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The Swiss Knight was an almost legendary figure who worked at Earthterra Market in their Calgary, Alberta location. He was known by those around him as a jack of all trades who could single handedly turn defeat into victory. Some of his greatest accomplishments were in the Deli, but some of his exploits occured in the Front End, Meat Department and Pie Sampling. While a hero among many employees, the Swiss Knight had many an adversary, including Del Le Monte Mancheigo, the only man to have ever crossed blades with the Swiss Knight more than 16 times. While he was never defeated, the Swiss Knight mysteriously disappeared in August of 2005. While some have tried to take his place, most notably the "Squire of Gothos" none have proved to be his equal.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Pre-Earthterra 1.2 Early Earthterra 1.3 The first adversary 1.4 An ally in the Coffee Bar 1.5 The first commendation 1.6 Escape from the dish pit 1.7 Trials of the produce department and coffee bar 1.8 To foreign lands 1.9 Free water, but not for you 1.10 The death of “the man”, the birth of Zorro 1.11 The battle against winter 1.12 Nearly fired 1.13 A sign of things to come 1.14 Alone in the deli 1.15 The day of 1000 turkeys 1.16 The fall of Graeme Kerr 1.17 3 dollars 1.18 The once and future pie sampler 1.19 A store of thieves 1.20 The fan club 1.21 The birth of the Swiss Knight 1.22 Facing an old enemy, and saving the store 1.23 The day of 72 pies 1.24 The Prophesy of Brad 1.25 Denizen of the Deli Once More 1.26 Curse of the antipasto bar 1.27 The Third Commendation 1.28 Duel with the shark 1.29 The Great Chocolate Flood of 05 1.30 A farewell to arms 1.31 The coming of the Warden 2 Coffee Mugs 3 Coworkers of the Knight 4 References

[edit] History

The Saga of the Swiss Knight began long before he was actually known by that name. Traveling across the realms of Earthterra he was called by many names. "The Man", "Zorro" and finally "The Swiss Knight". While some of his exploits have been lost throughout the ages, below are some of his memorable encounters.

[edit] Pre-Earthterra

Little is known about the Swiss Knight before he joined the ranks of Earthterra’s finest. It is rumored that he single-handedly orchestrated the mass exodus of a Nazi Prison Camp running under the guise of a private school. Other rumors tell of all-night Halo 2 matches, mysterious airsoft games, and the writing of the Zombie Accords, which would later play a major role in Earthterra.

[edit] Early Earthterra

When the man who would become the Swiss Knight first walked through the automatic doors of Earthterra, few believed he would go on to shape the Market in the way he did. His first shift, late in August, had him working as a Courtesy Clerk in the busy front-end section of the store. He instantly befriended co-worker Graeme Kerr, Kerr would go on to teach the future Swiss Knight the running of the store. Within the first month of service the Swiss Knight struggled to make a name for himself in the busy confines of the front end. Eventually he came to be known as “the man” for his skills in bag wrapping and price checking. Co-workers became awestruck in hearing of his awesome stories and biting wit.

[edit] The first adversary

While still under the name of “the man” The Swiss Knight’s ability and raw talent soon brought jealousy to other, more senior workers in the store. Most notable was Dan Hall (a senior cashier), who would often berate and yell at “the man” to put away the blue baskets. The Swiss Knights cleverness easily overcame this obstacle and “the man” soon used the phrase “put away those blue baskets” as his personal motto. This enraged Dan who found his own weapons used against him and in an engagement that would soon pass into legend, Dan was forced from the front end in shame. Dan had one more trick up his sleeve and banished the Swiss Knight to the endless isles. It seemed he would be forever doomed to face the isles for hours on end. But once again the Swiss Knight turned the punishment against his captors. In the caverns of Isle 3 he faced the entire isle, not one product was out of line, this was the first time a single courtesy clerk had ever completed such a task. To this day Isle 3 is known throughout the store as “the man’s” isle. While his plans had worked against him, Dan gained a mutual respect with the Swiss Knight, one that existed until the Swiss Knights demise in 2005.

[edit] An ally in the Coffee Bar

While one senior cashier attempted to destroy the Swiss Knight, another became one of his closest allies. A maverick renegade working in the Coffee Bar, Patrick Boyle was instrumental in helping the Swiss Knight overcome his clash with Dan. Ironically, Dan and Patrick were the best of friends. The Swiss Knight, grateful to Patrick for his help, gave Patrick a nickname “Parker”. It is without a doubt that Patrick was second only to Graeme Kerr in training the Swiss Knight.

[edit] The first commendation

While the Swiss Knight would gain many awards and medals in his career (eventually becoming the most decorated employee in Earthterra’s history) the first award recognized the Swiss Knight at his finest. One fateful autumn afternoon, the Swiss Knight was taking out groceries for a lady in a sedan. When the groceries were packed, the Swiss Knight turned to leave, but was stopped by the grateful customer. Holding a ten dollar bill she exclaimed “thank you so much for your help, please take this as a token of my gratitude.” The Swiss Knight paused and slowly turned around to face the woman. Slowly he said “ma’am it is enough for me that your groceries are safe”. He then walked back to the store without another word. Several hours later, Phil, a manager at the store, exclaimed that the lady had called in and given the future Swiss Knight a compliment. The Swiss Knight was promised 300 points and a pen, which were however not awarded until nearly half a year later.

[edit] Escape from the dish pit

On a day lost in history the Swiss Knight began a mission of exploration that would take him around the many departments of Earthterra. His first destination was the “dish pit”. It was here the Swiss Knight, deep in the bowels of the kitchen would face unknown dangers and meet strange allies. Armed only with a high-pressure sink, the Swiss Knight was forced to clean the endless trays of plates and utensils always arriving from the dastardly kitchen staff. In his darkest hour, the Swiss Knight was about to quit when help arrived from an unexpected source. A kitchen guru named “Jesse” showed him the ways of the kitchen and how to master its secrets. When the Swiss Knight was released from the treacheries of the kitchen he had become a wiser man. To this day the Swiss Knight has a special bond with the fighting men and women of the dish pit, one that can only come through years of service.

[edit] Trials of the produce department and coffee bar

In the second stage of his “jack of all trades” journey, “the man” as he was still known, came to the faraway lands of produce and began a task that would take him to the coffee bar and beyond. The tribal leader of produce demanded that the Swiss Knight go and find the best oranges in the land, and take them to the mystical lands of the “beyond the back door”. Find the oranges he did, and soon began the journey to the enchanted juicer station. Once there he astounded the resident staff with his juicer abilities. Hours later, he went to the coffee bar and labeled and priced the now beautiful juice containers. The leader of produce now owes many a favor to the Swiss Knight.

[edit] To foreign lands

Fresh from his escapades in various sections of the store, “the man” was sent to the bakery, a land where English was a second language rarely spoken. It was here he achieved a new level of job satisfaction. For eight hours he would take loaves of bread and put them into a giant machine (dubbed the "massacre" by Kerr, p. 324) which would chop them into tiny bits. Much bread was sliced that day.

[edit] Free water, but not for you

The future Swiss Knight’s first real challenge came when he was asked to stand outside the store and set up some water bottles. It seems a run for cancer was taking place and the runners would pass by the store, where they would be relieved to find free bottled water. “The Man’s” job was to guard the water from anyone else. As 1 hour turned to the next he couldn’t help but wonder when the runners would show. Getting bored, the “The Man” arranged the bottles in awesome lucking “feing seui” patterns. Finally, nearly 1 and half hours after he had set up, about 5 people ran through the parking lot. Failing to notice the elaborate display of over 100 water bottles they soon passed out of site. The Swiss Knight was filled with tremendous job satisfaction.

[edit] The death of “the man”, the birth of Zorro

When the future Swiss Knight returned to the front end, he imagained he could settle down, free from the unpredictable life that had plagued him the last several months. Little did he know fate had other ideas. Only a couple days after his return, “the man” was recruited to help out in the kitchen as a busboy. It would seem a courtesy clerk by the name of Shay was unprepared for the expected onslaught. Little did he know that this would be the last time he would go by “the man”. The shift was fast and furious, with orders coming and going too fast for the human eye to perceive. Only the Swiss Knight’s high Midoclorian count enabled him to persevere. Halfway into his shift he was greeted by the High Lord of The Kitchen: Brad. A warrior whose exploits rivaled the Swiss Knight's, Brad delivered a message to “the man” that would forever change his life.

“The orders will only increase in ferocity, you must keep your eyes trained, and your blade swift.”

“The man” paused, and reflected on his Earthterra career, and said that which would soon pass into legend and song: “Those who don’t like to get their orders delivered to them in a timely yet orderly fashion have only one name to fear. Zorro.” It is said that the entire kitchen fell silent as those words spread round the room. This was the first day of Zorro.

[edit] The battle against winter

Winter had always been harsh in Alberta, and the winter of 2004 was no exception. One day, while busy at the front end, the first snowfall began. Little was thought of it, and no one paid much attention to the mounting white stuff just outside the doors. Hours later, a crisis loomed over Earthterra, a crisis in the shape of a killer snowfall. Already customers had complained of the slippery sidewalks, and it seemed like nothing could stem the flow. Courtesy Clerk after Courtesy clerk was sent out but each came back shaking their head and complaining of the biting wind. There was only one hope left, the newly named Zorro. Grabbing his now trademark winter jacket and hat, the Swiss Knight began a slow, methodical approach to stemming the tide of frozen water. With a bucket of salt in one hand, and faith in the other, he began a campaign of annihilation against the wintery forces of evil. Over the next several weeks he was joined by others who would help him win the battle of winter. Most notable was the venerable Graeme Kerr, and the grocer Jean-Michelle. Each proved that a shovel in capable hands is the best defense against sleet and hail.

[edit] Nearly fired

One afternoon, Zorro, and Kerr noticed a customer buy a box of 5000 matches for $3.99. A plan was hatched: what if they bought 5 boxes of matches and lit them on fire? Surely 25000 matches would be like fireworks of some kind. How wrong they were! The falling snow, combined with the biting wind, made lighting any kind of matches impossible. What they failed to produce in fireworks they gained in attention. A staff member from the vile Meat Department saw what was happening as “an attempt to blow up the store”. Despite the fact not a single match had been successfully lit, the Swiss Knight and Kerr were severely reprimanded. Apparently, Earthterra keeps its giant tanks of gas next to the smoking section.

[edit] A sign of things to come

With Christmas upon Earthterra, the local Deli soon found itself overworked and underappreciated. They conscripted the Swiss Knight from the front end and forced him to work without rest or respite. It was here that he began the training that would later make him The Swiss Knight. A mere hour into his deli career he was wrapping deli products like a seasoned veteran. He soon developed his own method of wrapping meats and cheeses, a hybrid of the flower wrapping skills he developed as a courtesy clerk, and his newfound deli abilities. So impressed were the deli staff that he was taken in as one of their own. This was to have a profound effect on the future Swiss Knight.

[edit] Alone in the deli

For reasons long forgotten, on his first full shift in the Deli, the Swiss Knight was told that he would be closing the deli by himself. Given that at the time he knew nothing about the different meats and cheeses, this was perhaps the greatest challenge he had ever faced. All seemed well until but a few moments before the store closed. A boy of perhaps 9 or 10 entered and asked for a free sample of roast beef. Zorro was annoyed that anyone would come in just for free beef, but nevertheless tried in vain to find the roast beef. Giving up after several seconds, the Swiss Knight instead cut up some pepperoni and handed it out to the freeloader. Justice was quite literally served.

[edit] The day of 1000 turkeys

As Christmas neared Earthterra, and the employees were tortured by the same 15 songs playing over and over again, the sale of turkeys began to take precedence over all other departments. The management of Earthterra, realizing great things could be expected of Zorro, spared him the fever of the front end and took him to the secluded meat department in the back of the store. Here he was given a list of names, 1000 turkeys, and rigid instructions: give the turkeys to the people. Along with Patrick, he would fetch turkeys from the back for various customers. Unfortunatly, not all the turkeys were delivered and some customers vented their fury on the Swiss Knight. One such customer tried in vain to figure out why small amounts of blood would be present in a fresh turkey. She explained to the Swiss Knight her demands, which the Swiss Knight found stupid.

Customer: I guess what I’m saying is that I am not impressed with the appearance of this turkey.

Zorro (trying to lighten the mood): Well it will look better when you cook it! Hehe.

Customer (not amused): Drain the blood.

Zorro: Certainly

Zorro (to Meat Dept. Staff): This lady wants the blood drained.

Meat Dept: But that’s what keeps the turkey fresh.

Zorro (to customer): I’m being told that it actually contributes to the freshness of the turkey.

Customer: Just drain the damn turkey!

The Swiss Knight knew he could not enlighten her, so he preceded to do her bidding. Her holiday was most likely ruined.

[edit] The fall of Graeme Kerr

Those who worked as courtesy clerks were always wary of the cashiers of the front end. Typically lazy and unadventurous, cashiers were satisfied with remaining motionless at their stations and pushing buttons. No one knows what motivated Graeme Kerr to seek allegiance with the cashiers, perhaps it was to form a new bond of fellowship between the two groups of the front end, or perhaps it was for reasons the human mind cannot fathom.

Unfortunately it would prove to be his demise. The first weeks of cashierdom went well; he rose through the ranks and quickly became one of the finest workers in the front end. He mastered the teachings of his instructors and soon became the greatest master of the produce codes. But as time went by, he began to realize that his true calling was as a courtesy clerk, a job he was now powerless to return to. His heart was no longer in the work, and he abandoned EarthTerra to its own devices. Shortly thereafter Kerr made his last appearance where he exchanged quick words with the Swiss Knight before departing forever, never to be seen again (see Kerr, p. 401). His departure was most hard on Ice Maverick, for he and Graeme had fought together before joining Earthterra.

[edit] 3 dollars

A grand council was held for all the members of the front end. They were to discuss the growing threat of Safeway, a competitive store. One by one the various courtesy clerks filed in to greet the managers. Mark, a veteran leader of the Bakery presided over the event. When everyone had settled down he asked a single question of the group. “I have here 2 identical groups of 5 products found in both Safeway and Earthterra, the Earthterra group is 3 dollars more expensive. Why is that?” A murmur made its way through the gathering, no one could answer. Then a voice came from the back of the group. “Earthterra has the courage of many, we fight for justice, uphold the values of our cause, lead a crusade against evil, and suffer not the heretic, the mutant, or the alien”. One by one the members of the meeting turned their heads to the back. There sat Zorro, the future Swiss Knight. “Right you are” replied Mark, “And for your services I shall see you promoted. Go now, and spread the pies to the people.”

[edit] The once and future pie sampler

With his destiny laid out before him like a picnic blanket of fate, the Swiss Knight began the long road ahead to becoming the first pie sampler to have ever walked Earthterra’s floors. He would give no quarter, for he expected none. His first day as a pie sampler was one that passed into legend. He created pie districts, listed his daily imports and exports, clearly marked each pie and began to read up on the long history of pie sampling. He read of the exploits of Henry the Savory, who first sampled pie in 1535. He improved upon the methods of Duke Viniut of Italy, and rebuffed the theories of Félix Faure, a French pie enthusiast. But none of that could prepare him for what lay ahead. Rarely would people stop to chat about the pie, more often than not they would simply take a pie sample and leave. But that would not stop the resourceful Swiss Knight, the conversation below is a perfect example of “The Swiss Knight Maneuver”.

A customer walks in and takes a pie sample then turns to leave.

Zorro: So how was the pie?

Customer: Lovely, thank you. (attempts to leave again)

Zorro: Well, why settle then for just the sample when you could take home the entire pie for just 9.99 or 360 Earthterra points?

Customer: I’ll think about it. (attempts to leave)

Zorro: I’l tell you what, I’l put this pie in your cart, and if after shopping you think you don’t want it, just return it here.

Customer: Alright thanks a lot.

Not a single pie was ever brought back.

[edit] A store of thieves

The Swiss Knight never foresaw that he would be forced to protect his pie samples from staff as well as customers. But every day the same three staff members would stop by and steal his samples. There was little the Swiss Knight could do. While he could have easily overpowered them all, such a disturbance would upset manager and customer alike. A careful plan was needed. The next time the staff returned the Swiss Knight casually mentioned that he was keeping a list of all the samples they took, the list was then taken to a manager and their pay was deducted for each pie they took. The renegade staff looked worried, “but I’m already on bad terms with the manager!”. “Well, if I were you I’d buy a pie so as to not upset anyone that could, and will fire you.” replied the Swiss Knight. He sold 6 pies in the next 10 seconds.

[edit] The fan club

Over the next several months, the future Swiss Knight literally wrote the book on pie sampling. He developed the systems and organization that would lead his successors on a failsafe way to freedom. Eventually, some of the regular customers of the store began to recognize the genius that dwelled within the Swiss Knight. Several of these people began to form a “fan club” for the Swiss Knight. These people would stop by regular and talk with the Swiss Knight about his various activities. One of these customers, a man who would later be revealed as “Joe” came every week to buy a pie from the “pie man”. These people would be hardest hit when the Swiss Knight disappeared.

[edit] The birth of the Swiss Knight

While his exploits had been known throughout the store for some time, Zorro, as he was still known was not yet “The Swiss Knight”. All that changed one fateful day when Zorro was walking by the dairy department of the store. Suddenly he spotted a bright red box that seemed to leap from the shelf. It was Swiss Knight brand fondue mix. He knew at once that he must do what no employee had ever done. He would have cheese fondue on his dinner break. He brought the idea to Patrick, and the two agreed they would go ahead with the plan. At 8pm they got a loaf of bread from the bakery, and got the kitchen to microwave the Swiss Knight fondue package. It was the greatest accomplishment that Earthterra had been graced with. People from all departments stopped to gasp in wonder at the event that had unfolded. Even Charles, who normally remained in the Deli stopped by to exchange words with Zorro.

Charles: That I should live to see this day. What brand of fondue is that?

Zorro: The fondue is Swiss Knight.

Charles: No, I think it is you that is the Swiss Knight.

Suddenly a bright light appeared throughout the store, a light of justice, of purity and or courage. This was the first day of the Swiss Knight. He then returned to his “pies of freedom”. No day would ever be the same.

[edit] Facing an old enemy, and saving the store

For some time the workers of the front end lived in fear of an insurmountable task that could at any moment leap out and strike them down. This was cleaning the outside of the “receiving end” of Earthterra. Every day the garbage of the store would be churned into one and only one garbage disposal. Naturally, the dim witted workers of the store (excluding the Swiss Knight of course) failed to get their garbage into the disposal and it slowly decomposed outside the store hidden beneath the disposal. When the filth reached noticeable levels a courtesy clerk was brought to be sacrificed to the garbage demon. The future Swiss Knight was chosen to do this task one dreary day and barely escaped with his life. Moldy bread, vegetables long since solid, and newspapers from 3 years ago proved to be formidable enemies. The Swiss Knight knew he must avoid this job at all costs in the future. He even considered quitting if ever asked to do it again. The seasons changed, time passed by, as the days became the months became the years. Fact turned to myth, myth turned to legend, and some things, that should never have been forgotten, were lost. In the 3rd age, the topic of cleaning the beast was raised once again. This time, the Swiss Knight was ready. At least until he heard a conversation coming from the kitchen. Josh, bane of life, had been selected to clean the back.

Manager: I need you to clean out the back.

Josh: I’m way to busy.

Manager: Okay, who would you recommend?

Josh: Who’s that girl who used to work in here…? Ainsley.

Manager: Okay, sure thing.

The Swiss Knight was struck with indecision. Last years clean-up had nearly claimed his immortal soul. On the other hand, it would surely prove to be a mortal wound to the young naïve Ainsley to whom evil was unknown.

Swiss Knight: No need, I’ll take care of it.

Josh: Who enters my domain?

Swiss Knight: One who will have your allegiance.

Josh: The kitchen staff does not suffer the living to pass.

Swiss Knight: You will suffer me.

Josh: Hahahaha. The way is shut...it was made by those who are dead...and the dead keep it. The way is shut, Now you must die.

Swiss Knight: I summon you to fulfill your oath!

Josh: None but the Swiss Knight may command me!

Suddenly, the Swiss Knight revealed the golden spatula of the deli. Glowing with the power of a million planets, the spatula lit up the room.

Josh: The blade was broken!

The Swiss Knight: It has been re-forged.

Josh: Gaaaah!

The Swiss Knight: What say you?

Gimli: You waste your time Swiss Knight, they had no honor in life, now they have none in death.

Eventually, the Swiss Knight gained the kitchens allegiance and saved Ainsley, and perhaps the store, from certain destruction.

[edit] The day of 72 pies

The Swiss Knight, now veteran of the pie sampling business, was once again out in full force on one of the busiest Saturdays of the year. No one knew exactly why the store was as full as it was, but everyone knew that this would be a long day. The Swiss Knight was issued for the first time ever, a completely full rack of pies. Counting over 70 the Swiss Knight must sell as many as he could, or else he would be forced to box them all up, a task that would take many hours, and steal many years from his life. The Swiss Knight set up shop in a busy area of the store. He immediately sold 2 pies before he had even time to sample one. The trend continued the entire day, and the Swiss Knight needed to find a way to keep track of all the pies sold. He decided to write his various “victories” on the side of his table, much like the aces of World War II. By the end of the day he had 72 confirmed victories and several dozen unconfirmed. This would later lead to an intense hatred between the Bakery staff and the Swiss Knight. The Bakery staff was not used to selling their entire stock of pies in one day.

[edit] The Prophesy of Brad

The Swiss Knight returned home after a long and uninteresting day. He immediately fell asleep, but was greeted with a strange dream. He was alone in a small mountain valley, suddenly; he heard a roar from far away. He knew he must at once leave the valley. He climbed the nearest mountain, but when he reached the summit he was greeted by Brad; Manager of the Kitchen. Brad then spoke to the Knight and told him that his actual name was religion. This made no sense at all so the Swiss Knight made his way back down, But when he returned, Earthterra had been built in the previously empty valley. Walking inside he saw Dan engaging in a conversation that seemed very hostile to the Knight. He knew he must escape but Dan saw him, luckily, the Swiss Knight was too clever for him.

Dan: Hey, we need to talk to you

Swiss Knight (sensing danger): No…. but tell me good sir, what would happen if I wanted to buy something that cost $110 but I only had $100?

Dan: I don’t know, I’ll check.

The Swiss Knight then ran back up the mountain which had now been turned into a Suburban neighborhood. Several events better not mentioned later, the Swiss Knight Awoke wondering if he was hooked on drugs and not aware of it. When he finally told Brad of the strange prophesy Brad seemed confused. He would quit a short while later.

[edit] Denizen of the Deli Once More

Long had the Swiss Knight sought sanctuary in the iron halls of the Deli Guild, but when the day finally arrived he realized he had much to learn. The veterans of the deli, Christian and Charles far outmatched his own skills, but the Swiss Knight knew that learning their teachings would greatly increase his proficiency at Earthterra. And so, for the first time in generations the Swiss Knight found himself in the position of apprentice. The wisdom came fast and furious, but the Swiss Knight soon proved to be adept at learning the secrets of the Deli. He was told of vacu-suck thing, the many cheeses and meats held within the cold chambers, and even the pizza table, where ironically, his future accomplice The Warden of Glasswall, was working in a land far away. Eventually, the Swiss Knight overtook his teachers in the way of the force. He absorbed the knowledge of the great tome of cheese faster than any before him and with the passing of Christian, and later Charles, became the undisputed deli master.

[edit] Curse of the antipasto bar

Towards the western shores of the deli came the caverns of antipasto. Above this, their came three commandments;

Priced At the Front

2.49 A 100g

Self Serve

Unfortunately, for reasons unknown the commandments were ignored and everyday without exception customers would ask “do you price this?” “How much does this cost?” “Get me some boccaccini!” At first the Swiss Knight tried to teach the peoples of the 3 commandments but all attempts were rebuffed. Finally, the Swiss Knight accepted that this would be one battle he could not win and suffered the cries of the ignorant for the rest of his days.

[edit] The Third Commendation

It was a quiet evening in the Deli, the Christian and Charles had long since departed for parts unknown. The Swiss Knight was managing his flock of rookies when a cry for help was heard. A man from the outside had come with an emergency of epic proportions. He needed “Swiss Knight” fondue mix. One by one the rookies tried to help the man but their knowledge was inadequate. The question soon was asked of the Swiss Knight himself. With speed not seen for many an age the Swiss Knight incarnate grabbed the fondue mix and saved the dinner plans of the nameless stranger.

[edit] Duel with the shark

While working in his inner sanctum, the Swiss Knight suddenly realized he was late for work, rushing to get his things he accidentally left his fossilized (kinda) shark jaw on the floor of the basement. He had no time to ponder the ramifications of this as he ran to the store. Returning to his domain late that evening he realized that in his hurry he had forgotten his key. To make matters worse, all the doors and windows of the house were locked. In desperation he pried open the window leading to the basement. Going feet first he soon realized the full scope of his perilous situation. The window was approximately 12 feet off the floor of the basement, the one part of the basement still unfinished. With the annoying pink insulation stuff covering his skin in fiberglass shards, the Swiss Knight had to make a choice very quickly. Does he climb back up out the window? Or take a leap of faith (literally!) into whatever lay beneath him. He chose the latter. Now, it should be pointed out that the Swiss Knight had taken off his shoes prior to entering the window, so all that protected his feet were D-grade socks. In the split second between letting go of the wall and falling to the floor, the Knight remembered that the shark jaws were lying quite open on the floor. Half a second later the Swiss Knight was standing in his basement devoid of light, with 3 rows of serrated teeth biting into his left foot. 3 new socks and much blood later the Swiss Knight decided that his personally safety relied on keeping the shark jaw upstairs from now on. Interestingly enough, none of the teeth broke and trace amounts of red stuff can still be seen on certain teeth.

[edit] The Great Chocolate Flood of 05

While he hadn’t sampled for some time, the Swiss Knight was handpicked to sample one of the most dangerous things possible molten chocolate. He was given the finest strawberries and was told to dip them into a fountain of moving chocolate death. The first day went well, with chocolate covered strawberries being enjoyed by all. That night he fell asleep dreaming of what the morrow held for him. When he arrived he immediately sensed something was wrong. While the fountain had been operational for some time, gradually melting the chocolate it seemed to be wobbling slightly on a small angle. Consulting Manager Mark, his concerns were dismissed as “Crazy”. With that, he set off to the bakery to gather price stickers. Suddenly a massive crash emanated throughout the store. With a feeling of dread the Swiss Knight turned to see his stand, his glorious stand bordering the olive oil display, now covered in chocolate. Mark, who had been busy doing whatever it took to not prevent the disaster, ordered the Swiss Knight to clean it up. It was a crappy 2 hours.

[edit] A farewell to arms

With the mornings tragedy still fresh in his mind, the Swiss Knight began to pack up his chocolate stand, being Sunday, there would be no sampling in the morrow, and he was ordered to dispose of the chocolate. Progress was slow, and the brown molten lava clung to the rims of the fountain. In a moment of complete stupidity, the Swiss Knight decided to scoop it out with hand, protected only by a thin plastic glove. As the heated chocolate enveloped his hand, it instantly melted the plastic and burned itself into his hand. The Knight showed no emotion, but a tiny trickle of blood began to drip from his left eye. Racing to the coffee bar, he attempted to save his hand by dousing it in water. It was too late, the combination of plastic and chocolate stuck to his hand badly burning it. The writer of this article can only imagine how much it would suck if the Swiss Knight ever decided to type a 15+ page Saga on his time at Earthterra. Surely his hand would really start to hurt at around 1 am on November 8th.

[edit] The coming of the Warden

The kitchen had always been a place of barbarism; pirate gangs ruled much of the few resources and local warlords continued to fight amongst themselves. Many of the Swiss Knights most lethal and vile enemies came from this place, including Josh: Bane of Life and Jon the Annoying. The Swiss Knight had long since abandoned the kitchen to its own devices and was surprised when he heard tales of a new warrior taking justice into his own hands inside its grim walls. And so it came to pass that the Swiss Knight began the long trip to the kitchen from the realms of the Deli to meet this new warrior. The Swiss Knight arrived just in time for the “Dinrahrish”, wherein the kitchen staff engaged in feats of strength and dexterity. The newcomer to the kitchen bested all of his opponents, and the Swiss Knight did the same. Finally, the two began their trials by fire. The Swiss Knight and the stranger were evenly matched with neither being able to gain the upper hand in the various trials. Then came the final test. Each contestant was given 24 hours to construct a weapon with which he would kill a giant reptilian drake which inhabited the kitchen. Whoever killed the larger Drake would be the victor. For one full night the furnaces of the local blacksmiths were filled with the clangs of hammers and other sounds of pain and hardship. The day arrived and the stranger came out with an axe that seemed to glow with power. The Knight appeared carrying a slightly modified Spatula of Light. The stranger said he would travel to the fire peaks of Khazadun, where the largest fire drakes could be found. The Swiss Knight, still disguised, said he would follow where the newcomer lead. For 6 days without food or water the two traveled the mountain looking for game. Finally the stranger began his way down the mountain with a fire drake of massive size on his back. Half way down, he noticed the Swiss Knight holding a drake much larger than his own. Just then Khazadun erupted in a sea of fire and lava began flowing down its slopes. The newcomer found his way trapped by a river of lava and soon found there was no way off the cliff he was now stranded on. Seeing the peril unfolding, the Swiss Knight threw his fire drake into the lava creating a bridge which the stranger could run across to safety. When the two returned to the kitchen the newcomer was hailed as the victor. The Swiss Knight was mocked and ridiculed for failing to produce a fire drake of any size but the stranger rose his hand for silence. “Any man who values life over pride is worthy of my loyalty and respect” and got on his knee in front of the knight. He removed his hood, revealing his true identity as the Swiss Knight of the deli. The kitchen grew silent and the stranger spoke again. “Swiss Knight, what do you ask of me?” The Swiss Knight motioned for the stranger to rise and said “succeed where I have failed good sir, protect the kitchen from injustice, spread the glory of Earthterra to all you encounter, and be called ‘The Warden of Glasswall’. Go now!” And so, the Warden of Glasswall came into being, and was forevermore the Swiss Knights closest friend.

[edit] Coffee Mugs

The Swiss Knight first received a coffee mug after earning many a favor from the denizens of the coffee bar (back when he was known as Zorro. Unfortunately, other staff members seemed not to notice the nametag clearly indicating “Zorro”. The mug was stolen, returned, and stolen again. The Swiss Knight knew he must take drastic measures and so, the first mug of the Swiss Knight was born. At first, it was little more than a regular coffee mug covered in Horse stickers provided by Shay. But then, something odd happened up front. A scale on one of the tills malfunctioned and several hours later a strange spring was found on the ground. It provided a cool looking thing for the mug, a guard for the horses, and hope for all.

Unfortunately, the first mug fell victim to age and decay, and after many trips to the dishwasher, its horses faded, and cool metal thing no longer shiny, the mug was destroyed. The Swiss Knight fell into a state of shock and did not speak a word for several days. As time passed and the mug long forgotten the store was in a state of fear and near anarchy. The Zombie accords had just been passed, and ended up having the opposite effect of what was intended. The staffs believed themselves to be defenseless to a zombie attack and were in a state of constant panic. The Swiss Knight knew he needed a bludgeon of order admits this sea of chaos. What he needed was another coffee mug. And thus, began the second coming of the coffee mug.

This coffee mug met its eventual defeat, not at the hands of father time, but the store management itself. The managers believed the mug was too dangerous, and symbolic of an older, less civilized time. The mug was ordered destroyed.

This was not the end though; in the fires of the Swiss Knight’s basement a master mug was fashioned. A symbol of the new golden age of Earthterra, the mug was decorated with the most expensive and sought after cocktail umbrellas in the galaxy.

[edit] Coworkers of the Knight

Graeme Kerr: First friend and teacher of the Swiss Knight. Departed in 2005, at first feared dead. Served with valor on Boxing Day.

Nick: One of the few uncorrupt cashiers, Nick and the Swiss Knight shared a long friendship that was eventually broken when Nick traveled to the far away coast. Served with valor on Boxing Day.

Ben “Ice Maverick” Pike: A rebel with attitude to spare. Ben played a major role in exposing the enemies of the Swiss Knight, and forging an underground slurpee ring. Served with valor on Boxing Day.

The Warden of Glasswall Without a doubt one of the closest allies of the Swiss Knight.

Jon White: One of the longest serving veterans of Earthterra, Jon is the first to be consulted when a problem troubles the Knight.

Shay “Che”: A worker of the Coffee Bar who’s allegiance remains unknown. Gave the Swiss Knight Horse stickers.

Charlies:The man who gave the Swiss Knight his name and taught him much of the deli. Now travelling the world

Ainsley: Little is known about the courtesy clerk who moved up the ranks alongside the Swiss Knight, what is known, raises only more questions. She currently works in the Coffee Bar and as a Cashier, and is almost deserving of the Swiss Knights respect. Served with valor on Boxing Day.

Amber: She gave the Knight a ride home once, but only cause Patricko's car was broken. It wasnt even a good ride, I mean, it got him home, but at what cost?

Patrick “Parker” “Patricko” Boyle: A watchtower of justice among a sea of evil, Patrick is one of the few who has the Swiss Knights esteem. Has a brother the Swiss Knight was “not impressed with”.

“Lieutenant” Dan “Dan-O-Might” Hall: The first enemy of the Swiss Knight, now a wary ally.

“The Dean”: One of the first apprentices of the Swiss Knight, the Dean played a major role in the Deli before his ultimate demise.

Sinisa: A hardened war veteran, Sinisa was second in command of the Deli, after he gained the Swiss Knights trust after a raid on VHQ.

Colin A spectre of Sunterra, Colin serves in the deli, kitchen and many other areas of the store with no clear destination. He was feared lost to Earls many a time, but always reappears.

Ashley: Mistress of the Deli, while she feels unrelenting anger towards the Knight, she is also madly in love with him, annoying him to no end.

[edit] References

• Fehler, Johann (1927). Introduction to Pie Sampling, vol. 1. Bloomsbury: The Nonesuch Press.

• Geronimo, Kalman (1973–93). Biographical Dictionary of Earthterra Employees 2003–2005. 16 volumes. Carbondale, Illinois: Southern Illinois University Press. All details about individual employees are taken from this standard work unless otherwise indicated.

• Holland, Deborah (2005). The Ornament of Action: Text and Performance in the Deli. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

• Hume, Peter (1992). The Development of Earthterra Market in the Late Nineteenth Century. Oxford: Clarendon Press.

• Kerr, Graeme (2005). Our Own Swiss Knight: an Inside Account. Calgary, Alberta: Wetellall Publications.

(User:Matt Yeager/tests)