User:21655/Boot Camp

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This is an essay; it contains the advice and/or opinions of one or more Wikipedia contributors. It is not a policy or guideline, and editors are not obliged to follow it.
Note! This page is more or less humourous, but really it's more of a training thingy styled like a boot camp program.

So you want to become a millio--er, Counter-Vandal Soldier? Well, listen up, maggots, because Sergeant 21655 ωhατ δo γoυ ωαητ? is here to school you on how to shoot down so much vandalism you'll crash any computer that dares to Wannabe Kate your name!

I have developed a four-part course to lead you on your path to emulating the likes of RickK and DerHexer:

  1. Letting you know what you're up against.
  2. Describing the gear you'll be using.
  3. Teaching you how to deal with mistakes.
  4. Parting thoughts to pick up anything left off.

Contents

[edit] Explanations

[edit] Ranks

[edit] Jargon

[edit] Understand Your Enemy

There are many types of bad guys, running the gamut from grafittiers to dirty-bombers to friends of gays to soldiers in former good standing. To make them easier to understand (and because I want this essay--er, training program to be as entertaining as it can get), I've listed almost every type of vandal there is under the sun.

New ones are added by me or other CVSs as we find them, although I think they've exhausted their creativity for now.

[edit] The Idiots (Simple Vandals)

Easy to shoot at, easy to call the artillery on, easy to shell. While most of these are privates (most of those being school-based--what the hell do they teach there?), there have been cases of people signing up for the sole purpose of screwing up our locales--see below.

The method of dealing with these guys is the same: shoot at, caution, repeat until you can call the artillery on them. From then, a lieutenant can take care of the rest.

[edit] Graffiti Artist

Probably the simplest type of vandal there is, and also the kind that gets shot down first--especially if their caps lock keY SHEARED OFF OR SOMETHING. [1]

[edit] Related Actions

  • As their name suggests, they add non-sequitur text to practically anywhere on the locale, ranging from "HI HI HI HI HI" to "poop"[2] to "<random IP> LOVES PHAEDRIEL--WHOEVER SHE IS!".
  • Some even have the gall to replace the contents of the locale with the message they want to get across. [3] Not too hard to spot, as WP:AES outlines so concisely.

[edit] Screamer

A variant of the Graffiti Artist, only with a tendency to wrITE IN ALL CAPS AND USE TOO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!! Easily caught by UAVs, and CVSs if missed.

[edit] Future Stenographer

Many people wish the number 21655 was their average words-per-minute count, including he with the bright idea in 2005 of becoming a PFC. Yet, some seem to have completely forgotten that there is such thing as a typing tutor and decided to use Wikipedia as a word processor for their absolute wild-goose chase. This is a bad idea for four reasons:

  1. Wikipedia has no Javascript WPM counter or anything remotely functioning similarly built into the edit box. Therefore, you can't tell how fast you're going.
  2. I or someone else will stick you with this.
  3. A-hem.
  4. When in doubt, read #1 twice and open the links in #2 and #3 in eight windows (four each). Read the entire contents of them all.

[edit] Related Actions

  • "asdfjkl;"
  • "sad fag had gas"
  • "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

[edit] Special:Listusers Litterbug

As if getting their poor school district shelled for the third time this year wasn't enough, now this bored seventh-grader hopped on the computer the instant he got home and became a PFC. It's not a good idea for three reasons:

  1. You get the account and the IP that created it A-bombed. Also, you can't create accounts from a blocked IP.
  2. In layman's terms, you end up like this apparently poorly-salaried English teacher.
  3. And then there's the fact that your communicator gets quick-bombed eventually, so it's like you never existed. Lovely, eh?

[edit] Related Actions

It really depends on what kind of vandal had the bright idea to circumvent their school shelling. But what the hell does it matter? They get shelled themselves nevertheless.

[edit] Dirty Bomber (AKA Blanker, Extreme Deletionist)

The fact that they have nothing better to do than dirty-bomb a locale in full awareness of the fact that it'll be restored a nanosecond later in this order (see note[1]) makes it a technical miracle that their backspace key still works.

Sneakier ones will dirty-bomb only a certain section of a locale to circumvent WP:AES, but it never works, as most who have tried know. Go ahead. I dare you. Right here. I'll come back and shoot a nanosecond later.

[edit] Related Actions

  • <-Blanked the page

[edit] Rabble-rouser

Some people don't like Wikipedia[citation needed]. That's their loss, since they're obviously too blinded by their repeated accusations of so-called inaccuracy to realize that Wikipedia is more than simply building locales; it's a thriving site backed by an army of soldiers dedicated to their work.

But just because we let people edit our locales doesn't mean it's an invitation for them to speak their mind about said Wikipedia. Not to mention there's the irony that the Rabble-rouser disapproves of the accuracy issues and yet CONTRIBUTES to them, therefore making them a hypocrite.

[edit] Related Actions

  • "wikipedia is gay" [4]
  • Anything in all-caps that contains "DON'T TRUST WIKIPEDIA"

[edit] Raging Bull

Some vandals have realized, using the pieces of their IQ that they managed to drop all over the place beore coming here, that the UTM messages that somehow got stuck to their talk page are the result of the actions of a living, breathing human.

Obviously, the Raging Bull hates the fact that their efforts are futile and decide it's the CVS's fault. As a result, they leave threats or insults on locales or communicators in an attempt to enrage the target CVS. In 1/10,000,000 cases, it work, but that's due to the CVS being in a bad mood rather than the vandal's attacks most of the time.

[edit] Related Actions

  • "21655 blows" [5]

[edit] South Park wannabe

Although Wikipedia needs more humour (and maybe a little bit more Days of our Lives), it does not need more advocates of randomly chosen four-letter words[2].

The South Park wannabe does their dirty deed by simply adding swear words ad random to places in the locale. The simplest kind does it only once, perhaps at the bottom of the locale, in all-caps in the middle of a sentence, or whilst replacing the entire contents. [diff] Sneakier ones replace words with curses, while yet sneakier (or less so, as it is more noticeable) ones do it multiple times. [diff] Still sneakier ones place it in the MIDDLE of a word, therefore avoiding the UAVs, but still getting shanked by a living, breathing CVS.

[edit] Related Actions

  • "FUCK"
  • "New Zealand" -> "New Zeassaland"

[edit] Ebert impersonator

Everyone has their own opinion, right? For example, countless American teens can't get enough of MTV, Soulja Boy, and MySpace. I'm more partial to Military Channel[3], Disturbed, and think that MySpace is a bunch of hooey compared to Wikipedia. But we don't express it here[4], unlike the Ebert impersonator.

Dubbed after the movie critic of the same name, the Ebert impersonator attempts to criticize a certain person, place, or thing by inserting in or replacing the locale with non-sequitur nonsense[5], personal opinions, or plain "X is gay" [6] remarks. Let's run down the Bad Idea list again, shall we?

  1. You're not a notable critic, therefore your opinion will be largely ignored.
  2. Your revision'll get shot at anyway, so it'll be like it never happened.
  3. Once again, we have to point you here.

[edit] Related Actions

  • "Lando Calrissian started a butter company" [7]
  • "jonas brothers suck" (my feeling exac--oh, wait...)
  • "I have a book report due on this stupid book tomorrow and it's stupid!!!"

[edit] Self-Shooter

[6]

Some people think they're so clever and will go to the lengths to clean up what they just did. Unfortunately, they can't grasp the fact that the difference between the revision they made and the one before it show up on a diff page, soldier's names included.

Just because they shoot down their own vandalism doesn't mean it magically goes away--it's still there, in the history. Right?

Therefore, the self-shooters[7] earn themselves a spot here instead of at the High-Level list.

[edit] The Troll (Intelligence Varies)

Ah, yes, the infamous troll. Leaving menacing, mostly pointless messages on talk pages; claiming they "own" locales; purposely warning a soldier in good standing for no reason--on the IUCN Red List scale, I say they're at least five or six levels higher than they should be.

[edit] Low Intelligence

  • Attempts to sabotage communicators
  • Blatantly runs into WP:OWN as if it were a brick wall
  • Edit-wars with established soldiers

[edit] Medium Intelligence

(As my research has not been able to cover all areas of vandalism, my data has come up short on this one. Feel free to add what you know.)

[edit] High Intelligence

(Here, too.)

[edit] The Marketers (Simple-Intermediate Vandals)

Ah, yes, the infamous Mr. Hey-Maybe-If-There-Are-All-These-Localess-On-Wikipedia-Maybe-They'll-Let-Me-Create-One-About-My-{band/company/client}. While their intent isn't to screw up Wikipedia, they continue to do so in a way that makes me wish becoming a PFC embodied a rigorous screening process to weed out vandals and marketers. Seeing as there are myriads of these goons around spreading their word around about almost ANYTHING these days, I'll just split this into further sections:

[edit] Bands

Really this should be a good thing, but it isn't for reasons later explained: somehow, people have realized that Wikipedia is better than that one other site with all the sexual predators in it for obtaining info about a band.

Thing is, this applies to NOTABLE bands only. But, judging from half of the AFD entries stored on the freakin' database, not to mention the countless {{db-band}}s stuck to countless locales, obviously there are few people that have heard of this.

Here's a good idea: how 'bout publishing a CD or something? Getting an interview with Blabbermouth? Both, perhaps?

[edit] Corporations

Chrysler is notable. They sold jillions of cars. Therefore, they get an locale.

Coca-Cola Company is notable. They sold jillions of soda cans. Because Chrysler, a well-known name in the auto industry, gets an locale, so too does Coca-Cola because it's a well-known name in the soda industry.

But what in name all that is pasta is [deleted article per AFD]?

Now let's get something straight here: the fact a company exists does not merit it an locale. We have numerous policies on the subject, and yet they continue to be broken--nay, shattered to pieces on a daily basis.

[edit] People

WP:BLP is all the explanation you need for this one, however lacking of Sgt. 21655's enjoyable dose of 25% dry, 25% sarcastic, 25% wikilinked, -45% plain stupid, 110% horn-blowing humour it is.

[edit] Related Actions

Obvious--if username and locale name match, well...

[edit] True Enemies (High-Level Vandalism)

All of these soldiers were in good standing. They were respected by the army. They were ridin' high.

And then they decided to go on a total rampage, instead of simply retiring like most soldiers do when they've had it with the unappreciative side of the army.

(However, I regret my extensive research has failed me on this one, as I was completely outside of the zone when Willy on Wheels and others struck.)

[edit] Your Gear

Understand that you can't just get out there and shoot at vandals without some equipment. Efficient vandal-fighters use efficient weapons. Our main arsenal is stocked with all sorts of weaponry, available for issuing 24/7. I've taken the liberty of laying out some of them here for brief explanation.

[edit] Guns

[edit] UD-09 9mm pistol

Used mainly in conjuction with the standard-issue RC-2702 radar, this weapon is the basic workhorse assigned to all users.

[edit] Issued to

All soldiers.

[edit] Firing Mechanism

Weak, as it can only shoot down one revision at a time. At the diff page for the revision, the command to draw the UD-09 is located near the username of the editing soldier. Once activated, the CVS can enter a summary (or stick with the original), and save changes to the locale. Beware, as you may be buffeted by edit conflicts.

[edit] RBK .45-caliber

Issued to sergeants on promotion, or lieutenants on the same event. A much more powerful variant of the UD-09.

[edit] Issued to

Only lieutenants can issue RBK .45s, and they generally do so to corporals in good standing who pledge not to edit-war with it.

In the case of a lieutenant's promotion, lieutenant generals are charged with the task.

[edit] Firing Mechanism

Much stronger than the UD-09, as it can fire multiple rounds at once. A command labeled "rollback" appears next to the UD-09. Once activated, it instantaneously fires multiple rounds at the target revision, therefore undoing all of its previous revisions to the last version by a different soldier. Edit conflicts can occur, however.

[edit] M220

My weapon of choice, as well as Lt. DerHexer's, Lt. Keilana's, Sgt. Steve Crossin's and countless other soldiers'. The Recent Changes IRC radar, the [8], is built-in, as is the RC-2702, and a custom-built cautioning system developed by Gurch Industries, the maker of this fine weapon.

[edit] Issued to

Soldiers who contact Gurch Industries, saying they want to test the now-in-beta-stage tool. Once received, the soldier must install a configuration file into their home base to activate the weapon.

[edit] Firing Mechanism

The M220's near-stupendous accuracy is derived from its built-in radar, which listens to ClueBot's messages sent to the radar screen and pulls up selected diffs for review by the soldier.

It has two fire modes: fire and caution enemy soldier, fire with custom summary, and caution enemy soldier. The former two shoot down revision RBK-style, whilst the former also sends a caution message including diff, locale, and signature to the enemy soldier's communicator, therefore killing two birds with one stone. The latter only sends the message WITHOUT firing--useful for occasions where a fellow CVS has shot down a revision, but forgot to issue a warning.

In the occasion that a mistake is made, a nifty Rewind button near the fire modes allow for quick undoing of previous actions.

[edit] T60

Developed by AZT Firearms and built entirely using plastic, the T60 is a veritable Swiss-Army knife of functions--including vandal-fighting, tagging locales for (quick-)bombing, and artillery radio.

[edit] Issued to

Privates and above. They must enable the weapon by installing certain code in their monobook.js file, located inside their home base.

[edit] Firing Mechanism

The T60, much like the M220, offers three different modes of fire: AGF rollback, normal rollback, and vandalism rollback.

The AGF rollback function serves to undo edits made in good faith by a fellow soldier. The summary generated is: Reverted good faith edits by _____ to last revision by _____: explanation. using TW.

The regular rollback is for undoing edits made neither in good nor bad faith. The summary generated is: Reverted edits by _____ to last revision by _____: explanation. using TW. The reverted soldier's communicator is also opened up.

The vandal rollback is for--you guessed it--good ol'-fashioned shooting down vandals, hoo-ah! The summary generated is: Reverted edits identified as vandalism by _____ to last revision by _____: using TW. The enemy soldier's communicator is also brought up, from which the CVS can use the warn button located near the top to issue a warning complete with diff and locale.

[edit] Type 11

Offered in various nations, the Type 11, developed by Cryptoderk & Henna, is...uh...

(I'm starting to wonder why I wrote an essay on a topic I haven't fully covered yet. But if you're a VF user, feel free to describe its function, and I'll update it to stay within this locale's army tone.)

[edit] Issued to

All soldiers[citation needed], from widely-known distributor SourceForge.

[edit] Locale Creation Monitor (LCM)

(Incomplete as well....)

[edit] Body armor

While I wish there was a tool that could enforce a cool head, I regret to say that the only mental protection comes from the inside, and from those who support you, although I can only count three people who have ever been let known more than 10-20 soldiers support them[8]. Trust me, I learned the lesson the hard way--try not to get too emotional when dealing with bad situations[9].

[edit] Radars

[edit] RC-2702

The standard radar built into the MediaWiki interface. Mainly used in conjuction with the UD-09, RBK .45, or T60.

[edit] Issued to

All soldiers.

[edit] Detection Mechanism

Pulls up all revisions made within a certain period of time, or within a certain amount of revisions. Defaults to 50.

The soldier must then weed through each edit to check for vandalism. If found, the soldier can then draw his weapon from the diff page.

[edit] RC-2556

The radar built into the M220.

[edit] Issued to

All M220 owners.

[edit] Detection Mechanism

(You expect ME to know this?)

[edit] Gah!

That one word that been used by me more than "hell" and "damn" combined. According to the Fivetionary, it means "I made a mistake."

The only two conclusions I can draw from this is that either than I'm cussing too little, or that I make mistakes up the wazoo. Anyway...

[edit] Subcommunicator

What I do is I create a subcommunicator entitled User talk:21655/Mistakes (and redirect to it from User:21655/Mistakes just in case) and watch it. If I do something stupid like warn the wrong soldier and forget to undo it, a fellow soldier can point it out to me there.

[edit] Attitude

I find it necessary to take all mistakes made with a level of seriousness. After all, this is a 2-million-soldier army. Easy-to-follow steps

  1. If the soldier who pointed out your mistake but didn't rectify it, do so pronto.
  2. Thank the soldier for noticing. It could be as superfluous as a barnstar or as simple as a quick note.
  3. Apologize to the victim soldier, if applicable.

[edit] Final thoughts

So there you have it. Less than 20,000 bytes of pure genius, with the army-standard cussing and mandatory dose of 21655 humour thrown in. But before you leave in pursuit of your personal Wikipedia goals, a few thoughts:

  1. It's a tough world out there.
  2. Different areas are differently tough. Promotion to Lieutenant is agonizing (if you're the promotee), whereas the Birthday Comittee is a piece of cake[10].
  3. Vandals who take potshots at your home base and communicator are just as stupid as locale vandals, if not more so.
  4. Don't raise the WikiDefcon meter to 1 unless you've got a good reason:
    1. Vandalbot running amok.
    2. Page-mover running amok.
    3. 2-month-old cantaloupe running amok.

[edit] And on the lighter side...

  1. Don't stuff beans up your nose.
  2. The M220 doubles as a squirt gun. Good for summer parties!
  3. Disturbed, Shadows Fall, Firewind, and Kamelot music increases your vandal-shooting speed by 50%. Fergie, Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, and Soulja Boy decrease it by 75%.
  4. The hard drives in the databases are all made out of cheese. Cheeeeeeeeeese.
  5. Sergeant 21655 is awesome.

Best of luck, maggot! Hoo-ah! 21655 ωhατ δo γoυ ωαητ?

[edit] Notes

  1. ^
    1. ClueBot
    2. VoABot II
    3. Lt. DerHexer
    4. All others
    5. Sgt. 21655
  • ^ There is, however, a minor bias towards "fuck".
  • ^ That explains a lot.
  • ^ here = the article namespace
  • ^ That was redundant, yes. Have I mentioned that it's redundant?
  • ^ It seems weird, but bear with me here.
  • ^ I said, bear with me!
  • ^ RickK, Alison, and Phaedriel. Who the hell else?
  • ^ Then again, don't trust me. I have a feeling it'll happen again...
  • ^ Admit it. You laughed at that.