed relationships were only sought by the women once they had had their lives overtaken by circumstances of pregnancy, abuse or disease. Another study<http://www.nomarriage.com/articlesex.html> indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man". Further evidence appears in a 2005 study in Prague - "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing" <http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/08/07/INGJ9E31DH1.DTL>

In 2003, Dr. Robert Glover published a book called, No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What you want in Love, Sex, and Life. Glover, a psychotherapist in Bellevue, WA, based his book on experience with his clients and his own life. His book traces the society and family origins of the "nice guy syndrome." His work led to the creation of an online support group for men [1].

Tony Clink offers an explanation for why many women are attracted to the jerk rather than the nice guy: "It's not because women like jerks. Women prefer polite over rude, and attentive over distracted. The problem is the way nice guys present these positive characteristics. In order to appear friendly and romantic, these 'nice guys' think they have to turn off their sexuality. They hide their desires in order not to offend, presenting an androgynous, asexual persona. The first impression they give is one of emasculation, weakness, and lack of desire. At best, they confuse the woman as to whether they even find her attractive..That's what jerks offer women that nice guys don't: they're not afraid to be sexual."[6]

In reality nice guys are not afraid of being sexual. Nice guys just simply do not want to be rude when they first meet someone. Nice guys do not feel they have to turn off their sexuality, this is just a myth by people who try to play psychologist. The problem is most young females are reluctant to get to know nice guys past the first meeting or first date. This is because of their bizarre pre-conceived notions. They will over analyze everything the nice guy says and draw a conclusion to fit their assumption. The young immature female will take his kindness for weakness or they will even assume he is desperate. A common and popular pre-conceived notion of young females is nice guys are suppose to lack self confidence. They will look at the nice guy's modesty and assume he lacks confidence. Young women will even assume the nice guy will be clingy and needy in a relationship. If they heard that one nice guy did something they will assume all nice guys will do the same thing. This is the main reason for many of the pre-conceived notions. A lot of young females will get their perception of nice guys from television, example Dawson's Creek. Just because the character is uptight about adult sexual situations they will assume every nice guy in the real world feel exactly the same way. There is not a problem in the dating world for "nice girls" because males do not analyze women in that way. Males do not consider a woman being a little too nice as a big deal or something to lose sleep over. A young female will take one aspect of someone and assume a whole paragraph of things about the person. Example: He is nice, which means "he has to be this, this and this". Nice guys usually have to deal with a lot of psychobabble from the general public due to numerous assumptions. Psychobabble means the speaker lacks the experience and understanding necessary for proper use of a given psychological term. In other words the person using pyschobabble is just a "want-to-be" psychologist, who lacks true intelligence. Being insecure, needy clingy and controlling in a relationship are actually traits of many bad boys but many immature young females will slap these negative traits on nice guys to justify their negative opinion of them. This is due to their extreme immaturity.

[edit] Research

Researchers are also interested in the "nice guy" phenomenon (McDaniel 2005). Empirical research exists on studying perceptions of the "nice guy" phenomenon (some of which is cited above), women's self-reports or behavior, and comparisons of men's personality traits with their sexual or romantic success. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" also cite empirical research that doesn't use that term, but which addresses qualities that are often associated with "niceness." Results of research are mixed and inconsistent (Herold & Milhausen 1998). Herold & Millhausen conclude that "the answer to the question 'Do nice guys finish last?' is complicated in that it is influenced both by the measurement instruments used and by subject characteristics."

[edit] The "nice guy" construct

One difficulty in studying the "nice guy" phenomenon is due to the ambiguity of the "nice guy" construct. Participants in studies interpret "nice guy" to mean different things. In their qualitative analysis, Herold & Millhausen (1998) found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the nice guy, characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. The young immature majority, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the nice guy to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive." There is not a negative phenomenon associated with "nice girls" because males do not assume or associate negative traits with a female being nice. The bad boys were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." Researchers have operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below (McDaniel 2005). Young females mistakenly associate the arrogant, cocky and inflated ego of the bad boy as just him being self confident. These same young females will mistakenly associate a nice guy's modesty as him lacking self confidence. This is believed to be why the young immature female majority start to make horrible decisions as far as a mate when they are young, which leads to being in an abusive and disfunctional relationship with bad boys. Young women's extreme immaturity makes them less likely to communicate with a nice guy. If a woman feels a guy is being too nice in a relationship, instead of just telling the guy "you don't have to be so nice" which will immediately correct the minor problem, they will instead just make it into a major problem in their head and will not say anything.

[edit] Results of research

Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women (Jensen-Campbell et al. 1995,[7] Herold & Millhausen 1998, Urbaniak 2003, McDaniel 2005).

  • Jensen-Campbell et al. (1995) operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behavior, which included agreeableness and altruism. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency. They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior.
  • Herold & Milhausen (1998) asked a sample of undergraduate women "You meet two men. One, John, is nice but somewhat shy. He has not had any sexual experience. The other, Mike, is attractive, a lot of fun, and has had intercourse with 10 women. Both wish to date you. Whom do you choose?" 54% reported a preference for "John," 18% preferred "Mike," and the rest had no preference.
  • Urbaniak & Killman (2003) constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael," who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves. "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff. "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive. In two studies, Urbaniak & Killman found that women preferred "Nice Todd" over "Neutral" over "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness. They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness." After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype."
  • McDaniel (2005) constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Participants reported a greater likelihood of wanting a second date with the "nice guy" rather than with the "fun/sexy guy."

These studies also cite other research on heterosexual attraction that doesn't mention the "nice guy" term. They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men (e.g. dominance, agreeableness, physical attractiveness, wealth, etc.), and on the sexual success of men with different personality traits, to shed light on the "nice guy" phenomenon.

  • Sadalla, Kenrick, & Vershure (1985)[8] found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men.
  • Botwin, Buss & Shackleford (1997)[10] found that women had a higher preference for surgency and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds.

[edit] Appearance in popular culture

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[edit] References

  1. ^ McDaniel, A. K. (2005).
  2. ^ Urbaniak, G. C. & Kilmann, P. R. (2003). Physical attractiveness and the "nice guy paradox:" Do nice guys really finish last. Sex Roles, 49, 413-426.
  3. ^ Phrases.org.uk. .http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/30/messages/1838.html
  4. ^ Boller, Jr., Paul F.; George, John (1989). They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, and Misleading Attributions. New York: Oxford University Press. ISBN 0-19-505541-1. 
  5. ^ Desrochers, S. (1995). What types of men are most attractive and most repulsive to women. Sex Roles, 32, 375-391.
  6. ^ Clink, Tony. The Layguide, 13. ISBN 0-8065-2602-5. 
  7. ^ Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys really finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 427–440.
  8. ^ Sadalla, E. K., Kenrick, D. T., & Venshure, B. (1987). Dominance and heterosexual attraction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 730–738.
  9. ^ Bogaert, A. F., & Fisher, W. A. (1995). Predictors of university men’s number of sexual partners. Journal of Sex Research, 32, 119–130.
  10. ^ Botwin, M. D., Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). Personality and mate preferences: Five factors in mate selection and marital satisfaction. Journal of Personality, 65, 107–136.
  11. ^ Fuchs, Cynthia. Casino Royale. PopMatters.com, 2006-11-16. Retrieved on 2006-11-25.
  12. ^ Strauss, N. (2005). The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, ISBN 0-06-055473-8, p. 440.

[edit] See also