'Allo 'Allo! (series 5)

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This article contains episode listings for the fifth series of the British Sitcom series 'Allo 'Allo!.

The series contains twenty-six episodes which first aired between September 3, 1988 and February 25, 1989.

Series 5 is longer than any of the other series, and contains almost a third of the total number of episodes. The series was made with a view to airing the show in the US So episodes were shortened to 25 minutes to allow for commercial breaks; and twenty-six episodes were commissioned to tie in with the American tradition of having "seasons", rather than the typical British "series" of six to eight episodes. Due to these changes, two episodes were written by different writers; the director's role was shared between four people; and not all of the secondary characters appear in each of the series' episodes. Series 5 also sees the first appearances of the Communist Resistance girls Denise Laroque and Louise; and the last appearance of Jack Haig (who died in the time between the fifth and sixth series) as Monsieur Roger LeClerc.

Series No. Episode No. Episode Title Original UK Airdate
5.01 28 Desperate Doings in the Dungeon September 3, 1988
5.02 29 The Camera in the Potato September 10, 1988
5.03 30 Dinner with the General September 17, 1988
5.04 31 The Dreaded Circular Saw September 24, 1988
5.05 32 Otherwise Engaged October 1, 1988
5.06 33 A Marriage of Inconvenience October 8, 1988
5.07 34 No Hiding Place October 15, 1988
5.08 35 The Arrival of the Homing Duck October 22, 1988
5.09 36 Watch the Birdie October 29, 1988
5.10 37 René - Under an Assumed Nose November 5, 1988
5.11 38 The Confusion of the Generals November 12, 1988
5.12 39 Who's for the Vatican November 19, 1988
5.13 40 Ribbing the Bonk November 26, 1988
5.14 41 The Reluctant Millionaires December 3, 1988
5.15 42 A Duck for Launch December 10, 1988
5.16 43 The Exploding Bedpan December 17, 1988
5.17 44 Going Like a Bomb December 24, 1988
5.18 45 Money to Burn December 31, 1988
5.19 46 Puddings Can Go Off January 7, 1989
5.20 47 Land Mines for London January 14, 1989
5.21 48 Flight to Geneva January 21, 1989
5.22 49 Train of Events January 28, 1989
5.23 50 An Enigma Variation February 4, 1989
5.24 51 Wedding Bloss February 11, 1989
5.25 52 Down the Drain February 18, 1989
5.26 53 All in Disgeese February 25, 1989

[edit] Desperate Doings in the Dungeon

René is behind the bar of his café, when Gruber enters. He says he has problem sleeping, because the Italian captain Bertorelli sleeps in his quarters and he snores a lot. He therefore asks René for a spare room at the café. René says they all snore at the café and so, Gruber would not want to sleep there. However, Gruber meant for Bertorelli to stay there. René does not like the idea, but Edith, who has just come downstairs, does and so, it is settled that Gruber will pay 1,000 francs per night to let the Italian captain stay at the café.

Herr Flick is still imprisoned, clad only in women's undergarments and chained to the wall of the dungeon. Helga visits him and tells him that Von Smallhausen has a plan to get him out. She is also allowed to kiss him before she leaves.

Edith is singing at the café - to everybody's dismay. Finishing the song, her last note is so high it makes several glasses break. Then, Yvette tells René he is wanted in the backroom. When they are in there, it turns out she is the one who "wants" him, but they do not have time for very much cuddling, because very soon, Michelle turns up in the company of monsieur Alfonse, coming through the window. Michelle has important news for everyone and while Yvette calls for them, Alfonse reveals he has a meter, ticking away and charging money for the time he spends there. When everybody (René, Edith, Yvette and Mimi) have gathered around, Michelle reveals plans to photograph the chateau safe, so that monsieur LeClerc can identify how to open the it. He will then be brought there by the resistance to open it, so they can photograph its contents - the plans for the invasion of England. The photographs of the plans will then be transferred to microfilm and sent to London by carrier pigeon, supplied by the RAF. As they have no film for the camera (since all film has been confiscated by the Germans) they plan for Yvette to pose for the colonel, while Mimi steals the film from his camera.

Gruber is acting as colonel Von Strohm's temporary secretarey, when general Von Klinkerhoffen arrives. He tells them that Berlin is aware of herr Flick's disappearance and will therefore send a "bigshot" to investigate. In order to eliminate all traces of what they have done to him, they will destroy all papers concerning his arrest, whereupon the colonel and the lieutenant are to disguise themselves as members of the resistance, help him to escape and take him to a pre-arranged location. He will then be shot accidentally in a military ambush. As for how they will break into the dungeon, the general leaves it to them.

Captain Bertorelli arrives at the café, driving a car and having three women with him. Officer Crabtree complains that he is not allowed to park the car outside the café, but the captain does not care. Instead, he forces Crabtree at gunpoint to carry his bags inside. Mimi is then ordered to take them upstairs, which she does, after having kicked them and thrown them up the stairs. Crabtree says he wants his bicycle (the one being used as a dynamo for the radio) back. However, he cannot have it yet, since they must contact London right away, to ask for a carrier pigeon. René and Edith do not have time to do it, but Yvette is to use the radio, while monsieur LeClerc is to ride the dynamo bicycle. At first, he does not peddle fast enough, but when Fanny shows him her legs, he begins peddling away, outputting enough power for the radio. He even makes too much, so the radio explodes and dies.

Helga contacts René by the fountain in the square. She tells him that herr Flick is about to crack and may reveal them all. However, Von Smallhausen has a plan to get him out, but it requires René to disguise himself as Heinrich Himmler (herr Flick's godfather and leader of the Gestapo). After he has agreed to the plan, even though he is smaller, fatter, younger and balder than Himmler and does not speak German, LeClerc brings food for the British airmen, who are hiding in two nearby dustbins. That same evening, Helga, Edith, René (disguised as Himmler) and Von Smallhausen go to the chateau in a car. Meanwhile, the colonel and the lieutenant are preparing their own plan to get herr Flick out, by disguising themselves as members of the Gestapo (wearing big black leather overcoats, black hats and canes), so they can blame the Gestapo for resucing herr Flick before they could do it.

Once the "Himmler gang" have entered the chateau dungeons (easily getting past the guards), they unlock herr Flick's chains. He then takes Von Smallhausens gun and at gunpoint forces René to switch clothes and places with him. Meanwhile, the colonel and the lieutenant also easily get past the guards and enter the dungeons. There, they are informed that Himmler has just been there, but he did not take the prisoner with him. As they enter the dungeon, they become very surprised to find René chained to the wall, wearing women's undergarments. He begs them to get him out, but it turns out that Himmler has taken the keys to the wrist irons. René then tells them how he and the others freed herr Flick. The colonel and the lieutenant promise to help him get out, but as they cannot do this right now, they leave him there for the time being.

[edit] The Camera in the Potato

René is imprisoned in the dungeon, disguised as "Irma Von Kinkenrotten" in women's undergarments. Lieutenant Gruber comes in, still dressed as a Gestapo agent, to rescue him. Since herr Flick (with whom René has switched places), was captured as a woman, René must leave as a woman and Gruber has therefore brought him a woman uniform.

Herr Flick rewards Helga with a certificate ("the Gestapo certificate of special merit") for helping him to escape. After she has been allowed to show her gratitude by kissing him, he tells her of the plot to blow up Hitler, that he and Von Smallhausen have overheard. Since it appears general Von Klinkerhoffen, colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are in it, Helga is to report all conversation between these three to herr Flick.

At the café, monsieur Alfonse brings flowers for Edith. The next moment, Yvette tells them Michelle is in the backroom, wanting to see them - thus, they go in there. She tells them (Edith, Alfonse, Yvette and Mimi) that René is safe and that she has brought the spy camera sent by London. She asks about film for it, and is informed that Yvette will pose for the colonel in her underwear and Mimi will steal the film from his camera, while Yvette is so distracting him. The next moment, there is a knock on the window, and René is let in. Michelle then demonstrates the spy camera, which is disguised as a potato. The next time somebody at the chateau orders food, they will deliver it, find the safe and photograph it. Then, they will give the film to monsieur Alfonse, who has fluids to develop it with.

Later that same day, René and Mimi are having a quick cuddle in the café, and after Edith has walked in on them and she has received an explanation, officer Crabtree enters. He has brought a bag in which there is a cake. It turns out this cake contains the new batteries for the radio. Two of the candles are the terminals and he asks René to guess which is plus and which is minus. He guesses one right and grabs it, but as he guesses the other one wrong, Crabtree grabs the right one. As René then hands him a coffee spoon, they form a circuit and get electrocuted. When Edith tries to separate them, she also becomes part of the circuit, which is not broken until Mimi hits Crabtree on the head. Then, he can finally go to install the batteries and take back his bicycle, which they have been using as a dynamo.

In the evening, Gruber sings and plays the piano at the café, while Helga and Kurt enters, the colonel with his camera. However, they are not to dine together, since Helga has been ordered by general Von Klinkerhoffen to join him at the café. She is therefore given a table by the window, while the colonel sits down at another table. Awaiting Yvette, he lets Mimi take care of his camera (meaning she can steal the film in it). The next moment, herr Flick enters the café, somewhat grumpy, because Helga has stood him up. He arrests her to be "interrogated" and leaves with her. Meanwhile, the colonel's camera has been prepared, so Yvette takes him upstairs to be photographed. As the general arrives, the news of herr Flick's arresting of Helga makes him very cross. However, he is determined not to have his evening ruined and so, he orders wine and another girl to be his companion for the evening. Edith makes some attempts to flirt with him, but he is not impressed with her. He asks for a better looking girl, but René tells him she is busy upstairs. His only reply is "Nobody is too busy for a general" and he goes upstairs, looking for her. Soon, he barges in on the colonel taking pictures of Yvette, and orders him to go away, but to "leave the helmet and the goggles"!

Later in the evening, René, Mimi and Yvette are to deliver food parcels to the chateau, where René is to photograph the safe. Michelle instructs him on where they think the safe is and monsieur Alfonse brings them there in one of his hearses. Before they leave, monsieur LeClerc tells them all, that the RAF will bomb the German troops in Nouvion later in the night.

At the chateau, Mimi and Yvette go to the kitchen, while René looks for the room where the safe is. However, he happens to go into Gruber's room, just as he is having a bubble bath. At first, René does not see him, but as he accidentally makea noise, Gruber discovers him and becomes very glad at this unexpected surprise. He asks René to stay a while and, after having got out of his bath and put on a robe, spots the potato camera. Thinking it is a real potato, he suggests René roast it by the fire and sticks it on a roasting fork. René becomes somewhat desperate when Gruber wants to cut the potato in half, but he is suddenly interrupted by an air raid warning signal. He then hides in his wardrobe and asks René to join him. However, René locks him in it and as he tries to get out, the whole wardrobe moves. René then discovers the safe behind the wardrobe and grabs the camera to take a picture. Meanwhile, however, Gruber happens to move the wardrobe back in fron of the safe. René manages to get him out of the way, take a picture with the spy camera and then spin the wardrobe around, before leaving the room.

During the credits, the bomb shells from the RAF air raid can be seen exploding in the town square.

  • Note: Rose Hill (Fanny La Fan), John D. Collins (Fairfax) and Nicholas Frankau (Carstairs) are credited in the end credits, even though they do not appear in the episode.

[edit] Dinner with the General

While the RAF are bombing the town, René sneaks back through the town square to find cover. As he tries to signal to the bombers to stop dropping the bombs (by flashing his torch), officer Crabtree shows up and forbids him to do so.

General Von Klinkerhoffen and colonel Von Strohm are both hiding from the bombings; the general under his bed and the colonel under the table in his office. The general telephones the colonel and since neither of them wants to appear a coward, the colonel says he is standing on his balcony, directing the anti-aircraft fire, while the general says he is on the roof of the chateau with a machine gun. Unfortunately, captain Bertorelli comes into the colonel's room and asks him what he is doing under the table, which the general overhears on the phone.

During the air raid, the airmen watch it from a small attic window, cheering their fellow airmen as they continue bombing. Meanwhile, herr Flick tries to interrogate Helga, in the presence of Von Smallhausen. He complains that she does not answer his questions, but she says it is because she does not know the answers. Herr Flick then turns on a fan with light behind it. It revolves at the exact speed of the alpha rhythms of the brain, hypnotising anybody who looks at it and rendering the person unable to say anything but the truth. As he turns it on and asks "What is your real name?", Von Smallhausen answers truthfully "Bobby Cedric Von Smallhausen". He is sent away, but Helga informs herr Flick that the device has no effect on her. She is then released, on condition she continue to gather evidence of the plot by the general, the colonel and the lieutenant to blow up Hitler.

The next day, Edith delivers the film from the spy camera to monsieur Alfonse for him to develop it. When they are alone in his dark room, he once more tries to court her, but she says she has promised to marry René. Monsieur Alfonse then tells her of René's affair with Yvette. This makes her very cross and she says that, after confronting René, if he cannot give a satisfactory explanation, she will leave him for monsieur Alfonse.

Colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are sitting at an outdoor table in the café, when Helga arrives informing them of herr Flick's suspecting them of plotting to blow up Hitler. They deny it, but are not sure about the general; thus, they also want Helga to report the general's moves. While sitting there, monsieur Alfonse shows up with Edith riding in his hearse. When they have arrived at the café, Edith wants monsieur Alfonse to come inside, so they can confront René with the news. He does not want to (being afraid of René), but says he will not go inside because there is nobody to tend to his horse and that René is much bigger than he is. The next moment, Fanny looks out her window and, thinking the undertaker has come for her, starts throwing flower pots at him, driving him away.

Edith goes straight into the café, confronting René about his alleged infidelity. He denies by simply and calmly answering "No" to her questions - and she believes him. She then gives him the developed photograph of the safe and they summon monsieur LeClerc, who is tuning the piano to match Edith's voice, to have a look at it. They ask if he can open such a safe and he says he can - with a key. However, he could also manage it with some plastic explosive, fuse and a detonator. They decide to hand over the list of these things to Michelle, so she can provide them.

The three Germans are still sitting at the café table, when the general shows up in the town square in his car. Privately, he orders the colonel to invite Helga (whom the general finds very attractive), to dinner at the chateau that same evening. During the meal, the colonel will simulate a stomachache and leave the general and Helga alone. He is also to provide music for the evening - with real live musicians.

Later in the evening, the colonel, the lieutenant and the captain are sitting at the café, listening to Edith's singing. When she is done and they have received more wine, monsieur LeClerc enters, disguised as a window carpenter. He cries out he has some "pathé" to sell (which is really plastic explosive) and captain Bertorelli nearly buys it (since he needs some to mend his windows), before René takes care of it and Yvette calls them all (René, Edith and monsieur LeClerc) into the backroom, where Michelle wants to speak to them.

She informs them of her plan to get to the safe in lieutenant Gruber's room. A smoke canister will be dropped down his chimney and as he evacuates the room, René and monsieur LeClerc will smash the window and enter the room, disguised as firemen with gasmasks. For this purpose, Michelle has acquired a fire engine and a ladder. After officer Crabtree has come into the room, through the window, with the fuse and the detonator, Michelle orders Edith to be the one to drop the smoke canister "in the third chimney counting from the west". Assisted by Yvette, she will do it on the first stroke of midnight and on the sixth stroke, René and monsieur LeClerc will smash the window and get into the room.

During a private meal, Helga informs herr Flick that she has been ordered to dine with the general and that the colonel has been ordered to find musicians for the occasion. He orders her to keep looking for evidence of the blowing up plot and he also says he will keep her under observation during the evening.

At night, the café gang (René, Michelle, LeClerc and Crabtree) all disguise themselves as firemen and go to the chateau, while Edith and Yvette are already there, on the roof. There, Edith asks Yvette if she has had an affair with René, which she also denies - and Edith believes her too. Meanwhile, the general, Helga and the colonel are having dinner. After having finished their soup, the colonel starts complaining about his ulcer and leaves. As the musicians enter, the general goes to open a bottle of champagne. Helga then discovers, that the two gypsies playing are in fact herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen in disguise.

On the roof, Edith and Yvette find the chimneys, but they do not know which is the west. As they hear the gypsy music from one of them, they drop the canister in it, thinking it is Gruber playing (not knowing it is coming from the general's quarters). Meanwhile, Gruber telephones the café, asking to speak with René, whom he wishes to join him for a "night cap". A few seconds later, René barges in through the window and being rather surprised at not finding any smoke in the room. He is soon followed by LeClerc, after which the general barges in and orders Gruber to call for the fire brigade, since there is a fire in his room. Then, the fire alarm goes off.

[edit] The Dreaded Circular Saw

René and monsieur LeClerc are still in Gruber's bedroom. René tries to escape from the situation, but is stopped by Michelle, who orders them to blow open the safe. While they are adapting the explosives to the safe, lieutenant Gruber, Michelle and officer Crabtree fight the smoke fire in the general's room. Meanwhile, Helga is angry with herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen (disguised as gypsies) thinking they have started the fire and insists they have gone too far. However, herr Flick claims their innocence and forces Helga to create a diversion, while they escape from the room. General Von Klinkerhoffen blames the incident on the gypsies and orders that they be arrested.

René and monsieur LeClerc light the fuse, but as they hear somebody coming, they place the wardrobe in front of the safe (to hide it) and try to put out the fuse. They fail at this and are forced to hide under the bed. The next moment, the door is opened and the disguised Gestapo agents enter the room. As there are more people coming, the two of them hide in the wardrobe. As the safe is blown open, the wardrobe is blown to smithereens and the herrs escape by getting their clothes torn to rags. While Edith and Yvette on the roof notice several well known voices through the chimneys and realise the operation has gone wrong - hence deciding to flee - herr Flick notices the ladder outside the window. He and Von Smallhausen climb down it and commandeer the fire engine on the ground to escape in. When they are gone, René and LeClerc open the safe to photograph the German invasion plans. However, there are no plans only the two paintings of The Fallen Madonna and The Cracked Vase. They assume they are forgeries, but find it strange that they are kept in Gruber's safe. As the general and the lieutenant approach, René and LeClerc once more hide under the bed. There, they overhear the conversation between the Germans, learning that those paintings are the originals. Michelle and Crabtree enter the room, informing the Germans that the fire has been put out. They leave through the window, but as the fire engine is gone, they have to walk home. As Gruber assumes the gypsies have stolen the fire engine, the general orders "all gypsies driving fire engines" to be arrested. In fact, this goes for everyone not wearing a German uniform. When they have left the room, René and Leclerc are therefore forced to flee wearing one of Gruber's uniforms.

At the café, Mimi opens to let Edith and Yvette in. They are worried about René, who has not returned. Michelle and Crabtree join them soon after, Michelle being somewhat cross with whoever dropped the smoke canister down the wrong chimney. Edith admits to be the guilty one.

As René and LeClerc sneak through the town the get home to the café, they almost manage to get home, but as the café is surrounded by German soldiers, they jump in the back of a lorry to hide. There, they find themselves at gunpoint from the communist resistance. They try to explain that they are not Germans, but as it turns out the communists also have René on their hit-list (since they think he has been collaborating with the Germans), they find it best not to reveal their true identities and say they are Germans. The lorry leaves town.

The next day, Gruber, dressed in civilian clothes, comes to see colonel Von Strohm in his office, where captain Bertorelli is telling him about Rome. As Helga has announced him, he tells the colonel that he has serious news and also mentions he is out of uniform because his was stolen last night. After Bertorelli has been ordered to leave, Gruber tells Von Strohm and Helga that the paintings have been stolen. The colonel thinks he has the original Van Gogh in his desk drawer and that the original Van Clomp is at the café, but it turns out Gruber actually kept the originals in his safe. As they have now been stolen, they can sasisfy the general by giving him two forgeries, but they still need to get the originals back. The colonel thinks they should ask René for them, but becomes very suspicious, when he learns that René has disappeared.

René and LeClerc are taken to an old sawmill, where René hides the paintings in the beams. They are then strapped to a board, facing each other and with a big circular saw blade between their legs. LeClerc manages to reach the buttons to operate the blade, with which he will try to cut the ropes around his wrists. He pushes the green button, which starts the blade. However, he cannot reach it and René thinks he should turn it off. However, as he presses the red button, it is not turned off, but the board starts moving back and forth, almost cutting both of them in two. Fortunately the communists enter in time and swithc off the main power.

Herr Flick, wearing bandages on his head and arm after the explosion, receives Helga at his headquarters. Von Smallhausen is lying on a bed, having bandages all over his body. While Helga prepares a cup of tea, herr Flick tells her that he has come to the conclusion that the safe blew up because there were explosives kept in it - explosives that were to be used in the plot to blow up Hitler. He suspects Gruber of having put it there and therefore orders Helga to gain Gruber's confidence in order to gather evidence.

Edith, Yvette and Mimi light candles for René. Von Strohm and Gruber enter the café, informing them of the strange coincidence of the paintings being stolen at the same time that René has gone missing. They all think René has double crossed them and decide to help the Germans find him. As the colonel leaves, Helga enters and starts flirting with Gruber. Meanwhile, Michelle calls the girls into the backroom, where she informs them that René has been captured by the communist resistance, who are keeping him in the old sawmill. They decide to steal Gruber's "little tank" and use it to storm the sawmill. While Crabtree is using the town convenience, the three girls climb into the tank and start it up. Gruber becomes distracted and worried, when he hears the sound of the engine, and rushes out to see what is happening. Edith then crashes the tank into the town convenience, with officer Crabtree in it.

  • Note: In this episode, Rose Hill is once again credited without appearing and Kirsten Cooke (Michelle) is credited as the second person to appear in frame, even though it is actually Jack Haig (LeClerc) who does so.
  • Note: As the general threatens Gruber with being sent to the Russian front, he says "you could find yourself in Vladivostock by the end of the week". This is either a joke or a lapsus on the creators' part, since Vladivostock is on the Russian east coast, which the Germans were never even close to reaching during the whole war.

[edit] Otherwise Engaged

René and monsieur Leclerc are still being held by the communist Resistance. Their meal is interrupted, when the leader Denise Laroque comes with the rest of the girls to interrogate René, who is tied up between to posts. When René hears her name, he thinks it rings a bell and as he asks about it, they become even more suspicious of him, thinking he knows more than is good for him. When Denise goes behind him, she happens to see a birthmark on his back. She mentions having seen this mark before and tells everybody the sad story of how her childhood sweetheart carried this mark. It turns out he took half of her medal for gymnastics and let her keep the other half. She still carries her half around her neck and it turns out René has the other half around his. She is overjoyed at seeing him again and decides to keep him there.

In the town square, lieutenant Gruber is very angry about his tank being stolen and demands an explanation. He is even more puzzled, when he finds out that Edith and the girls were the ones who took it. Edith then reveals that René has been captured by the communist resistance. When he learns about this, he becomes very understanding and tells officer Crabtree that he will take full responsibility for the demolishing of the town convenience.

The two British airmen go down into the café and discuss their situation. They both think they would be better off, if they found a German officer and gave themselves up, because then they would be put in a proper prisoner of war camp, where they would receive letters from home, Red Cross parcels etcetera. When Edith and the girls discover them, they try to make them go back upstairs, but as they do not speak each other's languages, they misunderstand this. Two German soldiers enter the café, but since they are officers, they will not surrender to privates. Instead, they go out into the town square. Edith then sends Mimi after Crabtree, so somebody can talk with them.

Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are sitting in Flick's headquarters, playing cards, when Helga comes in. After she has been allowed to kiss herr Flick, Von Smallhausen is sent away. Helga then reports that she is making progress with Gruber, even being allowed to shift the gear in his tank and look at his big gun.

At the sawmill, René and LeClerc are dressed in civilian clothes. Sine Denise has decided that René is her "destiny", she will not let them go, and she even informs René, that she has decided to marry him. The wedding will take place the following Saturday, after they have stolen the necessary clothes, kidnapped the priest and commandeered the church. René agrees to this and makes Denise allow him to return home, while waiting for Saturday and the wedding.

The airmen are sitting in the square, waiting for somebody to give themselves up to, while monsieur Alfonse comes along in his hearse and goes into the café with flowers for Edith. Soon, general Von Klinkerhoffen and colonel Von Strohm show up and take fruit (some peaches) from the local fruit merchant, without paying. The general complains to the colonel that he is too lenient with the French "peasants" and encourages him to be much more firm with them. The airmen approach these German officers to surrender to them, but they think they are French peasants and whip them away. They also try to surrender to captain Bertorelli, who is visiting the café, but this also fails. Hence they leave him.

Monsieur Alfonse comes upstairs, to madame Fanny, to ask her for Edith's hand in marriage. At first, she says no, since she is worried about what will happen to her, when Edith has left the café. However, after bargaining a bit with her, she consents to their wedding. Meanwhile, René returns to the café and is greeted by Yvette. She asks him when he will tell his wife that he is going to marry her (Yvette) and he answers "I will tell her that there are marriage plans afoot". Yvette, thinking he is finally going to tell Edith of their plans, goes upstairs to tell her that René is back. When monsieur Alfonse hears about this, his "dicky ticker" starts giving him trouble and he falls down on the bed, over madame Fanny. As René comes into the room, he tells Edith that "it has been arranged for him to marry the next Saturday morning". Edith and Yvette both think they are the bride-to-be and they both sigh with happiness. As René desperately tries to reveal who he is going to marry, Yvette leaves the room, not to put too much preassure on him. He then manages to reveal that he is forced to marry Denise Laroque. This makes Edith very upset and as Yvette comes in at that moment, she naturally thinks she is upset because René has revealed that he will marry her. When she talks about this and says she "will make him a wonderful wife", Edith becomes angry at learning this new information and as the situation has become as complicated as it is, René faints.

  • Note: In this episode, one of the communist resistance girls is played by Phoebe Scholfield, who has earlier played Henriette, one of Michelle's resistance girls.

[edit] A Marriage of Inconvenience

René is shaving, when Yvette enters the room, wondering why he has been avoiding her. He says he has managed to convince Edith that she misunderstood Yvette's declaration of being about to marry René, but they must be more discreet in the future. However, they kiss once, giving Yvette shaving cream around her mouth, which René tries to explain to Edith, who walks in on them.

Colonel Von Strohm informs lieutenant Gruber that general Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered him to start shooting people, if the paintings are not recovered. Secondly, Gruber is very releaved to hear that René has been released. The colonel then wants Gruber, who is very friendly with René, to wheedle the information of where the paintings are out of him, which he is reluctant to do.

At the café, Edith is practicing her singing together with monsieur LeClerc, when Mimi tells her that Michelle is in the backroom, since Edith has been wanting to talk to her. Edith tells her of her plan to prevent René from marrying Denise Laroque, which is that when Denise has stolen the wedding dress, Michelle's resistance group will kidnap her, so Edith can take her place at the altar. The veil of the dress is so thick that neither René nor the other communist resistance girls will suspect anyting.

Herr Flick reveals to Helga that he has received an angry letter from his uncle Himmler, complaining that he is inefficient. If he does not recover the paintings or find any evidence of the plot to blow up Hitler, he is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. In an attempt to make progress, herr Flick has decided they shall both attend the activity in the church the following Saturday. However, they do not know that René is the groom or even that there is a wedding to be held.

On Friday evening, Edith closes the café early and when René comes down, she asks him to join her in the backroom. There, she has prepared a special dinner for them, recreating the one they had on their wedding night. René remembers and even becomes more sensitive and affectionate for Edith than usual. Edith even has her mother serving them, just as she did all those years ago. Meanwhile, monsieur Alfonse comes to give Edith flowers, but officer Crabtree tells him that the café is closed for the moment. Therefore, Alfonse asks him to give them to her. At the same moment, Yvette and Mimi work the streets looking for business as "women of the streets" but without any luck. They even try to flirt with captain Bertorelli, but they get nowhere. However, monsieur Alfonse seems interested.

The next day, Edith is very nervous, since it is the day the wedding will take place. When the colonel and the lieutenant are having lunch at the café, they ask her about it and if they can talk to René, but she does not tell them who are the bride and groom, only that René is upstairs. While Edith meets Michelle in the backroom and is told that Denise has been imprisoned down a mine shaft and receives the wedding dress from her, Gruber goes upstairs to find René, who is putting his wedding clothes on, aided by monsieur Alfonse. When he comes up and finds René dressed in such fancy clothes, he becomes very emotionally upset when learning that René is the groom.

In church, René is waiting nervously, while all the others show up one by one (even the communist resistance, with loaded guns) and it turns out LeClerc is to be the organist and monsieur Alfonse is the best man, handing out programmes. The colonel and the lieutenant sit down behind René and ask him about the paintings, which he assures them are safe. As the ceremony starts, all the wedding guests and a choir start sining. Herr Flick and Helga have disguised themselves as members of the choir, but as they do not know the words, they "open and shut their mouths like gold fish". When the bride has arrived, René stands up next to her, but he then discovers that she is rather short for being Denise Laroque. Edith then reveals herself to him and Alfonse, giving them both quite a shock. In order not to arouse the communists' suspicions, René must still go through with the ceremony. However, it does not become a proper wedding, since Yvette and Mimi have replaced the real priest with officer Crabtree.

  • Note: Once again, the airmen actors are credited without appearing in the episode.
  • Note: Kim Hartman (Helga) is credited as number four, even though she is the ninth person to appear in frame.

[edit] No Hiding Place

René, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and monsieur Alfonse are all in the café. Edith is crying after having found out that the wedding is not legal due to Crabtree's posing as the priest. René reminds them all about his situation: the communist resistance will not take it lightly when Denise Laroque escapes from the mine shaft Michelle is holding her in. As they are all discussing the situation, Michelle turns up and informs them that Denise has escaped. The next moment, a member of the communist resistance storms into the cafe and shoots a series of bullets over the bar. When she has gone, Edith bends over René, exclaiming he is dead. He protests, but she urges him to pretend that he is, in order to make the communists think so.

A while later, lieutenant Gruber informs colonel Von Strohm of this event. As they discuss this, Helga announces an old man, with a big beard, who claims to be René's father. When the four of them are alone in the colonel's office, the old man reveals himself to be René himself. He explains why it was not a proper wedding and asks the colonel for protection from the communists. The colonel has two guards throw him out, but then instructs Helga, carrying a gun, to follow René and protect him since he has still not revealed where the missing paintings are hidden. If he is shot, she is to pay close attention to his last words, which will hopefully concern the whereabouts of the paintings.

René goes to herr Flick's office and asks him to lock him up for a few days. Herr Flick also refuses, but after René has left, he instructs Von Smallhausen to follow him, since he could lead them to the communist resistance. René goes to the police station and asks Crabtree to lock him up. Crabtree first asks if he has committed any crime. René tells him he will confess to anything as long as he will be locked up, but unfortunately, all the cells are full.

Edith brings food to her mother and she mentions her old clock, which she has sent to be repared. It was supposed to be a wedding gift to Edith, but when it is returned, Fanny wants it up in her room, partly because it has sentimental value to her, partly because she wants to be able to tell the time. Meanwhile, the British airmen turn up at the police station, trying to give themselves in. Soon they realise that Crabtree is behind the desk and he urges them not to. They complain that Michelle's resistance is not doing a very good job at getting them back to England and Crabtree agrees. He is considering getting in touch with the communist resistance, since they have more "go" in them.

Edith, Yvette, Mimi and monsieur LeClerc are all cleaning the café, when René, still disguised as an old man with a big beard, enters. The next moment, a package is delivered. As it is ticking, René believes it to be a bomb and throws it into the bucket of cleaning water, drowning it. Edith angrily tells him that it is her mother's clock and the delivery man says it will take another week to have it repaired. When he has left, Yvette notices a new "woman of the street" in the square and she and Mimi go out to ask her what she is doing on "their territory". They then discover that it is Helga, in disguise to protect René. They bring her into the café, where this is also revealed to Edith and René. René does not think she should be doing it, since it is rather dangerous. However, it turns out Helga has protection of her own - both a gun and a "pimp". As she calls this "pimp" inside, it turns out to be Gruber, disguised in a suit. René then tells the two Germans where the paintings are and they all sit down to discuss plans. Doing this, they share a bottle of wine. It turns out the bottle was delivered to the café from "a friend". However, when LeClerc accidentally spills some of the wine on the table, it turns out to be acid. René decides to flee for the moment. When the others try to stop him, he holds them at gunpoint and leaves the café. Outside, however, one of Denise's assistants is waiting for him. She pulls him into the back of a lorry, waiting in the square. Inside, René meets up with Denise, who tells him that she knows he is innocent concerning the failed wedding and the it is the women of the café she should kill. For the moment, however, Denise reveals that she is going to the party conference in Lyon; she has been nominated to party chairman. However, on her return, she will get her revenge on the female members of the café. As a German patrol is approaching, René is pushed out of the lorry, which drives away.

  • Note: When the people in the café are about to share the wine, the acid spot on the table can be seen even before the wine has been poured.
  • Note: Richard Gibson and John Louis Mansi are credited in the opposite order that they appear in the episode.
  • Note: As Crabtree is talking to the British airmen, it is one of the few occasions when Crabtree is speaking English in the series.

[edit] The Arrival of the Homing Duck

After having been thrown out of the lorry, René goes to inform the women of the café of the threat against them. However, on the way, he is stopped by herr Von Smallhausen, disguised as a doomsday prophet. He asks René if the people in the lorry were the communist resistance, which he assures him they were not. Then, officer Crabtree comes along and tells Von Smallhausen to go away. After he has left, Crabtree informs René that he has the airmen locked up in a cell at the police station, but he can only keep them there for 24 hours and he will return them to him as soon as possible. René then goes into the café and informs Edith and the girls that Denise intends to kill them, because they screwed up the wedding. Edith then decides to flee to Spain, wearing a disguise. After she has gone to pick out one, Helga and Gruber also leave the café.

Von Smallhausen brings herr Flick a photograph of the communist resistance. However, it is not very good, since the only thing seen in it is a hand. As there are 50 million people in France, there is about 100 million hands and it will take some time to identify the one in the picture. However, herr Flick urges herr Von Smallhausen to begin.

Helga goes back to colonel Von Strohm and informs him that René is safe and that the paintings are hidden in the communist resistance headquarters. General Von Klinkerhoffen enters the room and first mistakes Helga for a "woman of the street", since she is dressed as one. When she explains who she is and why she is dressed in this manner, the gneral learns that they have located the missing paintings, but cannot reveal exactly where they are. Helga wants to go to her office to change clothes (into uniform), but the general orders her to change right there in the colonel's office, which she does. Meanwhile, he reveals to the colonel that some generals will be coming to the chateau to discuss the plans for invading England. As the colonel is watching Helga change and the general sees this through a mirror, they accidentally, by freudian slips, drop inuendous words into the conversation about the plans.

René and Yvette have a quick cuddle in the larder, but are interrupted by Michelle, looking through the window. She informs them that the generals will be at the chateau and that this will give them a perfect opportunity to photograph the invasion plans, since René will do the catering. Before they have very much chance of protesting, she disappears. René and Yvette then try to have a little cuddle again, but are once again interrupted, this time by monsieur Alfonse, who is bringing flowers to Edith. Since she has decided to flee, Mimi meanwhile tries a little singing in her place in the café, where monsieur LeClerc is providing the music. The others come out and see her, thinking she sings quite good. However, Edith hears it from upstairs and is very upset that anybody but her sings at the café. She angrily comes down - disguised as her own mother. However, soon her mother starts calling for her. Mimi then politely offers to sing in her place - which Edith does not agree to.

Later, while the airmen are sitting in their cell, discussing the war and their situation, monsieur Alfonse goes into Fanny's room, thinking it is Edith lying in the bed, and declares her love to her. He receives quite a shock when he finds out that it is actually her mother, who is lying in the bed.

Two soldiers bring Helga into herr Flick's room. He makes her iron his shirt while she informs him of the generals' meeting at the chateau. She is also allowed to kiss him and then accidentally leaves the iron lying down and almost puts the shirt on fire. Meanwhile, René and Mimi have a little cuddle in the backroom, when René finds out that Mimi has handgranades hidden in her bosom as protection from assassination by the communist resistance. They are interrupted by Michelle, who reveals that the RAF have sent a long-distance duck to carry the photographs of the invasion plans back to England. After she has left, Yvette calls René out into the café, where he is met by Crabtree. He delivers a message from the airmen that there is too much garlic in their food and that they want René to deliver them a food parcel. The next moment, and old duck seller with a big beard comes into the café. The seller tries to give the impression he is LeClerc, but René is not fooled by this, partly because LeClerc is already in the café, partly because the disguise is not very good. It turns out to be Edith, who is delivering the long-distance duck in a basket.

René quickly forces her and Crabtree out through the kitchen, when colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and private Geerhart (Helga) enter the café. They inform René that the general is eager to find the paintings. They want to give him some forgeries and claim they are the originals. This will give them time to find the real paintings, but if René does not show them where they are, he will be cut out of the deal with the paintings. They are planning to ambush the communist headquarters to retrieve them. The next moment, captain Bertorelli enters, having returned from Italy with a small platoon of lazy Italian criminals, who seem the just the kind of "ruthless men" they are looking for to perform this ambush. When they have inspected the platoon - who claim to be very mean and tough - they inform them of the ambush. Bertorelli is honored that they want his men for the assignment, but the platoon do not like the idea and scatter to avoid it.

[edit] Watch the Birdie

Edith, hiding from the communist resistance, is cleaning the floor of the café with a bucket over her head. She then asks René to hold and kiss her, to make some of his courage pour over into her. However, before he has to do this, Yvette calls them both into the backroom, where Michelle is waiting. She informs them that the German generals are meeting at the chateau the following day to discuss the plans for the invasion of England. René and his staff are to provide the catering for the meeting and at the same time photograph the map. When he points out how dangerous it is, Michelle calls Mimi into the room, through the window. She brings a big parcel, in which is included a device with a concealed camera. It turns out to be a waiter's outfit with a false left arm (made of rubber and always held on the wearer's hip) and an apron, which can be lifted up, revealing a camera. The idea is for the wearer to use his real left arm (hidden underneath the clothes) to maneuvre the camera. Michelle then gives Edith a pill, which she will take to foam around her mouth. After that, she will pretend to have a fit and fall down on the floor. When the generals are diverted by this action, René will be able to take the picture. However, he complains that the rubber hand does not look at all realistic and would not fool anybody. Michelle then urges him to go into the café and try it out - if nobody falls for it, she will cancel the whole operation. Nevertheless, as he goes into the café, nobody in there (includeing colonel Von Strohm) notices that it is a false arm and hand - not even lieutenant Gruber, who has especially noticed René's "delicate hands".

Herr Von Smallhausen enters the headquarters of herr Flick (who can be seen wearing an SS uniform) and announces Helga. Herr Flick orders Von Smallhausen to get the tailor and tells Helga that the uniform is his wedding outfit when they wed. He has also provided a dress for her, which the tailor brings. It turns out to be a black leather outfit, with a rather thick veil. As she also informs him that the generals will be gathering to discuss the invasion plans, he assumes they will really be talking about the assassination attempt on Hitler and he will therefore spy on them.

Monsieur Alfonse brings flowers for Fanny and thus goes up to her room. While he and Edith are there, the bedknobs start flashing, indicating that London is calling. This means that Alfonse is shown the radio and the loudspeaker and how they communicate with London, as René, Yvette and Mimi enter the room to answer the call. Through this, they receive information that there will be a French collaborating general attending the generals' meeting and he must be eliminiated. When they have signed out, monsieur LeClerc comes up and informs them that when he was feeding the long-distance duck, it escaped and flew away. It can even now be heard and seen circling around the square. Monsieur Alfonse then tells them that he has duck-hunting equipment - consisting of hats with artificial ducks on top and duck quackers.

When they come downstairs, they see a French general sitting at a window table. When René offers him a menu, he falls down over the table - apparently dead. It turns out he has been poisoned by Mimi. They must then try to dispose of the body and ask the customers of the café to help them - whereupon everybody quickly leaves the café. The next moment, officer Crabtree enters together with the airmen. However, they are told to go outside, while René explains the situation to Crabtree. Then, they hear murmurs from the general, who is not dead after all.

Monsieurs Alfonse and LeClerc try to capture the duck, but putting on the duck-hunting equipment and hiding in the town convenience, so that the duck will see the ducks on their heads but not them. However, captain Bertorelli comes to take use of the facilities and asks them what they are doing. When they tell him that they are trying to capture the duck, so they can eat it for lunch, the captain "helps" them by shooting down the duck. He thinks he has done them a favour, but unbeknownst to him, they now, for the moment, do not have a carrier duck to send the photograph back to England.

At the chateau, René, Edith, Yvette and Mimi are preparing the food for the generals, when general Erich Von Klinkerhoffen, lieutenant Hubert Gruber and private Helga Geerhart enter the room, Gruber carrying the big map under his arm. The general tells the café gang that if they look at the map, they will be shot. Therefore, they are to keep their eyes on the ceiling if they come within six feet of it. Meanwhile, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen crawl under the roof of the chateau, trying to locate the generals' conference beneath them, so they can drill a hole through the ceiling and spy on it. However, they do not find the conference room and miss everything happening there.

As the generals enter the room, Helga announces them. First come colonel Kurt Von Strohm and captain Alberto Bertorelli, followed by general Leopold Von Flockenstuffen, general Vilhelm Von Walkenstiffen, airchief marshall Maximilian Von Winkelmeister, admiral Ulrich Von Sinkenquicken and the French general Jean Louis Marcel Aznavour. When he enters, he turns out to be Crabtree in disguise. However, since the Germans have never seen neither Crabtree nor the real French general, the do not suspect anything.

At first, the big map has to be held down or it will be rolled up by itself. However, after a while, it can be stretched out and lie flat. When René tells Edith that the table is to high for the camera to reach taking a picture of the map, she tells him to stand on a chair, since she is about to take the pill. However, she has accidentally left the jar with the rest of the pills on the table and the Germans think they are sweets. Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Von Flockenstuffen all have one, but do not notice they get foam around their mouths. When Edith tries to draw attention to herself by foaming around the mouth and having a fit on the floor, the Germans hardly notice her. However, after a while they start noticing their own foam and think they have been poisoned by the resistance and all rush to the hospital wing. This leaves the map without surveillance and the café gang are free to photograph it. When the mission is complete, they head back to the café.

  • Note: This episode marks the first appearance of Ken Morley as general Leopold Von Flockenstuffen.

[edit] René - Under an Assumed Nose

René is in the café, taking some pills to calm his nerves after the adventure at the chateau. Edith comes in, informing him that the French general in the cellar is still unconscious. The next moment, they let in monsieurs Alfonse and LeClerc, having caught the duck. It turns out it is not dead, but sleeping in the basket they have brought to catch it in.

The airmen discuss escaping plans in prison, one of them being stealing Gruber's little tank, fighting their way down to the docks in the harbour, stealing a submarine and fleeing to England.

Colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are in the colonel's office, studying a plan of the sawmill, drawn by LeClerc. The two paintings ("The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" and "The Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies") are somewhere inside. Gruber asks how many of the communist resistance people who are defending the mill and the colonel explains to him, that it does not matter - since they will let captain Bertorelli and his platoon lead the assault. When they have cleared out the communists, Gruber will burst in with his tank and nick the paintings, having brought René to tell him where they are.

Helga announces captain Bertorelli. After they have given him and his men the assignment to fight the communists, general Von Klinkerhoffen arrives. He complains of the security at the conference, where they were all almost poisoned. It turns out that René was the only one except the generals who knew about the conference and the general therefore wants him shot. He also urges the officers to recover the missing paintings.

At the café, René, Edith and Yvette meet with Michelle in the backroom. They inform her that the duck is in no condition to fly to England and she informs them, that the photograph they took is useless, since there are no marks, arrows or anything on it. René becomes very upset and threatens to resign and leave the resistance. They try to talk him out of it, but he has made up his mind. Michelle then asks the others to leave, to let her have a private word with him. When the two of them are alone in the backroom, she pretends to be in love with him, in order to convince him to stay. After a while, they come out of the room, René's clothes a bit askew, informing them that René will stay in the resistance and that they must contact London at once. As they try this, Fanny complains there is a duck in her bed. They explain that it needs the rest and it turns out, it has laid an egg. The next moment, Mimi and Yvette barge in, telling them that Gruber is coming upstairs with a soldier to arrest René. He hides in the cupboard and the radio is hidden in its usual place. When the Germans enter the room, Fanny pretends to be dying and "dies" in front of their eyes. As they are looking for René, Gruber orders the soldier to look for him elswhere, while he himself looks in the cupboard. He finds René, but shouts to the guard that the cupboard is empty. Then, he informs René that he is believed to be responsible for the poisoning and is to be shot. However, he also tells him to stay out of sight until they have found the real culprit.

Herr Flick comes to visit the colonel and is then introduced to captain Bertorelli. However, he orders the captain to leave, since what he is about to say is not intended for his ears. When he has left, herr Flick also complains of the security at the conference. Von Strohm tells him that they have René as a suspect and will shoot him. However, herr Flick does not think he is the guilty party. Helga points out that there was a French general at the conference and herr Flick suspects him. The colonel's description of the general - that he has a big nose - is no good in herr Flick's eyes, since all French generals have big noses. However, Helga's description - that he is tall and dressed like a French general - is more than accurate to him and gives him big hope of catching him.

At the café, Edith tells Yvette that René and monseiur LeClerc are in the cellar with the French general, who is still out. In order to give René a free escape route, she tries to make colonel Von Strohm come upstairs with her (Gruber and Helga are also there, but they will not give René away). However tempting the colonel finds the offer, he must stay and wait for René to show up. The next moment, monsieur Alfonse enters the café with a big parcel. He gives it to Edith, explaining that it contains an undertaker's suit, which René can use as a disguise to get out of the café and go to Alfonse's mortuary, where he will hide him in a coffin. Edith goes downstairs with it, while officer Crabtree enters and gives a similar parcel to Yvette. It contains a policeman's uniform, with which René can disguise himself and leave the café.

However, when Edith and Yvette go down with the disguises, they find out that René is already disguised - as a French general. Since all French generals have "big noses", monsieur LeClerc has made him a false one out of plastic explosives. The fuse is buried in one of his nostrils. Yvette takes him upstairs to give him the chance of leaving by the backroom window. On his way between the kitchen and backroom doors, he is spotted by the three Germans, who think he is the French general they are looking for. Helga goes to report this to herr Flick, while the colonel and the lieutenant will try to keep the general in the café.

In the backroom, it turns out René cannot leave by the window, since the square is swarming with German soldiers and "a French general cannot be seen climbing out a window" as Yvette tells him. He must leave by the front door, but before this, he and Yvette have a quick cuddle - accidentally squashing his nose. As he tries to leave, he is stopped by the German officers, who ask him to sit down and share a glass of champagne with them. However, Gruber recognises him when Edith comes up from the cellar and points out his squashed nose to him. He tells the colonel of this who then also recognises him. As the false nose is tickling on René's real one, he sneezes, making the fuse stick out of the nostril. However, René does not notice this and when he is offered a cigarette by Gruber, he accidentally lights the fuse instead of the cigarette. Meanwhile, the Germans tell him they will hide him until the real general has been found. When he realises the fuse is lit, he tries to put it out, but in vain. Therefore, he removes it and throws it away, into the town square. Unfortunately, he throws it right at herr Flick, who, after the explosion, enters the café with his clothes in rags and faints inside the door.

[edit] The Confusion of the Generals

Once again, René's life is in danger, so he packs a suitcase and gets dressed to escape. Edith and Yvette try to talk him out of it, but they fail. However, as he is leaving the café, lieutenant Gruber comes along and informs him that he has told general Von Klinkerhoffen that it was the French general who tried to blow up herr Flick. The general then suspects the French general to be behind the attempted "poisoning" too and René is in the clear. When Gruber has left, looking for the French general, Edith asks René why he did not tell him that they have the general in their cellar. René tells her that it was because he does not want the Germans to suspect they have been hiding the general. Edith then comes up with the idea of placing him, still unconscious as he is, outside the café and then tell the Germans where they can find him. René thinks it is a lousy idea.

Helga calls on herr Flick, who is lying in bed with bandages around his head, his right arm and his left leg. She is allowed to kiss him, but gently. Meanwhile, René, Edith and the waitresses places the general at a table outside the café, put his hand around a glass of wine and try to make him look like a customer. As captain Alberto Bertorelli approaches, they try to get him inside the café, before he discovers the French general. However, since it is a beautiful day, he wants to remain outdoors and sits down next to the general without suspecting anything.

Colonel Von Strohm shows Gruber four glasses which he has commandeered from the museum - they are priceless 17th century Louis XIV glasses. The next moment, general Von Klinkerhoffen enters and order both of them and Helga, to stay and listen to what he has to say. The French general has turned out to be the guilty party and has been captured. He is even now being sent to Berlin for interrogation. He also reveals his plans for the rescheduled generals' conference. Peasants will be dressed up as German generals and placed in a tent in the town square, where they will be seeming to plan the invasion. Meanwhile, the real generals will discuss the invasion plans in the café, disguised as peasants. This will stop any assassination plots or interruptions. The celebrate this scheme by having a drink from the glasses. However, before they can tell the general that they are priceless antiques, he and Helga have galantly smashed their glasses in the fireplace and Gruber and Von Strohm are forced to do the same.

René and Yvette have a quick cuddle in the backroom, but are interrupted by Michelle. She thinks René is a "faithless deceiver" after their little tête-à-tête (in the previous episode). Yvette is very upset to learn that René seems to be in love with somebody else. It almost looks as if the two girls will start a fight over René, but before this, Michelle asks him to leave the room. When he has done so, she explains to Yvette that she does not love him - she only pretended to do so in order to make him stay in the resistance. When she does not need him anymore, she will break up with him and Yvette can have him back. Edith happens to walk in on them, but does not hear anything of the conversation. As René, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and Michelle then gather in the room, Mimi tells them that there has been an urgent message from London on the radio. Michelle is able to decipher the message, which was sent in morse code. It means that several more British airmen, disguised as onion sellers, will arrive at the café. Under the cover of an air raid, they will be picked up by a fish truck and driven to the coast shortly after the arrival.

Monsieur LeClerc enters the café, very smartly dressed and in a cheerful mode. This is because he and Fanny will be promenading themselves around the town to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their first meeting. While he is waiting for Fanny and talking to Mimi, officer Crabtree comes up to them and gives them a message. He will bring the airmen to the café when the air raid is on. However, because of his bad French, they misunderstand this.

At the colonel's office, all the German generals are waiting, disguised as peasants (very similar to onion sellers). General Von Klinkerhoffen, colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber, still dressed in uniforms, have been supervising the dressing up of the French peasants. Von Klinkerhoffen tells the generals to go to the café and the three of them will soon follow - when they have also disguised themselves as French peasants. However, when Gruber shows him their peasants' clothes, he thinks they are too smelly and they end up going to the café dressed as German officers.

At night, Crabtree bring the two regular British airmen, dressed as onion sellers, to the café, in order to let them wait for the air raid in there. Soon, they are joined by the other British airmen, also dressed as onion sellers. The next moment, the German generals, also dressed as onion sellers, enter the café. They think all the airmen are other German generals and all the airmen think they are other airmen. The two original airmen greet some of the German generals and say "we'll soon be in England". The generals do not suspect anything from this statement, as that is what they all want. As the airmen speak English, the Germans assume that they are to practice their English at the meeting. The airmen and the generals talk a little, without suspecting anything. However, Crabtree informs René and Edith that some of the "onion sellers" are in fact German generals. The next moment, the air raid starts, while the general, the colonel and the lieutenant are on their way to the café. The colonel rushes to the café, telling everyone to keep out of the air raid by going to the shelters. The German generals leave the café, followed by the British airmen. Mimi drives the fish truck into the square but in the dark, it is not easy to see who is an airman and who is a general, since they are all dressed as onion sellers. Therefore, the German generals are told by Mimi to get into the back of the truck, which they do, together with the British airmen - assuming they will be driven to the shelter. Unfortunately, the two original airmen (Fairfax and Carstairs) do not get on the truck, since it is full and there is no room for them.

The French peasants in the tent in the square - all dressed as German generals - leave the tent, since it is getting dangerous to be there. They head into the café, where it turns out that LeClerc is one of those having been forced to play a German general. Michelle comes in from the backroom and congratulates them all on a job well done. However, she is not so enthusiastic when she learns that a large number of real German generals have been sent to the coast on the fish truck. Secondly they are all even more put off when the two airmen enter the café asking for "the next fish truck".

[edit] Who's for the Vatican

René is bricking himself up in a small compartment in the cellar of the café until the war is over, thinking he will be blamed for the German generals' being mixed up with the British airmen. When Edith brings him some nourishment, she realises that she will also be in danger and joins him, which he lets her do reluctantly. Yvette and Fanny also come down and want to be bricked up, being scared of what will happen to them. When Mimi comes down, it is not to join them, but to tell them that Michelle wants to see them in the backroom. They are then forced to leave the little compartment they are in and go upstairs.

René and Edith go into the backroom, where Michelle tells them that the news of the German generals, supposedly captured by the British in the submarine that was waiting for the airmen, disappearing will be all over the news and that René is now one of France's biggest heroes. She even bestowes him a medal from the resistance. Next, she gives him a suicide pill, since he must disappear, because he knows too much. When the Germans investigate the disappearance of the Generals, they might torture René and he might reveal too much. Naturally, he does not want to commit suicide, but when he asks Edith for help, she says she will go and get a glass of water. As she opens the door into the café, monsieur Alfonse is standing outside. He enters the room to pay his last respects to René and inform him of his services for burying him. The next moment, one of Michelle's girls enters the room through the window, informing them that the fish truck has hit a bomb crater and the German generals have gone back to Berlin. To René, this is good news, since they will now never know how close they were to being captured and he is in the clear. This means the resistance can take the pill back, but also the medal. They do so and leave through the window.

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber rushes into colonel Kurt Von Strohm's office, informing him that general Erich Von Klinkerhoffen is very upset, since Berlin is blaming him for the failed conference. He will be looking for a scape-goat and it will be the colonel. As Helga announces the general, the colonel hides behind the window curtains, but the lieutenant cannot help telling the general where he is. He makes it clear to the colonel, that he intends to send him to the Russian front and, after some consideration, the lieutenant too. When he has left the office, the colonel comes up with the idea to ask captain Alberto Bertorelli for help. With his connections in Rome, he should be able to arrange for them to hide in the Vatican, if they pay enough money (since the cahtolic church will do anything for money). When Gruber asks where they will get the money, Von Strohm tells him that they will sell the paintings, but cut Helga out of the deal. However, she is evesdropping by the door and goes straight to herr Flick with this information. He decides they must find out where the paintings are and snitch them from under the colonel's and the lieutenant's noses.

At the café, the gang are glad to be "off the hook". Bertorelli comes in and courts Edith, but soon, he is followed by Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga, who order all other customers to leave, since the café has been requisitioned by the German army. The German officers demand René help them get out of France into Italy and that Bertorelli help them get into the Vatican. Bertorelli says he can help them in Italy, but it will be difficult to get them into the Vatican, since the Pope will not do "anything for nothing". However, this is why they need the paintings back and they demand that René go to get them.

While Bertorelli is parading his platoon in the town square, making them practice bayonet charge, and monsieur LeClerc and Fanny go for a promenade to the museum, René is kneeding dough in the kitchen. Michelle comes in, telling him that the resistance needs the paintings to sell for party funds, while he gives the Germans the two forgeries instead. When René points out that there are guards everywhere in the area around the sawmill where the paintings are hidden, she says they will not suspect a Franciscan vicar wheeling a pram.

A while later, the German officers look for René, but cannot find him (Edith says he disappeared an hour ago). However, they force LeClerc to show the way instead and bring the Italian platoon to the sawmill. Meanwhile, René is on his way there, disguised as a Franciscan vicar wheeling a pram. Mimi, disguised as a baby, is sitting inside it and the German guards at the roadpost let them pass. Helga follows, dressed as a nurse and also wheeling a pram, in which sits herr Flick as the baby.

As René is switching the real paintings with the forgeries at the sawmill, Denise Laroque and her gang barge in, returning from Lyon. Denise is thrilled to find René there and intends to not let him go. However, the Italian troops start firing at the sawmill and in the general confusion, René tries to sneak out, with Mimi in the pram. Unfortunately, the Italians surrender before they have time to get out and they, the colonel, the lieutenant and monsieur LeClerc are all captured by the communist resistance.

[edit] Ribbing the Bonk

René has concealed the real paintings in Mimi's nappy and the forgeries behind the beams where the originals used to be hidden. After he has informed the audience of this, the Germans and the Italians are lead into the barn by the communist resistance. Colonel Von Strohm tells them that monsieur LeClerc was the one who showed them the way to the barn and Denise therefore threatens to shoot him. He pleads for his life and René then convinces Denise to demand a ransom for the prisoners instead of shooting them. Herr Flick and Helga observe them and then return to herr Flick's headquarters.

Edith is in the town square buying food, when officer Crabtree comes up to her and says he wishes to give her a message. She therefore asks him to come into the café, on the way to which he exchanges a few words with the two British airmen, who are enjoying a glass of wine at an outdoor café table. When Edith enters the café, she fins Yvette crying over René. The next moment, Crabtree comes in and tells them that René has been captured by "the kimminist resostance", upsetting the two women. The second after this, Michelle comes in through the backroom door and also tells them René has been captured. She is soon followed by monsieur Alfonse (coming in through the front door) who also tells them that René has been captured.

They all go upstairs to contact London on the radio. As they do so and Michelle wants to speak to "Kingfisher", it turns out he is out for lunch and they are urged to call back in ten minutes. While waiting, Michelle tells them of her plan, which is to have the RAF bomb the sawmill, wiping out the communist resistance, some German officers and an Italian platoon in one blow. When they point out to her, that René is at the mill, she declares that he has to be sacrificed, in order to get so many of their enemies as they will do.

Lieutenant Gruber, colonel Von Strohm and captain Bertorelli are sitting with their arms tied behind their backs. René comes in and informs them that he has managed to convince the communists not to shoot them, but to ask for a ransom for them instead. The price will be one million francs for the Germans and ten cans of baked beans for the Italian. They ask him if he has recovered the original paintings and he tells them no. When they urge him to get them, he picks down the forgeries, which he placed behind the beams earlier and stuffs them down Gruber's trousers - the Germans and the Italian thinking they are the originals.

René and Leclerc leave the sawmill, but are forced to leave Mimi behind with the communists. After having returned to the café, René telephones general Von Klinkerhoffen and demands the ransom of one million francs for the officers. The general does not care about them and refuses to pay. Secondly, it is all very well that René and monsieur LeClerc are safe from the RAF bombing of the barn, but Mimi is still there and so are the original paintings. René urges Michelle to stop the bombing, but she cannot, since the battery to the radio is flat. Therefore, they must hurry to find the money for the ransom themselves. As monsieur Alfonse is unwilling to lend them his money and monsieur LeClerc cannot forge that much money with such short notice, Michelle comes up with a plan to steal the money from the bank, taking advantage of monsieur LeClerc's being the greatest "safe cracker" in all France. At first, René refuses to rob the bank, but they others convince him to do it. They then agree to meet at the bank at midnight. Meanwhile, herr Flick and Helga are sitting in his headquarters. Herr Flick telephones the general and tries to fool him into paying two million for the ransom, which he also refuses.

At midnight, Michelle, René, Yvette, Edith and monsieurs LeClerc and Alfonse enter the bank. Michell will keep watch (and hoot like an owl if somebody is coming), while the others get into the vault. Soon, Crabtree joins them, as LeClerc manages to open the door to the vault (by using a stethoscope), and he is told to keep watch together with Michelle. In the vault, they look for money and find all sorts of things in the different safe boxes. Suddenly, the door accidentally closes, trapping them all in the vault. Yvette becomes a bit claustrophobic, but manages to snap out of it. LeClerc attempts to blow open the door from the inside, but as the lightbulb in the vault starts fading and then goes out, he needs another source of light. René finds a matchbox, but there turns out to be only one unused match lefter in it. When he lights it, they must keep the fire burning somehow and grabs monsieur Alfonse's deposite box with all his money. In desperation, he sees his money buring, but this lets monsieur LeClerc blow open the door, so they can get out of to vault to the waiting Michelle and Crabtree.

  • Note: In this episode, Michelle's codename when calling London on the radio is revealed to be "Bluetit".

[edit] The Reluctant Millionaires

While Edith and monsieur Alfonse are hiding the money from the bank robbery in the backroom (behind the cuckoo clock), monsieur LeClerc brings down a gramophone and some records for René from the attic. When Yvette has provided the horn for it, Edith comes out into the café and ask what they are doing. René explains that he is worried about monsieur LeClerc's paino playing and thinks Edith should be accompanied by gramophone music instead. He suggests a record with a large orchestra, conducted by Toscanini. As there is already a singer on the record (Jeanette Macdonald) René and Yvette fool Edith (who is tone deaf) into thinking that their voices are very similar and that when Edith sings so quietly that one in fact cannot hear her voice over Macdonald's, she thinks nobody can tell who is singing - her or Macdonald. This way, René can stop Edith from singing without her noticing it.

Herr Flick barges into colonel Von Strohm's ante room and very grumpily asks Helga for general Von Klinkerhoffen. Since he has not yet returned from maneuvers, he tells her that he has been to the bank, where one million of his money has been stolen. He also sees the strange "coincidence" (or connection if you will) that it is the exact amount demanded by the communist resistance as ransom for the German officers.

At the café, Michelle tells René, Edith and monsieur Alfonse that the money stolen from the bank is not to be used to pay the ransom, since the funds of her own resistance group are low and they need the money. At first, they will not agree to this, but once they do, they sit down to divide the money between the four of them. René starts handing out one note to Michelle, one to monsieur Alfonse and five to himself and Edith (since there were five of them robbing the bank - himself, Edith, Yvette and monsieurs LeClerc and Alfonse). When Michelle points out that monsieur Alfonse already is receiving money, René starts over but with four notes for himself. When Eidht points out that they should include Mimi in the counting, the others d not want to recognise her. The next moment, Yvette enters the room and tells them all to go into the town square, where there are strange things afoot. There, they see a very small German soldier, in an overcoat and helmet, walking across the square. As the soldier approaches them, they see that it is Mimi, who explains that she has managed to escape while the Germans under the geneal launched an attack on the communist resistance. They managed to escape, but the Germans and the Italian soldiers were rescued from captivity.

When she has gone upstairs, officer Crabtree enters the café and informs the gang that there was a witness to the bank robbery. This witness has even "drawn poctures of the sispocts", which nobody has yet seen, since he has not "pinned them on the beard in the poloce station". He also tells them that the money belongs to the Gestapo and René therefore urges him to take it back to the bank. However, he cannot do this and when, at the next moment, monsieur LeClerc enters the café and tell them all that the German officers are approaching, they quickly need to find a place to hide the money and put them down René's trousers. Lieutenant Gruber notices the rustling sound from the trousers and when the colonel orders him to keep René under surveillance, he follows him into the backroom, where he discovers all the banknotes (except for two that Michelle has nicked and vanished with), since René is taking them out of his trousers. René explains where the got the money and why they stole it. Gruber is speechless with gratitude for the thought that they rob the bank in order to raise the money for the ransom. In order for René not to be captured by the Gestapo, Gruber realises he must not keep the money. Therefore, he picks up the paintings (which he have hidden down his trousers and thinks are the originals even though they are forgeries) and passes them to René, putting them down his trousers. He then takes the money and puts it down his own trousers.

General Von Klinkerhoffen is sitting in the colonel's office, when colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli are shown in to him. He asks them for a description of the communist girls, but nobody remembers them very well. The general is very cross with them all.

Edith is cross with René for giving the money to Gruber. However, René thinks it best, so the money cannot be traced to them. He gives her the paintings, which the Germans will be wanting later (since they think they are the originals; the real originals are down Mimi's trousers). When Edith has left the backroom, there is a knock in the window. René thinks it is Michelle as usual, but it turns out to be Denise Laroque, who needs to find a place to hide. René therefore asks Mimi to come into the room and tells her of the situation. Reluctantly, she agrees to hide the communist Denise in her room. After they have left, there is another knock on the window and this time, it is Denise's assistant Louise, who also needs a hiding place. As Edith enters the room, René asks her to hide Louise, which she agrees to do. As Louise is leaving the room, he tells René that there are fifteen more resistance girls looking for cover. This makes René rather nervous and he therefore starts nailing down the window in order not to be able to let anybody else in.

As he is doing this, Yvette comes in and tells him the officer group (colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli) have entered the café, looking for the communist resistance girls. Fortunately, they have not seen Denise and Louise. As René goes out into the café and find the officers sitting at a table there, Edith prepares to start singing. However, since monseiur LeClerc accidentally drops all the records, he happens to play the wrong one on the gramophone player. Edith must therefore mime to Paul Robeson's Ol' Man River instead.

[edit] A Duck for Launch

René goes out into his backyard to feed the long distance duck. Doing this, he discovers that it has given birth to five ducklings. Yvette joins him and reminds him that they could run away to Paris with all the money they have stolen from the bank. However, she becomes very upset when she learns that René has given the money to lieutenant Gruber. As he tries to comfort her, Edith walks in on them and he explains to her that Yvette was faint from hunger. Edith then gives her some potato peels to eat, to "build up her strength".

Herr Flick receives a telephone call from Himmler, who has heard about the Gestapo's money being stolen. Although herr Flick informs him that the money was forged, Himmler orders him to retrieve it, as it concerns "the principle of the thing". During their conversation, Von Smallhausen has entered the room and herr Flick has ordered him not to listen. He has put his fingers in his ears and shut is eyes and therefore does not notice that the call is over. Herr Flick reminds him by hitting him over the head with a stick. He does this repeatedly as he works out a plan to retrieve the money, since he does this by asking Von Smallhausen questions and he constantly answers incorrectly. Herr Flick comes to the conclusion that sooner or later, one of the thieves will spend the forged money on food and they will therefore disguise themselves as market traders. The first one to spend forged money on their goods, they will capture and interrogate.

Helga, liutenant Gruber and colonel Von Strohm are gathered in the colonel's office, counting the money. It turns out to be 975,000 francs and none of them knows what has happened to the remaining 25,000. Gruber thinks they should hand them over anonymously to herr Flick and be done with the matter, but the colonel is not very keen on that idea. Instead, he starts splitting the money between the three of them, giving two notes to Gruber, two to himself and one to Helga in each count, because she is a woman. She does not like this and grumpily tells him "I am a woman with a big mouth", after which he starts handing out two to her too. The next moment, captain Bertorelli walks into the office. Discovering that they are splitting the money, he also asks for a share, which the colonel reluctantly gives him. However, when a private soldier enters the room, wanting to be in on the deal, he is ordered to leave, if he does not wish to be sent to the Russian front.

At the café, Michelle knocks at the front door. She is disguised as a window cleaner and tells René, who comes out to her, that the resistance group in Abbeville has managed to photograph the invasion plans and that she has the microfilm. She hands René a parcel, informing him that the film is attached to the back of the stamp, which he is to steam off and then attach to the duck. He tells her of the problem that the duck now has five ducklings - that they will be wanting to be near their mother and that the mother probably will be reluctant to leave her children. Michelle does not care - the duck must leave that same day!

Edith is about to go shopping for food and she complains that the hidden resistance girls are eating her out of the house. Secondly, she asks if Denise Laroque is the same Denise Laroque who wanted to marry René. He says she is not and Edith is happy with the answer. As she leaves, she gives him three sandwiches to give to her mother. As he takes them upstairs, he is first pulld into one cupboard by Denise, who wants to make love to him and eats one of the sandwiches. When he finally gets out of that cupboard, he is soon pulled into another by Louise, who eats the other sandwich. Mimi then peaks out of the grandfather clock, but he manages to avoid her. However, the encounters with the girls have been tiresome for him and he therefore eats half of the last sandwich himself.

Meanwhile, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as fishmongers and enter the town square, trying to sell their wares. At first, they are approached by officer Crabtree, who buys some winkles from them. However, as he does not spend any notes, only coins, he is not suspected. A few moments later, monsieur Alfonse pays his respects to Edith, as they meet in the square. He has been to the hairdressers and, unbeknownst to him, has there received some of the forged notes (sine Michelle spent some of them there). When he approaches the fishmongers, wanting to buy some fish, he spends one of them and is promptly arrested by the herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen, who drag him away to the Gestapo headquarters. Edith spots them doing this and hurries into the café.

René gives the last half-sandwich to Fanny, who angrily starts whipping him with a belt, since he is so arrogant to her. Edith rushes in and stops her. She then tells René and Fanny the terrible news of monsieur Alfonse's arrest. Soon, Michelle, Yvette and Mimi also join them and Michelle already knows. She then uses the radio to contact London, asking for two pairs of 15-denier stockings and a pack of suicide pills. London in return asks if the duck is ready, which it is. London then urges them to send the invasion plans with the duck immediately and René and Edith therefore brings its cage into the town square. However, it is reluctant to leave and they, Crabtree and other people in the square charge after it to make it take off.

[edit] The Exploding Bedpan

Edith enters the café and tells René that it is time to feed the ducklings, but she has no fountain pen filler to feed them with. René then suggests she use her mother's ear trumpet. As the ducklings start to faint because of hunger, she brings them upstairs to her mother's room. When she has left, Yvette enters the café, having bought waitress suits for Denise and Louise, so they can be disguised this way. They manage a quick cuddle, but René sneezes from the flowery hat, that Yvette has bought for herself. When she has also gone upstairs, Mimi comes out from the kitchen and also wants a cuddle with René. However, he manages to stop this, as somebody is coming down the stairs. Mimi goes back into the kitchen, but René has to deal with the person coming down the stairs - who turns out to be Denise. She complains about the clothes that Yvette has broght her, saying she cannot be expected to wear such rags. She also wants a quick cuddle with René, after which she asks him to join her at midnight. When she has once again gone upstairs, Louise comes in from the backroom, also wanting to cuddle with René and wanting him to join her at midnight too. When she has gone upstairs, René asks himself if there is anybody who can resist him - the moment after which lieutenant Gruber walks into the café, followed by colonel Von Strohm.

The Germans explain to René that 25,000 of the 1,000,000 francs were missing and that they have been traced to the undertaker, monsieur Alfonse, who is now in the hands of the Gestapo. In order for Alfonse not to give them away under torture, he must be silenced and the Germans therefore order René to bake a small pastry and put a suicide pill inside it, to give to monseiur Alfonse. If he refuses, he must take the pill himself, since he is next in line to be interrogated by the Gestapo.

At the Gestapo headquarters, Von Smallhausen tries to interrogate monsieur Alfonse, but he does not manage to wrigle much information out of him. Helga takes over and orders Von Smallhausen to leave. When he has done so, she reveals to monsieur Alfonse that she has one quarter of the money, in her bosom, and that she wishes to help him to escape. When she picks out a hacksaw from under her skirt, monsieur Alfonse gets a good look at her black suspenders, which makes his dicky ticker kick in. Both Helga and herr Flick (who enters the room the next moment) think he has a heart attack and rush him to hospital.

At the café, Edith has baked a pastry and put the pill in it. As she comes out from the kitchen, officer Crabtree comes by and wants to talk to London on the radio. The three of them therefore go upstairs to Fanny's bedroom. When she spots the policeman, she tells him that some "villain" has stolen her ear trumpet and asks Edith for her lunch. However, they do not care about her for the moment, as they are about to contact London. However, while they are doing so, Fanny starts eating the pastry, which Edith carelessly put beside her bed. When Crabtree uses the radio, he gets the wrong number and leaves to check it in his address book. The next moment, Michelle barges in and tells them that monsieur Alfonse has been taken to hospital and that they must get to him before the Gestapo does. Then, they discover that Fanny has been eating the pastry, However, she spits it out when René explains that it was intended for monsieur Alfonse not to be interrogated by the Gestapo. Luckily, the pill is intact.

Michelle then explains her plan to rescue monsieur Alfonse. They will all disguise themselves as ambulance workers and use a patient trolley with a false bottom. There they will have a dummy looking like monsieur Alfonse. They will switch him for the dummy and use René as a cover patient on top of the trolley. Meanwhile, Helga informs colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli of her plan to silence monsieur Alfonse. They will use an exploding bedpan, which is controlled by remote control. It will also contain a microphone, by which those who are to place it under Alfonse can communicate with those who will handle the plunger. At a signal, the "plunger handlers" will count to then and then pull the trigger, making the bedpan explode.

That same night at the hospital, René is lying on a trolley, disguised as a patient, while the others push him to monsieur Alfonse's room, Michelle, Yvette and Mimi being disguised as ambulance drivers, Edith as a nurse and Crabtree as a doctor. When they have found it, they struggle a while to remove the wires by which Alfonse is connected to the heart-beat measuring machine, which beeps by every beat his heart makes. However, they fail to remove them, so they are forced to bring the machine with them, when they have put him on the false bottom of the trolley. Meanwhile, Von Strohm and Gruber, disguised as nurses, look for Alfonse's room, to put the exploding bedpan underneath him. When the café gang have left the room, Edith remembers that they must cover the dummy and everybody therefore leaves the trolley in the corridor. As they do so, a real doctor and nurses find it and think René is a patient who is to be operated on - therefore bringing him into the nearest operating room. When the others return, they naturally find that the trolley is gone, but they think René has wheeled it out of the hospital himself and therefore, they also leave. Meanwhile, the Germans show up, put the bedpan in Alfonse's room and then tell Helga and Bertorelli to pull the trigger, which they do, causing the bedpan to explode. As the explosion is quite near the room where René is to be operated on, the doctor and the nurses think it is a bomb raid by the RAF and run towards the bomb shelters. René and monsieur Alfonse then manage to escape from the hospital themselves.

[edit] Going Like a Bomb

In the middle of the night, René comes home to the café wearing nothing but a hospital operating gown, after having walked all the way from the hospital. He is soon interrupted by lieutenant Gruber, who informs him that he and colonel Von Strohm have killed monsieur Alfonse with the exploding bedpan. Gruber wants to celebrate that they are all "in the clear", but René manages to kindly make him leave the café, so that he can close it. However, Yvette comes down the stairs and they have a quick cuddle. Edith also comes down and walks in on them. After René has managed to explain the situation, they all go to bed.

Helga and Von Smallhausen are both waiting quietly in herr Flick's headquarters, while he is talking on the telephone. When ha has hung up, he tells them that monsieur Alfonse is dead, but they have no lead concerning the whereabouts of the money, which is forged. Helga is somewhat distraught to learn that the money is forged, but manages to explain to herr Flick that she is upset because he is upset. Herr Flick then orders Von Smallhausen to investigate monsieur Alfonse's mortuary by being smuggled into it disguised as a corpse. Von Smallhausen protests that he will not be able to keep still enough to pass as a corpse, but when herr Flick tells him that he will be injected with a drug that will make him appear dead for 24 hours, he faints just from seeing the big needle herr Flick picks out.

Helga rushes to the colonel's office, where she informs him, the lieutenant and captain Bertorelli that the money is forged. After they have all put their shares on the table, they soon decide to take it back where it came from - that is to say to the café. They also decide it will be done in the same way that it was taken away from there - stuffed down somebody's trousers. They soon decide to let captain Bertorelli do it and forcily stuff the money down his trousers. The colonel then orders Helga to inform him when he is on his way to the café - by which time he will tell the Gestapo so they will arrest him. This way they will be rid of both the money and the Italian captain.

Officer Crabtree enters the café and tells René and Edith that Michelle is in the town square with a new escape plan for the British airmen. He gives her a secret signal, after which she comes out of the kitchen door. She then tells the whole gang (René, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and Crabtree) that the Germans will soon start using a new secret weapon - a very big bomb, which is a new type of landmine. The resistance have managed to grab two of them, which are so big that a person could sit inside one of them, once the explosives have been removed. This has been done with the two mines in question, which are brought into the café. The plan is for the airmen to sit inside the mines, which will be loaded onto a German plane. When the mines are dropped over England, they will quickly unscrew the lids, using spanners, and then open the parachutes they will be wearing. While she and Crabtree have been explaining this plan to the café gang, one of Michelle's girls has explained it to the airmen upstairs. Secondly, she tells them that the parachutes will be delivered, disguised as pillows, by one of their agents, disguised as a pillow stuffer. When Michelle has left, René and Mimi take the landmines down into the cellar, while the others go upstairs to talk to London on the radio.

In Fanny's room, they discover monsieur Alfonse in her bed. He is hiding there and is still attached to the heart-beat machine. When the bedknobs start flashing, his heart starts beating so much that the machine explodes. Meanwhile, Mimi ask René in the café when the communist resistance girls will leave, since she wants her room back. The next moment, all the girls come downstairs and Denise informs René that they have had a vote and decided to move to Abbeville. When the rest of them have left the café, Louise tells René that she will soon kill Denise and come back to get him - to make him her lover.

In the evening, Helga tells the colonel that captain Bertorelli is on his way to the café. Von Strohm then telephones herr Flick to anonymously tells him that the stolen money can be found in the trousers of the person with feathers on his head (captain Bertorelli is always wearing a hat with cockerel feathers), who in turn can be found at the café. However, when he makes the call, he is only met by herr Flick's answering machine, so the colonel records the message on it. When he is done, Gruber points out that if herr Flick does not receive the message quickly enough, he will arrest René - who knows too much. The three of them therefore hurry to the café.

While Edith sings in the café, René and Yvette have time for a quick cuddle in the backroom. When Edith has finished, captain Bertorelli enters the café. He tries to tell Edith that he wants to return the money but sine he, in several ways, "beats about the bush", she misunderstands his words and thinks he wants to take advantage of her "intimate services". When he says he wants to give her one million francs, she thinks it is the price he wants to pay for her services and faints at hearing such an enormous sum. René rushes in and asks what is the matter, whereupon Bertorelli tells him clearly that he wants to return the money. While Mimi takes Bertorelli into the kitchen to have the money hidden there, René manages to wake Edith up and takes her upstairs to rest.

When the Germans enter the café, they think Bertorelli has not arrived yet and try to warn René, who has quickly come downstairs again. Gruber tells René of their plan and when he informs the Germans of where Bertorelli and the money are, they go into the kitchen to stuff the money down his trousers again. The next moment, the "pillow stuffer" (who is, of course, monsieur LeClerc) enters the café. He gives René the two disguised parachutes and attempts to leave, when herr Flick enters the café. Since LeClerc is disguised as a pillow stuffer, he has many feathers on him - among other places in his hat. Herr Flick therefore thinks he has the money and attempts to arrest him. When René will not vouch for him, LeClerc spread feathers all over herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen and escapes from the café in the commotion. The two Gestapo officers chase after him.

[edit] Money to Burn

René is practicing his piano playing, since monsieur LeClerc has been arrested by the Gestapo. Edith comes down with her sheet music and as she wants to practice, they sing a song together. When she tells him she wants to marry him again, he points out that Denise Laroque is still around, wanting to marry him.

At herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen tells him that he has caught the pillow stuffer, after which two soldiers bring in monsieur LeClerc. Herr Flick wants to search his trousers and after talking about it for a while, he orders Von Smallhausen to "remove the trousers". Von Smallhausen then pulls down his own pants, so herr Flick has to tell him to do it on "the prisoner". LeClerc pulls down his own trousers, revealing that there is no money inside. Herr Flick asks for it, but LeClerc knows nothing of it. However, herr Flick has him locked up anyway.

Colonel Von Strohm, captain Bertorelli and lieutenant Gruber are all gathered in the colonel's office, where he receives a telephone call from general Von Klinkerhoffen, informing him that two landmines have been stolen. Soon after this, Helga enters with serious news. She tells them that LeClerc has been arrested and that if the money is not returned, he will be taken into the town square and shot. The colonel thinks the solution to this is easy - René just has to return the money anonymously and he therefore asks Bertorelli where the money is. He informs them that it is hidden in the café's oven. As the colonel suspects that René might know something about the stolen mines, he asks Gruber to try to get this information out of him.

Edith walks into the kitchen of the café and is surprised to find her mother in there. Fanny tells her that she has been "starving" for too long in her room and has come downstairs to cook herself a baked potato. When René comes in and learns about this, he becomes concerned. When it turns out that Fanny has taken the potato that was concealed behind the cistern in the bathroom, he panics, since that is the camera in which the spy camera is hidden and it is now being baked in the oven, where the forged money is stuffed. As he gets it out, both the potato camera and the money have burned to ashes. When René has tried to tell Fanny off, Yvette comes in and tells him that officer Crabtree is in the café, asking for him.

Crabtree shows René (and the rest of the café gang) a poster, in which it is revealed that LeClerc will be shot unless the money is returned within 24 hours. Yvette suggests they forge more money to give to the Gestapo but René points out that it is the forger who is imprisoned. Mimi points out that LeClerc might reveal them all. The next moment, Gruber is approaching the café and Crabtree leaves by the back passage in the kitchen.

Gruber asks René to return the money to herr Flick, but René tells him what has happened to it. Gruber then asks if he knows anything of the whereabouts of the stolen landmines (which René assures him he does not), because if they are returned, he could very will work out LeClerc's release. When Gruber has left the café, René and Yvette soon go across the town square to where Michelle is staying with the British airmen and the lindmines. She tells the airmen of the plan, which is for them to hide inside the landmines and then, when they are dropped over England, quickly unscrew the nuts that keep the lids on, get out and drop by parachute. As they are practicing this, René and Yvette come in and tells Michelle that they must give the landmines back to the Germans. She refuses and asks them to return the money instead, but when they tell her what has happened to it, she decides they must contact London for help. Fairfaz manages to get out of his mine, but when he pulls the rip cord of his parachute, the whole chute falls off, which makes him less keen on the whole bomb dropping idea.

Helga announces herr Flick to the colonel's office. He informs the three officers in there that orders have come from Berlin that they are to assemble a firing squad to execute monsieur LeClerc in the town square at seven o'clock the next morning. When herr Flick has left, the discuss who is to do it and it is decided, that Bertorelli's troop will act as the firing squad.

The next morning, the squad walks into the town square, while the café gang and officer Crabtree are waiting in the café. It turns out, they asked London for more forged francs, which were to dropped during the night and picked up by Crabtree, but it was dark, cloudy and foggy, so he has not found the money. The next moment, monsieur LeClerc is dragged into the town square and herr Flick announces that if the money is not returned within two minutes, he will be shot. As the squad are preparing themselves, the café gang come outside, where they find Michelle, who tells them that she has markswomen pointing guns at monsieur LeClerc, in order to shoot him if he wants to talk. As he says he will, the woman shoots but misses. The next moment, airplanes are heard overhead and just before the shooting is to take place, the RAF drop the forged money. However, as the bank notes are dropped and come floating down individually, the firing squad and everybody in the town square start grabbing as much money is they can.

[edit] Puddings Can Go Off

René is testing wine to choose a house wine for the café. Soon after Edith has come out and joined him, Yvette opens the door to the backroom, telling them that Michelle wants to see them there. She is disguised as a builder, pretending to repair their window while talking to them. When Edith points out that it is not broken, Michelle breaks one of the panes and starts pretending to mend it. She informs them that when they stole the landmines, they had to remove 1,000 kilograms of explosives from them. This explosives has been hidden in a pudding factury, but unfortunately, the Germans are about to requisition the factory, so they have to move the it. The resistance have decided to move it to the café and disguise it as 500 Christmas puddings. René is not very keen on the idea, but is forced to agree, when monsieur Alfonse calls him on the phone.

At colonel Von Strohm's office, lieutenant Gruber is pouring him some water for a hot foot bath, since his boots are bad for his feet. As Helga comes in and tells them that general Von Klinkerhoffen is outside, the colonel hides behind the curtains, trying to put his boots on, while Gruber tries to hide the bowl of water (but puts it on the colonel's chair) and then receives the general. However, he does not manage to lie to the general about the colonel's whereabouts and the general discovers him behind the curtains, with no boots on. He tries to explain this by saying, that he is exercising to prepare for the invasion of England.

The general tells them that the führer is very upset about hearing about the missing landmines. As they tell him they have reported it to the Gestapo, the general says it is not good enough and that they must take action. Meanwhile, herr Flick receives a telephone call from Hitler himself in his headquarters, when Von Smallhausen enters the room. When herr Flick has hung up the receiver, he tells Von Smallhausen that they are expected to find the missing landmines. As herr Flick has heard that there are strange things going on in the café's larder, he has deviced a plan, according to which they will observe it from the nearby church tower.

Monsieur Alfonse comes to the café with his hearse. As he enters the café, he first asks for a cognac and then has two men bring in a coffin, in which he informs the café gang that there are 58 puddings hidden. Meanwhile, Fanny has come downstairs to go for a walk. As usual, she becomes very upset to see the undertaker, since she is not ready to die yet. She rushes upstairs again. René does not want the coffin, but since there are Germans approaching, they are forced to quickly hide it in his cellar. Monsieur Alfonse tells him that he has another five coffins with a total of 290 puddings in them. However, René manages to prevent him from bringing them to the café. As monsieur Alfonse is leaving, Fanny throws flower pots at him from a window on the first floor and he quickly drives away in his hearse. Meanwhile, Helga enters herr Flick's headquarters lookin for him. He and Von Smallhausen then reveal themselves - disguised as monks.

Edith sings a song at the café, driving away all the customers. She blames the pianist and drives him away. After this, she is very upset and asks for smelling salts. However, since they have run out, René tells her to stuff mothballs up her nose. She goes upstairs to do this, and René and Yvette have time for a quick cuddle in the café. However, they are soon interrupted by officer Crabtree, who delivers another two puddings. After he has left through the back passage, Edith comes down feeling very refreshed. The next moment, a girl, looking rather pregnant, enters the café. It seems as though René is the guilty one and when five more girls, in the same state, enter the café, both Edith and Yvette become very suspicious. However, it turns out that the girls come from the resistance and have two puddings each under their cloaks. Monsieur LeClerc tries to deliver another seven to the café, but René drives him away.

The airmen are practicing their escape and when René comes in to them, Michelle tells him that they will leave that same night, but that René must hide them in his cellar until then. When René says he wants no part of it, Michelle urges him at gunpoint to do it. The airmen, looking like French peasants, are brought to the café.

Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen have entered the church tower, but find no way to get up to the small windows through which they will spy, even when putting on their "magnifying hats" (helmets with binoculars attached to them). However, they do discover the bell ropes and try to ascend by climbing them. This results in their flying up and down for a while, after which herr Flick finds himself hanging by the bellfry, when Helga enters the room. He tries to get down and eventually does so, by swinging himself down by the bell rope. However, at the same time, one of the bells falls down - over Von Smallhausen, trapping him underneath it.

  • Note: In this episode, René does not give the audience a résumé of the last episode, but tells it to his wife instead.
  • Note: In this episode, we once again find Phoebe Scholfield playing one of Michelle's resistance girls, after she has played a communist resistance girl a few episodes earlier.

[edit] Land Mines for London

It is half past one in the morning and René is down in the cellar, packing the exploding Christmas puddings in wine crates, while having the British airmen hidden in two barrels next to him. Yvette comes down and wants a cuddle with him. As they embrace, she puts her candle on the table, where it accidentally lights the fuse of one of the puddings. When René discovers this, he rushes upstairs with the lit pudding, meeting Edith, who has come downstairs from their bedroom. He hands her the pudding and puts it out with a soda spray, soaking Edith.

Herr Flick and Helga are preparing to free Von Smallhausen from under the church bell. However, it has taken one hour and they fear he has suffocated. Fortunately, they hear life signs from him and as they slip him a slice of ham through the crack under the bell, he quickly grabs it. Having tied a rope to the bell, they manage to pull the bell up and while doing this, herr Flick reveals to Helga that while suspended at the top of the tower, he saw the landmines in the builders yard next to René's café. When they have lifted the bell, they find Von Smallhausen looking squashed and as he is now below the minimum height required for Gestapo agents, herr Flick says he wants his resignation in the morning.

Colonel Von Strohm is practicing golf puts in his office, when lieutenant Gruber enters and tells him that he has not found the landmines. The next moment, Helga enters and tells them that herr Flick has found the landmines in the builders yard. This, the colonel will tell general Von Klinkerhoffen.

Mimi is writing the new menu for the café, but when Edith discovers René leaning over her to correct her spelling, she grumpily orders Mimi out into the kitchen. She then reveals to René that it is because she becomes jealous whenever she sees him with another woman. As they talk about their relationship and their feelins for each other, they are interrupted by Michelle, who knocks at the front door. When they have let her in, she tells them that the landmines will be transported to the warehouse, from which they will be flown to England, that same night, so the airmen must be inside them by six o'clock in the evening.

Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen go into the builders yard, where they find the landmines. They also discover that the explosives has been removed from them and that instead there are parachutes inside. They hide inside the landmines, in order to reveal themselves when they hear French voices around them, so they can capture and interrogate whoever is near. Meanwhile, captain Bertorelli is exercising his men in the town square, when Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga walk by, into the builders yard. When they find the landmines, the colonel orders for them to be delivered to the airbase and they decide that Bertorelli's men are to do it. Therefore, they go back into the town square and give them this task. The Italians are all lead into the yard, but when the soldiers learn that the mines are full of explosives, they all run away.

Edith brings Fanny her lunch and she complains about the British airmen. Edith assures her, that the airmen will be gone by the evening, but she still thinks the British are no good, after what they did to the French at Azincourt and to Napoleon and what the Scarlet Pimpernel did during the French revolution.

Michelle gathers René, monsieur LeClerc and Mimi in the backroom and tells them that the Germans have discovered the whereabouts of the landmines and taken them to the airbase. However, since they know exactly where the mines are stored, the airmen will be delivered inside their barrels to the base. There, they can climb into the empty landmines. The barrels will be "disguised" as beer barrels for the officers' mess, but since no women are allowed in the base, René and LeClerc will have to make the delivery. They point out that they cannot go, due to the curfue, but Michelle says they will be escorted by officer Crabtree - who will be disguised as a policeman. While Yvette is down in the cellar, feeding the airmen, Michelle comes down and informs them of the plan.

That same night, René, LeClerc and Crabtree deliver the beer barrels and are easily let into the airbase. Meanwhile, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen peek out of the mines, in which they are hidden, thinking they are in the headquarters of the resistance. They keep hiding, but will pop out when they hear voices in French. The next moment, the three Frenchmen enter the landmine store, with the barrels containing the airmen. However, before they get out of the barrels and before the whole gang discover that the Gestapo agents are inside the empty landmines, they hear German voices approaching. René, LeClerc and Crabtree hide, while some workers come and remove the mines, to put them aboard a bomb plane. Now that the mission has failed, the three of them get out of the store and leave the airmen behind.

Two German air pilots are approaching England and think they should just drop the bombs in the sea and return, since they do not think it is worth it to risk their lives for "that carpet chewing house painter Hitler". Thinking they are free of the Gestapo, start singing a rather mean song about the German nazi leaders, when herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen turn up outside the front window of the plane and the pilots find that the Gestapo are everywhere.

  • Note: This episode contains an anachronism. When Fanny is complaining about the British, Edith says "Mama, I always thought you voted conservative!" However, this episode is set sometime during the time 1941-1943 and French women were not allowed to vote until 1944 and 1945.

[edit] Flight to Geneva

René informs the audience that he now has 258 exploding Christmas puddings down in his cellar. The next moment, Edith comes out from the backroom, telling him that Michelle is in there, wanting to speak to them all. Therefore, the two of them and Yvette and Mimi go in there. Michelle tells them of the new plan for getting the airmen back to England, which is for the British navy to send a midget-submarine up the canal at midnight. Two men will be driving it, but since it is only a two-man submarine, the airmen will sit astride it, wearing diving helmets. René does not like the idea and thinks he has had enough. When the others rush off to tell the airmen, he waits behind in the backroom and keeps Yvette with him. He tells her that he has had enough and that he is going to elope with her. They will take the paintings, go to Switzerland and hide in the mountains until the war is over. They have one last cuddle, but after that, they are not even to talk to each other - René will give her a note when he is ready and tell her when the train is leaving.

However, they are interrupted by Helga, who enters the café and announces herself in her usual loud way. She tells René that he is to come with her to colonel Von Strohm's office, bringning the knockwursts with the paintings. As a troop of four guards are sent in, he cannot refuse and gets the paintings.

At the colonel's office, René tells him that the sausages were perfectly safe in his larder until after the war, but the colonel informs him, that general Von Klinkerhoffen has been ordered by Hitler himself to send them to Berlin. As the Führer is taking no chances, he has sent an art expert to have them authenticated, so they cannot send the forgeries. They have even been threatened to be sent to the Russian front and have been fitted out with appropriate clothes, displayed by lieutenant Gruber as he enters the office, in full winter garments, including snow shoes. René puts the suasages (both the originals and the forgeries) on the table and the colonel then informs him, that they have been ordered to shoot the peasant who has been hiding them. However, he gives René a 60 second head start, and René flees through the window.

Helga goes to herr Flick and informs him of what has happened. However, herr Flick talks to his god-father Heinrich Himmler, who tells him that for the last week, Hitler has been camping in the Black Forest with Eva Braun. Therefore, he does not believe that Hitler could have been ordering the painting (herr Flick knows only of The Fallen Madonna and not of The Cracked Vase) to be sent to Berlin. However, the painting is already in the general's possession and after it has been authenticated by the art expert, whom Helga now reveals to be Swedish, from Switzerland, it will be sent to Berlin. Herr Flick then orders Von Smallhausen to come in, informing them both of his plan. He and Von Smallhausen will be on the train, recover the painting and then sell it, after which he and Helga will elope to a tropical island.

Von Strohm fixes his telephone with a piece of chewing gum, so that he and Gruber can hear every word spoken in the office on Helga's telephone. This is so they will be able to find out on which train the paintings will be sent. The next moment, general Von Klinkerhoffen arrives with the Swedish art expert Yoop Hoop de Hoop and the colonel and the lieutenant are ordered out into the ante room. The general knows of the chewing gum trick and thus eliminates that way of listening in on him and the expert. The colonel therefore orders the lieutenant to go outside and climb up to the office window, to hear what is being said in the office. When the general and the expert have finished and let the colonel have his office back, he discovers that Gruber has not managed to climb the ivy, byt instead, Helga has been hiding behind the curtain and heard what has been going on. The paintings have been authenticated, but they are not to be sent to Hitler. The art expert has instead paid the general one million in gold bars (in a suitcase) and will send the paintings to "his client" (who is unknown) in Geneva.

René goes to officer Crabtree in the police station to ask for help, as the general is looking for him. However, Crabtree shows him the picture of him that the general has sent out and it does not look like René. The next moment, the general is approaching the station and René hides under the desk. The general informs Crabtree that the safe in the chateau has been blown up and he must therefore put his suitcase in the police safe. However, nobody is to see what is in the safe and Crabtree is therefore ordered to leave the room, whil the general puts the suitcase in the safe. As he is doing so, René spots the gold bars inside it. The general then keeps the key and then asks Crabtree if there is any spare key, which there is. He takes that one too and leaves. René then tells Crabtree of the gold bars. Crabtree does not think it is a problem that the general has taken "both" keys since he has a drawer with another fourteen spare keys. When the telephone rings and Crabtree becomes occupied with it, René secretly grabs one of the keys, opens the safe and vanishes with some of the gold bars.

In the backroom, René then writes a note for Yvette, telling her that he has "nicked a fortune in gold" and that she is to join him on the 11.15 Geneva Express (including the ticket in the letter). He gives this note to LeClerc and asks him to pass it to Yvette. As he thinks René ought to write a goodbye note to Edith, he does so and gives that to LeClerc too. He then leaves through the window and goes to the station, where he awaits the train.

At the café, Edith finishes her singing - the only one applauding her is monsieur Alfonse, who is a guest at the café. After this, monsieur LeClerc gives her her note. Unfortunately, he mixes them up and gives Yvette's note to Edith. She becomes very excited at this and places the note in the till, after which she leaves for the station. Then, LeClerc gives Yvette her note (which is actually Edith's) and she becomes heartbroken. As the letter also reads "Monsieur Alfonse will make you a fine husband", she slaps him in the face. The next moment, Mimi finds the first note in the till and thinks it is for her.

The colonel goes to the station, disguised as a train guard and manages to lure the real guard away. Helga arrives, disguised as a rich woman, and the colonel repeats the plan to her, which is for her to distract the Swedish art expert and from him get the key to the safe from him, while Von Strohm and Gruber switch the paintings for the forgeries. The next moment, Gruber arrives, not disguised as a dining car attendandt, which was the intention, since he could not find such a uniform. Instead, he is also disguised as a train guard.

As the train has started rolling, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen enter the dining car and orders the two chefs to hand over their uniforms and jump off the train. Meanwhile, the Swedish art expert places the paintings in one of the train's valuable boxes, keeping the key. René finds his compartment and as he enters it, he talks to (as he thinks) Yvette through the curtains of his sleeping berth. However, when he pulls the curtains aside, he discovers Edith there instead.

[edit] Train of Events

René is standing in a railway car vestibule and after buying some time, by telling Edith that he needs to go to "the little boys' room", he goes to find somewhere to hide. Meanwhile, colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are waiting in the baggage compartment for Helga to turn up. When she does so, she tells them that she has not attained to key to the safe box, since she has not been able to locate the Swedish art expert Yoop Hoop de Hoop, who has it on his person. However, she does have the sleeping drug pill, with which she will put him to sleep.

René finds another compartment, where he finds an empty berth, where he can hide from Edith momentarily. The next moment, Mimi enters the compartment and soon finds him, hiding in the berth. As they hear Edith looking for René, they both hide in the berth and when Edith enters the compartment, René makes kissing sounds, fooling her into thinking that that berth is occupied by honeymooners, making her leave the compartment.

Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen, disguised as dining car stewards, are about to put their plan into action. It calls for them to go around and take orders for coffee. When they find the Swedish art expert, they will drug him, take his key, get the paintings, use the emergency break and leave the train. Meanwhile, René and Mimi have a cuddle in their compartment, but René does not think it would be a good idea to elope with Edith chasing after them all the time. As the train slows down, René demands that Mimi jump from it. She is very reluctant, but when they hear Edith approaching, René pushes her off the train.

Helga goes into the dining car kitchen and looks at the reservation plan to find out where the Swedish art expert is staying. When she has found out, she pours two cups of coffee and drugs one of them. Gruber joins her and quickly points out, that the stewards are returning. They are therefore forced to hide and leave the coffee. The herrs find the cups and drink the coffee, Von Smallhausen drinking the drugged one. When Helga and Gruber has found the art expert's compartment, she goes in there, while Gruber is to get the coffee. However, he hears the Gestapo agents approaching and hides in a nearby compartment. As herr Flick enters it, looking for the art expert, he discovers that two of the berths contain nuns and Gruber manages to hide by, speaking in a voice sounding like an old woman, telling him from the berth he is hiding in, that he is a very old nun and that "she" does not want any coffee.

The colonel starts wondering what has become of Helga and Gruber and goes to look for them. René hears him and Edith, who is longing for him, and is forced to hide in another compartment, accidentally ending up in the same berth as Gruber. Meanwhile, the colonel walks by compartment 12b, where the Swedish art expert is staying, and Helga sticks out her leg, with the key tied to one of her toes. When Von Strohm is about to remove it, Von Smallhausen turns up and points a gun at him. However, the next moment, he falls down on the floor, unconscious, so the colonel can take the key without hindrance. Meanwhile, René sneaks out behind him and by the door of another compartment, he discovers Yvette, who apparently is on the train. They go into the nearest compartment to hide in one of the berths - only to discover monsieur LeClerc in there. He tells them that Michelle will drop two exploding Christmas puddings down the funnel of the train when they pass Abbeville. As they are running late, they are due there any moment. Edith shows up and Yvette hides with monsieur LeClerc, but the next second, the train crashes, derails and stops.

The next morning, René tells the audience that he and Edith have returned to the café on the back of a fish lorry. He has no idea how Yvette will get home, but the next moment, she comes rushing through the door on roller skates, telling him that she has skated all the way from Abbeville and so has Monsieur LeClerc. René grabs her and this makes Edith, who comes down the stairs, suspicious. After she has bought René's explanation to why Yvette was in his arms and why she is wearing roller skates. When Yvette has gone into the kitchen, René remembers the gold bars that he stole. Now that he is not in Switzerland, there is a risk of General Von Klinkerhoffen finding out. René therefore wants to put the four gold bars back and is actually glad to see Officer Crabtree, who turns up at the same moment. He already knows that René has stolen the gold bars (he saw him do it), but has jammed the safe lock with glue, so the general will not find out. However, Edith then comes up with the plan of blowing open the safe with one of the Christmas puddings and eloping with all the gold bars.

Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga have returned to Nouvion. Before they left the train, they managed to switch the paintings, after which Helga saw Herr Flick also switching the paintings. This means that the three of them have the originals, the Gestapo has forgeries and the Swedish art expert's client will also receive forgeries. They hide the originals inside a near-life size statue of a black man. As they are all congratulating each other on a job well done, the general enters the office. He says he has a task for Gruber, which is for him to use his little tank to transport the police station safe to his chateau, because somebody has jammed the lock and he wants to keep the safe under observation. As he is leaving, he observes the statue and decides he wants it, taking it with him right away.

While René and Edith (assisted by Crabtree) are in the police station, to blow open the safe, Gruber finds Captain Bertorelli and his men in the town square and asks their assistance in removing the safe. When Edith has lit the fuse, Crabtree tells her and René that Gruber is approaching. They try to put out the fuse, but it is too late - it is burning inside the plastic explosives and as they do not hear it fizz anymore, Edith assumes it has gone out. As the Italians are placing the safe in Gruber's tank, he offers René to have a ride with him to the chateau. However, sine René knows what is about to happen, he declines the offer and, in an attempt to rescue the lieutenant from the explosion, offers him a drink in the café, while Captain Bertorelli drives the tank to the chateau. As the captain starts the tank, the safe explodes, demolishing the tank. Gruber is devastated and Bertorelli is slightly shocked, but survives.

[edit] An Enigma Variation

René is sitting in the backroom, painting what looks like a baton. However, he informs the audience that it is the four gold bars, that he stole, which he has melted down into a new weight for the café's cuckoo clock. However, when he hangs it up, it is too heavy for the cuckoo, which starts "cuckooing" far more frequently than it should.

Edith enters the café, showing René her new hat, that she has bought. She says they do not have to think about money, now that they are rich (having, as she thinks, four bars of gold). She tries to find out from René where he has hidden the gold. As he refuses to tell her, she says she will make him tell her - by buying a see-through night gown at madame Lenard's, with which to tease him. When she has gone, Yvette enters the café, showing René her new silk stockings. She also tries to make René reveal where he has hidden the gold and when he refuses, she also decides to buy the see-through night gown at madame Lenard's. As Edith told René that she only had one left, he tells her to order it by telephone, when colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and private Geerhart (Helga) enter the café to have a "serious talk with [René]". Yvette just misses the night gown and is very down-hearted because of this.

Gruber is a bit sad over the loss of his little tank and "the finger of suspicion" is pointing at René. However, they have decided not to investigate the whereabouts of the missing gold bars, if René helps them. They inform him that general Von Klinkerhoffen has taken the statue in which they have hidden the paintings and placed it in the chateau. However, he is to give a party for the generals who are planning the invasion of England and at this party, "The Excelsior Quartet" will be playing. However, René and the rest of the café gang will take their place, set up the orchestra near the statue and nick the paintings while pretending to play (by touching their instruments while Helga plays a grammophone record in a nearby room).

Von Smallhausen, being only a provisional member of the Gestapo, has applied for grade 3 officer. Herr Flick is the executor when he takes the test and he manages the question test (in which he has chosen the subject "Hitler"), but fails the physical test, only by showing his body. Then, herr Flick tells him about the general's party and that he thinks this is another meeting for planning the assassination of Hitler. Therefore, the two of them are to disguise themselves and join the party, in order to take names and photographs of those present.

Fanny has learned that René has a fortune in gold and is therefore very friendly towards him, thinking Edith ought to marry him at once. As the whole café gang gathers in Fanny's room, London calls on the radio, informing them that the Germans have a new machine for coding messages, called "Enigma". They are further instructed to tell Michelle to steal it from the chateau. Suitably, monsieur LeClerc enters the room, telling them that Michelle is downstairs, wanting to talk to them.

Downstairs, Michelle is glad to hear the news that they are to be disguised as "The Excelsior Quartet", giving them a good pretext to enter the chateau. Mimi will be concealed inside the double base case, sneak off to the room where the Enigma machine is and throw it out the window, where it will be captured by waiting resistance girls. With this, she is satisfied and leaves, after which Edith comes up with the plan of concealing a person inside the piano, place it near the statue and that way easily nicking the paintings. However, René does not think it will work, since he will play the piano, Edith will play the violin and monsieur LeClerc will play the cello whil Mimi is hidden in the case. Yvette volunteers to hide inside the piano, but they would still need somebody to open its lid and somebody to play the double base. They are short of two people, but at that same moment, two people enter the café - officer Crabtree and monsieur Alfonse.

At the party, Gruber places the piano near the statue and informs Von Strohm of the café gang's plan. The next moment, "The Excelsior Quartet" enters (LeClerc and Crabtree in suits, Edith also in a suit and with a moustache and René in a gown). They take their places by their instruments, while Yvette and Alfonse are hidden inside the piano. Meanwhile, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen also attend the party, disguised as waitresses. Von Smallhausen has a camera hidden under his left boobie, to capture pictures of everyone at the party. Michelle is also there, disguised as a German private. While the gang are playing, she tells Mimi that the coast is clear and that she should come out of the case. However, she cannot, since the case is locked. Secondly, Crabtree, who was supposed to have the key, has lost it, so Mimi cannot get out. She then crasches her feet through the case wall and punches three holes in the lid (two for her arms and one to see through). Then, she goes into the general's office to steal the Enigma machine.

The general complains that Gruber has placed the piano in front of the statue, so nobody can see and admire it, and therefore has it moved. When René tells this to Yvette and Alfonse, they lift the piano and walk towards the statue with it. However, half way there, they stop, because the elastic of Yvette's nickers snaps. She therefore has to walk on with her nickers areound her ankles and this makes monsieur Alfonse's dicky ticker set in. While Mimi finds the Enigma machine and drops it out a window, Yvette and Alfonse manage to nick the paintings. René then advices against Edith's singing the song they are playing (Louise), but instead, Crabtree starts singing it, in his broken French.

[edit] Wedding Bloss

  • Original airdate: February 11, 1989
  • Written by: John Chapman & Ian Davidson
  • Directed by: Richard Boden
  • Produced by: David Croft
  • Episode length: 25 minutes

René is in the backroom, jamming the little door to the cuckoo on the cuckoo clock and hiding the paintings (concealed in packages of spaghetti) down his trousers, when Yvette enters the room. They have a quick cuddle, when Edith walks in on them. René explains the situation by telling her he is teaching Yvette to dance. When she has left, Edith informs René that monsieur Alfonse has just proposed to her. He complains that she is already his wife, but she points out, that she is the widow of his dead twin brother and technically, they are not married.

They both go out into the café, where they meet monsieur Alfonse. He also does not think they are married and he goes upstairs, where he will ask permission to marry her from her mother. When he has gone, Michelle enters the café. She tells René and Edith that London wants them to initiate "Operation Waterloo", the new plan by which to send the British airmen away. For the moment, they are "hanging around" the café, disguised as coats on the clothes rack. Michelle then tells them that the midget submarine will be around to collect them soon. She also gives them instructions, written on paper. In order for them not to fall into enemy hands, they will eat them, but they start chewing on them before they have read them, so Michelle has to tell them to read them first.

Colonel Von Strohm is in his office, trying on a new wig, when general Von Klinkerhoffen is announced. The colonel hides the wig in his desk drawer. When the general enters the room, there is a person with him, carrying a mine detector. The general orders him to go outside and the colonel, not knowing what a mine detector is, points out, that the office has already been hoovered. The general tells him what it is for and that it can also detect metal. The colonel assures him that there is no hidden metal in the office, but the general is not convinced. As they are talking, the lamp on the table is moving, without their noticing it, as if to "hear" what they are saying. The general also looks in the desk drawer and, thinking that the wig is a rat, beats the wig until it is "dead".

It turns out, that somebody was listening in on them, namely the two Gestapo agents Otto Flick and Engelbert Von Smallhausen. Herr Flick suspects that the general has lost some gold and that René is the guilty party, since he is the only one who would dare to do it. In order to interrogate him, they will lure him into talking, by making Helga pose in lustful clothes before him. Von Smallhausen is therefore sent to get her.

When monsieur Alfonse is asking Fanny's permission to marry Edith, René enters the bedroom and asks Edith to marry him instead. Not listening to monsieur Alfonse's protests, he decides to go and book the registry office for the next day. Edith points out that the mayor is dead and the deputy mayor turns out to be - monsieur Alfonse, who is not at all happy about marrying the womans he loves to the man he detests.

Herr Flick is playing the violin, when Helga is brought into his headquarters. She is dressed in a robe and when herr Flick asks her if she is wearing something "teasing and tentalising" underneath, she says no - and she will not show him. He asks Von Smallhausen what she is wearing and he says he will not tell either, but he tells him of the effect it has had on him - and lets out a scream. When he has left, herr Flick asks Helga to show him his technique and then she reveals what she is dressed in underneath - making him also let out a scream.

At the café, René gives the paintings, in the spaghetti packages, to colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber. He also gives them some "empty" packages. The next moment, captain Bertorelli enters the café, wanting to play with the girls, but René says no to this. Then, Edith comes down showing how she will be dressed at the civil wedding. The colonel asks what wedding she is talking about and when she tells them that she and René are getting married, Gruber is somewhat upset to once again hear that René, whom he fancies, is to be married to another. He laves the café, but Bertorelli is glad to hear of this news and promises to make the wedding breakfast. Therefore, he picks up the packages of spaghetti and wants to cook them. The colonel saves the paintings by saying they are dynamite.

Later that night, Edith is preparing a special surprise for René in the backroom. However, he comes in and tells her he is going out on his stag night. While they are talking about this and René tells her not to use any of the Christmas puddings (since they are plastic explosives), Mimi, Michelle and Yvette peak in, all dressed as rough working men, and tells René to join them for the stag night. Then, monsieur LeClerc enters the room, dressed in a dyving suit. He is soon followed by the airmen, also dressed in dyving suits. They go out through the window, going off to launch "Operation Waterloo". René then goes off to his stag night.

The next morning, Edith is glad and cheerful, but René comes downstairs with a pakc of ice over his head - aching from a hangover. When Edith has gone upstairs, Helga enters to try to drive René wild with lust and desire. However, this is to no avail, since he is too hung over to take any interest. She angrily leaves the café, bumping into officer Crabtree, who enters. He informs René that "Operation Waterloo" has failed, since the tide went out and the submarine is stuck on a sand bank. However, London will soon drop a collapsible dinghy, for another plan to be carried out.

At the mayor's office, monsieur Alfonse performs the wedding service, but he cannot make himiself say the words "man and wife" - his dicky ticker sets in. After he has been allowed to sit down and given a brandy, it is decided they should all return to the café. On doing so, captain Bertorelli complain that they are too early. It is pointed out, that monsieur Alfonse can perform the ceremony in the café, but before he can complete it, Bertorelli announces that it is time to eat. He begins with his surprise - which turns out to be four Christmas puddings that he found in the cellar. Not knowing that they are plastic explosives, he lights them. When the others do not manage to put them out, René throws them out into the square, where they explode - right next to Gruber's new "big tank".

[edit] Down the Drain

René is in the backroom, packing a few belongings in a suitcase, since he has decided to elope to Switzerland with Yvette. She enters the room and puts some of her belongings in the suitcase. Secondly, she asks about the gold and, thinking that René is hiding it on his person, she starts tickling him. As she is doing so, Edith walks in on them and René tells her that Yvette is looking for the key to the wine cellar, after which she is sent into the kitchen with some dirty dishes. Edith says she does not trust Yvette and that she wants her to leave. René can truthfully say she will be gone the same day. Edith then also says she wants to know where the gold is hidden, but before René is forced to tell her, Mimi enters the backroom, announcing that colonel Von Strohm has arrived, with two soldiers and general Von Klinkerhoffen, wanting to talk to René. They quickly go outside, when a German soldier barges in and forces them.

Lieutenant Gruber, who has also come along, informs René that they have arrived to search the café for the Enigma machine. If it fell into the wrong hands, particularly those of the Gestapo, all the German army's secrets could be revealed. The general informs everybody that anyone trying to leave Nouvion will be shot and leaves the café. The Germans then start searching the café and one of the soldiers finds René's suitcase. Gruber looks through it, but being the way he is, he is not at all surprised to find a woman's undergarments (Yvette's) in it, though René assures them that it contains only "his personal belongings". Gruber also goes upstairs to search Fanny's bedroom. He does not find the Enigma machine, but when looking through her bed, he finds a book entitled "Wheel Chair Jujitsu".

Later, when the colonel and the lieutenant are having a glass of wine, when a girl wants to enter the café. Monsieur LeClerc says she is "one of René's ex-waitresses" and when she is finally let in, on the colonel's orders, René does not recognise her, but she is looking pregnant. When she has revealed herself to be Michelle, she and René go into the backroom, where she delivers the Enigma machine. It was supposed to be dilvered to two Englishmen, who had come along with the midget submarine, but when they landed in France, the went in to a restaurant and got drunk, after which they were arrested and revealed as British. Now, René is to put it in a small wine keg, which he will drop down the hole in the square, made by the exploding puddings. They will then go into the main drain, from where it will be flushed to the outlet of the sewer (when everyone in Nouvion, at a prearranged time, will flush their toilets), where the submarine is waiting. The operation will take place the next morning, when the RAF will create a diversion, by bombing the German headquarters. Michelle also picks up a note with a message, which the British airmen are to deliver to their commanding officer at once. René calls them out of the cupboard, where they are hiding and Michelle gives them the note, after which she leaves.

The next morning, monsieur LeClerc has placed the Enigma machine suitcase in the wine barrel - and drunk the wine to get rid of it. Therefore, he is rather drunk and falls asleep in the café. Monsieur Alfonse also shows up, with a blueprint of the town drains. The café gang (all except monsieur LeClerc) study the blueprint, but monsieur Alfonse is overwhelmed to feel Edith embracing him and Yvette and Mimi showing their nightwear.

When they have all got dressed, Yvette, René and Alfonse go out into the town square and drop the barrel in the hole, which leads down into the sewers. However, somebody has to "push it to the junction". Mimi has volunteered to do this and also comes out, dressed in a dyving suit. They put a rope around her and lower her into the hole, as Edith joins them. However, when they try to pull her back up, the rope slips off her. They try to attach it to her again and pull a second time, but this time, they manage to pull the dyving suit off her instead. However, René manages to grab her feet and pull her up, but as she is not wearing anything, monsieur Alfonse once more becomes overwhelmed by this sight and his dicky ticker sets in.

When they are back in the café, just waiting for everybody to flush their toilets, officer Crabtree enters the café and tells them that the RAF has dropped a bomb on the water works, so there is no water flowing in the drains. However, Edith comes up with a plan to make the barrel float away - to pour wine down the drains. This plan works and the barrel is soon floting away through the sewers. When they are celebrating this, Yvette asks René into the backroom, where she tells him what kind of underwear she had put in the suitcase. She is worried that Edith might find it and René picks up his suitcase to check it. Doing so, they both find that monsieur LeClerc has put the wrong suitcase in the barrel, meaning René's case with his clothes and Yvette's underwear is floating away to be picked up by the British, while they still have the Enigma machine. The next moment, when Michelle arrives to all congratulate them on a job well done, René and Yvette cannot make themselves reveal the mix-up, but keep quiet about it.

  • Note: In this episode, Richard Gibson (Otto Flick), Kim Hartman (Helga) and John Louis Mansi (Von Smallhausen) are credited without appearing.

[edit] All in Disgeese

René is in his larder, sampling cheeses for the café. Meanwhile, Michelle calls for an urgent meeting in the backroom. When René comes up from the larder, he, Edith and Yvette goes in there, while Mimi looks after the bar. Michelle tells the café gang that they are no longer trying to send the Enigma machine to London. Instead, the experts are coming to France, to examine it. The two experts will be dropped by parachute, be disguised as policemen and wiggle their batons in a special way, as a secret sign. As a reply, the café gang are to light a red lamp in Fanny's bedroom window. When the experts have arrived, one of the resistance agents, disguised as a Spanish accordion player, will deliver the machine.

General Von Klinkerhoffen has gathered the other officers (colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli) and Helga in the colonel's office. He informs everybody that Berlin has decided, that if the Enigma machine is not found and returned within 24 hours, the general will be sent to the Russian front. He has, on his own, decided to send the others to the suicide squad of the Afrika Korps before he leaves. He orders the officers to find the machine and if it is not found by the same evening, the six most prominent peasants in Nouvion will be shot in the town square. When the general has left, the colonel decides that at eight o'clock that evening, they will arrest everybody at the café. Gruber does not like the idea and therfore, the colonel confiscates his uniform and confines him to his office, so that he cannot go to warn the café gang.

Edith, Yvette and Mimi are captured and brought before herr Flick. He orders them to take off their clothes - except Edith. Then, Von Smallhausen brings him a kettle with hot water, which he pours into three cups. Herr Flick makes tea by using what he claims to be a German invention (invented by Bern Von Tetley) - a teabag. When they drink it, herr Flick reveals to Von Smallhausen that the tea contains a truth drug, made from the sweat glands of the Patagonian fruit bat. Herr Flick asks them their names and they answer truthfully, which would indicate that the drug is working. However, when he asks them their ages and Mimi answers "18", Yvette answers "19" and Edith answers "nearly 27", he finds that it does not work and releases them.

When René opens the café, he meets officer Crabtree in the door. He tells René that the girls have been kidnapped by the Gestapo. However, a few moments later, they return and tell René that it is true that they were arrested, but that they revealed nothing. The only affect is that Mimi is behaving a little strangely, by having a strong desire to eat fruit, making squeaky noises and wanting to hang upside down. However, they take her into the kitchen, so nobody will see her and get suspicious. As the customers are entering the café, two of them turn out to be the British airmen, who sit down to have a drink. Yvette manages to get them upstairs, by showing them her legs, just in time before several German soldiers enter the café.

One of these soldiers turn out to be lieutenant Gruber, who is wearing Helga's uniform and even one of her wigs. He tells René that if the Enigma machine is not returned within half an hour, René will be shot. The next moment, Helga approaches the café, dressed in a helmet and a big cloak. René hides Gruber by letting him sit at a table, holding up a menu in front of his face. Helga shows René that she is wearing nothing but rather sexy undergarments underneath the cloak and she suspects Gruber of having stolen her uniform. René lets her sit down with a menu in front of her face too.

As Edith comes in from the kitchen, René explains the situation to her. The next moment, Yvette rushes down the stairs and tell them that two policemen are approaching the café. René thinks they are going to arrest him, but when they enter, speaking the same mangled French as Crabtree and wiggling their batons in the special agreed way, they realise that they are the British experts who have come to look at the Enigma machine. While Yvette is sent into the kitchen to get Crabtree, Edith goes upstairs to put the red lamp in her mother's bedroom window.

Crabtree comes in, giving the other policemen the secret baton signal. When Fanny has been downstairs complaining about the red lamp, a fourth policeman (Michelle in disguise) comes in and also gives the signal. She then tells them that the Enigma machine is approaching, disguised as an accordion. The next moment, monsieurs Alfonse and LeClerc enter the café, disguised as Spanish accordion players. They play a serenade to Helga, but when the German officers, including the general, enter the café, René flees into the kitchen and Crabtree tells them to stop playing. He then "arrests" them and all the "policemen" take the "accordion players" into the backroom, where the two experts examine the Enigma machine.

Meanwhile, the officers discover Gruber under his disguise. They also find Helga in her disguise. René tries to sneak out, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, but the general immediately sees through this disguise. He arrests René and orders the colonel to take him outside and prepare him for execution. However, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen show up and at gunpoint, they force the general and everybody else to stay in the café. Herr Flick points his gun at the general, who points his gun at herr Flick. When Von Smallhausen points his gun at the general, he is outmanned by two to one and nobody on "his side" has any gun to keep the balance. Helga even takes off her cloak to show that she is unarmed.

To break the standstill, Crabtree and René come out from the backroom with good news. René tells the Germans that the resistance have "thrown the Enigma machine into his backroom" and thus, it can now be returned to them. Edith brings it out and the general takes care of it. The Gestapo officers, who cannot take credit for having found the Enigma machine, grumpily leave the café and soon after, the German officers also leave, to have a drink at the chateau. Then, the café gang close the café, in order to celebrate too. However, they are interrupted by a knock at the door. When René opens, he finds Mimi outside, hanging upside down in the doorway.

  • Note: In this episode, Edith's full name (Edith Melba Artois) and Yvette's surname (Carte-Blanche) are revealed.
  • Note: This episode marks the last appearance of Jack Haig as Roger LeClerc, since Haig would die a few months later, before the beginning of series 6.
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