User talk:Zhuboma2/my new test page

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Hi Dave,

Very good article. Here are some comments for revision.

• par. 1 " one of four national professional business fraternities" -- what are the other three? You might as well mention them, perhaps in a parenthetical aside.

• par. 1 "this last orgnanizational feature that differentiates Phi Gamma Nu from other business fraternities" - when you say "business fraternities," I don't know if you mean the other three referred to in the first sentence, or if there is a larger superset of business fraternities. If the latter is true, can you say something about that somewhere in par. 1?

• "events/social events" - you mention "events" in par. 1 and also in the section on the three pillars (" Each organization event is directed towards a pillar"). Event is a very general term. What do you mean by an "event"? I think just a few examples should be mentioned in par. 1, as you did with "activities", so that a reader has an idea of what you are talking about. Or, are activities and events are the same thing?

• History. The history section is very good. I am wondering about your choice of the word "dynamics". Is that really precisely accurate?

• Three Pillars. Can thise be called the three pillars of something? Or three something pillars? I know you call them pillars, but that seems like shorthand for something longer. -- Also, start each subsection here with an introductory sentence (e.g., "The goals of the 'professional' pillar are two-fold. They are stated as follows.")

• Section headings. I think you could review your section headings and ask yourself if they are a precise description of the section's content. Also, I would not number them. If someone else adds a section later, they will have to renumber everything. The article is short enough that no reader would get lost without the numbering.

--Joegrohens 23:16, 14 November 2006 (UTC)