The Saga of Bjorn
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The saga of Bjorn is an attempt to write the world's longest poem in rhyming couplets. It was begun on 5 October 2006 by the members of the Trumalia Forum. Its forecast date for completion is 25 February 2012 at the current rate of contributions.
The authors are trying to keep to the traditional style of Icelandic sagas and Norse sagas while interpolating aspects of modern popular culture, references to movies and occasional lapses into smut and bowdlerisation. It has contributors from the United States (especially Texas), Australia and New Zealand.
It should not be confused with The Saga of Bjorn ISBN 1874312255
Contents |
[edit] The Story So Far
The following is a brief synopsis of the story so far….
The story begins in 816 AD with young Bjorn, a Viking and the son of a tailor. One day pirates attack his town, which is foolish because Vikings are a fierce folk. Bjorn and the other Vikings wipe them out in one verse. Bjorn is in love with Elise, who is the daughter of the Vikings’ chieftain. She loves him too, but they cannot marry until Bjorn has undertaken a journey to make his fortune. Bjorn has decided that the spices are the quickest route to wealth, so he sets out in a boat to the fabled Spice Islands. The boat is promptly shipwrecked off the coast of Ireland. Bjorn survives and is washed ashore where he meets a mysterious beautiful woman, and an old crone who is her mother. They claim their island is being terrorized by an evil wizard, Khan, who steals women and attacks villages. They make Bjorn a potion which gives him the strength of ten, plus one or two other powers. They also give him a horse. As Bjorn is riding towards Khan’s base, the horse begins speaking to him. The fact that Bjorn can understand him is at this point attributed to the potion. The horse explains that Khan’s army are almost immortal, and grow limbs back in record time. Bjorn clearly needs to have time to come up with a cunning plan. While they are riding they come across a group of jazz musicians who are being held prisoner by three monsters. Bjorn promptly kills the monsters and explains his mission to the musicians. They had been spirited from modern New Orleans by the old crone mentioned previously. Meanwhile Bjorn begins sharpening stakes and hiding them in the forest as a trap for Khan and his men. The jazz musicians can also understand the horse because he can be understood by all whose heart is pure, apparently. Bjorn and the musicians decide they should get into Khan’s camp and play music for him while he feasts. Khan takes a liking to Bjorn and invites him to dine with him. During their conversation he very strongly hints that his powers are derived from his having fourteen wives. Bjorn plans to seduce the wives and thus reduce Khan’s power. At some point the ploy comes unstuck and Bjorn and the musicians are chased into the forest by Khan and his army of ghouls. Bjorn and the musicians are protected somewhat by the stakes that have been planted earlier. Somehow, Bjorn manages to find his way back to Khan’s camp and seduces all but two of the fourteen wives, with the aid of a magical flower supplied by the horse. This reduces Khan’s power to the point where he can be killed, which Bjorn promptly does. Horribly. Bjorn and the musicians return to where he first met the beautiful mysterious woman and the old crone, whom the musicians instantly recognise as the witch who spirited then away from new Orleans. They are suitably annoyed about this, as is the horse, who has never liked her much and a fight breaks out. The beautiful mysterious woman however has taken a fancy to Bjorn, and she makes them both disappear to a place in the forest with a bed where she promptly seduces him. At this point Elise inconveniently turns up and demands to know what is going on. She had been missing Bjorn and had set out in another boat to find him so they can get married. A fight breaks out. Bjorn and Elise are magically frozen to the spot and the beautiful mysterious woman explains that her mother was seduced and abandoned by a god, and cursed forever with ill luck, including a thyroid deficiency which has resulted in a nasty goiter. The mysterious beautiful woman believes that the god and her mother and she will be reconciled by bearing a child who is the grandson of the god. Bjorn having generously donated his services in this regard and Elise are then freed and whisked back to the horse and the jazz musicians, who think they have killed the crone. Elise tries to persuade Bjorn to return, but he runs away, taking the horse with him. Elise then decides to offer the jazz musicians space in her boat, and sails with them back to her village. She is a little annoyed with Bjorn. Bjorn and the horse travel to a strange village where everyone is sleeping. Bjorn himself is overcome and falls asleep too. A kind old man explains to the horse that the flowers everywhere in the village give people prophetic dreams, however the dream Bjorn has is chaotic and confusing. The kind old man explains that sometimes the gods don’t want some people to know what’s in store for them so they deliberately obfuscate their dreams. Bjorn and the horse are unsure what to do next, so the kind old man gives them a map. The map is magic, a bit like the one in Harry Potter, except it talks as well. The map points them in the direction of some sinister crags, which may or not be a trap. On the way Bjorn feels the call of nature, and is attacked by a wyvern who does not take kindly to that sort of thing, being a mystical guardian of the environment. Bjorn and the Wyvern become friends. They are taunted by monkeys who are cursed Vikings themselves who have been transformed into all manner of apes. The old crone appears and it turns out she's not evil at all, and tried to help Bjorn by sending him those jazz musicians, but that obviously didn't work, probably because she is cursed with ill luck. She's there to help Bjorn undo the Curse of the Viking Monkeys.
The Viking Monkeys live in the forests where according to their chief, they were reduced to this simian state by an army of wraiths who cursed them when they wouldn't join the wraith's frightening troupe. The horse doubts their story, however, when a sail is espied by one of the monkeys yet they are three days' ride from the sea. Bjorn resolves to aid his countrymen anyway. He then gets curious about the horse's name. He gets all embarrassed and tries to change the subject, but when pressed reveals his name is Dingo. Bjorn resolves to keep that a secret between them, and offers the horse any name he chooses. He chooses the name Ozymandias - Ozzie for short.
Bjorn, Ozzie and the monkeys venture into the crags, where the wyvern tells them of a sinister boar which they must kill, in order that its blood can lift the simian curse. It turns out that the boar was married to one of the wives Bjorn seduced, and is intent on doing the same to Bjorn, albeit more forcefully. The boar is then defeated when its flatulence proves to be its undoing. It's then discovered that the boar is in fact a man in a boar suit, condemned to that existence by the evil Khan. His name is Skyler.
The old crone uses the head from the boar costume to cure the simian Vikings and Bjorn dispatches the furious wyvern. He then remembers that he only seduced twelve of the fourteen wives and that there's a chance he didn't seduce Skyler's. They return to the place where Khan's widows are, and find that Bjorn didn't seduce Skyler's wife after all. Vern the wyvern is still around, having apparently changed gender in the recent crisis. The widows are now being seduced by all manner of suitors, and the ex-ape Vikings must learn to dance if they stand any chance with them. Skyler meets up with his wife and mistress and runs away. The Vikings all find brides.
Bjorn, having saved the day, is now bored and wishes to resume his adventures. Ozzie agrees to come along and in a matter of days they have left ireland and crossed France (or at least the Frankish Kingdoms) and reached Marseilles. Bjorn and his horse Ozzie idle in Marseilles for a while, performing sword tricks and such in the local market. Soon they have enough money to buy and provision a small boat, and purchase a goat so that they have fresh milk on the journey.
Bjorn purchases a boat in which Ozzie and he can sail, along with a goat that he intends to use for milking in order to provide sustenance on his journey. After a few tempests Bjorn discovers that the magical map given to him by the old man can talk. It gives him directions to Venice, but his boat has begun to leak. A mighty storm blows up while he’s in the Gulf of Lyon and he is rescued by the privateer Adrian Liszt, which is captained by Berylliumfist, who is also from Northwest Europe and the fourth oldest member of a family of 92 brothers named after the elements of the periodic table. Ozzie does some calculations and realises that Berylliumfist must be 84 years old, though he looks to be in his late 20’s and resembles the famed singer and TV producer Roger Bagdasarian. This is due to the Cesspit of Youth, located near the mouth of the River Po but guarded by fierce and incontinent birds. After a day’s sailing they arrive at the coast of Tuscany, where there are many beautiful women in large, leaning towers. After a brief dalliance they decide that the evil birds need a distraction, and resolve to use the goat as a Judas goat to distract the birds while they bathe in the Cesspit of Youth. The goat, however, is a friend of Ozzie’s and so they decline, using Bjorn’s map to guide them past the birds. The goat expresses his gratitude verbally and they are surprised to discover he can talk. As the Adrian Liszt sails on through the Tyrrhenian Sea it transpires that the goat’s name is Vyvyenne. They are then attacked by the crapulent birds but Bjorn defeats them with very few casualties – at least no-one worth mentioning. The Adrian Liszt sails on through the Straits of Messina and North to the mouth of the Po. Ozzie convinces them to head to Egypt and against all good sense, they do. The coast of Egypt is seen on the 21st day of Bjorn’s journey.
Here Ozzie meets a fine zebra, Brunnhilde, who is due to be given as a gift to the daughter of the local Caliph, Ma'almun T'Albbrizi. She must be given as a virgin filly but Ozzie soon puts the kibosh on that, and is sentenced to death. Bjorn is entertained by a local who tells him the story of Imhotep, the great architect and designer of their local and accidentally phallic lighthouse. While it’s clear that Imhotep has discovered some magical youth potion as well, this is ignored in favour of uniting Ozzie and Brunnhilde. Under a veiled threat of mass slaughter at the point of Bjorn’s sword, the Caliph relents and Ozzie is allowed to stay with Brunnhilde. Bjorn and Ozzie say goodbye.
But only temporarily. After a rousing speech by Vyvyenne, Bjorn and the captain and crew of the Adrian Liszt are dragged out of a lethargy inspired by the Caliph’s gift of drugged victuals and put the town (Alexandria) to the sword, and sail off with Ozzie and Brunnhilde. Brunnhilde is introduced to the crew and she and Berylliumfist both to Bjorn’s talking map. The map expostulates that its instructions have been misinterpreted. It was instructing Bjorn to go west, but he had the map upside-down. It transpires that the map’s name is Greeley and with this information they turn west towards the Pillars of Hercules. However, since leaving Egypt Ozzie and Vyvyenne have been constantly carping at each other and getting Berylliumfist exasperated. Greeley suggests the Talking Cure, which can be found on the (talking) island of Ibiza.
At Ibiza Bjorn is given a test by the hermit, Geiser, who agrees to accompany them in order to give intensive psychiatric therapy to Ozzie and Vyvyenne. This cure takes the form of throwing a chicken in with the ungulates to see what happens. Vyvyenne is so stunned by the stupidity of this ‘cure’ that he makes up with Ozzie anyway. The chicken therefore lives and the ship’s cook, Harlan Sanders has to find something else for tea. Sanders has an almost perfect recipe for chicken, but needs two more spices to make it complete. He doesn’t know what the spices are but his mission is similar to Bjorn’s, if not his methods. Bjorn and Geiser split the wishbone and Bjorn’s wish for more chicken comes true. The bird is magically reconstituted and now provides an unending supply of fresh chicken as each time it’s killed, it reappears whole.
Vyvyenne has illustrated the saga so far using GANTT charts and is showing these to Geiser, who is nonplussed to put it mildly. Harlan Sanders knows a tale which tells the whereabouts of magical spices, but Berylliumfist is disinclined to take the Adrian Liszt over land. Under the land, though, is a different story so they set sail for Mt Etna, there to go via the Centre of the Earth. After a brief encounter with a large and famous sperm whale, which results in the loss of Sulphurfist and the sudden conversion of Geiser, a storm blows up. The Adrian Liszt is swept up in a maelstrom and is rescued at the last minute by a submarine vessel, the Steaming Atari. Meanwhile Geiser has become increasingly evangelical. They catch up with the whale again and a sea battle ensues. Then they espy the fiery slopes of Mt Etna.
Unfortunately, Ingwar of Palermo espies them.
[edit] Characters
- (Garman) Greeley
- Beryl
- Bjorn
- Brunnhilde
- Elise
- Geiser
- Harlan Sanders
- Ingwar of Palermo
- Ozymandias
- Vyvyenne
[edit] The Family -Fist
The Family -Fist are 92 brothers named after elements on the periodic table. Below are notes on those brothers that have appeared so far in the Saga. Some of the family have gathered together in groups and these are listed separately. Some of the brothers have also had children, named after certain isotopes of their element, and these are listed below their names with any comments.
- Aluminiumfist
- Antimonyfist
- Argonfist
- Arsenicfist
- Aurumfist
- Referred to
- Bariumfist
- Berylliumfist
- Captain of the Adrian Liszt
- Bismuthfist
- Referred to
- Boronfist
- Cadmiumfist
- Referred to
- Caesiumfist
- Calciumfist
- Carbonfist
-
- Carbonfist 14
- Referenced as being good fun to date
- Carbonfist 14
-
- Chromiumfist
- Cobaltfist
- Referred to as Cobaltfist blue
- Copperfist
- On board the Adrian Liszt
- Ferrumfist
- First mate of the Adrian Liszt
- Franciumfist
- Hafniumfist
- On board the Adrian Liszt and a great tracker
- Heliumfist
- Hydrogenfist
-
- Hydrogenfist 3
- On board Adrian Liszt
- Hydrogenfist 3
-
- Indiumfist
- Iridiumfist
- Kryptonfist
- Leadfist
- Lithiumfist
- On board Adrian Liszt
- Lutetiumfist
- Magnesiumfist
- Manganesefist
- Drowned in the Atlantic
- Mercuryfist
- Molybdenumfist
- Neonfist
- Neptuniumfist
- Nickelfist
- Niobiumfist
- Nitrogenfist
- Osmiumfist
- Oxygenfist
- Palladiumfist
- Phosphorusfist
- Platinumfist
- Poloniumfist
- Potassiumfist
- Radiumfist
- Radonfist
- Rheniumfist
- Rhodiumfist
- Rubidiumfist
- Rutheniumfist
- Scandiumfist
- On Madeira
- Seleniumfist
- On board the Iron Surprise
- Siliconfist
- Killed by Ingwar of Palermo Day 23
- Silverfist
- Sodiumfist
- Stannumfist
- Referred to, whereabouts unknown
- Strontiumfist
- Sulphurfist
- Swallowed by a clam, Day 23. Married to Sulphur Dioxide
- Tantalumfist
- Technetiumfist
- Telluriumfist
- Thalliumfist
- Titaniumfist
- Tungstenfist
- Vanadiumfist
- Xenonfist
- Yttriumfist
- On board the Adrian Liszt
- Zincfist
- Drowned in the Atlantic
- Zirconiumfist
[edit] The Actinide Gang
A criminal gang of vicious temperament and one occasional member.
- Actiniumfist
- Protactiniumfist
- Referred to
- Thoriumfist
- Uraniumfist
- Referred to as having 238 children, and occasional member of the Actinide Gang if he can keep off the tail long enough. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
[edit] The Halogen Brothers
A barbershop quintet
- Astatinefist
- Brominefist
- Chlorinefist
- Fluorinefist
- Iodinefist
-
- Iodinefist 5
- On board the Adrian Liszt
- Iodinefist 5
-
[edit] The Lanthanide Order
A monastic order
- Ceriumfist
- Dysprosiumfist
- Erbiumfist
- Europiumfist
- Gadoliniumfist
- Holmiumfist
- Lanthanumfist
- Neodymiumfist
- Praseodymiumfist
- Promethiumfist
- Samariumfist
- Terbiumfist
- Thuliumfist
- Ytterbiumfist
- Referred to
[edit] The Transistor Twins
- Galliumfist
- Germaniumfist
