User:Gerard finnegan

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Gummy Joe Gerard Finnegan is a man of many words.. but few he can pronounce properly. .From birth Gerard was always known to be a child of extraordinary ability in the world of theft, legend has it that Gerard’s first item of stolen property was a “dirty book” of his fathers. Gerard realised this advantage over his father even at such a young age and to this day holds it against him(it is widely regarded as the reason why martin hasn’t sent Gerard back to school)

In gerards early school years he showed a lack of interest in matters of an educational property and instead was intersested in the shiny things that lay within the teachers handbag. This was the beginning of his terrible addiction to lucozade. From the moment Gerard could say lucozade (more speech didn’t arise until roughly age 16) he was purchasing mass quantitys in any business around rosses point. Although gerards body craved the sugary rush his teeth will forever curse the day this taste was discovered.

Master Finnegan grew into a spritely young man and around the age of 10 years old (when people stopped mistaking him for a potatoe that mumbled occasionally) he began to form the shape of the gentleman he would become. Rumour has it around this time he found a tattered golf club in a rival travellers caravan, it was here that gerards love of golf emerged. He used his club (big bertha) night and day, by day to level par with men twice his age and size, and by night to threaten staff in the four lanterns restaurant in return for chicken sandwiches with just ketchup.

Our subjects transition into secondary school was truly his coming of age as he first discovered one of his favorite pastimes: “dossing” . although as time moved on this quickly became “dossing havin’ a fag”. Although he could not afford cigarettes his determination in the eye of defeat saw him through, Gerard would liberate many cigarettes and cigars from his fathers taxi while always being careful to steal enough small coins to buy matches so his father wouldn’t notice.

Here our tale takes a gruesome turn. gerards addiction to lucozade over the years had slowly turned him a dull orange colour, which was distressing to both his parents and his friends (as they werent definatly sure when Gerard had or hadn’t showered). Doctors told Gerard to cut down and he did for a while…..

The addiction to cigarettes grew from this point and with no desire to stop he was forced to find his first job: stacking bottles into crates in the yeats country hotel. Although this job was much too complex for him to handle as coke bottles do not go into Heineken crates (this was a subject of much sadness for Gerard as it reminded him of a time when he was young and had immense trouble with the fisher price toy of shaped blocks) sources that Gerard was fired from this job for stealing lucozade… and shiny things

While receiving his fantastic junior cert results Gerard decided it was time to take a brake from his hectic schedule and apply for transition year in summerhill college. After two weeks this proved too much of a task for Gerard as he found attendance was mandatory. From here what can only be described as his quest for the leaving cert began. Gerards jouney towards the penultimate leaving cert goal drew quickly to a close, as he found school boring and unchallenging (as most shiny things had already been stolen) from here he immediately began the long and arduous breaking of his voice (as video evidence still documents).

With his newfound manhood so too came an interest (albeit lack of understanding) in cars because everybody else liked them. Much like his jobs there are far too many cars that he has owned to name, although most were bought in top condition but mysteriously ceased to operate due to: dirty petrol, bad handbrakes, stupidity in basic driving conditions, stupidity in basic drunk driving conditions, dislike of rdio, dislike of tunes on radio, gradual erosion of drivers seats and lack of general maintanance.

This spell in bad driving conditions prompted Gerard to talk about many upcoming yet obviously fictional jobs, which included: Plumber, Electrition (failed to turn up for work), Block layer, Building small walls in council estates in essex, Carpentry (lasted 1 month), Job in heatmercants, Job in castledargin, Going to spain to drive golf carts for a living, Dish wash in hotel (quit as it was too busy), Golf scholarship to America, Course ranger, Job in mcguirks golf shop, Green keeper (2 weeks), Petrol attendant (12 weeks), Dishwash in austies (1week),

As of late gerard has found a new found taste for alcahol, but not one that can replace his fixation with his one true love lucozade. Recently his addiction has led to the rotting of his teeth and large holes in his dentures which Gerard himself only sees as an excuse to get shiny metal in his mouth (it is unclear wheter he will steal this shiny thing) recebtly he has been divulging his “dentists advice” to drink yazoo in the case of a toothache.

Gerards latest vice is envy, he can be seen there at any time anybody else is in there smoking a fag in the smoking area with gigantic black holes all over his mouth, this has prompted the recent nickname: gummy joe. Gerards previous nicknames include: Sponge, Goo goo gaa gaa, Twowsers, Drifter, Onion (he smeels so bad hed make you cry), Pikey, Elton john, Sean Kingston, Fred daly, Big g, The notorious golf ball thief, The dust man (he blends in with the common paricle of dust), Get outa me garage, The shank, The scrub, Diabetesh, The scarlet Finnegan, the Scruff, the Smell, tinker, land grabber, “next of kin”, the secret knock (when the shop is closed only gerry knows the secret knock on the door to enable a 20 box of benson to be produced, mysteriously without any payment), cartman, cook me an egg, cheetah thong and tool belt, chicken sandwich with only ketchup, master of the obvious, king of comebacks, fibber the dolphin, mr. Potatoe head, the torn willy, corsa,

the list is endless and its getting late, I believe it might be time for this writer to sign off for the night.

But always remember the legend that is, was and always will be, a living part of rosses point.