User:Kc62301/Relationship rules

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Relationship rules refer to standards or guidelines of conduct that partners in close relationships agree to follow in order to minimize conflict.

Authors refer to relationship rules by many names. Some authors refer to relationship rules simply as rules. Argyle, for example, writes "We now turn to the rules of relationships. Rules of marriage and descent are regarded as functional by anthropologists: For example, exogamy creates links between different families. In our own society there appear to be definite rules about behaviour towards close kin—one should keep in touch and provide help when it is needed." (Argyle, 1986: page 25)[1] Other authors refer to relationship rules as agreements. Easton and Liszt write that "Most successful relationships, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about behavior: you don't kiss your mailman, you don't tip your mother. These are the unspoken rules we learn very early in our lives, from our parents, our playmates and our cultures." (Easton & Liszt, 1997: page 189)[2] Still other authors use terms like ground rules to refer to relationship rules. Rust uses the term ground rules to describe rules for open marriages: "Respondents in the current study who are involved in open relationships stressed the importance of establishing ground rules for the conduct of sexual or romantic relationships outside the primary relationship. Ground rules serve to protect the primary relationship from the potential threat of outside relationships, to ease feelings of jealousy, and to promote honesty within the primary relationship." (Rust, 1996: page 140)[3] Although authors give different names to relationship rules, relationship rules always refer to guidelines of behavior that relationship partners agree to follow to reduce or eliminate conflict.

Contents

[edit] Benefits of Rules

People sometimes dislike the concept of rules in relationships. Rules are restrictive. Placing too many restrictions on personal relationships can undermine individual freedom, threatening to smother individual identity and individual happiness. Individuals may feel suffocated by too many restrictions in their relationships.

Yet, relationship rules have benefits when used in moderation. Researchers have drawn various analogies to describe the benefits of relationship rules. Argile draws an analogy between relationship rules and rules of the road.[1] The rules of the road allow drivers to easily coordinate their behaviors so they can reach their destinations with fewer collisions. Relationship rules similarly allow partners to easily coordinate their behaviors to achieve shared goals with fewer conflicts. Another analogy, drawn by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg, compares relationship rules to the control rods of nuclear reactors. [4] Control rods allow engineers to regulate the temperature of nuclear reactors. As engineers lower control rods into the reaction chamber, the control rods absorb heat and prevent the reactor from overheating. Communication rules similarly allow couples to regulate emotions during arguments. As couples stick to rules of helpful communication, the rules prevent negative emotions from esclating into a fight capable of damaging the relationship.

[edit] General Relationship Rules

[edit] All Relationships

Argyle and colleagues have conducted studies indicating the existence of rules that apply to all relationships. For example, Argyle, Graham, Campbell, and White collected 124 possible rules for 25 different situations in a pilot study, then carried out a formal study to see if people endorsed some rules as applying to all situations. [5] The participants in their study did endorse some rules in all situations. These included rules such as "be polite" and "do not embarass others." In a subsequent study, Argyle, Henderson, Bond, Iizuka, and Contarello asked people to rate how strongly each of 40 or so rules applied to 22 different relationships. [6] For each relationship, the 40 or so rules consisted of 33 rules theorized to be universal rules and 5-10 rules theorized to be specific to that particular relationship. The people in this study strongly endorsed the following rules as applying to all types of relationships:

  • seek to repay debts, favours or compliments, no matter how small
  • be emotionally supportive
  • respect the other's privacy
  • keep confidences
  • share news of success with the other person
  • do not criticize the other person in public
  • stand up for the other person in their absence
  • look the other person in the eye during conversation
  • address the other by their first name
  • do not engage in sexual activity with another

The findings from these studies indicate that some relationship rules apply to all situations and all relationships. It is important to point out that relationship rules may be "universal" only within specific cultures or specific historical periods. When Argyle and colleagues looked at the same relationship rules in Hong Kong, Japan, and Italy, they observed cultural differences. [1] For example, people from Hong Kong placed greater emphasis on respecting privacy, while people in Japan placed less emphasis on standing up for others in their absence. Relationship rules may be universal only in the sense that they apply to all relationships within a given culture for a given historical period.

[edit] Friendships

Argyle and colleagues have conducted studies asking people to decide which rules apply to specific kinds of relationships.[1] The following were widely endorsed as rules of friendship:

  • seek to repay debts, favours, or compliments, no matter how small
  • be emotionally supportive
  • respect the other's privacy
  • keep confidences
  • share news of success with the other
  • do not criticize the other person in public
  • stand up for the other person in their absence
  • volunteer help in time of need
  • strive to make him/her happy while in each other's company
  • trust and confide in each other
  • do not nag
  • be tolerant of each other's friends
  • do not be jealous or critical of other relationships

[edit] Marriages

Neubeck, drawing on themes from previously published literature, has proposed three "ground rules" of traditional marriage:[7]

  • individuals enter marriage on a voluntary basis
  • marriage is a permanent relationship
  • in monogamous marriage one man is married to one woman

However, as Neubeck points out, these ground rules conflict with other cultural values and social trends. Although individuals enter marriage voluntarily, Western cultures place a high value on getting married. Although marriage is viewed as a permanent relationship, divorces are legal and common. Although marriage is supposed to be a monogamous relationship between a man and woman, two people cannot fulfill every need for one another, and married partners can consequently turn to extramarital relationships to get their needs fulfilled.

Argyle and colleagues, based on studies asking people decide which rules apply to particular relationships, found that people endorsed a different sets of rules for wives and husbands. .[1] The ten most important rules for wives included:

  • be emotionally supportive
  • be faithful
  • share news of success
  • respect the other's privacy
  • do not discuss that which is said in confidence with the other person
  • indulge in sexual activity
  • stand up for the other person in their absence
  • create a harmonious home atmosphere
  • address the other person by first name
  • give birthday cards and presents

The ten most important rules for husbands in the same study included:

  • look after the family when the wife is unwell
  • be emotionally supportive
  • show an interest in the wife's daily activities
  • create a harmonious home atmosphere
  • share news of success
  • be faithful
  • address the other person by first name
  • give birthday cards and presents
  • respect the other's privacy
  • be tolerant of the other

[edit] Rules for Fighting Fairly

Psychologists have offered many lists of rules for managing conflict in close relationships. The lists vary widely depending both on the theoretical backgrounds and on the personal insights of individual psychologists. A comprehensive review of relationship rules for managing conflict could fill an entire book. This section simply provides a few examples.

An early example of rules for fair fighting comes from a 1969 book called The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage by Bach and Wyden.[8] Bach and Wyden offer the following rules for constructive fighting in marriages:

  • Choose your time and place by mutual consent.
  • Keep your anger focused on current issues, on the present moment rather than the past.
  • Know what you are fighting about. (Trivial issues can be decoys for real issues.)
  • Be as candid as you possibly can.
  • Don't try to win, ever. (If one partner wins, both partners lose in terms of resentment.)

A more recent example comes from a 1994 book called Fighting For Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg.[4] These authors offer the following rules for handling conflict during arguments:

  • When conflict is escalating, we will call a Time Out or Stop Action and either (a) try it again, using the Speaker-Listener technique or (b) agree to talk about the issue later, at a specified time, using the Speaker-Listener technique.
  • When we're having trouble communicating, we will use the Speaker-Listener technique.
  • When we're using the Speaker-Listener technique, we will completely separate problem discussion from problem solution (i.e., we will discuss the nature of the problem before jumping too quickly to finding solutions).
  • We can bring up issues at any time, but a partner can say: "This is not a good time." If a partner doesn't want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.
  • We will have weekly "couple's meetings."
  • We will make time for the great things: fun, friendship, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.

These two lists of rules illustrate how different psychologists offer different rules for fighting fairly. Both lists above suggest couples should negotiate times to have arguments, allowing both partners to come to the argument in the best possible state of mind. However, the rules by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg refer to a specific technique of communication and include a rule to make time for fun activities. These are not included in the rules by Bach and Wyden. Different lists of rules for fighting fairly may overlap to some extent, but many lists contain real differences reflecting theoretical backgrounds and individual insights.

Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg point out that the Speaker-Listener Technique itself consists of a set of rules. The rules of the Speaker-Listener Technique:

"...do not remove the conflict or solve the problem, but they set the stage for the discussion. They provide agreed-upon guidelines for what is in bounds and what is not, who can speak when and in what way, and how both will take turns listening to each other." (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 1994: pages 46-47)[4]

The rules of the Speaker-Listener Technique can be divided into three sets. One set of rules apply to both the Speaker and the Listener:

  • The speaker has the floor.
  • Share the floor (i.e., take turns being Speaker).
  • No problem solving.

The next set of rules apply to the Speaker:

  • Speak for yourself.
  • Don't go on and on.
  • Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

The final set of rules apply to the Listener:

  • Paraphrase what you hear.
  • Focus on the speaker's message.
  • Don't rebut the speaker.

Using the Speaker-Listener technique in the context of other rules for fighting fairly may help couples maintain happier and longer-lasting relationships.

[edit] Rules for Managing Jealousy

[edit] Monogamous couples

Sexually monogamous couples have ground rules limiting sexual behaviors with people outside their relationships. The main rule, of course, is not to engage in sexual activities with people outside the relationship. Other rules may be designed to prohibit behaviors that could ignite affection or sexual desire for other people. These rules are often made explicit in studies of infidelity. For example, studies have asked people if they would consider it an act of infidelity for their mates to engage in the following behaviors:[9][10][11][12]

  • sharing deep emotional and/or intimate information with another person
  • going on a date (e.g., out to dinner or a movie) with another person
  • dancing with another person
  • flirting with another person
  • kissing another person
  • petting with another person
  • hot chatting with another person on the Internet
  • receiving pornographic pictures from another person via email
  • having cybersex with another person
  • going to strip clubs

People prohibit behaviors they view as acts of infidelity because such behaviors provoke jealousy, rivalry, and conflict. Prohibitions against these behaviors constitute the ground rules of their relationships. Couples may have different ground rules depending on which behaviors the individual partners view as acts of infidelity and agree to prohibit.

[edit] Sexually Open Couples

Couples in open marriages use relationship rules to restrict intimacy and sexual behavior with extramarital sex partners. These restrictions help couples manage romantic rivalry and jealousy:

"Sex outside the relationship is potentially very disruptive. It triggers people's insecurities and fears. Traditional marriages have dealt with this by ruling out non-monogamy. Couples who engage in open relationships formulate rules to guide their behavior, to make outside sex very predictable and orderly. These rules remind the partners that their relationship comes first and anything else must take second place." (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983, page 268)[13]

"Respondents in the current study who are involved in open relationships stressed the importance of establishing ground rules for the conduct of sexual or romantic relationships outside the primary relationship. Ground rules serve to protect the primary relationship from the potential threat of outside relationships, to ease feelings of jealousy, and to promote honesty within the primary relationship." (Rust, 1996, page 488)[3]

"To help deal with the potentially divisive issue of jealousy, bisexuals in open relationships established ground rules." (Weinberg, Williams, & Pryor, 1995, page 110)[14]

"Many practitioners of negotiated nonmonogamy have little or no political critique of 'being a couple.' It seems that in the majority of examples I came across practitioners of nonmonogamy were pursuing the goal of being a couple while retaining sexual autonomy or, in the language of Janet Askham, of achieving the stability of a couple while developing their identity through other sexual relationships. Nonmonogamy was used as a badge of autonomy and the new pleasures explored were proclaimed as aspects of self-development while other exclusionary rules were used to sustain the stability of the couple by modifying other possibilities for autonomy and self-expression." (Jamieson, 2004, page 53)[15]

"The most common story of nonexclusive relationships told in our research is of commitment to emotionally monogamous, but often sexually open, partnerships, where sex outside the primary relationship is agreed but ground rules are put in place to protect the primary couple bond." (Heaphy, Donovan, & Weeks, 2004, page 173)[16]

Relationship rules appear to help couples in open marriages in many ways. They remind couples of the primary importance of their marriages compared to all other sexual relationships. They bring a reassuring sense of predictability to extramarital sexual relationships. They minimize events that trigger insecurities and fears. They promote more open communication. All these things help couples manage romantic rivalry and jealousy.

This does not mean all couples in open relationships have ground rules regarding extramarital sexual activities. Up to one-quarter of couples in open marriages claim to have no ground rules.[14] Some couples who claim to have no ground rules truly allow one another to do whatever they want whenever they want. However, these "anything goes" relationships are rare. Most couples who claim to have no ground rules in fact have them. [13] Couples may deny having ground rules because they do not explicitly discuss what the rules should be. They establish ground rules implicitly, drawing inferences from the words, emotions, and body gestures of their partners over the course of many conversations. Consequently, they do not recognize their ground rules as rules. Couples may also deny having ground rules because the very concept of rules conflicts with their philosophy of freedom in relationships. Jamieson observes:

"Sometimes the makers of such arrangements nevertheless make political claims concerning the importance of de-emphasizing possessiveness or the couple relationship, despite the fact that the rules are designed to sustain the exclusivity of the couple." (Jamieson, 2004, page 44)[15]

Couples who want to de-emphasize possessiveness and emphasize personal freedom may prefer to view themselves as having "understandings" with their partners or "choosing" not to do things they know would hurt their partners. These understandings and choices serve the same function as ground rules whether or not they are labeled as ground rules. Regardless of the reasons why couples may deny having ground rules, such couples represent a minority. The majority of couples in open marriages report having ground rules and recognize the importance of ground rules in managing jealousy and conflict.[13][3][14]

Examples of ground rules for sexually open relationships abound. The following ground rules have been mentioned in previous studies:[3][13][14][15][17][18]

  • do not bring home a sexually transmitted disease (i.e., practice safer sex)
  • do not become too involved with outside partners
  • do not spend too much time with outside partners
  • never have sex with the same person twice (i.e., allow only one-night stands)
  • never have sex with someone else in the couple's home or the couple's bed
  • never have sex with mutual friends
  • introduce your spouse to all outside partners
  • never reveal the identities of outside partners
  • only have sex with outside partners who are themselves involved in committed open relationships
  • sex with outside partners is only allowed at sex parties.
  • sex with outside partners is only allowed in three-ways (i.e., when both spouses are present)
  • tell each other everything that happens with outside partners
  • keep what happens with outside partners invisible to your spouse
  • always tell your spouse before having sex with an outside partner
  • sex with outside partners is always subject to the approval of one's spouse (i.e., a spouse has veto power)
  • do not let children, neighbors, or family find out
  • primary value is placed on maintaining the marriage

These ground rules by no means constitute an exhaustive list. An exhaustive list might easily include dozens, if not hundreds, of specific rules. Readers interested in finding additional examples of ground rules may want to visit Web sites devoted to polyamory or swinging.[19][20][21][22]

[edit] Changing the Rules

Relationship rules cam change over the course of a relationship. Even with rules as sensitive as the rules for open marriages, couples sometimes decide to change the rules.[3][14] Rust offers the following advice:

"Finally, the partners should discuss the possibility that they will have to revise their rules as their relationship develops. At least they should agree that, if either partner becomes dissatisfied with the rules, then that partner should communicate dissatisfaction to the other. Rules are conservative in the sense that they do not change unless they are intentionally changed; relationships, on the other hand, grow and change seemingly without any conscious intent on anyone's part. It is important that the lines of communication be kept open to allow this growth and change to take place and to permit adjustment of the rules as the relationship changes." (Rust, 1996, pages 492-493)[3]

Relationships appear too complex to expect a set of rules to apply for life. Each partner in a relationship grows and changes, which can make a relationship rule obsolete or require a new relationship rule. The situations partners face also change over time. New situations may require abandoning some relationship rules and formulating other relationship rules.

[edit] Breaking the Rules

People do not always follow the relationship rules to which they agree. This generally has detrimental effects on the relationship. Couples who don't follow rules for fair fighting can lose the sense of safety and control needed to successfully deal with issues.

"One of the most destructive things that can happen to your marriage is to have the growing sense that you're walking through a mine field. You know the feeling. You begin to wonder where the next explosion will come from, and you don't feel in control of where you're going. You no longer feel free to just 'be' with your partner. You don't know when you're about to step on a mine, but you know right away when you do. It doesn't have to be this way. These ground rules do a lot toward getting you back on safe ground." (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 1994: pages 113-114[4]

Breaking rules for managing jealousy can also damage relationships. Weinberg, Williams, and Pryor report that people do break rules for managing jealousy:

"Despite the time and energy given to negotiating rules for open relationships, we found that even when they existed and were agreed on, they were not always followed. Rules concerning time allocation were broken most often. Those with an established time schedule cited certain problems: e.g., when something spontaneous happened or unforeseen circumstances arose or if they forgot or lost track of time. Others simply did not take the rules very seriously. In the words of two interviewees: 'If I'm turned on to somebody I go ahead regardless of the rules;' 'I break them whenever I choose.' (Weinberg, Williams, & Pryor, 1995, page 113)[14]

Breaking rules that manage jealousy can have serious consequences for relationships. Some partners interpret violations of these rules as acts of infidelity, the equivalent of having an illicit affair or cheating.[19]

[edit] References

  1. ^ a b c d e Argyle, M. (1986). The skills, rules, and goals of relationships. In S. Duck and R. Gilmour (Eds.), The Emerging Field of Personal Relationships (pp. 23-39). Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  2. ^ Easton, D., & Liszt, C.A. (1997). The Ethical Slut. San Francisco, CA: Greenery Press.
  3. ^ a b c d e f Rust, P.C. (1996). Monogamy and polyamory: Relationship issues for bisexuals. In B.A. Firestein (Ed.), Bisexuality: The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority (pp. 127-148). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
  4. ^ a b c d Markman,, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting For Your Marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossy-Bass Publishers.
  5. ^ Argyle, M., Graham, J. A., Campbell, A., & White, P. (1979). The rules of different situations. New Zealand Psychologist, 8, 13-22.
  6. ^ Argyle, M., Henderson, M., Bond, M., Iizuka, Y., & Contarello, A. (1986). Cross-cultural variations in relationship rules. International, journal of Psychology, 21, 287-315.
  7. ^ Neubeck, G. (1969). The dimensions of the "extra" in extramarital relations. In G. Neubeck (Ed.), Extramarital Relations (pp. 12-24). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
  8. ^ Bach, G.R., and Wyden, P. (1969). The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage. New York, NY: William Morrow and Company.
  9. ^ Neubeck, G. & Schletzer, V.M. (1969). A study of extramarital relationships. In G. Neubeck (Ed.), Extramarital Relations (pp. 146-152). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
  10. ^ Roscoe, B., Cavanaugh, L.E., & Kennedy, D.R. (1988). Dating infidelity: behaviors reasons, and consequences. Adolescence, 23, 35–43.
  11. ^ Yarab, P.E., Sensibaugh, C.C., & Rice-Allgeier, E. (1998). More than just sex: gender differences in the incidence of self-defined unfaithful behavior in heterosexual dating relationships. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 10, 45–57.
  12. ^ Whitty, M.T. (2003). Pushing the wrong buttons: Men’s and women’s attitudes toward online and offline infidelity. CyberPsychology and Behavior, 6, 569-579.
  13. ^ a b c d Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1983). American Couples: Money, Work, Sex. New York, NY: William Morrow and Company.
  14. ^ a b c d e f Weinberg, M.S., Williams, C.J., & Pryor, D.W. (1995). Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  15. ^ a b c Jamieson, L. (2004). Intimacy, negotiated nonmonogamy, and the limits of the couple. In G. Allan, J. Duncombe, K. Harrison, and D. Marsden (Eds.), The State of Affairs: Explorations in Infidelity and Commitment, (pp. 35-57). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  16. ^ Heaphy, B., Donovan, C., & Weeks, J. (2004). A different affair? Openness and nonmonogamy in same sex relationships. In G. Allan, J. Duncombe, K. Harrison, and D. Marsden (Eds.), The State of Affairs: Explorations in Infidelity and Commitment (pp. 167-186). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  17. ^ Buunk, B. (1980). Sexually open marriages: Ground rules for countering potential threats to marriage. Alternative Lifestyles, 3:312-328.
  18. ^ O'Neill, N., & O'Neill, G. (1972). Open Marriage: A New Lifestyle for Couples. New York, NY: Avon Books. See the conditions described on pages 174-175.
  19. ^ a b Shernoff, M. (1999). How to Be Nonmonogamous: Some Survival Tips, Genre, 71. Retrieved July 22, 2006 from http://www.gaypsychotherapy.com/genrenonmonogamy.htm
  20. ^ Going Down Further, Threesomes and Swinging. Retrieved July 22, 2006 from http://members.tripod.com/midniterambler2002-ivil/goingdownfurther/id26.html
  21. ^ Figart, N. So You Wanna Be Poly. Retrieved July 22, 2006 from http://www.polyfamilies.com/misanthrope20050319.html
  22. ^ Cat's polyamory page. Retrieved July 22, 2006 from http://www.geocities.com/starrbi/Polyamory.html

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