Lighthouse Keeping Loonies

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The Goodies episode
"Lighthouse Keeping Loonies"
Episode №	42
Airdate	31 March 1975 (Monday — 7.05 p.m.)
Director
Producer	Jim Franklin
Guest star(s)	Corbet Woodall (as himself) (the "Newsreader") Patrick Moore (as himself) (the "Astronomer")
Series V February 10 – December 21, 1975
The Movies Clown Virus Chubbie Chumps Wacky Wales Frankenfido Scatty Safari Kung Fu Kapers Lighthouse Keeping Loonies Rome Antics Fleet Street Goodies South Africa Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms The End The Goodies Rule – O.K.?
List of The Goodies episodes

Lighthouse Keeping Loonies is an episode of the British comedy television series The Goodies

This episode is also known as "The Lighthouse Men".

1 Plot
2 Song written by Bill Oddie
3 Music
4 Notes
5 References
6 External links

[edit] Plot

The Goodies answer a newspaper advertisement for "light housekeeping". The Goodies are accepted, but later find that the advertisement should have said, "lighthouse keeping".

The lighthouse they are taken to is the sinister "Jollyrock Lighthouse", where lighthouse keepers have been disappearing. The Goodies enter the lighthouse via a zip-line, with Bill coming last in a large pair of underpants. Tim immediately proclaims himself 'Number 1', with Bill and Graeme as 'Number 2's'. Tim orders Graeme to light the lamp which, after some complaining, he does. Graeme tries to read a book by the lamp, creating shadows as he tries to follow it around.

Bill objects to everything in the lighthouse being round. Even the cards and chessboard are round. After Tim serves him a round lemon meringue pie he chases him around the table, eventually splattering him with it. Graeme comes back down with his clothes in tatters, having been ravaged by moths.

There is a very heavy fog and a several famous ships come near the lighthouse, such as the QE2 and the Brittania. As the Britannia passes, a white glove (presumably the Queen's) waves through the window and another hand (presumably Duke of Edinburgh's) makes a rude gesture at Tim. Graeme gets out the foghorn, but when he tries to stop it by unplugging it and smashing it, it continues to work. Tim finds the offending part, but when Graeme swallows it, he becomes the foghorn. He leans out of the window to warn the ships, but the foghorn stops and all he can do is quack. After he has a drink, this too stops.

Graeme sends Bill to dig under the lighthouse to find more fuel for the lamp. Eventually, Bill finds something, but Tim gets squirted with the oil. He then goes to have a bath, whilst Graeme and Bill celebrate their find. Bill goes down to check the pressure, but he can't see, so he asks Graeme to drop a match though the opening. They both suddenly realise, too late, that having a lit match is very dangerous amongst the oil that Bill has found. All of a sudden there is a terrific roar and the lighthouse takes off at enormous speed.

A news broadcast is shown about the missing lighthouse, with Photofit pictures of the Queen and Prince Philip. Other items on the news broadcast included the following:

a UFO 'sighting' of the lighthouse, where an inhabitant of the craft (Tim in the bath) is described as 'holding a rubber duck and wearing a hat of frilly pink plastic'. The chairman of the They've Already Landed society claims that this is the standard uniform of the Venusian space fleet.
Religious groups are regarding this sighting as a second coming.
Lastly, a new comet has been discovered, to the great excitement of astronomer Patrick Moore.

After a while, the lighthouse slows down enough to go into orbit around the Earth — but, where will the lighthouse eventually land?

[edit] Song written by Bill Oddie

The "Song of the Jollyrock Light"

Tim (speaking): "Oh look, here's one about our lighthouse!"

Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing):

"Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar

When you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore.

But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure.

Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more."

Tim, Graeme and Bill (losing heart):

"Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.

I wouldn't go near it if I was you."

Graeme (singing):

"So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race."

Tim (singing):

'"It's utterly appalling and not at all neat."

Bill (singing):

"For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace."

Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing)

"Cause people get killed there all over the place!"

Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing full cheer):

"Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.

I wouldn't go near it, if I was you."

Tim (speaking): "Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about!"

Bill (losing heart):

"Well blood will run cold , and your heart fill with dread."

Graeme (losing heart):

"For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!"

Bill (singing):

"If you stay there one night, you'll go clean off your head.

Graeme and Bill (singing)

And no time at all, you will probably catch mumps."

Tim (speaking, with mumps): "That doesn't even rhyme!"

[edit] Music

The music which is used for the carousel in the musical, and film, Carousel"

[edit] Notes

The episode was shot in two separate sessions, as a result of union rules at the BBC concerning studio time overrunning.
During the DVD audio commentary for this track, Bill Oddie describes the final special effect sequence - an ocean liner cruising through a London thoroughfare - as looking like "something Terry Gilliam knocked up".
Although Patrick Moore was happy to spoof himself in a number of episodes of The Goodies, when Tim Brooke-Taylor suggested making a lucrative television advertisement, Moore reportedly responded with "I'd rather be found dead in a ditch"!
A Walk In the Black Forest, as used memorably in the 1970 episode Radio Goodies, resurfaces here, and gets an instant laugh from the audience.

[edit] References

"The Complete Goodies" — Robert Ross, B T Batsford, London, 2000
"The Goodies Rule OK" — Robert Ross, Carlton Books Ltd, Sydney, 2006
"From Fringe to Flying Circus — 'Celebrating a Unique Generation of Comedy 1960-1980'" — Roger Wilmut, Eyre Methuen Ltd, 1980
"The Goodies Episode Summaries" — Brett Allender
"The Goodies — Fact File" — Matthew K. Sharp