User:Melzmar

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[[1]] You may be wondering who is Melzmar? You know that twinkle in your eye, or that feeling you get during the first snow of the season, or how rivers seem to calm down indians, or when you're sitting around and you suddenly get a hard on for no reason? All that and more is Melzmar.

1 History
2 Timeline
3 Life
4 Food

[edit] History

Melzmar was born when the earth was still a giant planet of molten lava. His parents, two extremely horny blobs of molten rock, forgot to wear a molten condom and got molten semen all over his mother's molten cooter. Upon his 18th birthday and not having any molten porn, Melzmar decided to sell his soul to the molten devil in exchange for a life in the future. Melzmar was born once more on December 14, 1908 where his extreme disdain for midgets helped him become the owner of the biggest furniture stores west of the Mississippi, Rent-A-Center. During his annual anti-midget furniture sale-a-bration, Melzmar developed an expensive habit of pokémon card collecting. Within three years, Melzmar had acquired the largest collection of pokémon cards in North America at the expense over a third of his furniture company's net worth, an estimated $12 million. For this, Melzmar was relieved of his position as owner and given a nominal seat on the board of directors. For several months, Melzmar suffered from severe depression and shame for nearly ruining football legend John Madden's store for poor fucks, but was luckily able to cure it by getting a penis enlargement operation. Melzmar now holds the record for the world's longest penis. In 1952, Melzmar left the glamorous life of furniture to pursue a career in artificial grass production. For the next 50 years Melzmar worked his way up the corporate ladder of Astro Turf Plus, sucking the occasional dick here or there, to become CEO. In 2003, the company went bankrupt and Melzmar eventually shut down the entire business with his massive cock. For the next two years, Melzmar resided in a cardboard box on 15th Street as per a bet he made with robo-George Washington after loosing a penis sword fighting duel. Melzmar has last been spotted growing catnip on his vast catnip farm in California. Due to the abilities given to him by the Andalites, Melzmar is able to transform into a cat and use the catnip himself. For this reason, Melzmar is regarded as the third largest drug addict of modern times, ahead of him are Bill Cosby and The Bastard Child of Frankenstein.