List of Quintuplets episodes

Father Bob and mother Carol Chase rather miss the time when their quintuplets were small, cute and made them happy and popular. When it gets a bit too much, dad buys tickets to a Springsteen concert just for the two of them, but underestimates the effect of spiced brownies he cheerfully accepts there. Since ma's mindless meddling with a party only the eldest boy Parker and girl where invited for at Brooke's place, while her rule says one, all or none of the five siblings, results in it being canceled as it was never parentally authorized, which makes the 'quints' the least popular kids in school, they decide to interrupt their usual bickering and throw a (forbidden) party at the Chase house instead while the oldies are out, where 'baby brother' Patton expects to score his first female conquest...

The Chase family is in state of emergency when Penny gets the flue, so she's quarantined in the basement because last time it went around thrice ('quintuplets contagious' contracts to the title). She looks at it from the bright side, having 'her own room', but then her stupid sister Paige follows, who is so addicted to gossip she pays anything for listener's time- in time that affliction also proves contagious. Pierce is so weird anyway that nobody can tell if he's affected by anything- now he wears PJs because he gets his best ideas in bed, mixes maths with English and watches TV without turning it on 'just as if he had his own reality TV show'. Mother breaks dad's rules by visiting them, so he locks her up too; at first she kindly tends to the kids, then gets sick herself and spiteful. The other boys don't want it to get known, but Parker is next struck down and sequestered. When the younger boys follow, dad finally has the house to him alone and forgets all about his urgent business.

The quintuplets' high school team, the Coogars, holds auditions. As always Parker aces his athletic star spot, Pearce gets to be the team mascot, but Paige is a wreck: stinking at cheer-leading isn't good enough to become a Cougerette just because she looks good! At first dad Bob feels a bit sick when he hears her spot has been taken by his youngest Patton, who simply wouldn't just roll over when failing team selection -as the shortest player ever that was always a long shot- but seconds ex-cheer-leading mother Carol's enthusiasm when he learns there are even scholarships for superior cheerleaders. Parker doesn't have the heart to tell his baby-brother his real motivation, hot Haley, never even looks at a non-jock, but to Parker's surprise she does notice who holds her up with her firm thighs firmly pressed against his neck. Unfortunately, and even pushy Patton can only tell dad so after throwing ma out, there's a biological way to tell he notices her noticing him: his pole promptly stands to attention because of chick attention! Dad dreads putting it to words, but does his duty: if nothing else helps, don't look like a jerk but jerk off. The technique works, and even makes Haley pay him more attention then his studly big brother who generously stands by, but only if applied timely, which proves painfully difficult, so when the gents are closed for janitor jobs, finding the little monkey in his locker to spank his monkey doesn't exactly do wonders for poor perplex Parker's performance either, and then there still is the human pyramid, with the lightweight dwarf on top.

Dad Bob won a cell phone at work; the kids all want one since ages, but ma insists on the hated rule: when something can't benefit all five, none get it; Parker presses the point that only denies all of them all kinds of things, so pa tries an alternative: a week-long contest who scores most points by doing chores. Parker turns the idea down as degrading, but the others are too eager: Patton needs it to get girls, preselected on shaky boyfriend-relationships, on the rebound; Paige craves anything to yap and all her friends have on-she even carries a fake to save face; Penny just wants to prevent Paige getting one; Pierce claims it would save from isolation his Mongolian Internet-pen pall and his entire village. Pa abuses his judging power to turn the kids into abject slaves, to ma's disgust, although she enjoys the spare time to takes a course- erotic pole dancing! After his week of bliss at the quints' expense, pa hopes to prolong his heaven and their hell by calling a four-way tie, but now they all turn to Parker, who inspires a total chores-strike until they all get cell phones, and it really hurts. Now the parents try every trick to divide them, pretending Patton or Pierce made a private deal with them, and when that fails tell Parker he can decide who gets the only phone.

The Chases' car has had it, but father Bob has a great idea: they can earn a new mono-volume just like they got their old '5-mobile', by making another quintuplet-commercial, the same car company is interested. Alas the reason they stopped doing commercials hasn't changed either: they must do an audition against the perfect, blond Helberg quintuplets, mercilessly managed by greedy, arrogant father Francis who never looses. Parker refuses to do a car commercial because of his Greenpeace-minded girlfriend, so Paige's brainless boyfriend Tyler pretends to be Parker. The Helbergs get the job because the Chases fight hopelessly, but when bossy Francis 'fires' his son Chase for becoming Penny's boyfriend, even five nincompoops are better then four stars to play quintuplets.

Dad grins the kids' half-birthday makes them old enough to work for their own money. In no time Parker finds a pick-up dream job at a burger joint; he panics when his first zit appears, blaming it on the frying fat, till he finds girls love the idea of popping it out. Patton proves a born shoe-salesman, who can give girls the feeling they deserve ridiculously expensive footwear, at their own cost; alas birdbrain Paige also signs on and stupidly tells customers the truth, their supervisor Neil has a soft sport for the twit- the second day, their bickering gets them both- fired. Pierce takes a pet-shop job and gets hopelessly attached to most of the live merchandise and buys one after the other. Now they save a fortune on allowances, dad Bob spends one on a motorcycle, and dreads telling the wife. Penny is fired in the video-store on her first day, but makes dad hire her 'not telling ma about the motorcycle'. When Pierce's cockatoo bites off Parker's zit, his scream make dad run in wearing his biker-outfit.

The quints have their school ball. Parker is always in demand, but while his first choice Carrie Friedman easily accepted, 'irresistible' bully Gino Grazano forces his creepy sister Gina on the stud, who finds any attempt to make himself undesirable, even onion stench, backfires. Patton, indomitably ambitious as ever, asks every good-looking girl in school, in alphabetical order, but gets his act together as 'dying kid' in time to land nobody less then adult video star (known to dad 'where did I see you?'!) 'Catherine Zeta-Juggs'. Penny planned to make a protest appearance as zombie couple with gay Matt, but Pierce's obsessional swing dancing is irresistible to the gay swinger; dad fears even Pearce may get a bad rep as weirdo from that one, and manages to make them jealous enough to break up. Mother can't stop complaining she missed her prom because dad was still drunk from a mates night boozing before.

Penny gets the chance of a lifetime to leave the town: her own Romeo and Juliet school production can earn her a scholarship. Alas supervising teacher Ms. Hentschel not only forces her to dump gay talent Matt as Romeo for Patton, who thus gets to kiss Parker's girlfriend Carrie, who never kisses the hunk on the lips, while the Chase parents make Penny appoint worthless Paige for the props she plans to dispense with altogether, but Hentschel frowns on Penny's minimalistic approach, so she is forced to do it line-prompter Pearce's comics superhero-way. Meanwhile pa Bob manages to make his neighbor invite him and ma for a dinner and, his point, jacuzzi, but that isn't always as naked as they believed. On the opening night, even patiently supportive big brother Parker is trough watching Patton get all the kisses, and arranges for an alternative course of events.

The beautiful Alayna Collins has just gotten back from a five-year long trip to Africa, a fantastic surprise for the quints. Paige throws a slumber party to introduce Alayna to the jungle of High School, while Bob and Carol spend a wild night at the Nutley Motor Inn. On the boys' side of the house, Patton spies on the slumber party (as he puts it: "The hottest girls are going to be in their underwear" then gets an interesting predicament. Then, Parker wants Pearce's help in becoming more than friends with Alayna. Pearce talks to Alayna but, a huge misunderstanding may make Pearce question his loyalty to his brother. Penny has boyfriend crisis and gets help from her sister and her friends.

Penny decides to have a live science project: manipulating the dumbest kid in class, popular sister Paige, who normally depends on nerds to do all the work for her, to construct a cool hemoglobin molecule model. Cool big brother Parker gets disappointed twice in a row: first hot new girl Jessica Geiger shows no interest whatsoever in the hunk but takes instantly to kid brother Patton, then Alayna continues to play him against weird brother Pearce, so they team up for a science project, the human battery, using Parker's body to take the shocks, and again, after his iPod was dismantled for parts to construct a lie detector, to test it. Mother volunteers in a seniors home 'to give something back', dad decides raising quintuplets is enough merit to society, in fact he deserves a plaque for it. Patton finds out why Jessica likes him, and it's none of his qualities. Nerd Eric points out Penny's project's fatal flaw.

Nobody else wanted to, but mother insists to participate in a twins - and multiples convention. Dad is forced to go talk to a future quints father, who concludes from the truth it's high time to run for his life. Patton meets sexy twins who won't date separately, so he plays his imaginary twin Peter too. Pearce has constructed a womb experience, which means nothing to Parker- except a money machine. Penny and Paige date twins they once knew as unsightly brats, but meanwhile turned out hunky studs, alas both prefer- Paige, the better kisser.

It's the school's Battle of the Bands! Paige asks Patton to help the other girls in her dance routine but, as it turns out, Paige is the one who needs help. Bob, feeling left out after missing his Battle of the Bands due to having premarital sex, worms his way into Parker's band. Parker gets royally pissed and walks out. Meanwhile, Pearce uses an unusual instrument for his one-man band.

Dad hadn't sold anything in two months, so he's hell-bent to land Mr. Reynolds' office contract, but under his 'me too' approach that requires Patton playing a ten-year old boyscout (for a percentage), him and mother 'warming up' to the client's wife's ludicrous fashion creations and faking a passion for lobster-fishing while he's actually allergic to shellfish. Paige refuses to pay back any of the money she borrowed from Penny now her tips came in, all spend on new cloths, so Penny takes a waitress job there too, just to make sure the crappy service will kill Paige's tips till she pays up. As they are still both hot for Alayna, Parker comes up with a perfect plan: Pearce has her early, then rushes off on an emergency and leaves Parker with her; it takes a ketchup trap for comics to make the dufus leave, but even then Parker concludes his brother has the better magic, so he bows out gracefully- only to learn the bitch is running off with a cute waiter.

When the boys decide that they're going to a frat party, they meet an idiot known as Luskin. After infiltrating Luskin's life by joining him on the ice run, Luskin quickly takes the trip to new heights, much to Parker's dismay. Meanwhile, Carol has put-up with the girls' lies and decides she wants to hear every lie they've ever told her while Bob escapes from his own family with his own.

Mother can't handle tutoring artistic nut-case Pearce anymore, so dad does but is suckered into writing his English paper for him, to prove to ma he's not just a C-grades idiot, and treated exactly like the schoolboy. Ever ambitious and horny Patton aims no lower then his foxy new English teacher, so he pretends to be a moron in need of her home tutoring. Alas that puts her adult date, coach Scales, in a fulminating foul mood, which must sorely be worked off by- torturing well-behaved jock Parker and his teammates all evening with inhuman exercise series, till they drop and then much more. Meanwhile airhead Paige manages to convert studious Penny's favorite, intellectually most challenging teacher into just another fashion slave.

Ma Carol wants to make a good impression a her college friend Lisa, now a London publisher, who is visiting on Thanksgiving, so she hires Penny to play the devoted daughter. Bob's slick womanizing -hence the boys' idol- brother Steve, a sports agent, also stops by and pretends to go help out in a shelter, but in fact takes Bob to a nightclub as wingman to entertain Lisa Appleby, the friend of Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard who he hopes to sign up; alas showing off a bouncing trick with his wedding ring goes bad for Bob, and not just there... Pearce doesn't trust Penny actually got a biologically raised turkey which died from natural causes, so he conducts a thorough investigation, with autopsy. Meanwhile French exchange student Gabrielle seems to fall for ever-horny midget Patton, not studly brother Parker, only she has precise preferences: her man should sweat like a horse, shave his legs and wear mime lipstick, but why?

Mother Carol is disappointed neither Parker nor Penny wants to go out dining with the parents as 'special quint day' anymore, so she tricks dad into going to the diner exactly when Parker is there with his date Eliza, even reserves the table next to them; to both boys' horror, her interference only makes the girl insist they pull the tables together and enjoy embarrassing memories. Paige dates unattractive banker's son Hugo, whose inheritance makes him appear physically attractive in her bird brain, so Penny dares her to go out with him at her own expense. Patton goes help foxy Chelsea with her PC, but her mastiff dog Twinkle proves an overprotective bodyguard, so he gets Pierce to come along and entertain the dog. When dad explains to ma how she's only driving Parker away, she transfers her 'quality time' to Bob.

Bob and Carol find the quints are really sick of 'Quintsmass', which means getting no Christmas presents until the Christmas sale, just pictures on the actual holiday; they risk all their Christmas budget at blackjack in Atlantic City, using Bob's tried and unapproved system, and to stop her hysteric encouragement Carol's non-existing one at another table, with a surprising series of high and low results... Meanwhile Parker looks forward to playing Joseph in a nativity stall with a hot teacher as narrator, but Patton worms his way in, for lack of an open part as live baby Jezus, and lives Parker's nightmare... Paige is so eager to sing carols with the Tinsel Tones that she promises Penny her MP-3 player to stand in for a sick alto; sis who hates caroling accepts, but deliberately misses every tone till the director throws her out, yet... Pearce begs hard enough to get another go as elf, although way older then his colleagues, with the same Santa he already bit as a toddler, who rightly fears more pain to come, which however proves someone else's opportunity.

Dad Bob Chase is delighted one of the TV show who hovered around the quints as babies plans to make a 'where are they now' on their family, but when Patton makes him aware producer Mark Lawrence also makes reality TV, they two hope to convince him to make one about the Chases. They fear all-American athlete Parker is too tame, so dad sets his 'boring' best son up as a weed addict. Ma can only be persuaded to participate if she has a career again, so Bob pays her former boss to 'hire' her back in publishing. Pearce melts when told his adored Alayna has broken up with her boyfriend. Patton sees an opportunity to cast a sexy, camera-horny girlfriend, but picks one too stupid even to remember his name properly. Things go even worse once the recording starts, and about that reality concept.

Patton's girlfriend Julie and Penny's boyfriend Brady enjoy double-dating, they don't, and their pretense of confidence viz. intellect drives their over-impressed normal mates away. Pearce enlists Parker's help to stop him going after Alayne always and everywhere, even with handcuffs and projectiles. Ma Carol forced dad Bob to take dance lessons, Matt far too generously offers to teach them for free and after hours, so Bob tries stinking at everything and crushes her ankle, but she makes him pursue the course alone; when Matt chickens out of the hopeless task, having arranged for a female colleague, Sophia, Carol gets jealous.

When Parker and Patton realize Pierce still is a virgin who never even made 'second base', they give him brotherly advice -also for the cause of guys making girls easy- and Parker even hands-on practice, badly needed given Pierce's natural clumsiness... Patton has a scam selling his 'secret odorless aphrodisiac', actually water, but his accomplice has her own hidden agenda... Carol enjoyed getting out this month of taking the girls to her 98-year great aunt Sylvia, a nasty nagging bag, but envies Bob when they find Sylvia fallen to her death from diving down the garbage shoot after a cookie.

In a particularly foul mood, mother forbids Patton to date for a month 'to teach him respect for girls' and makes shopaholic Paige get rid of all cloths which don't fit in her closet, that's about half. When she tells Pearce she can't bring herself to sell the unlucky half at the second hand shop, her dear brother volunteers to do the job the next morning, but ignores she already sold the pile she meant... Pressed by ma Carol to teach Patton something to give him another source of pride then seducing, pa Bob shows him his meanest wrestling tricks, shamelessly abusing poor Parker, and finds the midget is actually talented, but after three weeks of triumphs his next opponent turns out to be an undefeated girl, an utter humiliation, maybe even by ma's feminist standards... Penny dares 'chicken nerd' Parker into taking her for a ride, but after his demonstration of safe driving she deliberately ignores a red light- and notices too late there was a camera working.