Evil Alien Conquerors
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Evil Alien Conquerors is a movie directed by Chris Matheson in 2002, and is a blend of science-fiction and comedy. The budget for this film was US$500,000.
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[edit] Plot
Two aliens are sent to Earth with the job of decapitating all of Earth's people in a matter of days. The two aliens go by the names My-ik (Diedrich Bader), and Du-ug (Chris Parnell). They are sent on this 'holy mission' by the fanatical leader of Kabijj, and incited onwards by the dread thought of failure: death by Croker, a giant of their people, known for being a fearsome warrior.
The two friends encounter immediate difficulty as upon their teleportation to Earth, their swords shrink into tiny blades, roughly equivalent to a metal toothpick. As they scratch their heads and ham it up they meet their first Earthling, Kenny, played by Michael Weston. Kenny acts as their guide to Earth, and is quite affectionate to the confused pair. His first impression though is one of awe as he watches them drop from the sky as they make their debut on his planet.
The two aliens continue undaunted against many hardships, including a daunting scene in which a lone cow defeats both of them, even armed as they are with a chainsaw and machete. As they come to Earth though, one cannot say they do not adjust very abruptly. Almost immediately Du-ug becomes addicted to Smirnoff Ice, and it is not long at all before he is seduced by a rather revolting woman of forty or so, as they clean her yard to gain some extra money to fuel their purge of the human race.
As they visit a laundromat the friends have their hearts swept away as they are confronted by the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They have all the desirable traits of women: unibrows and hairy feet. The relationship is kicked off fairly smoothly, until very drunk and self-piteous My-ik and Du-ug lose total control as they realize Croker is soon to be sent after them.
As time drains our heroes realize that they must begin on their goal. First they think small, starting with a chainsaw and a machete purchased form the local hardware store, then they really get thinking. One idea includes implanting metal in all human heads and unleashing a gigantic magnet that would rip the heads right off, this idea is shot down immediately as they realize that implanting metal in all human heads would probably be more difficult than just chopping the heads off. Probably their most brilliant idea, and disappointingly enough, this fails as well, comes last. They start with a tandem bicycle, and with some quite ingenious thinking devise the ultimate human destroying machine. They give it flight, with massive wings, and to make sure they grab their targets attention they 'give them what they want.' Nudies, or naked people. So naturally they unzip their dashingly color coordinated jumpsuits and come out dressed only in diaper like undergarments. Then so as to make the humans stand for their deaths they pull out a rather comic idea, playing the Star-Spangled Banner on an old tape deck. Unfortunately as all this is sent into action their plans are foiled by three preteens and a well-aimed slingshot projectile. As a matter in fact the only successful weapon Du-ug and My-ik have is the ability to screech simotaneously, though of different notes. This is done in a fashion like playing an E and an E flat at the same time, so naturally it makes the skin crawl.
[edit] Factions
In this movie there are obviously the good guys and the bad guys. But since there are two planets there is also added depth to the story, as the bad guys from Earth and Kabijj do not necessarily get along.
[edit] Antagonists
There are two main baddies in this story, one from planet Earth, the other from Kabijj. The Great and Terrible Croker is played by Tyler Labine, a famaliar Dave Grove to anyone who watches ABC's new series, Invasion. According to the plot Croker is a giant roughly 100 feet tall, who is all but invincible. However, as evidenced by the size of My-ik's and Du-ug's swords, when sent through the teleporter some objects have a tendency to shrink. When Croker appears at the climax of the story he loses his immense height and is comically one of the shortest of the cast. Nevertheless he is not afraid to rub his bare face against lit grills to show that he eats everything.
Second bad-boy is played by Elden Henson, who was in the 2005 hit movie Lords of Dogtown. His character is apparentally quite the ladies man, and his goal in life is to get threesomes(however, throughout the movie no women are seen going into or out his room), which he claims to frequently achieve. He also states that he can bench 220 pounds. Unsurprisingly, this conceited blowhart takes an immediate disliking to our alien friends and makes Earth life difficult for them, even going so far as to steal their women.
[edit] Protagonists
There are three main good guys, My-ik, Du-ug, and Kenny. Kenny is quite neutral throughout the movie, being strangely enthusiastic about helping out the "Conquerors". My-ik and Du-ug are the aliens on a quest to end the human race, but even they have a soft spot and go so far as to allow Kenny's death to be swift and painless.
My-ik and Du-ug are complete morons when it comes to Earth life. They frown upon many things that you must at least cope with to be socially accepted. On the other hand, their morals are similar to many Orthodox religions. They fear laying their eyes on nudies (those who are naked) or becoming naked themselves.
