List of Absolutely Fabulous episodes

In the upstairs bathroom, Patsy helps Eddy break in her new isolation tank while Saffy, in the kitchen below, works on a presentation about DNA with several classmates, preparing for her Sixth Form College's Open Day. When Patsy and Eddy come downstairs, they hang around talking loudly for so long that Saffy asks her mother why she isn't at work. Eddy explains that her dimwitted secretary, Bubble, has emerged from an occupational hypnotism program mysteriously transformed into a demon of efficiency who works with such dedication that there's nothing to do at the office anymore. When Eddy eventually does go to work, she's proved correct: Bubble strides purposefully about wearing a power suit while Eddy is reduced to paging through a magazine as if she's "at the bloody hairdresser's, for God's sake!" At home, feeling rejected and useless, Eddy takes a sudden interest in Saffy's DNA presentation and begs to be invited to the Open Day; Saffy, however, refuses point-blank. Eddy throws a tantrum, but it has no effect; she then threatens to adopt a Romanian baby. When Saffy calls her bluff, saying "Go on then!", Eddy phones Bubble and instructs her to send over a selection of Romanian babies so she can pick one out. She then leaves the room and frantically tries to cancel the deal, but it's already too late. Later, Saffy relents and tells Eddy she can come to the Open Day after all. The next day, during the presentation, a woman interrupts and asks for a Mrs. Edina Monsoon. Eddy walks out and returns holding a baby; then more and more babies are brought in until their wails drown everything out. Saffy screams furiously "That's it! Get out!" making the babies cry louder than ever. Eddy then wakes up in a panic, still in her iso tank, and realises it's all been a dream.

The episode covers one day only — the day Edina turns 40. She isn't too pleased about it, either, and the surprise party Saffy has planned for her only makes her bad mood worse. Instead of a glamorous affair with fabulous guests and Japanese finger food, as she had hoped, her 40th birthday party turns out to be a family lunch, cooked by Saffy and served in the kitchen. The guest lists consists of: Eddy's two ex-husbands, Justin and Marshall; their new lovers, Bo and Oliver; Gran; Saffy; and Patsy. The birthday girl behaves very badly indeed, oscillating all day between self-pity and spite, and soon she provokes Oliver – her least favourite guest – into making an angry exit. Justin, Marshall, and Bo stoically remain, however, and while Eddy is upstairs getting stoned with Patsy they compare notes about their alimony payments and realise they've both been paying for Eddy's Holland Park house. At the end, while Eddy and Patsy play drunkenly with a new karaoke machine, Justin and Bo lay whispered plans to cut off Eddy's alimony.

Patsy's indecent outings with an MP land her on the front page of every tabloid in the country, but if that weren't enough, her age is listed as "47". This prompts her to do some damage control, and leads to an interview with a Hello! magazine reporter who doesn't even know who Patsy is. Patsy prepares for the interview by improvising a facelift with surgical tape, then discovers the photographer won't be along for some days. Meanwhile, Eddie has a pain in her big toe, and after calling her doctor in Switzerland, she decides to go to the hospital for surgery. Patsy tags alone, planning to get a chemical peel and some eyelid rejuvenation before the Hello! photographer arrives. At the hospital, Edina and Patsy make life hell for the nurses and staff. While anesthetised, Edina dreams that she's on her deathbed and is receiving farewell visits from idealised versions of her family and friends: her daughter, now played by Helena Bonham-Carter, has followed in her bacchanal footsteps; her ex-husband Justin – who is now Richard E. Grant – still adores her and only told everyone he was gay because he could never love another woman; her mother is Germaine Greer; and Patsy (Mandy Rice-Davies) tells her how much she envies her good good bone structure. Suzi Quatro provides musical accompaniment to this scenario. In an adjoining operating room, Patsy dreams of looking young...young...young for her Hello! spread. It's all for naught, though; Edina wakes to find that her toe pains were caused by a stray acupuncture needle which worked its way from her cranium to her toe, and Patsy's skin is burned off her face.

Edina's father has died. Gran is taking it in stride, Saffron is beside herself in grief, but Edina could not be bothered. Eventually, the reality of the situation hits her: it dawns on her that some day she, Edina, is going to die. The next day, she buys a whole lot of worthless, but very expensive artwork to "bequeath to the nation". Marshall drops by with his new girlfriend, a self-help therapist who is only too keen on discussing death... until she finds out that the body is to be brought to Edina's living room for the wake; she then begins gibbering "Body! Are they crazy? It's gonna smell; it's gonna smell so bad!" Later, while Eddie is showing Patsy her new artwork, they happen to notice an occupied coffin in the midst of it all, and gaze speculatively at it, wondering "Is it art?" Saffron, completely exasperated by her mother's selfish attitude, bans Edina from the funeral, leaving her and Patsy to get hammered and sad. Edina suddenly decides she wants to go to the cemetery, and she takes Patsy along. At the burial service, Edina stumbles drunkenly into her father's grave and Patsy falls into another open grave close by. No-one offers to help, and as the episode ends we see Eddie trying to climb out, then slipping helplessly back into the grave.

Edina, Patsy, and Saffron head to Morocco for various reasons: Edina and Patsy are collaborating on a photo shoot for PopSpecs (a detachable, versatile pair of glasses) and are also looking forward to a little Moroccan debauchery; while Saffron hopes to study the indigenous peoples for school. Upon their arrival, Patsy and Eddy go directly to a luxurious villa. There, they meet up with an old friend named Humphrey who introduces himself to Saffy by sexually harassing her. At dinner, it is revealed that Patsy spent a year living as a man, "and then it fell off", as Edina puts it. The following day, during a shopping trip at an immense outdoor bazaar, Patsy gets fed up with Saffy and sells her into slavery for 2000 dirham. Later, Edina and Patsy venture out into the country for the popspecs shoot but end up stranded in the Atlas Mountains, dirty and yearning for creature comforts. After wandering around for a day or two, hopelessly lost, they encounter Saffy (now wearing a burqua and carrying a heavy burden on her head) and are rescued. They spend the last few days of their vacation drugged and unconscious while Saffy has a few adventures on her own – including a honey-and-yoghurt experience that she'd rather her mother knew nothing about.

Edina is in a hurry to get the house ready for the minimalist tastes of her visiting friend Bettina and husband Max. As a result, Saffron temporarily moves into her University's Halls of Residence and Patsy is pretty much ignored. When Bettina and Max arrive, however, they are no longer minimalist trendsetters but extremely harried parents of a newborn boy. Edina tries to be patient with them, but they cause so much havoc in the house that she leaves for a breather. At Joe's Cafe, they shamelessly try to one-up each other: Patsy hijacks a lunch with Zandra Rhodes and Britt Ekland, claiming that they all knew each other in their heyday, and Edina forces her client Lulu to have lunch with her or else she'll kill her and possibly herself. Both lunches bomb miserably. Back home, Saffron returns to find Edina plotting to get rid of Bettina and Max. As Saffron and Gran comfort Bettina later, Edina and Max have a quick fling - which can be heard via the baby transmitter in the kitchen! Bettina and Max leave, and it turns out that that was the intended result of Edina's fling. She and Patsy make up after the fact.

Edina finds out that both Marshall and Justin have cut off their alimony payments, thereby leaving her "poor". Dreading lest she be forced to do community service in "urine-stinking old people's homes for the incontinent" she reluctantly agrees to economize. However, a trip with Patsy to the supermarket (foreign territory for both of them) is more than they bargained for; on the way there, they assault a driver who dares to honk at them, and when they get to the supermarket, they fill three trolleys with groceries and steal a case of champagne. Edina's Alfa Romeo car (a "smaller car" - part of her economizing) gets clamped outside of Harvey Nichols, and they are later arrested for drunk driving, among other charges. On the day of the trial, Edina tries to justify her actions, but it is all for naught; in addition to a huge fine, she and Patsy are sentenced to community service. Their assignment is to install loft insulation into a senior citizens' home.

Patsy "inhales" the kitchen (i.e. she caused a fire in the kitchen with a lit cigarette while nodding off). The following day, Edina considers a new look for the kitchen as well as her bedroom - she is sick of the low-level Japanese furnishings. The center of life in the Monsoon house soon shifts to the living room, where Saffron is planning on having a friend over for a study session on the beginning of life, though it is later clear that she has more erotic plans afoot. Edina and Patsy, who are supposed to go out later, want to hang around for the meeting, but everything changes when Gran accidentally locks all three inside the room. As they are sequestered inside, they exchange stories about their own births: Saffron was either born on a carpet of roses (per Edina's story) or left to die on a highway (per Patsy's version), Edina's birth was sterilized to a fault, and an eventually unwanted Patsy entered the world via her mother's bohemian hang-out in Paris (after cutting the cord, she says, "Take it away...and bring me another lover!"). Gran reopens the door, and Edina and Patsy leave, relieved. The episode ends with a flashback to Edina planning on giving Saffron up for adoption.

Eddy and Patsy plan a fabulous New Years Eve party, but their plans are ruined when Patsy's sister Jackie (with whom she hadn't spoken to for over 20 years) pays a call while they are preparing to go out. Jackie is an older, crueller version of Patsy, and soon everyone hates her – everyone except Patsy, who is starstruck by her fabulous life of debauchery. Patsy insists on taking her sister to the party; Jackie, however, seems reluctant to leave the house, and disturbs Patsy when she asks for food and claims to be too tired to go out. Worse is to come: Jackie then confides that she is homeless and wants to stay with Eddie for a few months until she can raise money for a new project – a shelter for unwanted cats and dogs. Patsy, appalled, helps Jackie loot Edina's bedroom to raise the necessary funds, then brusquely shows her out. She then hurries to collect Edina and head for the party, but it's too late; for the first time in her adult life, Eddy faces the supreme humiliation of seeing in the New Year surrounded by her family in the sitting room.

A discussion on enlarging Edina's bedroom leads to a rare visit inside Serge's bedroom. While looking around, Saffron discovers a porn magazine and tries to throw it away, but Edina and Patsy prevent her. Patsy then begins reminiscing about their youthful orgies, but Eddy can't remember them, even though Patsy assures her she was there. The talk then turns to Edina's lack of sexual activity, and plans are made to hire male prostitutes via Edina's hairdresser Christopher for an old-fashioned orgy, which is scheduled for the same night as Saffron's "Genetics and Ethics" presentation at her university. The orgy doesn't start off well; Edina can't seem to get in the mood, and the prostitutes (one of whom, at least, is bisexual) are none too enthusiastic either. When Patsy tries to liven things up by popping in a porn film she has brought, it turns out to be Saffron's genetics video. Fearing the worst, Edina and Patsy, accompanied by Gran, Christopher, and his drag-queen boyfriend (who dresses a lot like Patsy, confusing Gran), rush off to the university, but it is too late: to Saffron's mortification (and the delight of the audience) the porn video – a home movie of one of the orgies Patsy remembers but Edina has forgotten – is already playing. As everyone watches, the camera pans over various intertwined couples to reveal a young Edina asleep in a corner next to a bag of crisps.

Edina is hell-bent on winning a PR award to the point that she hires Will Self to write her acceptance speech and jockeys with arch-rival Claudia Bing for the best position in proximity to the stage. It's all for naught; Claudia wins, and Edina and Patsy head home in anger. Saffron and Gerard, one of her professors, are navigating an intense but reticent flirtation in the kitchen. Edina has bigger fish to fry, though: she wants to come up with a campaign that will out-do Claudia's. Saffron finds out that Gerard is married with children. Edina hears about this and, in a rare defense of her daughter's honor, punches him in the face. At a PR meeting, Edina's speech is accidentally trashed, so she launches into a diatribe that proves to be quite successful. Edina and Patsy visit the dump to find the speech, but wind up on a trash barge headed for Belgium.

Saffron has moved out of the house and into university housing, leaving a despondent Edina home alone. Meanwhile, Patsy learns that Ella magazine has folded, and Magda suggests that she go with her to work in New York. Edina and Patsy commiserate drunkenly with each other on the sudden changes in their lives. Saffron returns and is appalled at their behavior. Edina announces that she plans to sell the house and "find herself", which annoys Saffron to the point where she storms out. Edina's plans also mean that she's cutting off Patsy, which prompts the latter to take the job in New York, thereby putting their relationship on hiatus.

Edina embarks on her finding-oneself course, only to realize that it's well below her expectations. Patsy finds herself lost, lonely and out of depth in New York. Saffron settles into university life and Gran spends her days at the Monsoon house, drinking champagne and watching home-shopping television. Edina and Patsy realize that their lives are nothing without each other, and reunite atop a New York skyscraper. Their anticlimactic return home is greeted with Gran being arrested for squatting and Saffron finally putting her foot down. The episode ends with a flash-forward to Edina and Patsy, 25 years older but not much wiser.

Edina's morning ritual is swimming with a dolphin that she has in a tank in her room. They are off to Val-d'Isère but not until afternoon so Patsy and her spend the morning at the gym (Patsy does not exercice) and the office, while we listen to an interview to Edina recorded for Radio 4. Meanwhile, Paolo, Saffy's Italian boyfriend, asks her to marry him. Patsy and Edina arrive at the Alps but it is not what they expected as there are no celebrities and nowhere night clubs that meet their approval. After dinner at a local restaurant, Patsy and Edina are back in the apart-hotel where they have a row regarding how "it has always been us" in the present life and the previous ones. A flash-back shows them as siamese sisters in a 'freaks' circus. In a rage they start destroying the apartment, an excersion that thems to break their rage. In the morning, with better mood, Edina spends the day skiing, but she gets lost and almost sails off a cliff. She "dreams" going to heaven, but God tels her it is not her time yet. Meanwhile, in London, Mrs Monsoon returns home after spending the day at the airport where she had gone to meet arriving friends. However she explains she instead she got into a plane that didn't take off, she got registered, and her suitcase was exploded. She had met at the airport a woman dressed as an Arab who brings her home: it happens to be Bo.

Patsy and Edina return from Val-d'Isère to find Mrs Monsoon's madcap American friends have effectively moved-in to her house. Edina lies in bed for three days claiming to have stigmatas (that she actually paints with lipstick). Saffron, busy preparing the wedding, has row over Edina's claims of being Jesus Christ. When Edina realises that Paolo's parents are a rich industrialist and art collector and his wife, a former air hostess, she finally shows enthusiasm for the upcoming celebration. Saffy remains smitten with Paolo who is a womanising cad and not really interested in her. Paolo's parents come to visit and the mother decides that Saffron (and Edina, for that matter) is not good enough, but Patsy makes her change her mind, blackmailing her with their common past as "actresses" in a pornographic "Bond" movie (actually Bond Meets Black Emanuelle). Edina chooses the church (St Columba's in Knightsbridge) and takes Saffy to Christian Lacroix who designs the wedding dress. The wedding ceremony commences; Sarah is bridesmaid but Eddie pushes her away and replaces her with some girl from Gucci. The wedding proceeds until the priest asks if there are any objections. Edina sees God again, who stands by the priest and shakes her head to the marriage. Eddie shouts "No!". A blase Paolo calmly leaves with the girl from Gucci. Later Patsy, Eddie and Saffy reconvene in the kitchen in a new show of solidarity, until Eddie and Patsy suddenly leave as they are taking Saffy's Honeymoon trip.

Fame at last, darling! Edina's due to apear on Richard and Judy in the morning and an invitation to Trudi and Sting's can't be far behind. She'd better iron out those wrinkles - luckily Patsy has just the thing.

Eddy wakes up one morning to discover that Saffy has hired a gardener to landscape their garden. Patsy recognizes the gardener, Jago Balfour (Crispin Bonham Carter), as the brother of one of her old drug buddies who died of an over-dosed, she also recalls that they are both from an aristocratic family with an estate in the country. Edina then sets off to seduce the young gardener, as she aspires to have a "little place in the country to stay". After a tree fuelled night of debauchery, Jago tells Eddy that his brother sniffed and smoked the family fortune away, forcing him to sell the estate and turn it into a fish farm, much to the dismay of Eddy and Patsy.

Edina is set to appear in a mother/daughter fashion spread to be shot in Paris for a glam magazine; after she fails to secure Chloë Sevigny, Kate Beckinsdale, or Liv Tyler to play her daughter, she faces the realization that Saffy will have to do. Patsy is also invited for a shoot with "face of the moment" Erin O'Connor as her fashion "daughter." After a quarrelsome ride on the Eurostar, the group arrives in Paris, where it turns out that fashion photographer Rimmer plans a generation-spanning neo-punk group fashion spread, which Patsy completely disrupts. After a quarrel between Edina and Saffy, the previously guidebook-bound Saf agrees to do Paris Eddy's way. The pair shop, dine at fancy eateries - where Edina is shocked and delighted to learn that Saffy speaks fluent French (forgetting it was a part of Saffron's education) - and head to the Eiffel Tower to complete a tradition Edina and Patsy would do every year in Paris: flash their breasts at the world. However, Edina uses the occasion to trick Saffy into appear in print topless, where she becomes in high demand.

Edina becomes inspired by "Sex and the City" but she is prompted to again battle the bulge when she realises she is not the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group, but rather the "donkey". Edina decides to tackle her weight and enrolls in a boot camp-style exercise course. Saffron disapproves of her methods, as is her wont. Edina has a dream where God and the Devil are arguing about her. Later, an argument with Saffron inadvertently reveals that the exercises are working. A svelter Edina meets up with her friends again, but is shocked to learn from Katy that despite her weight loss, she's "still too fat" to be the Sarah Jessica Parker of the group. Throughout the story Edina records her confessionals on video.

At home, Edina and Patsy are trying to get high. They suddenly hear a buzzing sound, which Patsy mistakes for a bee. It turns out to be Edina's mobile phone, and when she answers, she thinks that it's Serge calling out for help. The police are summoned, and Saffron comes home to find Edina in a state of shock, but the police can't do a thing. It is then revealed that the phone accidentally picked up rehearsals for Saffron's play, "Self Raising Flower", which details her life and paints Edina and Patsy in the most unflattering of lights ("It will make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh!" Edina cries.). On the day of the premiere, Justin, Bo, Gran, and Marshall drop by to wish good luck to Saffron, at the expense of Edina. Saffron extends an olive branch of sorts by leaving out tickets for her mother; she is loath to attend, but eventually she and Patsy do go. The play goes over well – not, however, as a pitiful domestic tragedy, as Saffy expected, but as a comedy. At the end, the cast welcome the real Edina and Patsy on stage with them, leaving Saffron in the audience, her face buried in her hands. The next day, the girl who plays Saffron is so smitten with the real one that she offers her flowers, making Saffy distinctly nervous.

Edina's career is over. Bubble accidentally forwarded all the private information of Edina's upcoming gigs to everyone in her address book - including arch-rival Claudia Bing, who has sopped up a substantial amount of her jobs, including that of getting Twiggy work. Meanwhile, Patsy literally breaks down - she breaks her arm just above her wrist. Saffron reluctantly takes her to her doctor, and comes back with shocking news: Patsy has both osteoporosis AND the lowest bone mass in world history. Saffron concludes that it's symptomatic of menopause, the very mention of which sends Edina and Patsy in a state of shock. Saffron organizes a meeting of a local menopausal support group in the living room, while Edina provides garbage bags to prevent the guests from urinating on the furniture. The group becomes raucous and nothing is established. Later, Saffron bakes a pie and, overcome by the fumes, has a horrid nightmare where Patsy is a happy homemaker-type, even more annoying to Saffron than otherwise. Patsy drops a bombshell later on - she plans to have a baby! She bought Mick Jagger's sperm at an auction and plans to "replant" it inside herself... unless Saffron allows Patsy to use the spare room.

Upon returning home from London Fashion Week activities, Edina bemoans the fact that her son is not in her life. During a visit from Bo and Marshall (who have apparently become born-again Christians in their endless quest for material success), it is inadvertently revealed that Serge is gay and living in New York, and that Marshall has "gay feelings", which he soon explores much to Bo's dismay. Against Saffron's wishes, Edina uses her upcoming trip to New York for their fashion week as a chance to reconnect with her son. With Patsy in tow, they hunt down information on Serge at an LGBT community center. A counselor, Goldie spots them and in exchange for the information, Patsy and Edina get "married". Edina finally hunts down Serge, and is shocked to learn that her son is virtually a male equivalent of Saffron who works in a bookstore. While Serge is shocked that she views gays as nothing more than fashionable accessories, his partner, Martin, takes a shine to Edina. The reunited mother and son, along with Patsy and Martin, hit New York's Fashion Week with a vengeance. Serge, while out of his element, is nonetheless able to make it through. Edina and Patsy conclude their romp by accidentally setting a biker bar on fire and getting arrested. When they arrive home, Edina and Saffron sort of make up, and it is revealed that Edina has disowned Serge in favor of Martin, whom she has "adopted".

Edina's home is a mess, and she has done some more remodeling as usual. The changes include a pool in her bathroom, and a shower that washes and buffs her like a car wash. Her new client Emma Bunton comes by to discuss new jobs. It turns out Emma knows Saffy from school, and also knows that Saffy would be disturbed by Edina's squalid house. When they realize that Saffy is coming home that day from volunteer work in Africa, Emma urges everyone to clean up. Patsy gets very involved in organizing a drawer full of odds and ends. When Saffy arrives, Edina taunts Saffy for becoming fat and fulfilling her "genetic fate." Saffy informs her that she's not fat, she's pregnant. Edina tells Saffy that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away lest anyone think she is fat.

Edina has a nightmare about Saffy's baby trying to stab her. It turns out that the face of the the nightmare baby belongs to Saffy's midwife, who delights in teasing Edina about these nightmares. Edina yells at Saffy and tells her she is not happy about this baby. Saffy invites the father of the baby to the house to tell him she is pregnant. In the meantime, Edina and Patsy has organized a book club, but as expected, no one is very interested in reading any books except celebrity gossip magazines. When Edina discovers that John Johnson, the father of Saffy's baby is black, she is overjoyed, because a mixed-race baby is the greatest accessory, the "Chanel of babies." When Saffy tells John that she is pregnant, he replies that she should tell people that she is pregnant right away lest anyone think she is fat.

Edina builds a panic room. Patsy is at her shop, Jeremy's, when Minnie Driver walks in. Minnie complains about not scoring any free stuff from other shops at Bond Street, and takes pictures of herself shopping to sell to the paparazzi. Patsy is determined to become Minnie's stylist and "go Hollywood," so she later invites Minnie to Edina's house. She has gathered racks of designer outfits with which to dress Minnie. When Minnie wants a necklace that Edina is wearing, Patsy wrestles Edina for it, and they accidentally gets shut into the panic room. They are unable to escape from the panic room for days because Patsy panicked and punched wrong codes into the keypad. While they are locked in, they play Trivial Pursuit over the intercom and camera with Saffy, and also discover that Saffy and Sarah used to play "Patsy and Eddie" in the bathtub. They also discover that Minnie Driver has made off with all the designer clothes. At the end Pasty and Eddie discover they were only locked in for a couple of hours not days as they thought and Saffy and Sarah palyed in the bathtub when they were only 10 years old.

Edina begins an ad campaign for Prince Charles' biscuits, and claims that it is "by royal appointment." Consequently, she begins to associate with the moneyed socialite crowd, and buys a weekend at a country house hotel at a Tatler auction. Saffy typically disapproves of Edina's plans to go game hunting for sport. Upon arrival, Patsy and Edina discover that nothing is in season, and the place doesn't even have any jacuzzis or massages. So they content themselves with horseback riding and clay pigeon shooting. Patsy tells Edina that the Rothschilds laughed at her for her high bid for the country house. Edina becomes angry and determines that she will kill something, and goes out with Patsy with guns blazing in the middle of the night. They bring back to the hotel a pheasant, which Edina puts in the closet. In the morning they discover that the pheasant is still alive. Patsy screams at Edina to pull its neck, but Edina bonds with it, and later drugs it and leaves it in Hyde Park. At home, Emma Bunton and Sarah bring gifts to Saffy for a baby shower, and Sarah becomes obsessed with Emma. Sarah stalks Emma, and Saffy eventually calls the police and has Sarah arrested.

Edina's 'new' boyfriend Pete is a tape engineer who used to work at Abbey Road Studios during the time that The Beatles worked there, and who had found some unreleased tapes there. In the number two studio the girls have a ball and Edina sings her 'walking down the road' song she's composed in earlier episodes while we see one of their infamous hallucinary sixties flashbacks, where Patsy is a man, saying "Ginsberg is humping Ringo, it's fabulous." Back at home Elton John, who's invited to a party to celebrate the finding of the tapes, gets annoyed. He had worked with Lennon, but was only invited because he was expected to "tinkle the ivories" (play piano) in the background, to which he strongly objects and leaves. Finally Pete playes the tapes at the party but instead of The Beatles we hear Edina singing. Apparently this is because Patsy had pressed the record button in the studio by mistake on the reel-to-reel recorder whilst she was looking for a second bottle of champagne in the control room, and Edina unknowingly sang over the tapes. After realising they're lost forever, Pete promptly collapses on the floor. The episode ends with Edina announcing she's off to New York because Yoko Ono wants her to record an album.

Patsy has booked Saffy's baby Jane (Lola) for a photo shoot with Jean-Paul Gaultier. Gran usually babysits Jane on Thursdays, so that Saffy can go out with John. But Gran does not come this Thursday, because Edina has banned her from the house. So Saffy and John are stuck at home, and Patsy can not take the baby to the photo shoot. Patsy and Edina prey on Saffy's insecurities and tell her that John will lose interest in her, and Saffy bursts out crying and asks Edina to please watch Jane while she goes out with John. Patsy and Edina take Jane to the photo shoot, and leave a note for Saffy. When they return, Saffy is incensed that they took Jane out, but is mollified when Edina insists that she bonded with Jane. When Edina hands the baby to Saffy, they discover that they brought home the wrong baby.

For the first time ever, Edina has agreed to stay home and spend Christmas with the family. Edina typically goes overboard by buying a huge tree and tons of gifts for Jane, a stocking filled with money for Saffy, but is very stingy about gifts to her mother. Patsy is very upset that she cannot go away with Edina as they do every year, as she hates Christmas. Patsy has a flashback of unpleasant Christmas memories of her childhood. Someone somewhere sticks a pin in a Patsy voodoo doll, and she collapses in pain beneath the Christmas tree. Although Edina and Saffy ignore her, John insists that Patsy needs to go to the hospital. Once at the hospital, the doctors tell Edina that Patsy is very sick and indicates that she may die. Edina and Saffy return to the house to continue their Christmas celebration. In the middle of the night, Patsy's sister Jackie arrives to visit her.

Edina decides to remodel the kitchen (again), and calls up her friends Bettina and Max. But a lot has changed since we last saw them - now divorced, Max is gay and Bettina is clinically insane. Bettina transforms the kitchen into a stairless white box, but even Edina hates it. Patsy, meanwhile, develops serious health problems and walks around with an IV stand. Saffron returns from her wedding to John in Kenya and reveals that he is a polygamist. Edina and Patsy head off to meet designers Terence Conran and Kunz for inspiration. At the latter's store, Edina claims to have seen her ideal kitchen in a previous life, so she hires a channeler. What results is a channelling that causes so much disruption in the household that Saffron and Edina argue once again, and Edina winds up assaulting baby Jane (which is contrary to her behavior - Edina is known for many things, but physical violence to family members is not one of them). Saffron has finally reached her breaking point, and kicks Edina and Patsy out of her house (it's revealed that the deed is in her name) and her life forever. Edina and Patsy convalesce in the stylish window display of Terence Conran's Shop, thus ending the series.