User:Catherine de Burgh/Catherine de Burgh

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Lady Catherine Augusta Amelia Gladys de Burgh ptographed at the height of her beauty

Lady Catherine Augusta Amelia Gladys de Burgh, author, socialite and politician was born 1st January 1910 at Scrotum House, Grosvenor Square, London, the youngest daughter of Phimosis Bonkbuster, 14th Earl of Scrotum (1860 - 1930) and his wife the former Arabella Wyndham-Berkshire.

From the moment of Her Ladyship's birth London society has been astounded by her wit, charm and beauty. ^[1]. Winston Churchill once said during the course of World War II had Lady Catherine been born a man she would have been very different.^[2] From the time of her first marriage in 1928, Lady Catherine has changed the course of world history by her presence at momentous events in global politics. Her great literary works remain unpublished as Lady Catherine has always felt her work to be too intellectual for reading by the lower orders and tradespeople and those of that ilk. Her Ladyship also mistrusts publishers as a breed in general, following slanderous comments made by one when she did consider permitting him to publish her first great work "My Memories of the Scrotum Family".

Today, following the untimely death in 2006 of her eleventh husband at the age of 23, Her Ladyship lives in quiet retirement at her homes in Eaton Square, Dorset, Deeside and Cap Ferrat.

[edit] Early life

"Heaven lies about us in our infancy": Lady Catherine as a baby in 1910, with a sweetly inquiring expression.

A photograph from the noble nursery. Lady Catherine seated right with her sister "Flopsie" (later Her Grace Florence, Duchess of Derbyshire).

Lady Catherine's childhood was as idyllic as could only be possible to one so highly born and blessed with so many talents. She was the youngest in the nursery she shared with her sister "Flopsie" (Lady Florence Bonkbuster) and her brother "Arsie" (Archibald, Viscount Broadmoor).

It was a huge joy to Lady Catherine in 2007 to discover that her eldest sister "Vishy" (Lady Venetia Bonkbuster) was still alive. For years Lady Catherine had been informing people that Vishy was dead, in fact it seems this was an easy and very understandable mistake, as Lady Catherine had merely misplaced Lady Venetia's change of address card and forgotten to update her address book. It seems that all the time Lady Venetia had been living in a beautiful asylum in Margate. Lady Venetia the eldest of the Bonkbuster girls has a sad story, devoid of the beauty and charm bestowed upon her sister, she became a jealous, nasty, vicious, conniving and scheming individual, all very unattractive qualities which Lady Catherine was too innocent to understand. It was only when the slanders uttered by the spiteful vile creature became so unbearable that Lady Catherine was forced to have a word with her beloved Uncle Buffy - a high court judge and it was he, ignoring Lady Catherine's cries of protestation and pleas for mercy, who had the evil ugly creature confined indefinitely into a home for the insane. ^[3] Despite all the vitriol and undeserving hate given to poor Lady Catherine by her ugly and demented sister, Lady Catherine has never been known to utter a disloyal word against her sister. ^[4] - such is the inner beauty and tranquility of the highborn.

A sad sight: Lady Catherine's sister Lady Venetia Bonkbuster (to the left of the photograph) photographed during a well deserved but unhappy period in her life

A society beauty: Lady Catherine's mother - Arabella, Countess of Scrotum

However, a different view of the matter is presented in her mother Arabella, Countess of Scrotum's collector's item What the Baronet Saw (1927). Lady Catherine's life has always been somewhat tainted. Indeed, the term 'sibling rivalry' was coined by Dr Dick Diver, an eminent psychiatrist, after his close study of Lady Catherine in her childhood. From an early age she was in the shadow of her far more talented, beautiful and accomplished sister Lady Venetia, a shadow from which Catherine was never to emerge. This stunted her growth, both mentally, emotionally and indeed physically: her eyelids stopped growing at the age of six, with the unfortunate result that Lady Catherine is unable to close her eyes and has a rather unsettling 'staring' appearance. This has led to the oft-used soubriquet of 'Boggle-Eyes Burgh' amongst the under-stairs members of her (admittedly understaffed) household. However, in 2007 her sister Venetia graciously extended the hand of friendship to her poor sister who was struggling in such reduced circumstances, an event which lifted Lady Catherine from the slough of despond in which she had spent the previous sixty years. Venetia, ever a charming and generous personage, chose to ignore the vicious and vile babblings of her demented sibling, as documented in these very pages. Greater love hath no woman!^[5]

[edit] A debutante is presented

[edit] Marriages

[edit] Brigadier Sir Marmaduke Arbuthbott-Bumley-Smythe

Following some vile slurs by her step children Lady Catherine was forced to leave her husband's funeral earlier than she wished

Sir Marmaduke Arbuthbott-Bumley-Smythe (1850 - 1929) was a retired cavalry officer and 12th baronet when first espied by the youthful Lady Catherine Bonkbuster. Still known by her childhood name of Kitty, she was kittenish in every way and this captivated the 78 year old Brigadier. Marmaduke Arbuthbott-Bumley-Smythe (a member of a cadet branch of the famous Clan Arbuthnott ) was grossly overweight, bald and suffering from halitosis - members of London society could not understand what attracted the youthful and intelligent Lady Catherine to the aging billionaire (for they failed to understand her warmth, compassion and kind heart ^[6]). However, on the 1st June 1928 the bells of St. Margaret's Hanover Square rang out joyously as the 18 year old bride pushed her new husband's wheel-chair down the aisle of the church.

Sadly within just weeks of the wedding, London society returned to the same church to mourn Sir Marmaduke. Found at the foot of his imperial staircase his wheel-chair atop of him, his young and hysterical bride could only weep that he had seemingly slipped from her grasp. It was with a heavy heart that Lady Catherine learnt that she was now possessed of the Arbuthbott-Bumley-Smythe fortune.

However, before the poor baronet was cold rumours of a vile nature were circulated by his children concerning their step-mother. Claiming that the grief-stricken young widow had been more than comforted by her under-footman Sven Scandaborg. While it was true that Sven (known to the London underworld as "Sven the Swede") had been recently released from prison for attempted murder with robbery, Lady Catherine had complete confidence in him. So confident was she that she entrusted him with a large sum of money for him to quickly return to his native Sweden, so that he would not be saddened by the rumours maligning him. In this way Her Ladyship once again demonstrated her kindly and thoughtful nature. Oh, but how often the good have to suffer! Lady Catherine was to be no exception to this rule. So inconsolable was the beautiful widow that she had to be dragged screaming from her husband's funeral by his family and the police.

As the whispering campaign continued the unfortunate Lady Catherine found herself arrested and charged with the murder of her husband, and the dark shadow of the gallows looming above her. When Lady Catherine finally appeared at the Old Bailey she was surprised to find the judge was no less a personage than her father's old school friend Justice Sir Bufton Sleighthand, (her beloved Uncle Buffy). Sir Bufton was horrified to find that the girl he had dangled on his knees so many times, and so recently, was charged with such a heinous crime. Thus it was that the wise old judge directed the jury that it was inconceivable and impossible that a descendent of an Earl of Scrotum, and such a pretty one as that, could be capable of such a crime. Only one juror dissented, and he was given twelve years for impudence and contempt of court. Lady Catherine was immediately acquitted to loud cheering from the public gallery where sat the many tenants and retainers of the Earl of Scrotum.

So distressing had her ordeal been that she went straight to Coutts and withdrew the Arbuthbott-Bumley-Smythe billions, placing the cash into her handbag she proceeded to Sweden for a long and recuperating holiday, where by happy coincidence her faithful young retainer "Sven the Swede" was now resident. Thus a distressing and sad chapter in Her Ladyship's most interesting and exciting life drew to a close.

[edit] Baron Lars-Hendrik Abba af Waterloo

[edit] HSH Prince Alexander of Serbo-Croatia

[edit] Sundry husbands

A unique paparazzo shot of some Sicilian ex-husbands arriving together at Lady Catherine's lovely home in Eaton Square to pay their respects on the occasion of her eightieth birthday.

Lady Catherine has always maintained a dignified silence surrounding the exact number of husbands she took during a difficult period of her life when, forced to leave England, she was exiled in Sicily for ten years. When asked about this period of her life by Hello Magazine she replied with her usual candour and wit - "I would rather not comment."^[7] With these few simple words Her Ladyship demonstrated, yet again, her charm and wit.

[edit] Field Marshall Henry de Burgh

[edit] Men Her Ladyship may have known

Was this anonymous boy, Her Ladyship's only true love?

According to discreet hints in Her Ladyship's famous memoirs My life of joy and tears, she has led a fulfilling life on every possible level. Her friends among the titled, the artistic, and the exotic have contributed in no small measure to her fame and popularity. Pursuant to studies with a Bangladeshi master in Brick Lane, a valued friend who shall remain nameless here, she is one of the foremost English authorities on the Eastern arts and positions of love, as well as on the related terminology of the Bengali language. This is the explanation of the frequently noted fact^[8] that in moments of abandon, Her Ladyship employs only the rich amatory vocabulary of Bengali, never the crude terms which disgrace the English language (she wouldn't in any case, obviously!).

[edit] Politics

[edit] Misunderstood links with facism

[edit] The proposal from il duce

In the unique footage seen on the left, Il Duce can be seen arriving to propose to Her Ladyship, accompanied by some friends and watched by an interested crowd.

[edit] Literary works

Lady Catherine is a prolific and consummate author. Her memoir My life of joy and tears, one of the iconic autobiographies of our time, gives a unique view of her mind, body, and intimate relationships. For the fascination of her personality, this memoir may be the most deeply interesting of all her writings; while her 27 novels and her slim volume of nature poetry, The stuffed owl, bear witness to the originality of her imagination. The best-known of all her works is probably Tales of a strict housekeeper, published by the Obelisk Press in 1937. The able summing-up of her counsel in the trial that followed is famous in the annals of British justice.

[edit] The twilight years

Twilight? How dare you!

[edit] Her Ladyship today

A charming study of Her Ladyship today. More ravishing than ever!^[9]

[edit] Notes

1. ^ de Burgh pp 1 - 104; 106 - 212; 214 - 318
2. ^ de Burgh, p 265
3. ^ Sleighthand p 167
4. ^ de Burgh, p. 476.
5. ^ Bonkbuster, pp. 12–173.
6. ^ de Burgh, p 215
7. ^ Hello Magazine. February 1997
8. ^ News of the World, August 16, 2003.
9. ^ The Sun, August 29, 2007, p. 3.

[edit] References

• Bonkbuster, Lady Arabella. What the baronet saw. Exceedingly rare. Obelisk Press, 1927, Paris.

• de Burgh, Lady Catherine. My life of joy and tears. Privately published 1962. London.

• Sleighthand, Justice Sir Bufton. The Condemned cell - my memoirs 70 years a judge" 1953. London

• Sleighthand, Justice Sir Bufton. The long drop - the dangers of lenient sentencing" 1949. London