Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Prince Sadruddin Aga Khan

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[edit] Prince Sadruddin Aga Khan

This article has been significantly rewritten, and I would like it to be assessed and rated. I would also like to receive constructive comments on how it could be improved. Thanks - Cimm[talk] 20:14, 13 December 2006 (UTC)

Can you find an image? Kaisershatner 14:49, 15 December 2006 (UTC)
There are images available, for example this AFP file photo from 1988. But I don't know whether it would qualify for uploading to wikipedia. Cimm[talk] 15:56, 15 December 2006 (UTC)
Done. Cimm[talk] 01:08, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
  • Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR t 23:19, 15 December 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Yannismarou

The article needs expansion and work. Most of the sections are still stubby. I rated it as B-Class, because despite its problems, the article is informative. These are the major problems IMO:

  • Already mentioned: there is no picture. I think you could find a fair-used one and add it the the infobox.
Done. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • There are no inline citations. I think you should take a look at WP:CITE.
I have added some where appropriate. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • Don't wikilink more than once the some links, before then your text gets over-wikified.
I agree, thanks for pointing this out. Working on it. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • I think you could add some more infos in "Childhood and Education". Especially the first par just repeats part of the lead.
I have expanded this section. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • The two first sub-sections (I fixed the sub-headings) of "Career" are stubby. Merge or expand.
Done. Merged the first section into a Career summary and expended the sub-sections. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • We wikilink full dates: May 2, 1986, not 1986 or May 1986.
Fixed. Cimm[talk] 23:58, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • There are obvious prose problems. Let's take this sentence: "In 1958, Prince Sadruddin joined UNESCO, becoming in 1961, Executive Secretary to its International Action Committee for the Preservation of Nubia, which brought together archaeologists from Eastern Europe and the West at the height of the Cold War to save the ancient treasures of Abu Simbel, the temples of Philae and Kalabsha and the Christian churches of Nubia." Don't you think that it is long and not well-written?
I agree. I have corrected this and other run-on sentences as well. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • I have also another question. He was born in france, but what are his roots? From which country does his family come from?
Good question. It has now been answered in the expanded childhood and family sections. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • I don't think that it is necessary to call him "Prince Saddrudin". We know from the lead he is a prince. "Saddrudin" alone would be fine.
I disagree with you on this one. Many of the source texts refer to him throughout as Prince Sadruddin. It appears that he was commonly referred to as "Prince" throughout his life, and I think it is appropriate that this article reflect that. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Born to Sir Sultan Mahomed Shah Aga Khan and the Princess AndrĂ©e Aga Khan". I think I read the same info 3 times. Be careful with these repetitions.
I agree that repetition of information should be avoided, but the information parentage is relevant to the context of the lead, childhood and family sections in which it appears. I have tried to word it differently to avoid the feeling of repetition. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Family and Marriages" apart from repetitive is also badly written. Stubby paragraphs, too short sentences and a problematic prose flow.
I have moved more information into this section. The marriage paragraphs could probably use some expansion (if I can find more information). Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Awards and Decorations" is also stubby. Offer some more information or get rid of this section.
I'd like to keep this information because these awards represent significant recognition of his life's accomplishments, but I'm not sure where to relocate it. I'm leaving it alone for now and will revisit later. Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
I boosted this section with additional refs. Cimm[talk] 01:08, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

--Yannismarou 18:59, 18 December 2006 (UTC)

Thank you for taking the time to review the article and providing such thoughtful and comprehensive comments Yannismarou. I will consider them carefully and revise the article accordingly. Cimm[talk] 19:19, 18 December 2006 (UTC)
I have updated the article based on your suggestions, and responded to each of your comments above. If you get a moment, I'd appreciate your thoughts on the updates. Thanks Yannis - Cimm[talk] 18:08, 1 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Additional comments by Yannismarou

  • I did some tweaks in the lead: put years of birth and death in parenthesis which is the trend, put some commas (I hope I'm correct!) and merged the last two paragraphs. If you don't like the changes, feel free to revert.
Thank you - looks good. Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "His UN diplomatic career continued through the 1970's and 80's and he was twice a candidate for Secretary-General of the United Nations." And "he has been" you mean?
This sentence reads well to me... not sure what you mean. Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
Oups! My mistake!--Yannismarou 09:01, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "By the 1970's the European refugee problems were mostly solved, but had been replaced by millions of displaced persons in the Third World. The scale and complexity of refugee issues has continued to increase, and the UNHCR together with the international community at large has had to adapt." How did he help UNHCR to adapt? It is not that clear from the text.
Reorganized the text to improve clarity. Cimm[talk] 00:24, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Despite this, Prince Sadruddin was able to successfully negotiate with Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz for the establishment of a UN relief program for tens of thousands of Shia Muslims trapped in worsening conditions in the marshlands of southern Iraq." I think you should cite here.
Done. Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
  • Try to have the inline citations at the end of the sentence. Cite in the middle only if it is absolutely necessary for emphasis.
Noted. Cimm[talk] 16:37, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
Done. Cimm[talk] 00:03, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Although he won the 1981 vote, the Soviet Union considered him too Western and vetoed his election." I would cite that.
Done. Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
  • "Bellerive was also amongst the first organisations to warn of the potential human health hazards of modern intensive farming methods." Source?
Added source citation. Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
  • In "Family and marriages" the prose looks to me a bit "choppy". Some too short sentences. Looking to me a bit seamlessly connected. I would propose a careful copy-editing there.

The article has been improved. It looks comprehensive. The prose is not perfect, but, in general, looks to me fine. Maybe some more photos would also help (only if you find, of course, relevant and not copyvio photos serving the article - after all photos are not a prerequisite for GAC neither for FAC). These are the things I further managed to locate. Maybe two fresh eyes reviewing the article would be even more useful!--Yannismarou 15:53, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

Yannis - thanks for reviewing this article once again. Your comments provide a valuable contribution to the quality and accuracy of the article! Cimm[talk] 23:43, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
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