Gnommish
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Gnommish is the "fairy language" used in the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer. It is not actually a language at all, but the English language encoded into a letter-substitution cipher where each symbol represents a letter. Lines of translatable Gnommish run along the bottoms of books one, four and five. However, in book one of the series, it is mentioned that one of the symbols was comparable to the Egyptian Anubis symbol. It is also mentioned that Gnommish is a mix of symbolic and alphabetic letters, running in spirals (but since reading in spirals gives most fairies migraines, most modern fairy script is arranged in horizontal lines). The image to the right translates to "I am the Devil, and I am here to do the Devil's work."
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[edit] Book One Translation
The coded message on the front of Book One reads:
Carry me always, carry me well. I am thy teacher of herb and spell.
This also happens to be the first lines of The Book of the People, a book containing the fairies' secrets.
The coded message along the bottom of Book One reads:
The Prophecies of Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to Frond, elven king. I am Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to the king. But I am much more than that, for I see the future written in the phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarves. But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two moons ago when I was gazing deep into His Majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen. Because of its importance I decided to write it down for posterity. And so I can say I told you so. I saw an age when the People have been driven underground by the Mud Men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A Mud Man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale and he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake, for he seems a mere youth. Surely no Mud Boy could outwit the People. But now I see that the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles. This Fowl shall hold the People to ransom for their most precious possession -- gold. And in spite of all our magic there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say. But there was more to see. There is another story to come. Someone will bring the people and Mud Men together. The worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of the earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor it is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the People have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him. And for the first time there will be Mud Men below ground. I have one clue to his identity: a riddle.
- Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall.
- A villainous elf[1] is behind it all.
- To find the one who so disappoints,
- Look ye to where the finger points.
- Instead of one face, this elf has two.
- Both speak false and none speak true.
- While publicly he lends a helping hand,
- His true aim is to seize command.
I know, it's not very plain, is it? I don’t understand either. But perhaps in the future all will become clear. Look for a power-hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale. And so this is Ohm's legacy. A warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here endeth the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions I shall repeat the prophecies once more. If you have just begun to understand the text, then read on. If you have worked out the entire message then congratulations. Now go and save the world.
The text repeats but is not completed again as the pages run out.
This refers to "the Arctic Incident" when both Briar Cudgeon and Opal Koboi work together to bring down Haven through goblins. "Look where the finger points" is a reference to the first book, when Commander Root pointed his finger at Cudgeon, who was wrestling with Foaly, trying to kill him. Root had recently applied a special weapon to his finger that shot out a hypodermic dart when the knuckle was brushed. Cudgeon was allergic to the chemical on the dart and had his face scarred, hence two faces.
[edit] Book Four Translation
The coded message along the cover of the US version of Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception reads:
- Opal Koboi wants revenge
The coded message along the bottom of Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception reads:
- A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements
Trusted ally, if you have decoded this Gnommish message, then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this fact because it is the practice of the LEP to mindwipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the Fairy People, or our underground city, then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans. Of course, not all humans are greedy. You, deputy, are a noble member of your species. And clever, too. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded they you were suitable for LEP membership. At the moment, you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer, you must complete four tasks.
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- Decode this message. Something you are well on your way to completing.
- Save the life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways: open a window to release a trapped fly, build a bird bath in your garden, release a mouse from a trap...
- Achieve a perfect score on a school test or homework assignment. In this job, you need to be smart as well as fit.
- Wash yourself every day for a week. This is a difficult assignment, especially for human boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground, often in cramped tunnels, you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf.
- Once you have completed these tasks, you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion:
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- Go to your back yard or nearest green area.
- Make sure you are not being watched.
- Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a six inch hole with a broom handle or short stick. When your hole is ready, tap out the letters “L” “E” “P” in morse code:
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- “L” tap, tap, wiggle, tap, “E”, wiggle, wiggle, tap “P” tap wiggle drill.
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- Do this at least a hundred times, and our underground sensors will pick up the vibration and send up an LEP officer with your uniform and orders.
- Good luck, deputy!
- Foaly'
The front cover of the American copy of Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception has three separate angled lines, each reading Opal wants revenge in the Gnommish text.
There is a different code in the British 2005 paperback, which talks about the special abilities of the Dwarves:
- There has never been a regulated scientific study of dwarfs' special abilities. What we know about them is based on folklore and hearsay. The most famous of these abilities is the dwarf tunnelling methods by which they eat dirt and air before expelling them out the other end. Though the actual force of this expulsion has never been measured, several witnesses have reported windows breaking more than twenty metres away. It is said that a master recyler can fine-tune his gas emissions so that instead of a widespread blast of flatulent he shoots out a concentrated coloumn of wind. Legend has it that one such master recyler, a certain Blurt Diggums, was so accurate with these coloumns that he could turn on a light switch from the other side of the room.
- Dwarfs themselves use casual terms to refer to the strength of their gas emissions. A 'Shirt Flapper' is a gentle emission that would barely inflate a child's balloon. A 'Pants Ripper' is a sturdier blast and would certainly blow a hole in even the sturdiest material. A 'Nought to Sixty' is a right whopper and could accelerate whoever dropped it to dangerous speeds. A 'Strap Yourself Down' is about as strong as it gets and could help a dwarf achieve flight. And finally, the legendary 'Dark Side of the Moon', or simply 'Dark Side'. If released on a mountain top, it could put a dwarf into orbit. There is no evidence that a Dark Side is anything more than a myth. All the same, if you see a dwarf on a mountain with a red face, take cover. You can't be too careful around dwarf wind.
The code is then repeated.
Inside the front cover of the British Hardback the rings of gnommish text read: DNA never lies.
[edit] Book Five Translations
The coded message on the front of "Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony"
The Front cover (English version) reads:
"Cracking the code. Very impressive. You are now eligible to hack into the Fowl Mainframe at artemisfowl.co.uk. Best of luck: you'll need it"
The Gnommish across the pages reads:
"The Demon Scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people, but I wouldn't rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence, trust the Scrolls at your peril. There are however a few basic tips for survival in a Demon tribe that might be helpful. If you were a human, say, and had never actually met a Demon, which is unlikely to say the least. If you were a human you wouldn't be able to read this in the first place. So, Demon survival tips. First, never stab a Demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a Demon with your sword; he will congratulate you for managing that, but only poor warriors lose their swords and get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises give it a miss. Second. Demons have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else's buttock unless they stab you with your own sword; that is considered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock slap and a right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock it simply means you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise. Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical Demons assure us that the sneeze comprises millions of tiny flying Demons that zoom around the earth; under they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans they hack into their scalps with tiny axes causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So when a demon sneezes immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny Demons can pass on the message to the human they land on."
This message repeats across the bottom of each page.
[edit] The Artemis Fowl Files Translation
On the cover of the U.S. edition, the words "top secret" are repeated.
There is a section containing three pages of Gnommish. The translation reads as follows:
When a fairy is trapped above ground without magic, it is best to avoid contact with humans. Hide in the shallows of a river, as humans, especially children, do not like to wash themselves. Drape yourself with the skin of a sheep or goat, as humans are often not clever to notice. If you are cornered by a human, slap the ground with the flat of your hand, as this will often frighten the Mud Men away. If this is unsuccessful, admit that you are a fairy, and humans, being cynical creatures will think that you are a friend in a costume, trying to make a fool of them. If all this fails, then ask the human if you could possibly borrow some money and the Mud Men will flee with great speed, and never seek you out again.
Also along the bottom of each page it repeats The Artemis Fowl Files.
At the back of the book, it says, "Don't miss the next exciting adventure: Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception".
[edit] D'Arvit
D'Arvit is a Gnommish curse word from the Artemis Fowl series. It is often used in the series to replace real profanity. In the books it is often used by Commander Root. It is also used by Captain Holly Short, Mulch Diggums and by other offending officers. There is also a species of venomous toad (a swear toad as it is called in the book) whose croaking sounds very much like D'Arvit.
[edit] External links
- A Gnommish font can be downloaded at the Phlegm Pot
- A site that has successfully translated Gnommish
- Download and install the Gnommish, Centaurean and Eternity Code fonts here
- An example of the Gnommish alphabet
[edit] Notes
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