User:Dirtycurtie

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Curtis Lee Manual Schmidt is a resident of the Transcona area of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and is a graduate of the world-renouned Transcona Collegiate Institute (TCI), though verified documentation of his having actually attended any courses has been mysteriously misplaced.

He is not as well known as his close friends Adam Oystreck or Jeff Debaets due to his tenous grasp on the English language and crippling fear of humidity. On those rare occasions in which he appears in public, it is not atypical for him to attempt to communicate via grunts and hand gestures--many of which have caused him to be briefly jailed on more than one occasion. His fear of leaving his near environs has also caused him to retreat from everyday activities, such as AA meetings and haircuts. This lack of personal grooming is widely credited for his more well-known moniker, "Dirty Curtie", however, this assumption is mistaken. Though he has indeed become much "dirtier" in recent months, the name originates with a sensationalized controversy that saturated the Canadian media in the final months of the 20th century.

Despite the widespread media coverage of the scandal, the "Dirty Curtie" controversy has been largely forgotten by the public at large, and the specifics of its origin remain the subject of heated debate. However, a recently released RCMP report has shed new light on several details, which have since been pieced together.

On the night of September 19th, 1999, Curtis Schmidt was dining at a local McDonald's restaurant with life partner Mike McPherson. Though only 16 at the time, Curtis ordered 5 cups of coffee, 2 chocolate shakes, 2 boxes of cookies, and a baker's dozen of the since-discontinued "Jolt Cola 'N' Meth McFlurry". After a series of verbal assaults on the restaurant's staff and screaming--at no one in particular--"Are you threatening me?!?!", Curtis collapsed forward onto the table, spilling the remainder of his 5th cup of coffee on himself, causing severe burns to his nipples. Because he did not seek immediate medical treatment, his nipples had to be amputated. Many have suggested his lack of nipples is a primary reason for his social disorder, he is in fact very proud of the homemade prosthetics he sports in their place, and shows them off frequently to friends, neighbours and violinists.

After collapsing, Curtis was carried to his bicycle by McPherson, who bound Curtis to his bike, which he then bound to his own bike and pedalled away, dragging Curtis behind him. At some point between leaving McDonald's and Mike noticing his disappearance roughly 2km later, Curtis reawakened and freed himself from the sparking wreckage of his bike. He was discovered the next morning shivering in a ditch in East St. Paul, totally naked and covered in horse manure, which traces of human flesh and hair lodged under his fingernails, between his teeth and in his stool (which was discovered nearby in the middle of the road). During those unaccounted-for hours, 17 local prostitutes and a whorishly-attired female accountant mysteriously disappeared--their bodies never to be found.

Curtis was taken to an East St. Paul police station and held for questioning. However, his inability to account for the time was offset by glaring inconsistencies in the testimony of the only witness, and he was released 2 days later due to lack of evidence. Curtis was never charged with any crime and the case remains unsolved to this day. Clouds of suspicion follow Curtis wherever he goes, hence his aversion to appearing outside his house and his recent attempts to dramatically alter his physical appearance.

Today, Curtis Schmidt performs grunt labour for a contruction company and lives a pointless life. He is personally unpleasant.