User:Cal 1234

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The User:Cal 1234 is a hypothetical object said to exist somewhere on the World Wide Web. Although still unproven as of today, scientists are confident that it really exists unless they are wrong.

Contents

[edit] History

As early as 1912, it has been predicted to exist by several noted scientists including Albert Einstein, Neils Bohr, Wilhelm Ackermann, Alan Turing, James Gosling and Max Planck. It had all started during the Bohr-Einstein debates when Einstein excused himself after a heated argument and was hear mumbling something about "being ahead of his time". He was last seen heading into his basement laboratory clutching his papers on this subject. He was next seen a few minutes later coming out of his laboratory bruised and bloodied. He then proceeded to tell everyone assembled there a fantastic if not unbelievable story about a race of underground people trying to eat him and in the ensuing narrow escape losing all of the vital documents.

[edit] Theory

According to Einstein's and Ackerman's paper (which Einstein lost), the proof of the existence of this object is in an obscure derivation of his theory of special relativity and some doodles Ackermann was working on at the time.

given the function f(x , y)

  • y+1 when x=0
  • f(x-1 , 1) when y=0
  • f(x-1 , f(x , y-1))

which most probably turns into this:

C = \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} x_i + \sum_{i=y}^{\infty} x_i + mC^{2}

where C exists when both x and y do not and E is nowhere to be found.

F(u,v) = \frac {\Delta (u) \Delta(v)}{4} \sum_{i=0}^{7} \sum_{j=0}^{7} \cos \frac{\left( 2i+1 \right) - u\pi}{16} - \cos \frac{\left( 2j+1 \right) - v\pi}{16} - f(i,j)

where

\Delta \left( \xi \right) = \left \{ \begin{matrix} \frac{1}{\sqrt{2}}, & \mbox{if }\xi \mbox{ is 0} \\ 1, & \mbox{otherwise} \end{matrix} \right.

Also, because of certain tolerances in these calculations (he lost the papers), along with the work of Planck and Dirac squeezed in somewhere, the final solution has been extrapolated to look something like this:

C = \operatorname{Ex}(C,n) = \langle C \psi | \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} n_i \psi \rangle + mC^{2}

Or even more likely (because we'll never know anyway):

C = \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} x_i^{2^{2^{nm}}} + \langle \sum_{i=1}^{\infty} C_i^{n + mC^{2}} \psi | \sum_{i=0}^{\infty} n_i \psi \rangle
\operatorname{O}(C) = \operatorname{O}(2^{n^{2^{m}}})

Therefore, it exists.

[edit] Effects

Although direct observations of this entity cannot be made due to the limitations of current internet technologies such as the inability to transmit matter and the fatal levels of current inside a CRT monitor, there have been instances where it has manifested itself as several recurring memes throughout modern history.

Rare photograph capturing the exact moment of the accident.
Rare photograph capturing the exact moment of the accident.

In 1902, while taking a break from a hard day's work of assembling the Wardenclyffe Tower, Nikola Tesla met an unfortunate accident. As he was sitting near the transmitting apparatus, a bolt of electricity struck him in the chest knocking him unconscious. Subsequent investigation found the cause of this incident was a cockroach that had crawled between two live wires causing a short circuit. This short circuit dumped about 100kV from the capacitor banks into the transformers causing a massive arc of electricity to form. When asked what it felt like, he briefly came to and said "ow" and fainted once more. This sparked the idea of the death ray using electricity as a weapon, which he then tried to sell to the various countries during World War Two. An interesting note was that, aside from almost killing Tesla, the incident also caused the tower to sprout four mechanical legs. It then uprooted itself from the hillside where it stood and headed towards nearby Manhattan, crushing and electrocuting everything in its path.

The Schwerer Gustav at a test range
The Schwerer Gustav at a test range

In Germany during 1939, at the early days of World War Two, designs were made for the 1500 ton P-1500 'Monster', a self propelled version of the Schwerer Gustav 800mm railway gun. This project was spearheaded by Alfried Krupp whose company was in the business of making cannons that no one can use because of their immense size. This highly unwieldy weapon was to be used to destroy targets over 45 kilometers away, without the limitation of only being able to move along railroad tracks. Although this weapon seemed quite formidable, its logistics problems alone would have rendered it useless. It would have been large and heavy enough to buckle roads, bridges and other structures unfortunate enough to be in its way. Its sheer bulk would have also made travel impossible due to the underpowered engines planned for it. This would have given it a top speed of little more than 20 miles per hour making it vulnerable to enemy land mines, airstrikes, even artillery. According to anecdotal evidence, houses have been known to be able to dodge these behemoths even when they are traveling at full speed.

During the closing months of the war, Germany was desperately producing a bewildering array of wonder weapons to try and avert an approaching defeat at the hands of the Allies. One of these was the Horten brother's Ho-229 flying wing jet fighter. Utilizing the inherent maneuverability of this design, their fighter would have been a fearsome foe to be reckoned with. Armed with no less that four MK-108 30mm cannons, a single direct hit could bring down any fighter ever used during this conflict. The only flaw in this design was the inherent instability of the aircraft, solved in modern flying wing aircraft by utilizing computerized flight correction systems.

As recently as 2000 there have been several eyewitness reports of coherent lines of english text spontaneously appearing in various places across the Internet, including the website of Wikipedia. These reports commonly indicate a coherent writing style indicative of a sapient intelligence behind it, still others say that it bears the trademark quirks of a markov chain based algorithm. Another characteristic is the fact that the text seems highly unpredictable and often sporadic, lending weight to the theory that it is some sort of probablistic machine posting words on to various target sites.

[edit] See also