User:Cmoyer

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Christopher Michael Moyer, commonly called Chris Moyer (born November 11, 1981) is an American everyman. He is best known for nothing in particular by the general public.

Contents

[edit] Family

[edit] The Early Years (1981-1995)

Chris was born on November 11, 1981 at St. Joseph's Medical Center in Reading, Pennsylvania, the second-born child and first-born son of Michael and Mary Moyer. Details of his early childhood are vague, but it is generally believed that Chris would often play with toys and speak in full sentences in a monotone voice to his parents and 11-month-older sister, Ellen. Famously, when Michael and Mary took away their children's pacifiers, called "moochies," Ellen was distraught, pleading, "I want my moochie!" Chris assured her, as their parents had assured them, "No! Trashman took it!" In 1985, at age 4, Chris was sent off to kindergarten at St. Catherine of Siena Regional School. He would attend St. Catherine's through eighth grade.

In his youth, Chris participated in many different sports, including baseball, basketball, and soccer. He was known around the neighborhood for providing play-by-play while practicing these sports in the front and backyards of the house. Chris was once selected to represent his Exeter Little League team in the league's annual All-Star Game. Another notable accomplishment from youth sports was when Chris's East Reading basketball team -- the "blue" team, named for the color of their uniforms -- improbably reached the championship game after a season in which the team won just one game: the one directly preceding the championship. Chris's Mount Penn Soccer Club teams, with their sleek orange and black uniforms, were also known for their frequent losses throughout the years.

Despite his athletic shortcomings, Chris always excelled in the classroom, frequently bringing home report cards boasting grades in the 90s, and putting classmates to shame. His favorite subjects were math and science. Throughout his stead at St. Catherine's, Chris's classmates rarely found him to be cool, despite what his parents may have thought. However, by the time he graduated eighth grade in 1995, his popularity was beginning to take a turn for the better.

[edit] High School (1995-1999)

Chris enrolled at Reading Central Catholic High School beginning in the fall of 1995. Chris again continued excelling in academics, taking a full slate of honors classes. Notably, during his freshman year, Chris and his sister Ellen shared a class -- Honors Geometry -- and a fierce competition was born. Chris was one of four freshmen to win a spot on the junior varsity basketball team in 1995. By the end of the season, he had earned the respect of the coaches -- but not all of the other players -- and was frequently used as the sixth man. However, during his sophomore campaign, Chris saw his playing time dwindle, despite what he believed to be significant advances in his abilities. During his stint on the JV basketball team, Chris's younger sister Sarah was dressed up as a cheerleader by their mother, and sat alongside sister Ellen during games, participating in sideline cheers. Many described Sarah's outfit as "cute" and "sooo cute." By his junior year, he was no longer interested in making the varsity team, and instead chose to pursue CYO basketball, which offered less pressure and more fun.

In 11th grade, Chris joined Central Catholic's first soccer team, which during the 1997 season was a JV team. He was named co-captain, due to his leadership abilities, loud mouth, and -- to a lesser extent -- his athletic ability. The team enjoyed modest success, with its proudest moment being the defeat of crosstown rival Holy Name High School. The following season, his senior year, when the team became a full varsity team, Chris's teammates again voted him co-captain, for many of the same reasons as before. Playing against more competitive competition, the team did not experience as much success as the prior season, but again defeated Holy Name to much hoopla under the lights at St. Lawrence Stadium. This victory almost made up for the 14-0 spanking the team received at the hands of Antietam High School.

Chris also participated in track and field for 3 years at Central, excelling in such events as the 400m, 800m, 4x400m, 4x800m, and 300m hurdles. He was robbed of a varsity letter during his freshman campaign due to a flawed points system, but managed to excel during the next 2 seasons. At the height of his career, Chris was given the opportunity to participate in the high jump during a meet at Wyomissing. After having run 3 races already that day, the event ended in utter disappointment and embarrassment as Chris failed to clear even the lowest height, validating the age-old adage that white men can't jump. The less said about it, the better.

During his junior year, Chris decided to showcase his amazing vocal talents by trying out for Central Catholic's production of the musical Fiddler on the Roof, citing "the chicks" as his main motivation. The play's director, Larry Fecho, has since admitting to making a huge mistake by only casting Chris as Villager #247, but, as Chris famously sung in a deep baritone in the show, "Who could be mistaken?" Realizing the error of his ways, Fecho and the show's musical director, Bryan Scollick, added Chris to the final musical number, "Anatevka," where he sung alongside the other major characters, leaving those in the audience wondering, "Why the hell is Villager #247 singing in the finale?"

Senior year's musical, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying, gave Chris a better opportunity to exhibit his talents, as he was cast as ne'er-do-well Bud Frump, one of the leading male roles. His performance as the scheming nephew of big businessman J.B. Biggley (played by Mike Foley) was received warmly by audiences, with many commenting on his perfect fit for the role. Chris himself attributed this to Method acting; for years he had immersed himself in being a nerd in preparation for the role. In fact, he so embodied Bud Frump that weeks after the show had ended, Pedro Ugarte was often heard saying, "Moyer, you can stop walking like that, the play is over!"

During high school, Chris was employed part-time by the Reading Phillies Baseball Club, flipping burgers on the deck in left field, and by Pepsi Co., stocking Pepsi products in grocery stores.

Chris graduated from Central Catholic in June of 1999, finishing 4th in his class. Many believe he tanked senior year to avoid having to give a hackneyed inspirational speech at graduation as valedictorian or salutatorian.

[edit] Villano Alliance

As senior year kicked off, Chris was ready to let loose a bit, going so far as to found a band with several friends, and, as such, after many long debates about band names in a bright green Plymouth Reliant, Villano Alliance was born. Initially, Mike "Pope Leroy XXIII" Foley provided lead vocals, with Chuck "T. Hyposquasher" Brantman on keyboards and guitar, and Matt "Dr. Bonesy" Bonnes on the drums. Chris reserved the best nickname of all for himself: "Captain Danger." He played bass guitar and supplied additional vocals, before taking over lead vocals in a coup.

The band's first concert, and crowning achievement, came during the First and Last Annual Battle of the Bands, organized by the members of Villano Alliance and some other band led by Matt "Sticky" Thren, "Please Don't Touch" Dan Pereira, and Greg "Ladykiller" McDevitt. The event was held in April of 1999 in Central Catholic's historic Hill Road gymnasium as a fundraiser for that year's Broadway musical, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying, which starred most of the members of the two bands. In front of a crowd of around 150, Villano Alliance rocked the party that rocks the body -- or at least they thought they did at the time. In retrospect, the band should have spent more time practicing music and less time deriving fictional backstories.

Later that year, Villano Alliance would play such events as Brennan McDevitt's graduation party (Foley's final performance with the band), Chris's own graduation party, Katie Carlino's graduation party (which many in the band believe to be their finest concert, featuring a rousing rendition of Roadhouse Blues with Mr. Carlino on the drums), and the [Insert Title Here] record release party in Matt Bonnes's backyard. The [Insert Title Here] record was recorded stealthily by the band, who chose not to invite lead singer Mike Foley to the proceedings, with Chris taking over the majority of lead vocals. In retrospect, it would not have mattered. The record failed to sell even 10 copies, and received not a single critical review. Had it been reviewed, the reviews would not be favorable.

[edit] College (1999-2003)

In the fall of 1999, Chris began attending Villanova University, majoring in Computer Engineering. Villanova was located a mere 45 minutes from home -- for one year, at least. During the summer between his freshman and sophomore years at Villanova, Chris's family packed up and moved to Littleton, Colorado. At first dismayed at the move, Chris grew to accept the distance, and enjoyed visiting Colorado; it was like a vacation every time he went home. During freshman year, Chris participated in the many pranks and overall stupidity that went on in his dorm. Saddled with a less-than-ideal roommate, Chris contemplated a transfer to Penn State University before deciding that Villanova was best for him after all. Chris spent the summer between freshman and sophomore years in Littleton, working as an intern at Charter Software Inc., a software company owned by his aunt Anne Salemo, and one that employs both his parents.

Sophomore year was overall uneventful, including the usual college antics of underage drinking and poor hygiene. During the summer between sophomore and junior year, Chris lived in State College, PA, rooming with Mike Foley. Their half-assed attempts to attain employment during the day were complemented by long nights of partying and video games. During this summer, Scooter Tuesdays were invented, prominently featuring a large cooler, alcohol, Mountain Dew, sugar, ice, and the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Junior year involved more of the same, however, a notable event in the spring of 2002 was when Chris met the girl who would become his wife, Kristen Hyland. At the time, she was dating a friend of his, but the two hit it off quite well and became friends of sorts during infrequent encounters the following summer. In the fall of 2002, as senior year kicked off, Chris and Kristen officially began dating. Their first date on September 13, 2002 was a party at friend Peter Shermeta's apartment, and they were immediately inseparable.

Chris graduated cum laude with a bachelor's degree in computer engineering from Villanova in May 2003. He achieved Dean's List status each semester during his time at Villanova.

[edit] Twentysomething (2003-present)

Upon graduating from college, Chris accepted a position as a software engineer at Atlanta-based supply chain software firm IntelliTrans, LLC. He was based in the Ardmore, PA office, and living in nearby Bryn Mawr, PA. A major accomplishment of his was leading a project to develop a web-based multi-modal tracking system, for tracking and tracing shipments on railcars and trucks.

In May 2004, a few weeks before Kristen was set to graduate from Villanova, Chris proposed marriage, and she graciously accepted, despite his sadly blunderous failed planning. Chris's original intent was to propose during a private hot air balloon flight, but the winds that day prevented the balloon from taking off. Thinking quickly on his feet, Chris instead took Kristen to Longwood Gardens, and proposed to her in front of the Italian Water Garden.

The next fall, Kristen began the pursuit of her lifelong dream of becoming a doctor at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and the two moved to Philadelphia together. In June 2005, seeking a better career opportunity, Chris took up a position with GlaxoSmithKline as a business analyst, where he remains today. Chris began pursuit of a Master of Science in Systems Engineering part-time in January 2006 at the University of Pennsylvania. He hopes to achieve the degree by December 2007.

After more than two long years of engagement, Chris and Kristen were married on June 24, 2006 in a ceremony at St. Alphonsus Church in Hopewell, New Jersey, followed by a reception at The Inn at Lambertville Station in Lambertville, NJ. They currently are happily residing in Center City Philadelphia.