User:Billiehawkins
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My name is Robert Billie Hawkins. I was born on December 27th, 1979 in West Bend, Wisconsin. At that time, my family was living in a small town called Menominee Falls.
I have been told countless stories of how much of a trouble maker I was, in that mischievous sort of way; I used to climb out of my crib when I was young and crawl to my sister's room where I would get in with her to sleep. As I got older, we ended up sharing a room, and we would argue all the time over the door. I needed it open, she required it closed. I used to take things apart regularly. I was a very curious child.
When I was three, I decided it would be fun to mimic my father, and shave. I cut just about every capillary in my face. I don't really remember it, but my mother says the doctors thought I would need re constructive surgery. I seemed to have turned out ok, facially.
Soon, I was incorporated into the family chores, where my sisters would attempt to bribe me into doing things for them. "I'll give you 50 cents if you wash and dry the dishes..." etc.
For the first six years, we all lived there, fairly happily. Then, for reasons unknown to me at the time, Dad just stopped coming to the dinner table. Soon enough, I realized that it wasn't that he wasn't hungry- he wasn't there at all. Turns out that he had been arrested for embezzlement. Oh joy.
Since mother never had to work in the family (she was a house wife), the family soon separated. My oldest sister moved out with her 2 year old daughter. The two younger sisters went to live with their biological father. All the brothers were from a previous marriage on my dad's side, so they went to live with Irene, their mother. From that point on, it was just me and mom.
We began a nine year stint of moving from place to place, town to town. We had basically turned into Cher and Wynona Ryder. Anytime something bad would happen, or a place would get old, or a job would be lost, we would move. In that time I saw three states and about ten schools.
When I turned 15, my mother and I were living in Fond Du Lac. She had begun drinking very heavily; some to forget, some to deal with the pain that her back was causing. It was at that point I felt that we needed to be apart. She needed to get her life in order, and I needed to get stable.
I moved in with my sister and stayed with her for about two years, as my mom went through her rocky recovery. In 1996, my dad actually popped back in the picture. I was working at George Webb with my sister, and we found his number. I met up with him again and we talked. I told him about mom and the moves and basic life stories. He apparently wanted to help.
He rescued mom from Fond Du Lac where she still lived, brought her to Milwaukee and they found a place together. It was soon after that that it was decided I move back in with mom and dad. For about a year, that worked. We all got along as a family.
At age 16, I told my parents I was gay. I went on a summer trip to my sister's house and left them a well thought out note, explaining how I felt. My mom cried, but seemed to get over it quickly. She told me once that she had figured that was the 'missing piece' in my life. My father's reaction was more subtle; he simply stopped asking when 'I was going to get a girlfriend.'
It was about that time that I met Joe and Bob. We met on a BBS and seemed to click really well. Bob and I eventually became really good friends. We talked for hours on end over the phone, eventually meeting at my work. We have been friends ever since.
Joe and I seemed to mesh well also. We both had very creative minds, and he dragged me into the gay life. Not that I didn't want to be there, but his way was to introduce me to Dave and Davee. Talk about reality check. I went from knowing no gay people to knowing 'the' gay people. They were more than just gay. They were elite. They had all the newest techno-gadgets, the best computers, the greatest music- if I could have moved in, I would have immediately. Actually, I became pretty much a permanent fixture in their studio apartment for a while.
One day while I was there, I met a boy named Keith. He was about 20, tall and fairly cute. He was there working on a mural. We talked a little and after a few hours, he offered me a ride home. I accepted.
We began to date, and it turned out to be a great learning experience. I realized that life could actually work pretty well. Looking back on it, it was a completely dysfunctional relationship and had I known then what I know now.. things would have been different; but I don't regret any of it.
Alas, I grew up. When I hit 18, I began working four jobs and was collecting money like mad. I ended up spending it all on Keith, but it was fun at the time. I was frequenting a local cafe called Walker's Point. There were hundreds of gay kids that came and went through that cafe, and I was friends with most of them. It was very fun.
It was at that cafe that I met the first real love of my life.
PART 2 - Meeting Donn.
It was a normal night at the cafe. As usual, I was there, chatting it up with the regulars, listening to the juke box that I spent half my earnings on. I had decided to invite a friend with me, (his name is not within my memory at this time). We arrived at the usual time, around 8. Being practically a self serve place, I grabbed coffee for myself and poured a soda for my friend. We sat at a booth next to the juke box, close the many of my other friends. I began rattling off introductions, trying to give him the feeling that everyone here was fairly friendly and that he could perhaps meet some people he would enjoy talking to.
You see, I had ulterior motive. My friend, while a very nice person, was semi-encompassed with me. He was attracted to me and I... was not. Not that he was a bad guy, or bad looking; he just wasn't what I was attracted to. I liked him enough as a friend, and so, being the person I am, attempted to 'broaden his horizons.' I wanted to show him that I wasn't the only fish in the sea and that he could very easily network if given the means.
So that's what I did. I introduced him to everyone there, including the lesbians and the straight people. The more, the merrier. It seemed to be working, to some extent. He started to have a common dialog with several of the patrons, some my friends, others just people I knew.
It was sometime within that hour that two strangers walked in the cafe. This was not unusual, per se; however these two were complete strangers. By that, I mean no one had ever seen them before. Not at the cafe, the bars, anywhere. Very odd. It peaked our curiosity.
They took a seat across the room, patiently waiting to be served a drink. They obviously didn't know how things worked. I began to watch them as I conversed and played cards with my group. After about 5 or so minutes, the server provided them drinks and I am not quite sure if they ordered food. They seemed to be just as curious about the place as I was about them.
It was at that time that Paco, one of our more flamboyant friends (read: I use the term 'friend' lightly in this case), decided to take the initiative. He walked over to the table and eyed each of the new customers. Up and down he looked; with one swoop, he was sitting next to one of them.
I noticed from the immediate change in posture from both, that they were not used to this type of socializing. I took a moment to look them over myself. The one facing away from me was the younger of the two- he looked to be about my age (18), maybe younger. He was seemingly timid, not speaking much. When he did speak, it was more impulsive; afterward he would look around as if to question his statement for validity or acceptance. He held himself in a manner that would suggest his confidence was not up to par. He attempted to fake it, and I could see how his quick wit and soft face kept him from being introverted too far. At that moment, I knew that he could handle himself, however he would have to adjust if he was to battle wits with Paco.
He had a look all his own. His manner of dress suggested a search for identity, but it worked well for him. Very typical of a person his age. He wore bracelets and rings and had clean cut hair. The pursed lips and 'diva' attitude he exuded spoke to his sexuality, regardless of the clothes he wore. It was obvious he was gay.
The other one was apparently older, but disguisingly so. He held himself as a man of maybe 35, very professional and aware of his posture. That, along with his exceedingly formal method of speaking was the only thing that revealed an age. The rest of him- his style, his hair, his smile- they all reflected a man of no more than 21. I thought a safe guess would be about 25.
He spoke in complete sentences, although to Paco, he never really said anything. By that, I mean he answered all of Paco's probing questions without actually answering them. Somehow, and quite skillfully, he avoided every question Paco shot out. It was clear that whoever he was, he wasn't going to tell Paco.
It wasn't that Paco didn't try. Trust me, he did. You could tell in the eyes of the older man that they were not amused by Paco's banter. Yet they didn't make him leave. At that point, Paco made the announcement that he had found his next husband. This was the first time I saw an expression come from the two strangers. They were feverishly embarrassed.
My sense of self could not let that go. I felt at that point it was my duty to rescue them. I stood up and joined the new found 'husbands', leaving my friend and my clique behind.
I immediately introduced myself and the usual formalities ensued. Paco began to rave about his new husband and how they would be off to Italy or some other exotic rendezvous within the hour and how he required a ring and a big wedding. I made several comments to his stature and the frequency of his divorce rate. The banter continued between Paco and I until he found boredom in the conversation, being somewhat discouraged that I invaded his territory. He announced his divorce to the newcomers and returned to his seat (after stealing a cigarette, of course).
With the absence of Paco, normal conversation began. Chad, the younger of the two, was living with a relative in the area and was just 'hanging' out with Donn, the older man who I currently sat next to. They had originally met when Chad was younger, as Donn used to drive school bus, and Chad was a student. They became friends by default when Chad was having some trouble with other students on the bus. They continued to explain about how they knew each other, telling me stories of a mysterious house on a hill in New Berlin. I still do not know the whole story on this house.
As they spoke about various things, I queried into Donn's life a bit more. His body language threw me for a loop. He was in no way odd, yet you could tell he was being very careful not to reveal too much of anything. Chad, on the other hand, had no problem talking about anything that came to mind. For instance, I asked what they did for a living, and Chad was the first to answer. He stated confidently that he was a "fashion consultant'. Donn revealed that Chad, in fact, worked at K-Mart. Donn's reply to employment was that of a 'sanitation engineer.' At first, I thought this to be a play on words, so I asked him to elaborate. He made some comments about keeping trash off the streets, and then managed to change the topic. How, I am still not sure.
The conversation turned to other topics, music, cars, apartments, etc. Donn excused himself to the restroom. It was then I was given vital information. Chad quickly and quietly conveyed that a 'sanitation engineer' was another way of saying 'cop'.
My thoughts raced. Everything from hell and high water flowed through my mind. I began to place the earlier observations, and it did make sense. I didn't have any reason to believe Chad, but it fit. I choose to run with that and see what I could dig up.
When Donn returned, we continued to talk. I was finding it surprisingly easy to talk to him. I also found it easy to see why they played off each other so well. For each short coming Donn picked on Chad for, he revealed, at least in part, a secret of Donn's. The dynamic they displayed as they conversed with me showed that these were people I could relate to.
An hour or so had passed and we were still talking. I had almost forgotten my friend. At the realization of this, I invited him over. It was soon discovered that Donn and I were here for similar reasons. We both wanted our friends to 'get their own friends'. I am not quite sure how we discussed this within the conversation without offending Chad and my friend, but it went unnoticed to them. I guess Donn and I both knew what we were referring to without actually saying anything. I was intrigued even more.
Our talks continued and it was mentioned that Donn had a puppy. Being the pet lover that I am, I inquired. Chad was all to ready for this moment. With pure disdain and sarcasm, he instructed of Donn, "Tell him where you got the dog."
Donn was not prepared for this at all.
His answer was that a friend of his, a police officer, rescued the dog from a drug house. With the continued banter from Chad, more secrets were revealed. I began to feel bad for Donn. My thoughts that he was an undercover spy or underage entrapper or some weird cop thing were all but eliminated. A cop would not have brought a boy like Chad with him if he were in any investigation. Chad was not able to hold anything in.
I took him off the hook, focusing on Chad. This seemed to please them both. Chad was able to talk about himself, and Donn didn't have to defend his secrets.
This conversation change allowed me to further examine the two. I watched Chad move with his words, almost like the wind caught in a tree. Every nuance of his statements had a counter move with his hands or body. It was almost poetic in a way.
I will admit, my main focus by this point in the evening was Donn. He was such a mystery. Cute and funny, yet so guarded and secretive. In a cafe like such as this, everyone is presumed gay. He had me questioning that. I was unsure at that point if 'he' even knew if he was gay; but once in a while, I would catch a mutual stare. Our eyes would meet, just for a moment, and it was in that moment that I fostered the thought of kissing him. I would never dream of doing so at this point. This was still safe ground for him, and I didn't want to scare him off.
So we continued to talk until NATE, that's my friend's name (memory returns!), announced that he needed to head home. I cringed and made it apparent that I was not happy. You see, I was his ride, and his car that I had to deliver him to was about 15 minutes away, freeway. He revealed that being late was not an option; so, like any good host, I proposed they join us for a quick jaunt to the west side.
After a slight proverbial arm twist, they agreed. We collected our belongings and plowed into my 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. I began my drive down Water St. to the freeway entrance on Plankinton, when Donn requested a detour. He needed to speak to his ex-roommate, whom he knew would be at a bar called The Glass Menagerie.
I'll admit, this was disappointing; he told us that he was going to grab a drink and possibly be going to jail if things don't go well. What do you say to that, really? I parked the car and let him out, telling him we would be back in 15 minutes or so.
We continued to Nate's car, and after promptly dropping him off, headed back to the bar. Chad and I talked as I drove, him steering the conversation towards himself while I pushed for more information on Donn. I was really beginning to like that guy.
Chad revealed that Donn was indeed a cop, and that he had a girlfriend. The guy he was going to see at the bar was named Bruce and they used to be roommates. Chad suggested that he was just going there because Donn had made a promise that he would join him for a drink. I was a little bit swayed by this information, but I could also see how this was more likely than the story I was given. It was a bit disheartening. I also conceived that this could also be Chad's way of trying to push me away from Donn. As I had mentioned before, the dynamic between Chad and Donn was very close; if looking from an external position and assuming age and sexuality didn't matter, I could see how people would presume them to be a couple. Inside, I believed this to be Chad's intent. Donn did too, seeing as how we both discovered that our friends needed new friends.
When we got back to the bar, Donn appeared and returned to the car. He did not smell of alcohol or anything, but he did seem a bit more relaxed. I wondered what he talked about and who this Bruce person was, but it was not the appropriate time to ask. Come to think of it, to this day, I never did ask.
We returned to the cafe to continue our chat. Like we were destined to talk to each other, our conversations flowed from topic to topic. After what seemed like minutes, it was midnight and Chad announced his need to depart.
It was now my turn. I accompanied Donn and Chad to the vehicle they drove in. A pine green Bravada. Very clean. Smelled like new. Armor-all on every surface. Neat freak?
Chad offered me the front seat, and I accepted, trying with difficulty not to show excitement. I was enthralled to be in the front seat. I had a difficult time keeping my eyes off Donn, and I think it was when Chad offered the seat that he knew his cause was lost. I had "won'. This is not to say that I was competing with him, however I think he knew at that point that Donn had no romantic interest in him, and that if I had the chance with him, he would allow it.
We dropped off Chad and returned, yet again, to the cafe. It began to fill quickly with the 'bar rush.' Neither Donn nor I was in the mood for more coffee, and it was also agreed that we did not want to deal with the amount of alcohol-ridden people that filled the room. With baited breath, I waited for the words.
When they didn't come, I pushed a bit. Donn made a comment about how he should probably get going, and I asked him what he was planning on doing. He told me that he was probably going to go home and watch some TV before bed. I mentioned something about how I wish the night didn't have to end because of some stupid drunks.
It was then he made the move.
'Well, if you want, you can hang out by my house for a bit. But we will have to be quiet, my roommate is sleeping.' (This is verbatim; it's been almost 6 years.)
I felt myself swallow hard. I wanted to, but out of nowhere I became nervous. I didn't really know this guy; I mean, he could have been the next Dahmer or something. I was, however, 18, and naive... and just a tad too curious for my own good. I agreed to follow him in my car to his house. That way, if anything, I could fake an illness or cell phone call or something and make my getaway.
For a police officer, he didn't follow the rules of the road well. I noticed that, while he was a good driver, he made several rolling stops and weird lane changes. I wouldn't have noticed at all, but it was simply the irony of a cop breaking the law. I found it rather amusing.
His house was actually the upper level of a duplex. The stairs creaked as we went up and the dog greeted us at the door. Before a word was spoken, he was tromping down the stairs to let his dog out.
He returned a moment later and directed me to the living room. I took a seat and he sat about an arm's length away on the same couch. I noticed that he had three magazines on his table. Two were Guns & Ammo type; the other was People. He turned on the TV and offered me a soda. Bringing back two Pepsi's, we started chatting again about various things. I took the opportunity to look around. He had a very simple living room. There was a couch about a mile long (literally), an entertainment center made with soft, light colored wood, several gaudy lamps, and a small alcove. Within the alcove was a plant, fake, and a wicker half-circle chair. The recliner in the corner showed it's wear, and probably the dog's favorite spot.
Donn noticed I was looking around and began to explain his apartment and furniture situation. I listened as he told me about the dog who would eat his coffee table corners and how the couch would never leave the apartment. He continued on, talking about his roommate, Ryan, and how his girlfriend was this and that. Every couple of minutes, he would get up for this or that, talking about items each time he sat. There was also a noticeable gap slowly disappearing between us each time he sat.
By this point I was determined to kiss him. He was just too cute and too easy to talk to. He had a charm that I can not describe in simple words. It is easy to see why anyone could like him. When the channel we were watching turned to infomercials, and several flips produced no result, we resolved to just have it on as background noise.
I am not quite sure who did what first, but when we did finally kiss, it was amazing. I could feel that he was extremely nervous, so much he was shaking. My mind began to wonder if it was because I was just 18. Then I got nervous.
We kissed a few more times, and my tensions relaxed. There was no way that he was bothered by my age. I had ruled that out. There was something though. I was feeling bold, so I suggested that I stay the night (or morning, as it were). He agreed, and we moved to his room. He closed the door partially, and I took off my shoes. He excused himself for a moment and I heard him close the door to the living room. I didn't think of it at the time, but it was a clue.
We continued to kiss and such, slowly ending up on the bed, making out. We did not have sex that night; if memory serves we didn't even get naked. We fell asleep together. The last thing I remember is him touching my hair. (Donn has since corrected me on the events of the night, but this is how I remember it.)
When I awoke, he was already up and talking on the phone. Without making any noise, I slowly put on the clothes that were removed and looked through the crack of the door. As I did that, the dog rushed in and said her hellos. Realizing that he now knew I was up, I opened the door and walked to the kitchen. He told me that his roommate had already left and that there was coffee made.
I told him that I really should get going, and that we should hang out again. Donn agreed, and we began to talk a little about the day and what was going on. He worked weird hours, and they were fairly opposite to mine. Another clue, I thought.
Taking that as a cue to mean 'one night stand' I started to feel uncomfortable. It was then that I asked him if I could have his number. I gave him mine, and he produced strike three. He couldn't remember his phone number!
I blinked slowly. He wanted this to be a one night stand, but I wasn't letting it. So, he gave me his pager number. He had to think about it for a minute before he wrote it, and I toyed with the idea that he was just trying to think of how not to give it to me.
I made my exit quickly; raced to my car, revved it up and zoomed to the freeway.
Later that night, I tried the number. Beep, Beep, Beep. I left a callback number and waited. After an hour, I gave up and went to the cafe. Moments after I walked in, my phone rang. It was an unlisted number. I answered and was pleasantly shocked to hear Donn's voice on the phone.
We chatted a little, basically enough to make plans to see each other again.
As it turned out, Donn was nervous because he was still in the midst of coming out of the closet. He had just told his parents that he was questioning his sexuality, he had a girlfriend, and his roommate had no idea he was sleeping with a guy. That, on top of the fact he had never really 'been' with a guy, especially a 18 year old! I added it to mean a one night stand; it actually added up to equal 'newbie central'.
We started to 'date' soon there after. At first, things were a bit awkward. Since he wasn't out of the closet completely, or even slightly, we pretty much just 'hung out.' Our first couple weeks were spent mainly at his house. He worked third shift, so when I would get out of work at 5 I would go to his house, we would have a dinner of some sort, and nap until 11. He would head off to work, and I would trail to the cafe and sit till 4 or 5. Rinse, repeat.
On occasion, we would go out, grab dinner at a real restaurant, maybe catch a movie or something.
About a month into it, I started to concern myself with where it was going. I liked dating him, but there were a few things that I wasn't quite comfortable with. In order for us to sleep together, he would have to make excuses why I was over. I had a car that was far from perfect, and there were times when we would say that the 'battery died' (which actually happened a few times); other times it was just a matter of setting up the couch in the living room for me to sleep on (which was just for appearance.) we really couldn't do anything affectionate; that would give it away to whomever was around.
Also, he was still holding on to his 'girlfriend.' Prior to meeting me, he was seeing a woman named Crystal. She was also a police officer. Granted, he hadn't seen her since he and I began seeing each other, but he hadn't really had the 'we shouldn't see each other' talk.
These few examples added up in my head to mean that he wasn't serious; I would like to have thought it more to be that he wasn't ready for a gay relationship, but I was rather selfish at the time. With the mind set I had at the time, I chalked it up to mean that it would end soon. I continued to pursue him, while trying to keep options open. I allowed myself to flirt and be flirted with.
In my heart I hoped it would work. I pushed for it to work. I did several things that, looking back, put him in a position that could have hurt him. Some things were directly to him, others were more about me. I delivered him flowers once, knowing that he would be home to intercept them. When his roommate got to them first, I regretted it. I knew that the possibility was there, but I was hoping that it would be alright. It created a really bad situation for him. He now had to explain why he received flowers when his roommate knew that he was no longer dating 'anyone'. I watched him as he took the vase and flowers from the stoop; I called him shortly after, and he came down. He was mad, but he was also appreciative. I went up with him shortly after a minor 'heated' conversation and we talked about it. It turned out ok, as his roommate pretty much knew anyway.
Part Three
We began to build a life together, and soon after we were dating, he bought a house. We made some commitments to each other, and began sharing a life. Soon, we integrated finances, combined the house in both our names, bought cars, etc. For all intensive purposes, we were a happily married couple.
About 3 years into the relationship, things began to break down. I was feeling suffocated; he felt i wasn't putting enough into the relationship. Our communication broke down completely.
After almost a year of breaking up and getting back together, we finally decided that it just simply was not going to work. I moved out for the last time, and we signed the house back to him. I don't know that either of us will ever stop loving each other, but I am pretty sure there is a belief that it was never meant to be.
With a new life started, a new apartment, a new single-ness - i was sort of lost. I fell into the dating game, going out every night, partying all the time. I made some good friends who stood by me and helped me out of some messes.
The next few years brings you to current. If you know me now, and you have read this far, then most of my life can be summed up. For those that don't know me, and want to - I never pass up a friend.
Most of the time, my life goes day to day. I have a God Son who's birthday is very close to mine, so we always celebrate it together. I have a really nice car now (shown on my website). I have a few GREAT freinds, even more good friends, and a very active social calendar. I've gone through a few phases; slutty phase, social scene phase, all-night partier, home body.
I've dated some very cool people, several not so cool people. It's all about perspective I guess. I enjoyed and learned from each relationship. One thing i have learned very quickly is no one compares to your first love. I used to think that was just hogwash, but when I first started dating again, everything was a comparison to my significant relationship. When I realized I can't have that back, things got a lot lighter. I was able to just 'date'; no expectations made attaching or, in each case, detaching, much easier.
At this point in life, I might almost be ready to find the one. I just want to have fun with things. keep it light and happy, and work on maybe getting some parts of life organized. We'll see how it goes.
Check out the Blog for more.
