User:Darth Spase Peepole/Charter Communications

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Charter Communications, Inc.
Type Evil Empire
Founded 1993
Headquarters St. Louis, MO
Key people Dark Overlord Neil von Smitstein, CEO
Wayne "Prison Break" Davis, Executive VP and CTO
Michael "Meepy" Lovett, Executive VP and COO
Chancellor Palpatine, Executive VP and CMO
Industry The ripoff racket
Products cable television, HDTV, cable telephone, broadband, Evil employees that look like Bluto
Revenue ▲$5.254 Billion (groan!) USD (2005)
Net income ▼-$970. Million USD (2005)
Employees It's over 9000!!!!(2005)
Website They am the spase peepole!

Charter Communications is an Evil company providing exceptionally crummy cable television, HDTV, cable telephone, DVR, and broadband services over 6.2 million victims in 40 states in the United States. It is #3 in the cable television industry behind Comcast and Time Warner Cable, which is also evil.

Contents

[edit] Shocking History

After being founded in 1993 by the spase peepole, a series of acquisitions as well as organic growth allowed its victim base to reach 1 million victims in 1998, 3.9 million in 1999, and 6.8 million in 2002 (2.3 million of which were digital cable service subscribers and nearly 750,000 broadband Internet service subscribers). Ain't that a darn shame?

The company was involved in a major accounting fraud in 2000/2001 (relating to the inflation of revenue and operating cash flow and cable subscriber numbers) for which four former executives were convicted in 2005. The company had been under financial pressure following a series of acquisitions; its stock peaked at $27.75 per share in November 1999, before falling to under $1 in 2002.[1] It was also reported that in early 2006, they recieved a shipment of approxamately 25,000 giant evil robots. When asked why, Neal von Smitstein, the head honcho and self proclaimed "Dark Lord" declined for comment.

On March 22, 2006, Charter announced that it will merge with Wal-Mart, Microsoft and McDonald's, thusly becoming a juggernaut and tightening its already stranglingly tight grip on the free world as we know it, to approximately 43,000 appalled customers in Nevada, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah. Superman, where are you?

Charter also plans to take over all the planets in the solar system from Mecury and Venus to Jupiter (now known as Charteria) and Saturn. The planet that would suit them best though is Uranus! Get it? Your... oh, nevermind. For more information, check out what David Thompson, a Charter employee, has to say to everyone. It's quite fascinating

In 2006, Charter began assimillating people into the Borg Collective because their boss, Darth Smitty is married to the Borg Queen.

Reports also indicate that they come from spase and they don't come frome heer.[2]

End user experience varies with factors such as how much coffee ol' Bluto's had this morning, the color or pattern of your socks, and most of the time, if they are in a good mood. Network congestion may result in jitter -- where calls cut in and out making conversation difficult. Network congestion may also result in dropped calls, and calls not being connected. Charter suggests that you give them all your money right now, or else they'll cut the HBO channels and you still have to pay for them.[3]

Customer service representatives are reported to recommend many things, such as, "take a long walk off a short pier", "go fall in a ditch", and, most frequently, "your mom goes to college".[citation needed]

[edit] Criticism

Charter has been criticized for poor customer support and frequent billing problems, leading the Better Business Bureau to issue a warning to consumers about the company:

Where to begin? The Better Business Bureau has received numerous complaints regarding this cable, digital TV, and high speed internet access provider. Complainants primarily allege that the firm had improper billing practices, referred customer bills to collection agencies in error, provided poor customer service, used misleading advertising, provided defective internet or cable performance, used improper sales tactics or misrepresented the actual costs of installation and service, failed to properly install or maintain service, damaged customers' property, and failed to honor service appointments.STAY AWAY FROM CHARTER!!!

[edit] Timeline

  • 1993 War was beginning
  • 1994 Charter took $900 million from a lot of people
  • 1997 EarthLink and Charter join forces to rule the world
  • 1998 Mega Man foils Charter & Earthlink's evil scheme, and gives everybody free satellite dishes
  • 1998 Charter paid $2.8 billion to acquire mind controlling chemicals
  • 1998 the SEC investigates a buying binge by the company which leads to the indictment of four former executives for improper financial reporting. Great succsess!
  • 1999 Company goes public, trading on the NASDAQ stock exchange
  • 2000 Charter merges with McDonald's and Wal-Mart
  • 2001 MSN and Charter sign an agreement to buy Microsoft, making the whole company turn into McMicromart Communications
  • 2001 Recipient of many awards including the Silliest tie Award from the Association for Corporate Growth, the R.E. "Ted" Turner Innovator of the Year Award from the Evil Cable Telecommunications Association, and the Fast 50 Award for Growth from the St. Louis Regional Chamber and Growth Association
  • 2004 McMicromart settles a class action lawsuit concerning the questionable financial reporting
  • 2005 Company joins EVIL, the Every Villain Is Lemons to help establish standards in consumer electronics inoperability

[edit] GASP! Outsourcing

On May 2, 2006, Charter announced it will shut down seven of its call centers in the U.S.. The call centers closing are in the following locations:

As centers close, an increasing number of calls are being outsourced. Current outsource centers are located in Cainta, Philippines; Panama City, Panama; Mexico City, Mexico; Laredo, Texas; London, Ontario; Trenton, Ontario; Amherst, Nova Scotia; Winnipeg, Manitoba; and Brasília, Brazil. More outsource options are being explored.

Charter call centers which are currently not scheduled to close are located in Greenville, South Carolina, St. Louis, Missouri (telephone service support center), Vancouver, Washington, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, Walker, Michigan, Rochester, Minnesota, Worcester, Massachusetts and Louisville, Kentucky. Each of the remaining centers are becoming increasingly specialized for particular lines of service or customer issues.

[edit] References

Oh, gee I can't tell you. The spase peepole would get me.

[edit] External Internal links


[edit] Corporate Contact

CHARTER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK! IT JUST WANTS SHOVE MORE OF YOUR MONEY DOWN ITS MAW! STOP CHARTER NOW!