User:Toasts

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Toast... mmm...

Toast is the result of placing bread in a toaster and pushing the lever down, after picking settings and deciding how toasty you would like the toast to be. No one knows where the bread goes.

[edit] Toast

[edit] The Invention of Toast

Toast is widely believed to have been invented in 1272.73 (repeating of course) by Edward Toast, a close friend of Sir Francis Bacon , who invented bacon . In 1244, Toast attempted to warm up his bread. The resulting explosion destroyed his home, the bread, and most of the neighborhood. Toast repeated the experiment in 1272.74 (repeating), after recieving inspiration from the cremation of his dead parents over the "Body Toastinator". He us a controlled flame that heated a metal grid (he used a flamethrower the first time) and did the experiment outside. He succeeded in warming up his bread, but it also came with an unexpected other effect. The flame burnt the bread slightly, browning it and making it crunchy. Mmmm.. crunchy. Two days later, Toast went to the patent office to patent his new invention, but was told that he could not patent food. He left and returned three days later with a contraption which he called a "toaster". The first toaster was simply a metal grid which was heated and which you placed bread upon to cook. The patent office accepted his claim this time and by 1300 Toast had become a millionaire selling his toasters. However, in 1322, a man who was using his toaster accidentally "toasted" his hand, and ended up suing Toast. Toast lost 999,999$ and 99 cents. He ended up dying in 1336 poor and depressed.

_|_|_|_|_|_  *A flame underneath the toaster would heat up the metal, and once the metal was sufficiently hot, the bread 
_|_|_|_|_|_  would be dropped onto the grid to toast.
_|_|_|_|_|_  *The toaster was on a stand so that a candle could be conveniently placed under it
_|_|_|_|_|_  *The grid could also be used for people who had lost chess pieces and wanted to play still, as the toaster grid
_|_|_|_|_|_  only had thirty-six squares instead of the usual sixty-four. However, a larger toaster could be bought that
 | | | | |   had more squares, for those who had all of their chess pieces.

[edit] Toast Today

Toast has become the focus of several movies such as Harry Potter (dont ask). Today, our toasters are more safely designed, and a lot cooler looking. They can be found at most stores, like Wal-Mart, Target, and King Soopers for a reasonable price. Currently, toast is enjoyed with butter and other butter substitutes, such as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!". Most houses have toasters, and those that do not probably resort to using such replacements as lighters, flamethrowers, and matches.

Toast is a very popular breakfast food and is eaten across the country in the morning daily. Many people also enjoy toast with lunch, dinner, and other foods such as soup and pasta.

[edit] The Science of Toast

Behind toast is an intricate science, known as toastology. Those scientists who wish to specialize in toast are called toastologists. The reason that toast burns is a theory called toasticity. The higher the toasticity of the bread, the more burnt and toasty it is capable of becoming. However, overburnt toast may be carcinogenic. A main laboratory where toasticity is studied is the Toasticity Private Laboratories in Reno, Nevada. The leader of the laboratory is world-renowned toastologist Dr. Herbert Toasticus. You can visit his website at www.HToasticus.net, and the website of the Toasticity Private Laboratories is www.ToasticityPrivLabs.org.

|    /  *A graph of the ratio of toasticity to how much the bread will burn and become toasty.
|   /   *On the x-axis is the toasticity of the bread.
|  /    *On the y-axis is the amount of burnage and toastiness.
| /    
|/_____

[edit] Variations of Toast

Some variations of toast are different types of bread such as pumpernickel, bagels, croissants, Eggos, and other types of bread. These types of toast are enjoyed with many of the same spreads as regular toast, but some, such as the bagel, are enjoyed with other spreads, like cream cheese.

[edit] The Bread

The choice of bread is essential for the type of toast that you will be enjoying. Below is a list of different types of bread and the spreads that they can be enjoyed with.

Cinnamon/Raisin Bread: Usually enjoyed by itself, these breads are also good with a little bit of butter.
Wheat: Also good with butter, wheat bread is good with peanut butter and/or jelly.
Sourdough: Good with all sorts of jam.
White: This bread is the most common bread and is enjoyed with all types of spreads.

[edit] The Crust

The crust of the toast is a highly debated issue, with those who like it on one side, those who do not on another side, and a third, apathetic group which is situated in an awkward position on the bottom. The crust is the crunchy brown bit on the outside of the toast, and when toasted, usually becomes even harder and browner.

/````````````\
|            | *This is a diagram of a piece of toast. The lines on the outside (and the little slashes on top) represent the crust.
\            / *The inside white bit represents the yummy toasted bread bit.
 |          |
 |          |
 |__________|

                   ___ 
100%  |___        |   |        *A graph of the percentages of people who don't like the crust.
80%   |   |       |   |      
60%   |   |  ___  |   |
40%   |   | |   | |   |
20%   |___|_|___|_|___|__
0%    kids|adults|elders

[edit] Toast in the Future

While most people believe that toast and toasters will remain the same for years to come, scientists speculate that toasters will have evolved by the year 2122.673 (repeating). The current model of toasters is sleek and metallic, and many advancements have been made to the field of toastology, such as a toaster that can toast four pieces of bread at once, and buttons on the toasters. Scientists believe that by the year 2122, toasters will be able to remember how each member of a family likes their toast, and will be able to make the toast to near perfection in a matter of ten seconds. Currently, in labs across America, scientists are developing the next generation of toasters. These toasters are expected to be able to toast a piece of bread in under ten seconds, which most people still believe is too slow. Scientists have also developed special accessories for toasters that allow the toaster to toast a picture or words onto the bread. However, this technology is experimental and scientists have just recently begun to introduce the new accessories. Also, scientists theorize of a high-tech knife that would toast the bread as it cuts through it, eliminating the need for the hassle of putting the bread into the toaster and then pushing down that lever thing. This would also reduce the shock of the toast popping up out of the toaster, although to add familiarity, toastronomers are developing a knife that leaps up of its own accord at random intervals and violently slashes the owner's face, in a pattern resembling that kid from Nighttime Blizzard Warrior 3.

[edit] Advances in Toasters

There have been a number of projects adding advanced technology to toasters.

In 1990 Simon Hackett and John Romkey created The Internet Toaster, a toaster which could be controlled from the Internet.

In 2001 Robin Southgate from Brunel University in England created a toaster that could toast a graphic of the weather prediction (limited to sunny or cloudy) onto a piece of toast. The toaster dials a pre-coded phone number to get the weather forecast.

In 2005, Technologic Systems, a vendor of embedded systems hardware, designed a toaster running the NetBSD Unix-like operating system as a sales demonstration system.

[edit] Toast in Religion

In the present toast has been readily placed into mainstream religions through the influence of Vin Diesel. He has used certain highly encouraging programs that he runs to convert the populace. In Christianity toast has made its stamp in certain Bible passages. "Then said the Toast unto me, Thou hast seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it. And the word of the Toast came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot: and the face thereof is toward the north" Jeremiah 2:12,13.

Also, a recent discovery has released the knowledge of the "Ten Commandments of Toast" to the public (see below).

[edit] Commandments of Toast

Recently, scientists released an ancient set of papers dating from Edward Toast's time that listed the so-called "commandments of toast." The laws are thought to have been written to keep toast-eaters in check and make sure that they did not revolt against the convenience stores. The idea was that if the peasants were not able to control something as simple as their breakfast foods, then they would not be able to comprehend something like a full-scale revolt. Scientists have carbon dated the papers to the year 1300.6 (plus or minus 12 years O_o.) They are signed "blizzerblootzit" although no one knows who this mysterious person might be.

[edit] List of the Commandments of Toast

Thou shalt not eat anything but toast for breakfast.
Thou shalt not make for yourself an idol of anything but toast.
Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of the Toast your breakfast.
Remember the toast, and keep it holy.
Honor your toast and your toaster.
Thou shalt not murder for toast.
Thou shalt not steal toast.
Thou shalt not steal a toaster.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor in order to obtain his toast.
Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's toast or toaster.

The first Law of Toast was upheld until 1492, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

[edit] Toast Connections

Recently, many conspiracy theories have risen that link toast to the letter Q, World War II, Mao Zedong, and Qwest.

[edit] Toast and Q

The conspiracy that linked toast to the letter Q was started by renowned conspiracy theorist Tom McTonald, AKA TQM. This theory proposes that the letter Q is inexplicably linked with the creation and science of toast. TQM is still working out the details of this theory, but he has released that it involves Q, toast, Jack Bauer, and the number 4.

To learn more about this theory, go to TQM's website, http://www.TQMtoast.org.

[edit] Toast and the Second World War

Another conspiracy theory that has recently started that involves toast somehow links it to the start of World War II. This theory states that the start of WWII was linked to Germany's lack of toast, which caused it to invade Poland. Hitler reasoned that Poland, being the home of the Polish sausage and Mateusz, must have a large supply of toast.

[edit] Toast and Mao Zedong

A theory has long existed that points towards toast as the reason for the rise to power of Mao Zedong. It is believed that Zedong was able to get so much support because he gave his recruits toast as rations and when they moved through poor villages, gave the villagers toast. This theory explains how Zedong was able to get a huge amount of the Chinese to support him so quickly.

[edit] Toast and Qwest

This theory has not yet been worked out.

[edit] The Wars of the Toast

[edit] The First War of the Toast

The First Toast War began about 23.5 years after Edward Toast died. It began when a relative of Toast, namely his aunt's son's wife's son named Stan Wich claimed responsibility for the invention of the first toaster. He claimed that Mr. Toast had come to him after being denied the first time at the patent office. Mr. Wich claimed that he had cut a square out of the fence in his backyard and given it to Mr. Toast to use. However the authorities discovered that the fence in Mr. Wich's backyard was a WOODEN fence and thus his claims were ignored. Angry, Mr. Wich hired an army of extroardinarily stressed out bouncers who proceeded to raid the local stores, destroying all the toasters they found. Eventually the angry toastless civilians formed the League of Toasty Defence and armed themselves with flamethrowers, a tribute to Toast's first attempt at making toast. The bouncers and League of Toasty Defence fought many battles and soon both sides were extremely crippled and unable to fight. The First Toast War ended with no conclusion or winner.

[edit] The Second War of the Toast

A few years after the First Toast War, the descendants of the League of Toasty Defence and bouncer army (which came to be known as the Anti-Toast Federation, or ATF) got bored of living peacefully and decided to take up arms once again. However this time the bouncers were armed with better weapons than the simple blackjacks that they had carried in the First Toast War. This time they brought with them a new, more powerful weapon which was known as the MGS54. This stood for Machete Gun System 54, a powerful new weapon developed by Freakin' Stupid Weapons Co., a division of Retarded Developments Inc.. The ATF won several battles against the League of Toasty Defence and the League was soon forced to retreat to its headquarters in Mookilala. The ATF soon followed but was confronted with the League's newest weapon, the AG1. This stood for Axe Grenade version 1, which was somewhat volatile and could accidentally explode if bothered by the slightest breeze or bad smell. However the League managed to use it effectively (despite several accidental fatalities) and drove the ATF off. The ATF eventually surrendered and the League signed a treaty with it that declared that no MGS54s were to be made for the next 2.5 years.

[edit] The Third War of the Toast

In ancient Nigerian mythology, there was a god named Qterplix. Qterplix was the god of fake fortune tellers. His prophecy that Miss Cleo would return to predict the return of Nostradamus was incorrect. Nostradamus, however, returned from his camping trip to say that there would be a Great Third Toast War. This was also incorrect. The Third Toast War was not great. It actually simply consisted of a ATF member accidentally tripping a member of the League, and he was immediately punched out and then stabbed in the jaw. The Third Toast War only lasted about 15 seconds. The 19th century Britsh writer, John Stuart Mill, published an article on the war in the London Review. This article was unfortunately out of date by 500 years; leading to the destruction of the newspaper. Showing that the Third War of the Toast is dangerous (kills newspapers) even after time has passed.

[edit] External Links

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