Wizard People, Dear Reader
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Wizard People, Dear Reader, released in 2004, is an unauthorized spoof soundtrack to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by Brad Neely, a comic book artist from Austin, Texas.
Wizard People, Dear Reader is a narrative reworking the lives of the characters of The Sorcerer's Stone and the world in which they live, in the form of an audio book. Mr. Neely's unique use of appropriated plot, characters and themes interlaced with his own brand of subversive humor has been called a "new art form" by Carrie McLaren, whose web site, Illegal-art.org, promoted it. It could be described as the infusion of dissident subtext into a pop-culture phenomenon, creating a suspension of art and reality, and is in line with such works as The Dark Side of Oz and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
[edit] Humor
Neely's writing includes humor on many levels. It ranges from simple childish mockery of the characters, to criticism of the acting and set design of the movie, to awkward metaphors in the prose of the "book", to over-dramatic philosophical speeches.
Harry himself is portrayed in a way perhaps best described as epic. He is repeatedly referred to as a god, and references are made to the "stockpiles of nuclear-level energy" that are his powers, and so on. This is an attitude shared by Harry himself; at one point, he calls himself a "beautiful animal" and a "destroyer of worlds". Hermione is repeatedly described as incredibly ugly, and other insults are used from time to time. Snape is referred to as a hideous woman. At one point, Neely simply remarks that "Ron loves Twizzlers."
Many characters often supposedly cast spells with humorous or ironic names. Dumbledore casts the "stand without effort" spell (in reference to his advanced age), while later on Harry casts what is called the "Winter be gone" spell (at a scene transition between winter and spring).
The narrator often breaks down into incoherent outbursts to signify the not-so-apparent rage of the characters, yelling words like "FFFFUCK!" followed closely by "Willikers!" (the cribbage match is a good example). He makes many references to people "dooky"-ing themselves in surprise.
Neely also manages to have wild 'fantasy' sequences that have nothing to do with what is actually going on in the film. One such scene is where Hagrid/Hagar is explaining Norbert's egg. Instead of regaling Hagrid's encounter with a strange man in a bar, Hagar tells of how Val-Mart (Neely's version of Lord Voldemort) impregnated him with the egg and then how, because of his pregnancy, he survived a shark attack. Another such scene is where the trio of young wizards encounter Fluffy for the second time and are about to jump down the trap door. Somehow Harmony manages to get killed and resurrected without any of those events occurring onscreen. Many characters are also described as taking out flasks and taking long draughts while no flasks make an appearance onscreen. Harry is mentioned as performing many "Wine out of nowhere" spells and being "drunk every day before noon". And perhaps the oddest of Neely's wild fantasy sequences is while Neville ("the boy known as Upfish") loses control of his broom, Harry is daydreaming about his parent's giant rotten wedding cake that he can only reach by climbing up Dumbledore's body ("using his old ribcage, mouth sockets and such for footholds").
There are also many references to other works throughout the film. Some examples are Harry's invisibility cloak which is called "a cloak with a cloaking device", referring to Star Trek. Professor Flitwick is referred to as "Professor Ugnaught" in reference to his similar appearance to the Ugnaughts of Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back. At one point he puts on the invisibility cloak and Neely exclaims "Invisibility ON!", referring to the catch phrase of The Invisible Woman\Sue Richards of the Fantastic 4. Neely even refers to future films in the series when he claims that the children are on their way to The Chamber of Secrets.
A major running joke is the changing of character and place names:
| Original | "Wizard People" Name |
|---|---|
| Albus Dumbledore | Dumbledore the Half-dead / Near-Dead Dumbledore |
| Minerva McGonagall | Hardcastle McCormick / Softcastle McCormick |
| Rubeus Hagrid | Hagar the Horrible |
| Harry Potter | H.P., Master P, and others |
| Dudley Dursley | (Ragtime) Roast-Beefy O'Weefy |
| Vernon Dursley | various names with a pig theme (e.g. Porkstar, Baconface, etc.) |
| Professor Quirrell | Professor Queerman |
| Mr Ollivander | Ed Vanders |
| Voldemort | Val-Mart the Scar Maker / Scar Artist / Dracula |
| Ron Weasley | Ronnie the Bear / Ronnie the Weasel |
| Hermione Granger | The Wretched Harmony |
| Neville Longbottom | Upfish |
| Draco Malfoy | Mouthoil / Malfoil |
| Argus Filch | Dazzler (assistant to Bloody-eyed Cat) |
| Mrs. Norris | The Bloody-eyed Cat of Security |
| Severus Snape | Snake |
| Madam Hooch | Catface Meowmers |
| Oliver Wood | Major Wood |
| Professor Flitwick | Professor Ugnaught (The Happy Pizza) |
| Nicolas Flamel | Nick Flannel |
| Remembrall | blood ball |
| Quidditch | Cribbage |
| Diagon Alley | Calgon Alley |
| Gringott's Bank | Wobblecolumns |
| Hufflepuff | Hufferpuffer |
| Ravenclaw | Viacom |
[edit] The CDs
This soundtrack is composed of two audio CDs, which were made available for free download in MP3 format. To experience Mr. Neely's work one needs to play a copy of the movie, preferably the North American DVD, muted or at low volume, while playing the audio CDs at the same time.
Two versions of the CD set have been released, the first in summer 2004 and the second in early-mid 2005. As of February 2007, only the second version is available on the Illegal Art website. The two revisions are very similar: differences include "fixing" the weaker lines from the first revision, and a more "polished" and thoroughly-rehearsed performance by Brad.
The first revision's CDs can be played completely continuously, and there is no need to alter the discs' timing or volume. In order to play the second revision continuously, a delay of approximately three seconds must be inserted between the CDs, and the tracks' volume must be normalized, as the first disc is significantly quieter than the second.
The CDs are designed to synchronize with the American release of the film, played at 24 frames per second. For technical reasons, PAL video transfers of the film (used in most of the rest of the world) run at 25 frames per second, so the MP3 files must be sped up by 4.2% (or the movie slowed down) in order to retain synchronization. The Canadian and PAL releases of the film, too, use alternate takes to refer to the titular stone as the Philosopher's Stone (its original name) rather than the Americanized "Sorcerer's Stone", and as such, the audio may get slightly out of sync as the film progresses on the Canadian and PAL DVDs.
A DVD featuring the Wizard People soundtrack combined with the background music and sound effects of the original movie was made by an anonymous Denton, Texas resident. The disc includes a menu with background music by Harry and the Potters after a sarcastic piracy warning.
