Talk:Bega schoolgirl murders

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Assessment comments
Bega schoolgirl murders was a good article nominee, but did not meet the good article criteria at the time. There are suggestions below for improving the article. Once these are addressed, the article can be renominated. Editors may also seek a reassessment of the decision if they believe there was a mistake.

Reviewed version: November 18, 2007

[edit] GA Review

GA review (see here for criteria)
  1. It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose): b (MoS):
  2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
  3. It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects): b (focused):
  4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.
    Fair representation without bias:
  5. It is stable.
    No edit wars etc.:
  6. It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
    a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
  7. Overall:
    Pass/Fail:
Jappalang 03:32, 25 October 2007 (UTC)

Greater details for above:

Lead-in
  • The lead-in fails to mention the conclusion (sentencing) of the case.
  • Replace the first mention of "New South Wales" with Australian to highlight the country this case occurs in. This avoids the repetition of locale as well.
  • The sentences "while driving them to remote locations throughout rural New South Wales and Victoria [2]. Over a twelve hour period the girls had been driven several hundred kilometres from Bega, New South Wales, to Fiddler's Green Creek in Victoria, where they were stabbed to death by Beckett under the order of Camilleri." bear repetition. Please rework.
Abduction of Rosamari Gandarias
  • On first reading, this first section of the article seems in no way related to the case in question. Later sections make no mention of it. Try to bring up its relevance throughout the article.
Leslie Camilleri
  • Grammar issue. I believe "At the time of the murders Camilleri" with a comma like "At the time of the murders, Camilleri" is more appropriate. There are other instances in the article which should be fixed.
Lindsay Beckett
  • I believe it would be better to cite the court transcript after his confession, rather than just after describing his personality, unless there is a newspaper report on his confession and his leading to the bodies.
Abduction of Barry and Collins
  • Typo. "Collins father" -> "Collins' father"
  • Grammar. "and driven by Camilleri by was nearby with Beckett" -> "and driven by Camilleri, was nearby with Beckett"
  • Grammar. "partner and was talked to Beckett about his feelings of depression" -> "partner, and was talking to Beckett about his depression"
  • Grammar. "with the men the girls entered" -> "with the men, the girls entered"
  • Regarding "bottoming out", replace it with a term understandable to those with no automobile slang experience. I suggest the sentence be changed to "Camilleri became disturbed as the heavily laden car's bottom got scratched on the uneven gravel road and started to get angry at the girls" or such.
Assaults
  • Awkward sentence. I suggest "murder the girls to avoid detection for their crimes" be changed to "murder the girls to prevent their crimes from being exposed".
Murder of Lauren Barry
  • "tied near to the creek" -> "tied up near the creek"
  • "After a struggle, he became angry when his knee became wet." -> "He got angry when his left knee got wet in a struggle with her."
  • "in the neck, and also accidentally cutting his finger" -> "in the neck, accidentally cutting his finger at the same time"
  • "After the murders, Camilleri would was not present during the murders and was waiting in the car, ask ed Beckett "Did you see the demon?". The pair quickly left the crime scene with Beckett driving and returned to New South Wales." Very awkward sentences. What is the point of "seeing the demon" as well?
Citations
  • A lot of citations are lifted from the court transcripts (definitely the best and most reliable of sources). Is it possible to substitute with references from other reliable media sources, government records in regards for character background?
  • Citations should be placed at end of punctuations, not before, refer WP:CITE and WP:MOS.
  • Use a quotation template which can list out Beckett as the person quoted.
  • There is an over-use of long quotations from Beckett in the Double murder section.
Others
The terms "street kid", "Children's Court", "Evan's Hill" are missing or invalid links. Locate the correct link, or expound briefly here without linking where appropriate.
The term "defacto", what is it? I assume it is refering to his non-marriage partner. Replace with live-in partner, lover, or mistress?
There are a few overly detailed descriptions ( Camilleri sleeping on the way back and awakening, etc ). The article can still be summarized further.
Is there any impact on Australian law from this case regarding such crimes? What is the social impact on Bega?

Jappalang 03:49, 25 October 2007 (UTC)

I am however asking for a second opinion for this article, as this is my first reviewing of an article for GA-class. Jappalang 03:51, 25 October 2007 (UTC)

Jappalang, I agree with your assessment, although I would pass stability (number 5) and suitable captions (6B). I would also add an additional concern about the prevalence of quotes. Quotes should supplement prose, not replace it. Certain sections, particularly the "Murder of ..." sections, rely too heavily on quotes and should be expanded. Ɛƚƈơƅƅơƚɑ talk 01:33, 18 November 2007 (UTC)
As per both our opinions, I am failing this article's GA nomination. I suggest addressing the above before again nominating the article for GA. Jappalang (talk) 21:34, 18 November 2007 (UTC)