Hold on to your kids (Book)
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| Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers | |
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| Author | Gordon Neufeld, PH.D. & Gabor Maté, M.D. |
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| Country | Canada |
| Language | English |
| Genre(s) | Psychology |
| Publisher | Vintage Canada, Ballantine Books |
| Publication date | 2004 |
| Media type | Print (Hardback & Paperback) |
| Pages | 296 p. (paperback edition) |
| ISBN | ISBN 0-676-97472-4 (paperback edition) |
Hold on to your kids is a 2004 book by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté in which they look at the current trend where peers replacing parents in the lives of many children. The book explores the disturbing consequences of that, and gives logical explanations why it is happening, and gives suggestions what parents can do about it.
Contents |
[edit] Summary
The child's umbilical cord is cut after birth, stopping the nurturing food; later an invisible "umbilical cord" forms between the child and its parents that make the nurturing parenting possible. This "umbilical cord" is the attachment that needs to be form between child and parents. Having this attachment in place, parenting is natural and easy. Without it, the "umbilical cord" is cut; parents can not reach the child.
The book argues that parents are not aware of this and if something goes wrong, they try to find remedies in parental techniques. If that does not work they look for problems in themselves or they look for problems in the child, when in fact the problem is in the relationship.
The book argues that there is a current trend where the children losing the important attachment("umbilical cord") to their parents, so children turn to their peers for satisfying their attachment hunger. But peers are not qualified to take that role.
Hold on to your kids shows how to maintain this attachment or how to recollect your children if they are already lost to their peers.
The book also argues against some popular believes and worries parents sometime have. Some of them are:
| popular beliefs / worries | book arguments |
|---|---|
| we should foster independence from younge age | child needs dependence first in order the develop independence skills |
| focus on the child behavior | focus should be on the relationship, connection of the "umbilical cord", then child can be easily influenced |
| teach him a lesson for bad behavior | child won't learn from the lesson without the attachment ("umbilical cord") |
| send her to her room for punishment | that may go against her attachment needs, may push her to turn to her peers |
| child should not be shy in front of peers | shyness shows that he/she can not attach easily to those he/she does not know well; probably he/she has a healthy attachment to the parents |
Hold on to your kids also explains why some child without normal parenting can still develop as a normal human being.
"The satiation of attachment hunger is the key to releasing a child from preoccupation with attachment. Yet there are people who have matured well without ever having enjoyed, as children, a nurturing attachment with an adult. How can this be? The explanation is that there is a second key to unlocking the maturation process. One could call it "the back door to maturation," as it is far less obvious and in many ways the opposite of satiation. This emotional turning point comes when, instead of being fulfilled by what works, the child's brain registers that the attachment hunger is not going to be satisfied in this situation or at this time."
Some kids have not been tasted attachment or if they did their brain registered that their attachement needs won't be met in the future, they do not feel the hunger for it.
