Headers and volleys

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Headers and Volleys (also known as Heads and Volleys, Heads and Vs, Heeds and Trolleys, Hs and Vs, Heads and Vods, Head and Vol, Technique and Cooler ) is an informal football variant playable by 3 or more people. The object of the game is to score against a predetermined goalkeeper using only headers and volleys (aerial shots that have not bounced before being struck).

Contents

[edit] Objective

The outfield players must try to score goals past the goalkeeper either by headers or volleys. Ground shots do not count and players are not allowed to set themselves up.

The aim of the game for the goalkeeper is to become an outfield player by stopping attempts at his goal. It is the outfield players' task to keep the goalkeeper in goals for as long as possible.

The game is played in one of two ways:

  • Continuous Play
  • Points

For Chevron Rules Headers and Volleys click here.

The common name for this game is "arse whack", in the north yorkshire town of Harrogate, believed to be the birth place of the modern game.

[edit] Continuous Play

The goalkeeper stays in goal until he successfully manages to catch an attempt on goal or if the ball goes over the bar or wide, in which event he is "free". Saving the ball without catching or catching the ball on the bounce does not count.

Variations include allowing two overs before a player goes in goal, the player not having to go in goal if he hits it wide/over from a header and the player not having to go in net from a header when the goalkeeper catches the ball unless it is with one hand only.

The outfield player who last touched the ball becomes the new goalkeeper. This continues indefinitely until the players choose to end the game.

Sometimes heads and volleys is followed by 'red arse' - a game where any number of players take shots at the goalkeeper who has his back to the ball, with the aim to hit it on the backside. The rule of red arse' following on from heads and volleys is that the goalkeeper who is in net when the 10th goal of the round of heads and volleys is scored, will be the goalkeeper who stays in net during the game of 'red arse' and will therefore be the target. Only players who have scored in the round of heads and volleys and any players who were in net earlier in the round can have a shot.

It is important to mention "sour grapes". This referes to the reaction by the goalkeeper due to receive the unfortunate punishment in a position of isolation within the group hungry to inflict rectal pain. The most notable victim of the sour grapes phenomenon is Robert McIntyre, who preceded to walk away, mumbling to himself, when he Lost.

The game is also usually played against a "Medieval Bog" This term was first coined by Dr Richard Shackleton and Lord Kendall of Follifoot after the discovery of a medieval toilet on The Oval (the home of "whack"). Much has been written about the bog and (circa 1999) some players began to incorrectly call the bog the block. The bog is carved of Yorkshire Sandstone and dates from the early 12th century and was originally used by The Count of Brittany who was granted lands in Yorkshire as an outdoor convenience for him and his men on trips out. It is said that the Count would bend his men over the block and kick a pigs bladder at their exposed behinds for his merriment - tapestries of the period depict this activity and can be found hanging in the Frank Martin Gallery.

During examination of the block Dr Shackleton along with Sir Mountbatten-Tucker discovered ancient faeces in the circular hole in the top of the bog. Further examination by Dr Nick Louden of the Royal Institute of Faeces in 2001 verified its provenance; proving that the piece of stone was indeed a medieval bog. Carbon identification connected the faeces with a lieutenant of the Count, named Harold J Murphy..hence the current term for faeces found on the playing field - "murphs".

This article needs an arse wipe. Nice try at vandalism, ya bleedin fairy.

[edit] Points

Like continuous play, only the goalkeeper is not immediately free after he has caught the ball or it has gone over or wide. Instead, a pre-determined number of points is selected (usually five) and each catch/miss gets one point for the goalkeeper and each goal gets a point for the outfield players. In the event of the goalkeeper reaching the target number of points first, he frees himself and is replaced by the outfield player who gave the last point away.

Aside from the above, points can also be scored for the goalkeeper in the following way:

  • Handball by an outfield player
  • Illegal goal (not a header or volley)

In some variations, one or both of these could result in automatic freedom for the goalkeeper, regardless of the score, and the guilty outfield player takes his place.

Due to the informal nature of the game, and its status as a game most commonly played in playgrounds across Britain & Ireland, the precise rules of the game will usually vary. To catalogue such variations (which can usually be used in just about any combination) exhaustively would be near-impossible, but some of the most popular include :

  • Sometimes, the starting goalkeeper will start on a certain number of 'lives', usually 6, while the outfield players start on 5. Every time the goalkeeper concedes a head or volley he loses a life. Sometimes the goalkeeper and all outfield players will share lives, thus meaning the player in goal on 1 life may lose, whilst having only conceded 1 goal.
  • Depending on the variant of the game, the player who loses all of his 'lives' is either eliminated, or punished in a certain way, the most common being he must stand against the wall while the other players shoot the ball at him. This is sometimes known as a "stinger", there are two main variants of a stinger, normal and bare. A bare stinger is performed by the ball being shot directly at the bare buttocks of the player. The severity of the stinger and the frequency is usually agreed upon at the beginning of the game. (See Red Arse)
  • Variations exist over what constitutes a "clean catch" - in some cases, he goalkeeper must catch the ball with one hand for a header for it to count, while two hands are viable for a volley.
  • Another instance that sometimes exists is the "specy" or "speccy". This occurs when the person shooting is off the ground when he/she strikes the ball. This makes the striker immune from losing a life/going in goal if they miss.
  • Some varaitions provide immunity for players attempting to score a goal with their head.
  • Occasionally an area in which the players cannot volley but may head is designated, this is usually the 6 yard area when playing in proper goals. In some variations, players may also score off a volley using their heal within the designated "header" area.
  • Other changes include allowing a certain number of bounces before the ball is struck, allow more touches of the ball before a shot and the goalkeeper losing 2 lives should he/she be scored against with a particularly good goal.
  • "Keepers Volleys" is another variation, when the goalkeeper throws/kicks the ball outfield the players cannot score directly from this by heading or volleying the ball, if they do they become the goalkeeper.
  • Players are normally in goal because either the player shot 2 shots wide, the keeper caught the ball either with 1 hand or twice with 2 hands (headers don't count), they scored a goal which wasn't headered or volleyed. Headers are worth 2 points and a head has to be scored on the 9th goal. When 10 has been scored the keeper must choose to have either "Blasts" which involves getting the ball blasted really hard at you in the goal and if you miss you go in goal and the next player gets to blast the ball at the rest of the players. "Tunnels" were a pair of players make a tunnel with their hands and the player who was in goal has to survive running through the tunnel wile the rest of the players attempt to kick the players. There is also a penalty shootout which when the player has scored the goal (no rebounds allowed) the player goes up a division. Starting off with something low like division to then going up to the premiership, the fa cup, the league cup and maybe Europe and the champions league depending on what the players choose. The game is often played on substaions using the gates as goals.
  • In certain areas a points system is allocated. This can range from a basic 'one point for volleys, two for headers' rule to a complex, sprawling numerical system that awards, for example, three points for back-heeled volleys, four points for flying volleys, five points for over-head kicks and ten points for a header from outside a designated area. Other high-scoring goals could be one scored via a players' buttocks, with a scorpion kick, or even a combination of the above (an attempted over-head kick inadvertently scored with the heel or head, for example) Execution patented by Alan Shearer during the pre-tornament warm-up for Euro '96.
  • Another major vairiation of the game is called 60 seconds, or sometimes 66, after the 1966 England World Cup win. The game remains the same however the goal keeper counts aloud to sixty (or sixty-six). In that time the out field players must score one header or volley. If successful the goalkeeper starts counting from 1 again but this time the outfield players must score 1 header or volley within 50 (56) seconds, and so on until they need to score one in 10 (16) seconds. If the players are successful then the keeper starts counting from 60 (66) seconds again, but this time players must score 2 headers or volleys in that time. If the out field players do not score the required amount of goals within the allotted time, the last outfield player to touch the ball in play will go in goal. If the ball goes out of play* then the goal keeper pauses counting until the ball is back in play.
  • Out of play is determined by the players before the game, it could be to the halfway line or outside of the pitch, park, schoolyard etc
  • A variation that originated in 1996 allows outfield players to score "Yeboahs" in reference to the stupendous goal scored by Tony Yeboah for Leeds United. The outfield player can take a first touch on the knee before unleashing the volley. Typically this is only allowed when the player is 18 yards or more away from goal
  • Due to the informality of the game it is easy to make new branch off games that differ from the original mandate. An example of this is game of "techkneeque", the basics of this game are the same except for the rule that goals can only be scored using the knee. This version was developed in the town of Ollerton, Nottinghamshire.
  • During the Derbyshire World Championships a new game and point system was developed named "Wankers Chance" by Rory Jackson. The idea of Wankers Chance was developed in a friendly atmosphere and so it gave the person in goal an extra chance to save them selves from some frightfully painful bumslaps.

[edit] 1T 1B

Another similar to heads and volleys is 1 touch 1 bounce, also known as '1T 1B'. The objective of the game is to put your opponents under pressure, using any parts of the body (except the hand) to knock the ball round a cirle with only one or no bounces between each touch. If a player lets the ball bounce twice, or plays a pass which an opponent cannot reach, they will receive a letter. The first person to receive three letters, consequently spelling 'BUM' will have to endure the harsh nature of 'Bumslaps'. This is simply where the other players can hoof the ball as hard as they like at the persons bum, but, if they miss they have to join on. This game was founded by members of Hitchin Boys School. As we all know, these boys are well renowned for their enjoyment of anything bum related - especially bum fun.

The game became so popular, that it has occupied lunchtimes, breaks, and even lessons. Traditionally the game is started by the contestants bellowing '1 T 1 B'.

Due to popularity, the players have been designated names to suit their style of play. Mitesh "The Perfectionist" Shah, due to his accurate and neat touch. Azhar "The Catalyst" Mullings speeds up the rate of 1 t 1 b without getting tired. Jonny "The Punisher" Gray after he infamously knocked over Anwar with a brutal 'bumslap' that to this day is still known as the most powerful of all 'bumslaps'

[edit] Big Gay Bear

Normally there is someone that all players dislke. This will lead to that player being "got in goal" by all others, with the intent of giving them "Bumslaps" after scoring 5 goals against them. These goals can be scored fairly, or if this is taking too long, awarded by majority vote for infringements such as a "kick away" (when the keeper kicks the ball too far, this is decided by general agreement, with the biggest players allowed to kick it the furthest). Other infringements include kicking the ball at (not to) someone, pushing, leaning on the goal, putting people off and of course "being a twat". After this unpopular player has conceded 5 goals, he must turn around and stay absolutely still while players pelt the ball at him fron the penalty spot. if he moves, the player giving the "bummie" gets another go. Surprisingly, after receiving this brutal treatment, the player continues to play and annoy everyone else. Notably the most famous 'Big Gay Bear' is Ben Sandall of Derby, who resides in Markeaton Park. After one hundred and six different games of "Wankers Chance" or "Heads and Volleys" he has kicked the ball more than 6 kilometres, he has had many bumslaps.

[edit] Special Rules

[[Wankers Chance]]

As well as the normal game and rules, they're are special rules and tricks which are believed to originate in Allestree at the Portway School by one of the legends of Arse Whack, Rory Jackson. During the Derbyshire World Championships a new game and point system was developed named "Wankers Chance" by Rory Jackson. The idea of Wankers Chance was developed in a friendly atmosphere and so it gave the person in goal an extra chance to save themselves from some frightfully painful bumslaps. The Wankers Chance rule occurs, when the current goal keeper conceedes the amount of goals needed for him to turn around and stay absolutely still while players pelt the ball at him from the penalty spot. The Wankers Chance is the chance to enable yourself one more chance to save the ball and put a team mate in goal ready for bumslaps. You are only allowed one Wankers Chance in the entire game and if used you will have no more on that particular day of the game. Every person on the field on play is given one Wankers Chance and can use this whenver they wish.

Throwing Rule

If a goalkeeper with the ball in his hands, manages to throw the ball at another play and catch the ball again after it has hit the other player (and before it has touched the floor), this allows the current goalkeeper to resign as goalkeeper and act as a Header or a Vollyer. This is similar to an "off the heezay" in basketball.

[edit] Legends

Miles Stanley - Enjoys getting bumslapped too much and was banned in 1958

Rory Jackson - The creator of the modern game, sadly passed away in May 2008 from too many bumslaps.

Ben Sandall (A.K.A Big Gay Bear) - his ability to kick the ball annoyingly away from everybody else was key in his success at the county championships. (see above in 'Big Gay Bear' for further references)

Mitesh "The Perfectionist" Shah - due to his accurate and neat touch.

Azhar "The Catalyst" Mullings - speeds up the rate of 1 t 1 b without getting tired.

Jonny "The Punisher" Gray - after he infamously knocked over Anwar with a brutal 'bumslap' that to this day is still known as the most powerful of all 'bumslaps'

John Holding - the best the world has seen to this day. His style and technique shown has been accounted for in the Guiness World Record books three times and is commonly known as the 'Jonzo'.