Bart Simpson's Guide to Life
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Bart Simpson's Guide to Life (UK Edition: ISBN 0-583-33168-8, US Edition ISBN 0-06-096975-X) is a humorous book published in 1993 by HarperCollins. The book was written by numerous authors, but Simpsons creator Matt Groening is only credited with helping it into print.
The entire name of the book is Bart Simpson's Guide to Life: A Wee Handbook for the Perplexed. The book's main purpose is to give supposedly helpful tips and advice on how to cope with life, as experienced by the fictional character Bart Simpson, from the animated television series The Simpsons.
[edit] Introduction
The book begins with a dedication to Snowball I
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- Dedicated to the memory of Snowball I:
- Whenever we hear a cat yowling at 3AM, whenever we slip on a slimy hairball, whenever we inhale the tart aroma of a neglected cat box, we think of you.
[edit] The Rest of The Book
The book is broken down into chapters for each of its subjects. The complete list of chapters includes:
- School
- Forgery!
- Show and Tell Ideas!
- Book Report writing!
- Cheating!
- Food
- Donuts!
- Food Facts!
- Table Manners!
- Mealtime fun!
- Health & Fitness
- The Human Body!
- Dr. Barts Miracle Cures!
- Bathtimes!
- Cooties!
- Beauty Secrets!
- Work & Money
- Things to be and not to be when you grow up!
- Work
- Fast Cash
- "How to negotiate allowance deals without getting spanked!"
- After Hours
- Bart and Lisa's dream bedrooms!
- How to stay up past your bedtime!
- Dream guide!
- Parents
- What parents think!
- Lies your parents tell you!
- How to annoy your parents!
- Art & Culture
- Museum Etiquette!
- How to be a Poetic Genius!
- 7 Wonders of the World!
- Science
- Barts Laws!
- Nameology!
- The Tree of Life!
- Last-minute Science Experiments!
- Language & Communcation
- Secret Languages!
- Actions!
- How to be a Transcontinental Trouble-maker!
- Animals
- 9 Types of Dog!
- The Ultimate Dream Pet!
- Animal Brain Twisters!
- Sex
- Grade School Romance!
- Top 10 Preconcieved Notions About Girls and Boys!
- Babies: Where do they come from!
- Psychology
- Body Language!
- Phobias!
- Dr. Martin Monroe explains "The 3 Types of Brains!"
- Law & Order
- Ways to get out of a fight!
- College of Litigation!
- Laws of the Lands!
- Xmas
- Is Santa Real?!
- The Ultimate Christmas Eve Trap!
- The 12 Days of Christmas!
- Sing-along!
- Last minute Christmas Gifts!
- Strange Facts
- "Weird mysteries of the universe that even I can't explain!"
- Homer Simpson's "Howcumzits?!"
- The Wonderful World of Monsters!
- Aliens: They Walk Among Us!
- Religion
- 7 Deadly Sins!
- Zesty Prayers!
- Annoying Questions to ask your Sunday School Teacher!
- Heaven Vs. Hell!
[edit] Other bits
- On the first page of the book, there is a message: 'To discover the meaning of life, turn to page 144'. When you go to this page, you are directed to another page, and you are then directed to another page. It goes on and on, and eventually ends up back at page 1. This may be a subtle joke explaining that there is no meaning of life, though this more likely is a how to keep an idiot busy joke.
- On page 1 of the book is the introduction where Bart greets us and tells about the journey of enlightenment we are about to start. At the bottom of the page there's a footnote threatening anybody who shoplifted this book. Many other such footnotes feature throughout the book.
- On the opposite page there is a disclaimer stating:
| “ | This book has been created solely for entertainment purposes. I, Bart Simpson, take full credit for all improvements in your life commencing as of your purchase of this book and continuing for a reasonable period of time thereafter or until hell freezes over, whichever is longer. I, Bart Simspon, accept no blame for any trouble you might get into because of same, including but not limited to: grounding, detention, expulsion from school, disfiguring hunting accidents, and the death penalty. You have been duly warned. Enjoy! | ” |
- The back of the book contains a parody of the nutritional found on cereal boxes. It states the book contains less than 2% of the minimum U.S. RDA of niacin and riboflavin, but 100% of the U.S. RDA of fiber.
- The back of the book also contains an ingredient list of the book, which includes paper, glue, and processed inks.
- On separate occasions in the book, Bart states that his middle initial, J, stands for "Jenius", "Junior Bonehead", "Just Can't get Enuf Books", "Jenuine", "Judas", "Jillionare", "Jet Set", "Je T'aime" (French for "I love/like you") and "Jestation". In reality, the "J" stands for "Jo-jo".
- One of the last pages in the book contains a list of other uses for the book, including using it to start a fire, using it as a drink coaster, and using it to flatten hamburger patties. Also, in another last page, Bart 'writes' so lng suckerz... and him asleep.
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